My Labido disappeared, what now?????

[KittKatt]

Ahhhh got me there
I really don't as much as I should or could now that kiddo started school
and honestly it is a goal to go join the local gym, and go daily

I know I do feel better about myself and health in general when I excercise,
just haven't committed to it yet <EG>

xoxoxo C

[TeaseAndPlease]

Originally Posted by KittKatt

After doing a quick search on thyroid, I found this site....in some reading it appears that most women" feel well " at a level of 1 to 2 on a TSH range
even though alot of doc's say a normal range is 5 to 6

ok, so I called my doc and asked what my test level was when she checked it in June 2005, they said it was 1.68
hmmmm intresting, because in June I was feeling fine...horny and attractive and all....

This is Mr. T&P adding a followup. I believe my wife's TSH level was "normal" but she still didn't feel well. She was persistent with her doctor so he did a physical exam on her neck and felt a small bump. The thyroid is usually not a gland you can feel through a physical exam so this was what raised the red flag -- not the blood work.

Just something to think about.

[RMRx2]

I always did enjoy reading Vespertine's posts. I would agree with her on all counts.

Maybe a suggestion, Pehaps both of you could benefit from a step back and placing your feet in the others shoes. These kinds of problems can often happen in reverse. Perhaps if hubby were to try and imagine being preoccupied with work, or some other issue that has his interest at a low point, and perhaps if you were to imagine your labido at an all time high. Just as an exercise in cooling this issue down to realistic and civil converstion with a bit of mutual understanding. He would see how while he loves you very much, would just not be feeling sexual and all the more that made you frustrated, would only increase the pressure for him to be in a place,,he just wasn't. And then too, if sexually charged, could give some thought to all of the feelings he is going through. Although, you seem to already understand his frustration pretty well. But maybe some real effort at imagining this issue in reverse may get you talking a bit more rationally.

With that, I will say that this sort of thing has happened both directions many times in our lives and life together. The one thing that always seems to help the most is to hold each other close, communicate, think of the others feelings first,,,,,and agree,,,,sex will happen when we're ready again. We usually get way ready sooner than we thought just becuase we let the pressure go.

I think Vespertines hubby has that understanding in that he backs off, and just loves her more. Why just last night, (and for the past cpl of weeks) we both really wanted to be horney and sexual, but just wasn't interested. We laid there naked next to each other making vain attemps at arousing each other, mixed with discussions on whether or not to turn out the lights. I asked Mrs. RMRX2 if she'd mind putting on a few articles of clothing. (I love watching her dress!) She was tired, but complied. She put on a black bra,,,some black thigh highs, a short black slip,,,,she was looking pretty hot. I suggested she put on one of my white dress shirts, turn the collar up and rll the sleeves a bit. As she did so, I could tell she was enjoying seeing me staring at her and she could tell I was enjoying what I saw. I motioned for her to come near the bed, and suggested she let her hair out ad shake it a bit!,,,,,,I said "OH BABY!, Go look at how hot you look in the mirror!" She did and came back to the bed with an ear to ear grin and crawled over me, hair all around my face. That's all it took, deciding we weren't in the mood, we backed away and played a little. She felt soooooo sexy,,I loved seeing her walking about the room dressing for me,,,,,,

We have a few erotic books I read to her from time to time. Her favorite is when I write an erotic short story about an actual hot session we shared and then read it to her. We have agreed many times we were going to put aside sex, and just spend a bit of time together. We have just played cards naked on the bed together. Seems soon as we agree niether of us is all that horney or we can just wait until we are,,,,,that's about when it all comes back.

Good luck and I hipe this helps in some way along with Vespertines wonderful posts.

the rmrx2's

[KittKatt]

T&P very true,

I have a follow up appt set for Sept 1st now to re-check my levels just in case, plus to check the choleterol

Honestly I am kinda hoping my levels are higher now, and that could explain how I have been feeling. And I will surely have them check the thyroid itself as well while I'm there.

