My Labido disappeared, what now?????

[KittKatt]

This is the Mrs.
I recently had an extreme boost in my labido wich since led us to swinging and wonderful times !!

PROBLEM.....it's gone!!!! I really can't explain it nor do I understand it myself, other than house wife syndrome LOL

Hubby is furious with me, he says he can live without the swinging, but wants his wife.....ok I understand that, but I am just not in the mood for sex at all right now!!! and haven't been for many weeks

So he writes me a letter this morning, ending it with " the balls in your court for our realtionship".........Great....is this going to end up as divorce number 3??????????
God I pray not!!!! I love him truly, but have issues I guess, you can read about a few in my previous posts

Now I don't know what to do, give in...pretend to feel attractive and horny, or just keep trying to explain my self, as I have done many times
He just don't understand and really I'm not sure I do either

I become very recentful about this topic when I feel pressured, and hope he can be more understanding and patient with me.

SOOOOOOOO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANY ADVICE PLEASE???????????

xoxoxoxo C

[Vespertine]

I've been through this before and it's not fun. Housewife syndrome, stress or hormones gone AWOL usually do it for me.

To be pressured or feel guilty for not wanting to have sex during these moments makes things worse, for me anyway. It's unfair of your husband to judge your relationship on physical intimacy alone. However, I think it's a natural reaction for a man when he doesn't understand what you're going through. I know the first time this happened to me, my husband couldn't understand and emotionally started to detatch himself because he thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore.

Like everything in a relationship, it all boils down to communication. Talk with your husband. Assure him it's a problem with you, not him. Perhaps make an appointment with your GYN to see what's going on (I didn't read your prior posts, so idk what your current situation is).

If your husband is still at odds with the lack of physical activity, seeing a marital counselor would be a good idea.

[jennandjamesinm]

It is so hard when you libido leaves you and you are left wondering why....Have you started any new medications? Do you take anti-depressants? Have you had new stressors in your life? Is there something that you feel resentful about towards your husband and haven't been able to communicate to him? Could you be pre-menopausal? The cause of your diminished libido could be physical or emotional - there are so many variables here.

I would cease any swinging until you get this resolved. Get you relationship with hubby on track. Any swinging might just make this worse. And communicate with him - even if you are feeling defensive or resentful. To stop communicating with him all together is just going to add fuel to the fire.

I would start with your Primary Care Physician - get a full physical and share your concerns with him or her. Make sure it is nothing physical. If it is - then get it fixed If its not - then look at the emotional. Housewife Syndrome is a bitch!! You have kids hanging on you all day and you get all "touched out." by the end of the day. Then hubby comes home and wants to make love, and you're like gosh, can't I have my body to myself???? I have been there so my sympathies are with you. Being the housewife with no where to go can get old quick and it seems like there is always something that needs to be done. It is hard work being a housewife!!!

A therapist for just you might be a good idea. Someone who is non-judgemental, an impartial 3rd party. You should be able to tall a good therapist about being involved in the lifestyle, they aren't going to judge you. And if they do, find another one. You don't have to worry about outting yourself either - a therapist is bound by Doctor - Patient confidentaility and can not discuss your case with anyone. Possibly marriage counseling for both of you to determine why you feel this way and why he feels like "the ball is in your court." Its not fair to issue ultimatums like that. I mean did he marry you just for sex? I don't think so. You swing and that has taken that component out of the marriage - ya'll are married and love each other for other reasons than sex or at least I hope so.

I hear in your post how much you love your husband, and you are going through a hard time. Maybe have him check out this thread. You seemed to be able to explain it to us, maybe it will help you talk to him. When you don't know why something is happening to you (in your case, your missing libido) its very easy to get defensive and resentful becasue you DON'T know why this is happening to you. So my advice is simply this - find out why. And keep talking to hubby - remember he doesn't understand why either. I hope this helps you some. Good Luck and please keep us updated.

Jenn

[KittKatt]

Thanks Vespertine,
I have to ask, did your labido come back? I'm glad to hear it's not just me, I thought I was a freak or something, not having any women to talk to I don't know if others go through these things or not.

