Does anyone else have a no kissing rule?

skeghed · 02-01-2002, 04:30 PM

I have seen posts by people who laugh at the thought of a couple having a rule against kissing anyone else. Please let me just post this from our point of view and then you can comment again if you wish.

To us - kissing conveys an emotional attachment to each other. And, also, we want to reserve something that is done only between us. Don't get me wrong - kissing is EXTREMELY arousing to us both....and is an important part of foreplay for us both.

But we as a couple have decided that this is one of the things that we want to enjoy only with each other.

Also - it is kind of disconcerting to see people get laughed at or slammed for some of the rules or restrictions or feelings that they have towards swinging. It ,may be like second nature to some couples and I am really glad for you - but to others, it is sharing one of the most intimate parts of their relationships and it takes getting used to and they have some reservations and YES! problems with it. Before you hit that "post" button, some of you might want to remember that and know that if they are taking the time to a) look for sites like this (and this is the best I have found, BTW) b) read the boards and c) post their questions that they are most likely sincere in their want to overcome any problems and are looking for sincere answers, advice and stories of experiences to help them out.

Laughing at their feelings/problems could be very discouraging to them and cause them to blow off the lifestyle altogether or plunge in to a situation that they are not comfortable with because they now feel like they aren't "normal" for feeling the way they do and that they should "get over it" or blow it off.

WOW! Didn't mean to go on like that....

Sooooo....anyway....is there anyone else that has the "no-kissing" rule or any other couple that reserves something that they do just between themselves?

Flori_DAMAN · 02-01-2002, 04:53 PM

Good post. I had a problem getting over the kissing issue myself at first. I felt that some of the posts contributed on this subject were a bit insensitive also. John

skeghed · 02-01-2002, 05:17 PM

Thanks John! I am relieved to know I am not the only one that felt that way!

But really, I have seen some insensitive posts to several subjects....and there is one or two posters in particular that for some reason are extremely suspicious of anyone that has any degree of jealousy or insecurity issues....and that is a shame. But overall, I would say this is one of the most supportive and helpful bunch of people I have found.

I just hope that people will really look at what is being asked and try their best to answer THAT question without trying to dig up anything that may or may not be there. (I realize that sometimes more info is needed to answer a question - and that is not what I am talking about.)

Also - you say you used to have problems with it....what were they and how did you get over those problems? (If I may ask.) And do you have anything that you reserve just for you and your s/o?

Thanks again!

**Alura** · 02-02-2002, 06:12 AM

Well, I have to admit that my wife and I posted one of the more insensitive replys to the no kissing question. We're also aware that prostitutes are famous for never kissing their clients because it is too personal.

We love to kiss, and do not feel threatened when we see our spouse kissing someone else, so "no kissing" is not for us. If we met another couple who wanted to play with no kissing involved, we'd just say, "No, thank you."

It's alright with us if you want to live by that rule and wish you the best of luck in finding couples who agree with you.

I apologize for both of us for our insensitivity.

Husband of Alura

Flori_DAMAN · 02-02-2002, 08:11 AM

Swingers Board is a great site for those that both wish to express views or seek a deeper understanding of the lifestyle among other things. I have posted a few things that I wish I could go delete LOL. Everyone I am sure has been insensitive to some issues, including US

For me (John), the kissing issue raised concerns that I was a bit confused by. The paradox being of course; how can I so relish the sexual aspect of swinging and feel at all threatened by JUST kissing.

I knew as Alura says that it would be a difficult problem to approach by just finding people that would go along with the no kissing rule but I tried it anyhow.

It took exactly one minute into our first swinging encounter for Tammy to blow the rule to bits lmao. I decided it was the "heat of the moment" and said nothing until the next day.

Tam said something to the effect of "oh its no big deal kissing just adds to the intensity". Well ok I figured and haven't given it a thought since. Now, I actually couldn't imagine swinging without kissing. After that episode I broke a rule once and we have grown from these experiences. We now know that we must both stick to our rules anyhow and we have a higher level of communication as a result.

The kissing threat (KT) in my mind is a small hurdle that some people have to just jump over. On the surface (and in retrospect), it does indeed seem ludicrous that it would even be an issue.

I suppose it would take some sort of psychologist to thoroughly explain the contradictory emotions involved but an issue is very real if it exists in YOUR mind.

It just took a bit of pondering for me to come to the realization that kissing can just be a form of foreplay strictly involving sex as opposed to an expression of intimate feelings. Of course it also adds to the intensity and for many people sex without kissing would have a negative effect on the total enjoyment that we are in fact seeking. John

neGA_cpl · 02-02-2002, 08:37 AM

We can relate to Skeghed's rule, and we do not allow kissing in the majority of our encounter's. Kissing is a more personal and emotional act, something shared between two people who have more then a sexual relationship.
If we have an encounter with another, we keep the kissing out, along with a couple of other "actions" we feel are to be shared with only someone special. If we continue in a relationship with the others on a longer term basis, then we are more open to allowing kissing, as the relationship grows from sexual attraction to more of a friendship and companion type relationship.
As far as the "slamming" on others for there opinions or rules in the lifestyle, the only rule we have found to be solid amoung the other swingers we have met is "No Means No"...the rest of the rules is set by the couples and individuals involved in each seperate encounter, and to a level that they feel is comfortable to them respectivly.