But you know what, here I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and hopefully I will....assuming anything is at all,
and meanwhile, hubby is gettin off scott free with his belittling attitude....I am asking myself some serious questions now about the man I married.

After he gets home I'll ask if I can post his letter so everyone can get a better understanding of where I'm coming from on this.

'till then
xoxoxo C

[KittKatt]

Hi RMRx2

I to enjoy Vespertines posts, always have

As to your relationship ..........Awwwwwww it sounds so sweet and sensual

We too like to read stories, just haven't done it together as of yet, nice idea though. But I still have many many occasions where I just don't want to be touched at all!!!!!!

And then others where I am wearing out hubby, single men in mfm's and wore out 2 dildo's.....

I do fully understand that he is always horny and that even makes me feel kinda good in a way, but I wish I could help him understand that I'm NOT him , this gander don't want what the goose wants all the time....

but thank you all for the kind thoughts and advice
I'll try to keep you posted
xoxoxo C

[KittKatt]

Ok this is kitt. This has been a far better post then the last issue me and katt had. Everyone including katt has hit a issue I am going thru. I wrote the letter out of angry. i wrote it out of hope and most of all out of peace of mind.Meaning to get it off my chest. I do want you all to know that i love my wife dearly. I would do anything for her and she knows it. And sometime my meaning of thing come out wrong and we have to work it out.
Well our sex life after our kido went to the gutters.(4 years) And then all the sudden wamm she caint get enough of me.OUCH! Now she has been sick off and on for the past two month almost and it is back to the same life we were living. Im not say it is bad by no mean but was told by her how to keep it around. Well those thing dont work. It only makes it worse for me because i feel like it is me that caint turn her eyes. I fell like the failure here. I have giving up every thing i do to make sure that all my time away from work is ours with the exception of the niebhors wanting me to fix things(im the handy man around here too).As for me being horny all the time. In my defense im not. But how ever i do want the cuddling the kisses and the thing that make two people feel like the other has hung the moon.But there is not anything like that here. maybe a peck here and a peck there. We dont even share the same bed times anymore. I enjoy after a long days work and a nice supper to climb in bed before actually sleep time to cuddle creast and hen peck with my wife. But that dont happen either. So my plans are to go back to my hobbys which is ham radio.That i do up stairs. And to be Tony the hubby without any sexual attraction to my wife. I have been the chaser and i just caint chase no more. The rejection have just broke me down. This is where i say the ball is in your court. If you want me you do the chasing i will be around here doing yard work radio work or playing with the kid.If that is wrong yall tell me.

[Sunswept]

T&C
Hello T , good to see you post here! The good news is I think it is a good sign you are both posting about this. That means you two can work this out.

First of all, it is normal for a womans, (and mens too!) libedo to go through "cycles", swinging from higher to lower and back again...and the swings are much rougher for a woman because of their hormone cycles. Also, their libidos seem more affected by other health problems than mens libido's are. Doing everything, see a doctor,exercise and diet...all are things you two have to explore.

Also, when someone is on a libido downswing, there are many things that can make it longer and lower. Putting too much stress or pressure on something can make it fail, like the too much stress on a a stick will make it snap. Same with sex. The more narrow one's idea of what sex is can blind one to other avenues of sex, especially sexual and personal validation. Giving someone a kiss, or flowers or a non sexual, incidental touch, or any other attention "out of the blue", so to speak...with no "agenda" can be sex, and is very sexy.

T, I really invite you to ponder that negative comments to her will only make things worse and prolong both of your troubles. I also invite you C to make sure that, even though you are not feeling in the groove, to tell T you want things to be different...as often as possable till you all get past this.

Communications are vital, but we all can fall into communication patterns that are not helpful, and can be counter productive. T, saying something like " I know you are not feeling very horny, but I want you to know it is hard for me when our libidos get so out of sync....etc etc..etc." allows you to share with C how you are feeling... without putting pressure on her. How you say things means a lot. You can see from her posts she is already putting a lot of pressure on herself, and is unhappy with her loss of libido... and looking for answers. And to say something like "the ball is in your court" only makes her feel worse about something she already knows is a problem, is something she is at a loss to deal with, and does not want herself.