Over the years it seems I go through spurts of sexual energy....still don't know why this is.
And yeah my hubby mentioned me not wanting him anymore as well, even said in his letter, " You have a list of people".....meaning to take care of my needs
and said if he can't make me happy then he needs a woman he can....GRRRRRRR

see what I mean?????? damnit!!!!

but I will keep talking to him and try my hardest to salvage our marriage, even though I would be perfectly happy just being mom and wife for now, just not wanting sex...it's not as big of deal to me, sure i do get a bit horny from time to time, but all the nasty remarks about it all......WHO NEEDS IT?

MEN!!!!!!!!!

LOL...thanks lady, xoxoxo c

[KittKatt]

Thanks Jenn,
good points you have here..

I think alot of my personal problem is pre-menopausal, my body is going through tremendous changes, periods changing, bowels, pains that wasn't there before, sore breasts, and weight I can't seem to lose from my last child 4 yrs ago and that doc's can't explain thus far....
All leaving me feel so DESIREABLE :rollseyes

No problem with ceasing swinging.......done deal!! I don't want anyone touching me right now, much less someone who could care less about me personally, and just wants sex...grrrrrr leave me alone LOL
I know not all swingers or people are that way about it, but most we met just want f*ck buddies.....and i'm just not that horny anyways heehehee

My defensiveness is coming from his crappy remarks that he's made all the way through our adventures in this liestyle, so it stands to reason to me to just leave it all in the dust and focus on our marriage. However I don't want to talk about sex all the time, I will talk with him again and again if he needs to, but it's upsetting to me to have to, why can't he just understand and love me unconditionally? is how I feel

Recently seen a few doc's, however none that were gyn....I need to do this I know, but what if there isn't a "fix", I don't like taking meds at all, all have terrible side effects for me.
And if there's not a fix I can handle, so to speak...then we just ride my emotional roller coaster? I know it's so unfair to hubby to live this way, only get sex when I want it....and that's what he feels like is going on, I just wish I could figure out what to do or say to make this better.
Being the stay at home mom off and on over the last 20 yrs has taken a huge toll on me, we just got the last child started in Pre-K and full time at that, so I am very lucky in that sense...but still just sit at home all day like cobwebs on the wall :rollseyes
can't realy afford to go to work, for the child care expenses and I don't play well with others....heehehee (drugies, liars, thieves) wich is all over the work force these days

As far as being married for more than sex goes,........
I thought so too, but with all men I've ever known , it always seem to boil down to the same thing...SEX
I know at least for me , I love him with or without the sex, and I'm sure he would say the same....it's his actions that are screwing with my head and heart!!!

Comunication:
Definately will try to do, and thank you for your advice, I will have him read this when he gets home today, I sure hope it helps him understand.

xoxoxo C

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by KittKatt

Thanks Vespertine,
I have to ask, did your labido come back? I'm glad to hear it's not just me, I thought I was a freak or something, not having any women to talk to I don't know if others go through these things or not.

My labido changes frequently.

Some months, all I want to do is fuck, fuck, fuck...
I'll have an incredibly high sex drive and have sex on the brain 24/7. I'll wear my husband and Hitatchi Magic Wand out.

Then............fizzzzzzle...............

I'm indifferent to sex. I can take it or leave it.

Like I mentioned before, I think it's a hormonal thing. I also notice that kids, stress and self-esteem have a lot to do with it. Monotonous sex is a trigger for me too. I need to keep things interesting and like an element of sexual surprise.

My husband's good at getting me out of a sexual funk now. He'll shower me with a lot of non-sexual physical attention and stop initiating any sexual activity. He'll rub my back, give me lots of hugs and hold my hand as much as he can. He'll also try to find out what's going on in my life and see if he can help me out with any stressors: kids, house, etc...

It sounds to me like you have some pent up anger towards your husband. I hope you'll be able to work things out.

[KittKatt]

Vespertine, could your husband talk to mine?......
Sounds like yall have a perfect understanding of each other, and I can only hope our relationship is that good some day.

My anger isn't pent up, I let him know when he upsets me with his remarks about sex or body parts. And after we talk about it, I try to give myself time to come around, then just when I start feeling at ease with him again, he pulls something like this.
Sorry, but him saying things like he needs to find another woman he can make happy, just breaks my heart to pieces
And I never say things like that to hurt him, and NEVER would!!!!