**Alura** · 02-02-2002, 12:10 PM

Thanks, John!

You nailed it. Well written post! To us, none of the acts we do with another couple is "making love." We'd guess that's the difference we see. In fact, what we do together is very different from what we do with others, although the observer might fail to see a difference. We feel it, though.

Alura

[ 02-02-2002: Message edited by: Alura ]

LIZA · 02-04-2002, 02:43 PM

I prefer not to do a lot of kissing.
I don't make it a rule "upfront" but if a woman or man is trying to do a lot of kissing, especially big wet ones, I will switch to another act or will turn so they kiss my neck instead.
I guess it's a combination of being too intimate and also that if someone does smoke it is unpleasant to kiss them.

Sweetdevil · 02-05-2002, 09:42 AM

Help me to understand how can kissing be more inimate and emotional THAN penetration?

Diamond707 · 02-05-2002, 01:39 PM

Oh man, was it great to read your post! I too am a man that has a problem with the kissing issue. My wife and I had a threesome a few weeks back, and that was the one thing that I had a problem with. As a matter of fact, I posted a message on here regarding that issue, and boy did I catch a lot of flak for my feelings. So, it is good to know that there is one other guy that share my feelings!

kennlea · 02-08-2002, 07:14 AM

lea and i have now for the first time in ten years of swinging really discused this topic. and we decided that for us kissing is not a problem as long as it is in a sexual way ie. not just sitting around making out with someone else. as far as kissing being more intimate than penatration i think it can be in the right (or wrong) situation. for us the only thing that is off limits is anal with her, i'm the only guy who has been there and thats the way its going to stay.
ken

youngswingers · 02-08-2002, 08:08 AM

Getting a chance to kiss girls is what J got into this lifestyle for in the first place!

gbhornywife · 02-08-2002, 11:00 AM

I TOTALLY agree with Sweetdevil. Intimacy is what swinging is all about. We are becoming intimate in some shape or form with another couple / human being. Yes, kissing has its layers, but kissing is play. We kiss one another for many different reasons. There are innocent kisses and there are not-so-innocent kisses. Why can't one kiss differently when involved in play? I think kissing is also necessary to provide some sort of feedback with a playmate. It may provide honesty and a sense of trust with a playmate. How many people have you kissed (at anytime in your life) and just have KNOWN they are up to no good?

(my $.02)

Stratecpl · 02-08-2002, 04:55 PM

We kiss...kissing another man other than Ron in a swinging situation is foreplay and part of the fun. When I kiss Ron it's because I love him as well as foreplay and fun. I think it's just whether a person is able to mentallly draw that line between sex and love. I have no problem drawing that line but others can be uncomfortable with it. Each to their own I think. Ron enjoys seeing me kiss another man in threesomes..he gets very turned on by it.

Connie

CanadianCouple · 02-10-2002, 04:12 PM

J and I have never had an issue about kissing within the lifestyle. For us it's an important part of foreplay while leading up to penetration with others. Having said that, we'd never refuse to swing with anyone who won't allow kissing, much less ridicule them for it. Trying to remember NOT to kiss them in the heat of the moment, however, might take a bit of practise.

We all have our own individual pecadillos when being intimate with other couples. I've posted here before that I've had occasional feelings of mild jealousy when J and the other guy engage in platonic touching, such as touching each other's arm's during conversation to emphasis a point being made. I've also watched her locked together with the same guy in headboard-slamming intercourse, both howling like banshees. No jealousy on my part whatsoever. Funny how the mind works, eh?

Dan

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02-01-2002, 04:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
skeghed Active Member Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 18 Location: Corpus Christi, Texas	Does anyone else have a no kissing rule? I have seen posts by people who laugh at the thought of a couple having a rule against kissing anyone else. Please let me just post this from our point of view and then you can comment again if you wish. To us - kissing conveys an emotional attachment to each other. And, also, we want to reserve something that is done only between us. Don't get me wrong - kissing is EXTREMELY arousing to us both....and is an important part of foreplay for us both. But we as a couple have decided that this is one of the things that we want to enjoy only with each other. Also - it is kind of disconcerting to see people get laughed at or slammed for some of the rules or restrictions or feelings that they have towards swinging. It ,may be like second nature to some couples and I am really glad for you - but to others, it is sharing one of the most intimate parts of their relationships and it takes getting used to and they have some reservations and YES! problems with it. Before you hit that "post" button, some of you might want to remember that and know that if they are taking the time to a) look for sites like this (and this is the best I have found, BTW) b) read the boards and c) post their questions that they are most likely sincere in their want to overcome any problems and are looking for sincere answers, advice and stories of experiences to help them out. Laughing at their feelings/problems could be very discouraging to them and cause them to blow off the lifestyle altogether or plunge in to a situation that they are not comfortable with because they now feel like they aren't "normal" for feeling the way they do and that they should "get over it" or blow it off. WOW! Didn't mean to go on like that.... Sooooo....anyway....is there anyone else that has the "no-kissing" rule or any other couple that reserves something that they do just between themselves?

