Not sure what to do...

crzycuple · 06-06-2006, 09:35 AM

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, been together about 4 years now. When we met I found out that he had been single for 5 years or so and had only his masterbation to please him. When we first got together we had a great sex life. Since I had our child a year ago things seem to have changed. We do not hardly ever have sex and when we do it is more mutual/helping masterbation. I have also "caught" him playing to pon on the internet and then tryign to hide it from me by erasing his history and such. I do not know what to think. He has an "addiction" I guess you could say? I do not know if it is even possible to be addicted to porn/masterbating? It bothers me quite a bit that he does this since almost all of the porn he looks at is other women and all of them are skinnier/better looking then I am. I am just looking for a little information on what to do or think?

Thanx.

Amanda69 · 06-06-2006, 01:10 PM

Oh God getting a flash back to my last relationship...sorry hun. There are all sorts of reasons why men prefer to masturbate over actual sex. Many of them to do with their own self esteem and/or performance anxiety.

Porn/Internet and men go hand in hand (no pun intended), in fact I love cruising the sites myself (female) here and masturbating at times. They are always going to be looking at what is different from us, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with how we look or our attractiveness.

Talk to him, find out what he is thinking. You might be suprised at the outcome.

blinkey · 06-06-2006, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzycuple

... Since I had our child a year ago things seem to have changed. We do not hardly ever have sex and when we do it is more mutual/helping masterbation. I have also "caught" him playing to pon on the internet and then trying to hide it from me by erasing his history and such. I do not know what to think.

What is the reason for the loss of sex drive? Is it you or him? Having a child can be very tiring, and being tired can take its toll in many forms. If you are not very open to sex... I would say be glad that he's into porn and not into someone else! Do you consider porn to be a problem? If he's taking care of himself with porn so often that you think he is not interested in sex with you, then I would say it's clearly a problem. If you are not feeling horny very often and turn him down, and his alternative is taking care of himself with porn, then that sounds about as good as one could expect of him. What alternative would you prefer he take?

The thing to discover is if his porn is a cause of your sex problems or a response to it. (You both may have different answers, so try to keep open minds.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzycuple

He has an "addiction" I guess you could say? I do not know if it is even possible to be addicted to porn/masterbating?

They say you can get addicted to just about anything, including internet, porn, and sex. So I would hazard a guess of "yes", he could be addicted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzycuple

It bothers me quite a bit that he does this since almost all of the porn he looks at is other women and all of them are skinnier/better looking then I am. I am just looking for a little information on what to do or think?
Thanx.

There is a lot of context that only you know in this situation, but guys get horny, and need an outlet. Personally if I watch porn I hope the particpants are attractive!

Final questions, do you two swing? Are you considering it? Personally, I wouldn't recommend it for you right now. If not, why do you ask advice here? (Genuinely curious.)

Blink

intuition897 · 06-06-2006, 04:44 PM

I see in your SLS profile that you're both young-ish (25) and have been married about a year. That being the case, you two are both still in that newlywed phase, even though the sex has started to change some. Rest assured that if you tough it out, the "post-partum sexual drought" will change, your relationship will evolve, and things (eventually) do get smoother. How much work you're willing to put into your marriage is going to determine the speed and depth of that growth. Just because there's a sexual drought doesn't mean that the relationship should be discarded. I'm sure that's not what you were thinking, but I just see this mentality often. "*GASP* No sex?! Why, that must mean our relationship is doomed! It's a sign!" Yeah. It's a sign that something needs some tweaking. You can't expect two separate lives to merge together without some upheaval and discomfort. It's not a big deal; you just need to get to the root of the problem and make the necessary changes.

As far as the porn thing goes, I think it's probably best just talk to him. Tell him that you know he looks at porn, and that you don't care that he does (right?), so you're wondering why he feels the need to hide it from you?

Or, on the other hand, if it really does bother you that he looks at airbrushed flesh, you'll need to come to an understanding somehow. See, the fact is, he IS going to be sexually excited by other women. And yes, many will be skinnier, younger, prettier, etc. But you know what Mr. intuition told me when I expressed my concerns about not being "enough" for him compared with them? He told me they needed to be more physically attractive than me, because they simply had nothing else to offer him. And there WAS no comparison. It's like comparing apples to oranges. A spouse is just on a whole different level. You're not competing with these women, or any other women for that matter. They're just there for the "entertainment". And as a swinger, I realize this as another man's swing partner. There is no way I'm ever going to be able to compete with a man's wife, and I'd only be a fool to think so.

Mr. Truelove · 06-06-2006, 06:19 PM

Just some food for thought. Sometimes people masturbate because it is just easier. No getting ready for it, no relationship....just bam. Instant gratification. Some people masturbate half the time and still have a healthy sexlife.