See what I am saying here? This is a sure way to make her libido go even lower...and make it low longer. Look at it this way. What if you were really tired or ill, and you could not get it up. And she said, "You better get it up, or the ball is in your court." Would that help you get it up?? I doubt it! Would it make you feel worse? Yes it would. And T, saying something to her like "I need to find another woman to make me happy" is...well, you know what it is, and I bet you wish you could take that back. So do that.

T, sure dry spells are hard to go through, we have all been there, its tough. And I do hope you get the idea that "its me that can't turn her eyes" out of your head. It is an illusion. NO ONE IS TURNING HER EYES RIGHT NOW! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! You said you "would do anything for her.." and I believe you. So, you have to hang in there with her on this. There are so many ways to make a woman feel appreciated and loved, do those things for her now. And not because you need to, but because you want to. Her body, the one you love, is doing things to her she wishes it was not! Remember that and help her with that. Cherish those "pecks here and there." Believe me, you don't want those little pecks to end..for any reason.

[RMRx2]

Originally Posted by KittKatt

Hi RMRx2

it together as of yet, nice idea though. But I still have many many occasions where I just don't want to be touched at all!!!!!!

Kittkatt, heard you loud and clear through the posts, "just don't want to be touched at all" It is good that you want to figure this out and work on the problem the two of you are having, because I am sure you have figured out that if there is not any physical reasons and the relationship is not that out of wack, "not wanting to be touched at all" is a problem in a relationship and a personal one, Yours. And as such, yours to determine the reasons and fix.

Mostly I read venting about hubby in and around the discussion of the problem. Mostly I read venting about hubby in around the advice offered up. Venting is good. But not wanting to be touched at all requires some proactive efforts. Now I read venting from hubby. All good, maybe time to roll up the sleeves and work on it.

Definitely feel both of you need to be focusing proactively and in healthy, positive ways towards each others need, feelings, and in resolving this issue, whatever the core issues turn out to be.

There are many reasons that interest in sexual attention may wain. There are few legitimate reasons for it to continue. Arguing and being angry or frustrated with one another isn't going to fix it. Sadly, there are many in this world who feel it is a GOD given right to refuse physical attentions from the one they have professed thier love and commitment to for whatever reasons ( and some them can be pretty deep ,manipulative, life learned, and hard to resolve) even if it is to be passive resistant to the problem. We do not agree. Physical attention and contact is a basic human need, as is air, food and water.

I hope you will take this in the way it was intended, a bit of no punches pulled advice. It is not meant in anyway to offend either of you. In discussion, mrs rmrx2 and I wish you the very best luck with the problems you are having. Having conflict in a relationship just sucks. Wishing you brighter days. Hoping the two of you can hold each other this weekend. The rmrx2's

[KittKatt]

Hi Sunswept,

This is C here, and I just want to thank you very much for your honesty and helpfulness

I can only imagine the blissfulness you must of had with your wife, and am so sorry for your loss. You have spoken to us both on this matter as if you understand the situation even without all the details.

You are very correct in your advice , and yes all kinds of small, thoughtful things, count as affection and sensualness, I do enjoy the small things as much as the next person.....given that I feel wanted and loved and respectd.
I am about to explain that in detail on the following post.

After T arrived home thursday, I had him read this forum, and needless to say, it lead us to a huge discussion !! One that I demanded and didn't give up untill we talked.

Alot of helpful advice has been given to us, and greatly appreciated
And yes we both have our own issues that need dealt with, without a doubt.
Dealt with together and lovingly,

It's a long road in life, and one that's most cherished and enjoyed with someone we love, learning, and growing are a huge part of that too .

xoxoxo C

[KittKatt]

Hello RMRx2 ,

This is C and I think I can understand what you are saying, however I don't think everyone can truly understand this situation without some cold hard facts that haven't been mentioned yet.

