Sex: Enough is enough, Or Not enough!!

[mr_mrskam]

Hello everyone,

We have been lurking around reading and only have made a few comments.
I have a question to put out there.

As a couple , how much sex is considered to much, and what is really not enough!

After raising two kids, that were both needed special attention, we kinda putting our love life on the back burner. It got to the point where we were only having sex once a week, then once every other week!

I could go on, and on, and on, but I will just stick to the question! How much sex is too much, and what would you , as a couple consider not enough?

[Amanda69]

Doesn't this depend on what you as a couple are happy with? I don't think there is such a thing as too much but then again if my partner were injured, I certainly wouldn't consider a lack of sex an issue....

[mr_mrskam]

Amanda, I guess at this point, I the male is not very happy with where we are in the romance department. I have accepet and shared in raising the kids. The Mrs on the other hand, feels that there is more that can be done, but is not real sure on how or what to do!.

We both are healthy and no injuries!

[Amanda69]

Then if you aren't happy it is time for you, as a couple to sit down and work out what is happening.

Young children in a home will often sap a lot of energy leaving little left over for anything else. Couples often enjoy being spontaneous but this sometimes doesn't work with little ones around. You could try planning date nights, making sure to arrange alternate care for the children etc...make it a priority for you as a couple to have this initimate time together. You may then find those old fires burning a little brighter and your frequency increasing.

[JustAskJulie]

I can't imagine being a couple with kids. Just the average grind of daily life is too often enough to get in the way of sex. I only see my guy on the weekends and I can tell you that if we don't get it on over teh weekend it makes for a really tense week. Not enough? Would be less than once a week (ok a couple of times over the course of the weekend) for us (right now). It would probably be more than that if we actually could see each other more.

Too much? No such thing... ok there probably is but I've never been there. I guess too much would be when someone started prioritizing sex over other important things in life.

Sex is an important thing in a relationship, but it is definately not THE most important thing.

As Amanda69 advised, if you don't feel like there's enough sex in your relationship you need to talk about. My question to you is, how often do you have sex?

[MoonLightKiss]

Amanda is right, talking to your wife is something you need to do. But I would also add that you both agree beforehand that nothing said during the conversation can be used against the other at a later time. Its a time to be honest and open without fear or reprisal. And try not to approach it in a combative manner. For example, "we don't have sex enough and I am sick of it." probably not a good way to start. Instead maybe something like "I want to be able to show you how much I love you in bed and out. It seems like we are both tired so much here lately. What can I do to make things easier for us?"

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by mr_mrskam

Hello everyone,

We have been lurking around reading and only have made a few comments.
I have a question to put out there.

As a couple , how much sex is considered to much, and what is really not enough!

After raising two kids, that were both needed special attention, we kinda putting our love life on the back burner. It got to the point where we were only having sex once a week, then once every other week!

I could go on, and on, and on, but I will just stick to the question! How much sex is too much, and what would you , as a couple consider not enough?

I don't think there is such thing as "too much sex" But not enough... oh yeah.

I think the amount of sex you have in your relationship varies depending on what other things are going on in your life. Work, kids, health, etc., play a huge role in the desire to have sex vs. the need to have sex.

When your life gets busy it seems sex is one of the first things to get pushed out of the schedule. You're too tired, too stressed, etc. to have sex. Doesn't mean you don't want to have it, just means you don't.

Mrs. WS and I are there right now. With me being forced to start a new career 180° from what I was doing for the past 20 years, and having to work two full time jobs and doing freelance work at night, then add the stresses of the phone ringing non-stop with creditors wondering where there money is and three daughters (two of whom are teenagers) out of school right now and staying-up late at night, the time we have and the stress we are undergoing has put a big kabosh on the sex life right now. We want to, but it just isn't happening. We had to go 100 miles away and get a hotel room last week just to have real sex for the first time in over a month.

It sucks, but it's where we are at right now. And also why we have decided to take a breather from swinging until the dust settles. We don't have time for each other right now much less others.

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by mr_mrskam

Amanda, I guess at this point, I the male is not very happy with where we are in the romance department. I have accepet and shared in raising the kids. The Mrs on the other hand, feels that there is more that can be done, but is not real sure on how or what to do!.

We both are healthy and no injuries!

I would have to say that from this statement sex is being used as a tool or a weapon to get something else from you in the relationship, or she just isn't "feeling it" because she feels her needs in the relationship are not being met. I would suggest a good relationship counselor to help you get to the bottom of what the real problem is.

Mr. WS

[mr_mrskam]

Julie, usually once a week, and if that week is missed then, it is put off until the next weekend or our days off work. I usually help in the house work, cooking, washing, cleaning etc.. In hope that that would have allowed us more time togather. But that did not help.