As for the women being prettier, well I honestly think if you are going to masturbate, most the time you need some sort of stimulation to get it going. And it's not like you would cruise the internet for some "normal" looking people. The objective being instant no hassle gratification usually would include the top notch stimulation. =P

With that being said. It shouldn't replace a normal relationship. And I don't think the masturbation is the problem. There's a deeper issue here under the surface somewhere. And you aren't going to get to the bottom of it until you talk to him about it.

Tell him you might be open to the idea of him masturbating if you could understand why. And go from there. I went through a phase a while back where I just wasn't in the mood often or at the right times. And that caused similar problems.

And porn can be addicting, but I would be hesistant to call it an addiction at this point.

MoonLightKiss · 06-07-2006, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzycuple

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, been together about 4 years now. When we met I found out that he had been single for 5 years or so and had only his masterbation to please him. When we first got together we had a great sex life. Since I had our child a year ago things seem to have changed. We do not hardly ever have sex and when we do it is more mutual/helping masterbation. I have also "caught" him playing to pon on the internet and then tryign to hide it from me by erasing his history and such. I do not know what to think. He has an "addiction" I guess you could say? I do not know if it is even possible to be addicted to porn/masterbating? It bothers me quite a bit that he does this since almost all of the porn he looks at is other women and all of them are skinnier/better looking then I am. I am just looking for a little information on what to do or think?

Thanx.

Is it possible that between bills, money problems, kids (especially one that takes up ALOT of time, because babies have a habit of doing that) jobs, stress, and all the other little factors of life, that its possible you both lay down in bed and just crash instead of taking time even if its only five minutes a night to just cuddle and say "I love you?" We had a similiar problem in our marraige right after the birth of our second child. So I was just curious as to the circumstances in the marraige itself. That may be the reason all this is coming out now.

My advice is simply this, talk to him. Find out whats going on. Maybe its nothing more than he needs a little satisfaction, but he sees how tired you are after taking care of the baby, and he hates to ask you to satisfy his needs, because he wants you to rest up while you can for the sake of the baby. Could be a case of both of you being so unselfish, and thinking of the other one so much, that neither of you are getting your needs filled. Its happened before. So talk to him, and let us know how it works out for ya.

mr&mrsbees · 06-07-2006, 03:34 PM

We would say that it is the newly wed syndrome/phase. Like Amanda69 said try to communicate. You'll be surprised. We ourselves discovered a lot of things recently after 13 years of marriage.

Mr Bees

crzycuple · 06-09-2006, 12:40 AM

I have discussed this with him and he just says it is easier and that is all he had for 5 years so that is what he is used to. I am all for sex 99% of the time. I have always been a sexual person. Yes, I stay at home with my kids, but he knows I am not tired all the time and he works, but we do have our time at night to cuddle and such. He just seems to not be into me much lately tho. He will come home from work, get on the computer and do some surfing or playing some games, then he will go to bed, get up in the morning, go to work, rinse and repeat.

I try to intice him with new approaches to sex, but I am getting tired of being the one that has to initiate it all the time. He has never once initiated sex, besides him masterbating. I can not get him to do oral, or much foreplay either. I am not into masterbation much as I prefer having the "touch".

How can I spice things up and get things to turn around or even get him interested in sex without having to start stroking him? That is the only was I can get him "in the mood". I am just confused and do not know where else to look right now. I have tried getting books to read together. I have Pocket Kama Sutra and 203 Ways to Drive a Man Wild in Bed. We have read these together and I have tried many of the ideas, but to no avail.

We have actual intercourse about once a month and usually mutual masterbation bout once a week. And the reason I do post here is that we had discussed swinging further down the line and wanted to get insight about it before we made our final decision.

I have to agree right now I do not think I could handle swinging as I am still in the phase of not wanting to "share" lol. Though he has mentioned wanting to let me get with some other guy while he watches and masterbate. (boggle) I do not understand what is with him masterbating, everything is that.

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06-06-2006, 09:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
crzycuple Registered Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Missouri Status: couple SLS Name:Mocuple4u	Not sure what to do... My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, been together about 4 years now. When we met I found out that he had been single for 5 years or so and had only his masterbation to please him. When we first got together we had a great sex life. Since I had our child a year ago things seem to have changed. We do not hardly ever have sex and when we do it is more mutual/helping masterbation. I have also "caught" him playing to pon on the internet and then tryign to hide it from me by erasing his history and such. I do not know what to think. He has an "addiction" I guess you could say? I do not know if it is even possible to be addicted to porn/masterbating? It bothers me quite a bit that he does this since almost all of the porn he looks at is other women and all of them are skinnier/better looking then I am. I am just looking for a little information on what to do or think? Thanx.