Please understand that we did have a true heart to heart talk and are currently in good standings and trying to correct our problems together.
And so that you could understand why I would choose not to have the normal and expected touching you described as needed in life as we need water and air, I got my husbands permision to post his letter.

If you received this from your spouse and reoccuring remarks as such, would you or anyone reading this want to be sexual with them? Keep in mind that I have kept forgiving him for these things he says to me, but in our talk thursday it was stated that this MUST STOP and STOP NOW!! I cannot and will not take any more emotional abuse , nor do I have to. I love this man with all my heart, but will not be unhappy my entire life to be with him.
Not that I want to be without him, I don't think I could so much as breath without him in my life, to share my days with. So here goes......

This is his one of many letters to me, I received this the morning of my first post on this issue............................................. ....................

" Hey, yeah it's me again, the sorry dumb ass who thinks to much. Well I have a problem and it needs fixed and fixed quickly. This is Bull Sh*t. I should not have to put myself through this torcher and you should not be treated the same. We have had the most beautiful love & passion over the last few months. Well skip the last one & part of July. But I am starting to see that it was not LOVE. Well now you pissed me off. But C it's true. If it is love, are you saying you dont love me that much anymore like those past months? C you have me goin in two directions. NO MORE, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. IT IS F*CKING WITH MY HEAD TO MUCH. NOW I KNOW YOUR COME BACK ANSWER....YOU BEEN SICK,,,,YES YOU HAVE, SICK OF ME TOUCHING , GROPING YOU CALL IT..WELL C , I GUESS WHEN YOU F*CK ME, I TOUCH YOU THE SAME WAY. So now my sex with you has never turned you on. Because I grope you. You tell me I have to do this & that to help you get in the mood. Well I do, I gave up radio's so I can sit on the bed and watch you play TOONTOWN, wich I guess is the QT you want with me?
I come home and try to do anything I can for you, but when I want a little romance, cuddling and if it turns to F*ckin, then hey I turned you on!! Cool I can do something right.
I am tired C, I don't want to play your game no more. I work to hard everyday to be puttin myself through these frustrations. The rejection and going to bed at 2 differant times. I don't want to sleep with a woman that don't want me.Who don't like me.Who gets pissed off because her husband is horny and wants his wife, not anyone else. Just the one he loves.
F*CK the swinging S*IT , I want you. I would rather slep alone in seperate rooms. Now that your pissed off at me give me your reasons. Tell me how I'm a f*cking a*s hole, because iI want my WIFE!!
C if you don't want me and you just kepin me around to help with our kid to make sure she is taken care of, that's fine! I will take care of you, But I am going to take care of T's needs to, or there won't be a T around. Something has to give C, you need to open up with me or let me go. Cause if I don't turn you on, then I will find someone who will let me turn them on!!!!!!
You don't need me for that anyways, you have a list, plus you can still venture upstairs and F*ck me when you need it. I am sorry you think I'm an A*s Hole, but hey you want some of me you better protect it! Because where I want to go right now, you will NEVER get me back!!
Yes I am in that bad a shape C. C I love you very much and if I can't express it the only way I know how, then SHOOT ME AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY AND YOURS.
The ball is in your court, you are the driver of our relationship. T "


That's his letter, and yes he explained to me he feels jealous of my time on the pc and not with him, so I am adjusting that so we can spend more time together , and try to go to bed at the same times,

And for some reason he admits that he has always felt responsible for other peoples happiness, even a stranger......
Mind you we had these same problems before swinging to, due to my fluctuating libido, and this isn't the only nor the worst he has said to me, but I honestly think he is beginning to understand and coming to a point where we together can work through this.