Most of the time she can see the dissapointment on my face, and will usually ask "what is wrong". When what talk about the lack of romance , intamacy, she respond, "why does it all have to lead back to SEX!! At that point I just shut down and give up on the conversation.

[TwoLittleBirds]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

I don't think there is such thing as "too much sex" But not enough... oh yeah.
Mr. WS

Well I'm going to disagree with Mr. WS, and blow any chance we had of swinging with them: I DO think there can be such a thing as "too much sex"! Sorry, Westerns!

I guess I would say when one partner becomes uncomfortable with the frequency of sex, it's too much. Like most things in a relationship, it's about respect for each other. Of course, if you are both starving, dive in. If it starts making you late for work, or ignoring family needs, then there may be a problem. Short of that... refer back to WS's post and go for it!


Mr. LB

[Sweet_Candy]

Sex either makes or breaks the relationship. A relationship is about more than sex but in the end it comes back to sex. Finding the happy medium between no sex and too much sex is the quest.

[BradAndJanet]

I read somewhere that, next to money, the frequency of sex (or the lack of it) is one of the foremost things that couples argue about. Not everyone's sex drive is the same, nor does a person's desire remain the same throughout their lifetime. Situations change, children come along, work pressures interfere, as do health issues.

If you can talk about it openly and honestly, then I urge you to do so. If that's difficult, consider finding a marriage counselor or couple's therapist. A good one will help break down the barriers to communication and help you find your own solution.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by mr_mrskam

Most of the time she can see the dissapointment on my face, and will usually ask "what is wrong". When what talk about the lack of romance , intamacy, she respond, "why does it all have to lead back to SEX!! At that point I just shut down and give up on the conversation.

I'm sensing this is the age-old difference: women want and need to be romanced, to feel the love, in order to get turned-on and excited about sex. Like many men, your primary focus is the frequency that you are missing.

Here's a thought: instead of shutting down and giving up on the conversation about romance/intimacy, try asking her what she is missing and what she needs. You already know what you are missing (the frequency). Her answer may be more complex than that. It's not just about your helping with kids and chores (though that's appreciated), it's about reaching her heart. Just exactly as it was in the beginning of your courtship, the yearning and the butterflies in your stomachs, women never stop wanting that. They yearn for you to court them, make them feel adored. Make her feel that you are thinking of her all day long. She needs to hear it (say it out loud). Not just the horny thoughts (we like that too), but the loving & tender thoughts, as well. Have you tried romance? You know her best - does she love getting romantic cards? flowers? Light a few candles and open a bottle of wine? Rub her back? Compliment her in different ways? Most women LOVE verbal affirmations. After all these years, you probably know exactly what to do. Just do those things, and don't stop.

If at all possible, I'd suggest that you date her. My hubby and I still "date", and we make it special (it means a lot & makes a difference). We both happen to be the romantic types and we love all of that mushy stuff, making each other feel special. It happens to lead to fantastic sex, by the way. If at ALL possible, get away overnight - and a whole weekend is great! BUT, don't just do these things just to get the end result (more sex), or it will show. Do it from the heart, because she's your girl, you do love her and think of her all day long, and you want her to feel that from you. Because you want to give her what she yearns for. Share your heart with her in general - be open about yourself, talk. Find things to laugh about together. That nurtures intimacy.

As much as you yearn for more sexual frequency, she's yearning for something just as much, too. Likely, it's the romance and all of the warm-fuzzy feelings. If you give her all she needs in that department, you will likely be paving the way to get exactly what you want, too.

[Tatakai]

Talk about deja vue, this WAS a topic that the wife and I have had over and overis about the frequency that we have/had sex. We have a soon to be 8 y/o son and before he was born it was once a week if I was lucky. Then after he was born things changed with her and for the first two years she about completely shut down the sex. I was going insane over it. Then one day things started to take off and we were having sex three to four times a week. As of the past year we are more like once every two weeks of actually having sex we play around more than anything but that is because I had to have back surgeries. We still play and have fun though. My best suggestion is to sit down with her over dinner when the kids are away or go out on a date the two of you. Have a good heart to heart talk that usually ends up with both of you having tears in your eyes. You will have a chance to tell her how you feel and that you are still in love with her and everything. Kids do have a affect on the love life but it shouldn't end it. Be understanding and listen to what she says to you, but let her know how you feel and explain it so that she will understand as well.

Take care and best wishes on it

But to answer the questio of enough or to much. I don't think that I have gotten to a point of it being to much. Even with the back being cut on over and over again.
Sex is to important to me, so I deal with the pain.

Tatakai

[JustAskJulie]

For us, anything less than once a week and we start getting a little bitchy (and by WE I mean both of us). Sex has very much a unifying effect for us. When we go without sex more than about a week we find that we get annoyed with each other easier, we tend to not sit as close togethre or in general have that sweet and sappy newlywed thing going on.

As for too much... haven't found it yet.