06-06-2006, 01:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
Amanda69 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 907 Location: Mississauga, ON Canada Status: couple	Re: Not sure what to do... Oh God getting a flash back to my last relationship...sorry hun. There are all sorts of reasons why men prefer to masturbate over actual sex. Many of them to do with their own self esteem and/or performance anxiety. Porn/Internet and men go hand in hand (no pun intended), in fact I love cruising the sites myself (female) here and masturbating at times. They are always going to be looking at what is different from us, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with how we look or our attractiveness. Talk to him, find out what he is thinking. You might be suprised at the outcome. __________________ Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. "Harvey Fierstein"

06-06-2006, 04:44 PM	#4 (permalink)
intuition897 Canadian, eh? Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 2,602 Location: Kingston, ON Status: Couple SLS Name:intuition897	Re: Not sure what to do... I see in your SLS profile that you're both young-ish (25) and have been married about a year. That being the case, you two are both still in that newlywed phase, even though the sex has started to change some. Rest assured that if you tough it out, the "post-partum sexual drought" will change, your relationship will evolve, and things (eventually) do get smoother. How much work you're willing to put into your marriage is going to determine the speed and depth of that growth. Just because there's a sexual drought doesn't mean that the relationship should be discarded. I'm sure that's not what you were thinking, but I just see this mentality often. "GASP No sex?! Why, that must mean our relationship is doomed! It's a sign!" Yeah. It's a sign that something needs some tweaking. You can't expect two separate lives to merge together without some upheaval and discomfort. It's not a big deal; you just need to get to the root of the problem and make the necessary changes. As far as the porn thing goes, I think it's probably best just talk to him. Tell him that you know he looks at porn, and that you don't care that he does (right?), so you're wondering why he feels the need to hide it from you? Or, on the other hand, if it really does bother you that he looks at airbrushed flesh, you'll need to come to an understanding somehow. See, the fact is, he IS going to be sexually excited by other women. And yes, many will be skinnier, younger, prettier, etc. But you know what Mr. intuition told me when I expressed my concerns about not being "enough" for him compared with them? He told me they needed to be more physically attractive than me, because they simply had nothing else to offer him. And there WAS no comparison. It's like comparing apples to oranges. A spouse is just on a whole different level. You're not competing with these women, or any other women for that matter. They're just there for the "entertainment". And as a swinger, I realize this as another man's swing partner. There is no way I'm ever going to be able to compete with a man's wife, and I'd only be a fool to think so. __________________ Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.

06-06-2006, 06:19 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mr. Truelove Beware,noob giving advice Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,011 Location: Fort Wayne Status: Married Male SLS Name:Thetrueloves	Re: Not sure what to do... Just some food for thought. Sometimes people masturbate because it is just easier. No getting ready for it, no relationship....just bam. Instant gratification. Some people masturbate half the time and still have a healthy sexlife. As for the women being prettier, well I honestly think if you are going to masturbate, most the time you need some sort of stimulation to get it going. And it's not like you would cruise the internet for some "normal" looking people. The objective being instant no hassle gratification usually would include the top notch stimulation. =P With that being said. It shouldn't replace a normal relationship. And I don't think the masturbation is the problem. There's a deeper issue here under the surface somewhere. And you aren't going to get to the bottom of it until you talk to him about it. Tell him you might be open to the idea of him masturbating if you could understand why. And go from there. I went through a phase a while back where I just wasn't in the mood often or at the right times. And that caused similar problems. And porn can be addicting, but I would be hesistant to call it an addiction at this point.

06-07-2006, 03:34 PM	#7 (permalink)
mr&mrsbees Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 28 Location: Online Status: Couple SLS Name:Beecomplex	Re: Not sure what to do... We would say that it is the newly wed syndrome/phase. Like Amanda69 said try to communicate. You'll be surprised. We ourselves discovered a lot of things recently after 13 years of marriage. Mr Bees

06-09-2006, 12:40 AM	#8 (permalink)
crzycuple Registered Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Missouri Status: couple SLS Name:Mocuple4u	Re: Not sure what to do... I have discussed this with him and he just says it is easier and that is all he had for 5 years so that is what he is used to. I am all for sex 99% of the time. I have always been a sexual person. Yes, I stay at home with my kids, but he knows I am not tired all the time and he works, but we do have our time at night to cuddle and such. He just seems to not be into me much lately tho. He will come home from work, get on the computer and do some surfing or playing some games, then he will go to bed, get up in the morning, go to work, rinse and repeat. I try to intice him with new approaches to sex, but I am getting tired of being the one that has to initiate it all the time. He has never once initiated sex, besides him masterbating. I can not get him to do oral, or much foreplay either. I am not into masterbation much as I prefer having the "touch". How can I spice things up and get things to turn around or even get him interested in sex without having to start stroking him? That is the only was I can get him "in the mood". I am just confused and do not know where else to look right now. I have tried getting books to read together. I have Pocket Kama Sutra and 203 Ways to Drive a Man Wild in Bed. We have read these together and I have tried many of the ideas, but to no avail. We have actual intercourse about once a month and usually mutual masterbation bout once a week. And the reason I do post here is that we had discussed swinging further down the line and wanted to get insight about it before we made our final decision. I have to agree right now I do not think I could handle swinging as I am still in the phase of not wanting to "share" lol. Though he has mentioned wanting to let me get with some other guy while he watches and masterbate. (boggle) I do not understand what is with him masterbating, everything is that.

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