Thank you all for your caring and advice, and sorry that was soooo long

xoxoxo C

[chastityrings]

{{{hugs}}} to both of you, I have gone through sort of the same thing with the loss of sexual interest, then the over horniness, and also the not wanting to be touched, I find sometimes as a mother you get climbed on all day long by your kids, (not a bad thing but it wears you down), then your husband comes home and wants a piece of you too, so you give in and it goes on and on until you start feeling like a piece of playground equipment, and you just plain want to be left alone, no sex no touching just left the f*ck alone. Then when you tell him that, he takes it personal and thinks he's DONE something, when he hasn't (seems like some guys need to feel responsible for everything). I think some guys just don't understand that we as women and mothers, need some space of our own, some time to fuss over ourselves,(when's the last time you sat down and did your nails cause you found a cool new color you liked? ) instead of everybody else, that we feel kinda crowded, and its hard to get it through their heads that we DO LOVE THEM, just not on top of us for awhile. Its hard to feel attractive when you never get time to do things just for you. My best to you.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by KittKatt

If you received this from your spouse and reoccuring remarks as such, would you or anyone reading this want to be sexual with them? Keep in mind that I have kept forgiving him for these things he says to me, but in our talk thursday it was stated that this MUST STOP and STOP NOW!! I cannot and will not take any more emotional abuse , nor do I have to. I love this man with all my heart, but will not be unhappy my entire life to be with him.
Not that I want to be without him, I don't think I could so much as breath without him in my life, to share my days with. So here goes......

When I read this letter I don't see your husband being emotionally abusing to you. I see a man that's hurting. I see a man trying to communicate his feelings to his wife. I don't get the impression from reading this letter that he's just looking for a fuck. I see a man seeking reassurance that he's still wanted... and loved. I can see that he's said some things to hurt you, and I'm sorry he did. I think it's normal (but not right) to lash out and try to hurt someone that you feel is hurting you. I'm not implying that you hurt him. I think he's hurt because he doesn't understand what's going on.

That's his letter, and yes he explained to me he feels jealous of my time on the pc and not with him, so I am adjusting that so we can spend more time together , and try to go to bed at the same times

Shut the computer off and spend some time with your husband, and see what's going on with you two. Have you started this thread to get honest advice or are you looking for someone to validate your feelings?

It's obvious from everything that I've read that you're both hurting and it seems that you're both unhappy. It's time to do something about it. I don't think lack of labido is your main problem here. There appears to be more layers underneath that have yet to be addressed.

I went through something similar with my husband many years back. It took a LOT of blood, sweat and tears ( and a years separation) to get our relationship back on track. As it turned out, the things we most complained about weren't the core problems in our marriage.

Once again, I wish you both the best.

[RMRx2]

[QUOTE=Vespertine

I went through something similar with my husband many years back. It took a LOT of blood, sweat and tears ( and a years separation) to get our relationship back on track. As it turned out, the things we most complained about weren't the core problems in our marriage.

Once again, I wish you both the best.[/QUOTE]


Vespertine, we admire you even more for your honesty and willingness to even think back on that time and share for others. From personal experience, it is tough stuff, that takes down a lot of relationships, and not even fun to think back on. We become much stronger , though, for the effort. Just getting back to the board after a long absence, but hope someday we actually meet at some gathering.

Kittkatt, thank you for taking our response in the spirit it was intended. We did think that with the weekend coming up and all , you two would go through this thread together and some dialogue woud ensue. We wrote what we did in an effort to help you both settle into the issue and realize the hurting needed to be stopped on both sides. It sounds like that dialogue opened up some from all of the wonderful people here on the board and in your genuine love for each other. We hope that continues and you work through this time. As Vespertine wrote, so many times there are many other issues at the core of things.

It is awesome that you have had the courage to seek help and open up to realatively total strangers.