Just crying my eyes out over all this now, if he can't understand maybe he should find a woman that's happy being horny 24/7 300 some days a yr, but if so, he shouldn't have said "I DO"

xoxoxo C

[2much]

My Mrs has experienced a libido-disapearing act (maybe she needs the magic-wand ) and I feel the frustration that your hubby must be feeling now; and yes, there are times where I feel like it's unfair & I wonder if I want to be married any longer - but let me say that as much as I love sex & want to have swinging be a part of our lives, my marriage is more important. Now, communication is key but it may not solve anything. I guess patience & acceptance are what it boils down to; hopefully the love & comitment to the marriage is strong enough that divorce #3 does not enter the picture.
Good luck - and wish me good luck too, I want my Mrs' libido back too!!!!

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by KittKatt

Sorry, but him saying things like he needs to find another woman he can make happy, just breaks my heart to pieces

I think hearing this from a spouse would tear anyone's heart to pieces. I know it would mine.

Your husband is probably upset at the lack of sexual attention from you and he's lashing out. He feels hurt by it and he wants you to hurt too.

Immature thinking, but not uncommon.

Find a therapist, I think it will help.

[KittKatt]

2MUCH.......Good Luck too you

I will add ....that I to have a magic stick...and don't want it either
For me, I think it's like Vespertine said...being indifferant to sex ...sums it up

But, I am sure we will make it through all this, probably for it to rear it's ugly head again down the road

Best of luck to ya'
xoxoxo C

[KittKatt]

Ohhhh Vespertine......
I am sure your right that it's immaturity in play here, but a therapist....
Talking about my lack of sex drive is deminishing to me already, but to pay someone to have to talk about it more and more....AGGHHH

Maybe I should just try that new pill for women, the one like viagra
I'm sure he'd be happy then!!!

ty lady
xoxoxo C

[TeaseAndPlease]

Hi KittKatt,

Did you have your thyroid checked, at your appointment?

Your situation sounds like something that I went through. I was always tired, my cycle was messed up, always cold, never had any desire for sex, could not drop any weight even with a proper diet, depression, very low concentration level. Just thought thats what happens when you are a stay home mom, with 3 kids. Good thing that I persisted.

The results from my thyroid came back normal, but I told my doctor that I felt so bad that there was something wrong. Thyroid problems run in the family. Upon further examination he felt a nodule on my thyroid. A few tests, surgery to remove thyroid, radioactive iodine treatment, and now a daily dose a synthroid and I am a new woman.

Now that everything is regulated, we look back and realize how bad I did feel.

Just another idea for you. I hope that things get better for you.

[KittKatt]

Intresting question T&P,
Actually during a full std exam, blood work was ran on hubby and myself, HIS thyroid read abnormal, and doc wants to recheck it later.
However mine evidently read ok, but my cholesterol was high, and doc wants to re-check it too

I have had several occassions where I cannot get warm to save my life, I'm talkin 3 blankets, 3 comfortes, pillows stacked on top of me from head to toe, and an electric blanket, ALL AT ONCE!!!
sounds like I need to get doc to look further into it for me, thanks alot!!

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt]

http://thyroid.about.com/cs/basics_s...thyroid101.htm

After doing a quick search on thyroid, I found this site....in some reading it appears that most women" feel well " at a level of 1 to 2 on a TSH range
even though alot of doc's say a normal range is 5 to 6

ok, so I called my doc and asked what my test level was when she checked it in June 2005, they said it was 1.28
hmmmm intresting, because in June I was feeling fine...horny and attractive and all....

Now to get retested and see if my levels have changed since then

thanks again for the info.
xoxoxo C

[Chicup]

Kitty do you get exercise? I don't mean just light aerobic but weights, stretching, etc?

Since Mrs Chicup and I have started exercising on a more regular basis, her libido has drasticly increased and mine has shot through the roof. She was basicly A-sexual for a number of months due to a recent baby, being on the mini-pill, breast feeding, and feeling unattractive. Now thats shes looking and feeling better shes back to her old fun self.