Best of wishes and keep us posted.

warmly, the rmrx2's

[New2theSwingSet]

Wow this is an interesting thread. I want to put my 2 cents in, since i'm a house-husband, so i have a different viewpoint. I look after the house, the kids, have the meals prepared, etc. awaiting for my wife to get home from work. I spend a good amount of time thinking about sex, always looking forward to the evening to spend with my wife. Unfortunately i never seem to get it right, i put the kids to bed and usually am prepared to hop in the sack with her before she goes to sleep. She usually has different ideas for the night. Usually consisting of working on paperwork, making important calls, or watching her fave shows, and then either falling asleep on the couch or off to bed where she is the fastest person to fall asleep i've ever known.

We've gone through times when she didnt desire anything sexual, possibly a hormone thing, or during or post pregnancy, but the whatever the reason, until it was fixed, luckily for me it's only ever temporary, the sex was non-existant. I also fell into the category of being an asshole. I had needs. But really, the lashing out remarks were always mutual. We both can battle with hurtful words. Really i think it's just a good way to vent the frustration, because we're both feeling that way, and i hear it's a good way to reduce your blood pressure.

But when the dust settled and we got over the arguing, we sat down to actually discuss what needs we had during the difficult time of sex-free living. I was upset that i couldnt have sex with her, but what i really wanted was to feel special to her still. It's not uncommon for a woman to feel this way, but men go thru it too. We both enjoy romance, and spending time together, but when it came to sexuality, it was only i that had needed it. Perhaps we could role-play we're on a gameshow and i could use a life-line and call a friend to help me with my needs. But alas, this is reality here and so we talked... about that she wanted to be near me, but the "groping" had to stop. I can handle that, but i don't want to hear that she doesnt see any signs that i want her. To those women being groped by your husbands, thats how we're letting you know we want you. If you dont like it or you are getting the message uncomfortably, you gotta let us know what will work for you. I like to think what works in the bedroom will work anywhere, but i've figured out groping isnt it. But think about it before you suggest something, for instance when my wife suggested i massage her feet instead of groping her and she'd get the hint, well, i think i just took to crawling for about a week and a half to get closer to them.

But other then her having a "problem" not wanting sex, she did want to feel close to me emotionally and i spend alot of time giving her alot of non-sex intended attention, back massages, romantic bubblebaths, cuddling on the couch. We also make sure that we hug and kiss every day before she leaves for work or when one of us goes to bed, since we often dont have the same sleep schedule. This works out well. But it doesnt address my needs entirely. But we compromised. I will give her a massage and even if i dont want to, i'll do my best to seem like i'm enjoying it. And really i do. And she could spend some time teasing me in the bedroom, or a handjob, or whatever she is comfotable with, and seem to enjoy it as well. But having sex wont become an issue. She always felt that if she was to "grope" me, that i would just want sex... well now you understand our rationale for groping as well.

So i recommend doing some sex-free activities that still involve a level of intimacy. Even if that means she teases me and i just take matters into my own hands. It was like we were teenagers again and that was kind of fun.

But... on the other hand, we went through a period of time when i wasnt interested so much in sex. It's a whole different ballgame when she feels rejected or unwanted. Talking about what really matters to each of you during this time can even make the relationship stronger.

***
We vowed to each other "To have and to hold" I didnt misinterpret that did I? To have... it does say "To have", right? we both agreed to this i'm sure. through the good times and the bad times.. whether we're rich or poor... in sickness and health... To Have... to have... sorry honey i think it's a pretty binding contract we got ourselves into. it's out of my hands now.

[KittKatt]

Hi chastityrings ,

Yes you make a good point, but really it's not that I don't have time now to do those things for myself, kid goes to school and I am just kinda STUCK, like in a rutt.....but ya' gotta remember I am only 35, 36 in December, and my oldest son will be 20 in a few days.....youngest kiddo being 4, almost 5

So yeah I have some adjusting to do with myself and my time, it's been a long road for me starting so freakin' young!!!!

But your right, at this very moment I have maroon polish over hot pink on my toes now, and most has rubbed away already, it's just gettin' myself to
" Get 'ER DONE "


thanks darlin for being understanding and non judgmental
xoxoxo C