02-02-2002, 06:12 AM	#4 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,083 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	Well, I have to admit that my wife and I posted one of the more insensitive replys to the no kissing question. We're also aware that prostitutes are famous for never kissing their clients because it is too personal. We love to kiss, and do not feel threatened when we see our spouse kissing someone else, so "no kissing" is not for us. If we met another couple who wanted to play with no kissing involved, we'd just say, "No, thank you." It's alright with us if you want to live by that rule and wish you the best of luck in finding couples who agree with you. I apologize for both of us for our insensitivity. Husband of Alura __________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

02-02-2002, 12:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,083 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	Thanks, John! You nailed it. Well written post! To us, none of the acts we do with another couple is "making love." We'd guess that's the difference we see. In fact, what we do together is very different from what we do with others, although the observer might fail to see a difference. We feel it, though. Alura [ 02-02-2002: Message edited by: Alura ] __________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

02-08-2002, 07:14 AM	#11 (permalink)
kennlea Active Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 40 Location: Duluth,MN	lea and i have now for the first time in ten years of swinging really discused this topic. and we decided that for us kissing is not a problem as long as it is in a sexual way ie. not just sitting around making out with someone else. as far as kissing being more intimate than penatration i think it can be in the right (or wrong) situation. for us the only thing that is off limits is anal with her, i'm the only guy who has been there and thats the way its going to stay. ken __________________ hmmmmm..... Let me see.... Yeah, we can do that!

02-01-2002, 04:53 PM	#2 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	Good post. I had a problem getting over the kissing issue myself at first. I felt that some of the posts contributed on this subject were a bit insensitive also. John

02-01-2002, 05:17 PM	#3 (permalink)
skeghed Active Member Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 18 Location: Corpus Christi, Texas	Thanks John! I am relieved to know I am not the only one that felt that way! But really, I have seen some insensitive posts to several subjects....and there is one or two posters in particular that for some reason are extremely suspicious of anyone that has any degree of jealousy or insecurity issues....and that is a shame. But overall, I would say this is one of the most supportive and helpful bunch of people I have found. I just hope that people will really look at what is being asked and try their best to answer THAT question without trying to dig up anything that may or may not be there. (I realize that sometimes more info is needed to answer a question - and that is not what I am talking about.) Also - you say you used to have problems with it....what were they and how did you get over those problems? (If I may ask.) And do you have anything that you reserve just for you and your s/o? Thanks again!

02-02-2002, 08:11 AM	#5 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	Swingers Board is a great site for those that both wish to express views or seek a deeper understanding of the lifestyle among other things. I have posted a few things that I wish I could go delete LOL. Everyone I am sure has been insensitive to some issues, including US For me (John), the kissing issue raised concerns that I was a bit confused by. The paradox being of course; how can I so relish the sexual aspect of swinging and feel at all threatened by JUST kissing. I knew as Alura says that it would be a difficult problem to approach by just finding people that would go along with the no kissing rule but I tried it anyhow. It took exactly one minute into our first swinging encounter for Tammy to blow the rule to bits lmao. I decided it was the "heat of the moment" and said nothing until the next day. Tam said something to the effect of "oh its no big deal kissing just adds to the intensity". Well ok I figured and haven't given it a thought since. Now, I actually couldn't imagine swinging without kissing. After that episode I broke a rule once and we have grown from these experiences. We now know that we must both stick to our rules anyhow and we have a higher level of communication as a result. The kissing threat (KT) in my mind is a small hurdle that some people have to just jump over. On the surface (and in retrospect), it does indeed seem ludicrous that it would even be an issue. I suppose it would take some sort of psychologist to thoroughly explain the contradictory emotions involved but an issue is very real if it exists in YOUR mind. It just took a bit of pondering for me to come to the realization that kissing can just be a form of foreplay strictly involving sex as opposed to an expression of intimate feelings. Of course it also adds to the intensity and for many people sex without kissing would have a negative effect on the total enjoyment that we are in fact seeking. John

02-02-2002, 08:37 AM	#6 (permalink)
neGA_cpl Registered Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 7 Location: north east GA	We can relate to Skeghed's rule, and we do not allow kissing in the majority of our encounter's. Kissing is a more personal and emotional act, something shared between two people who have more then a sexual relationship. If we have an encounter with another, we keep the kissing out, along with a couple of other "actions" we feel are to be shared with only someone special. If we continue in a relationship with the others on a longer term basis, then we are more open to allowing kissing, as the relationship grows from sexual attraction to more of a friendship and companion type relationship. As far as the "slamming" on others for there opinions or rules in the lifestyle, the only rule we have found to be solid amoung the other swingers we have met is "No Means No"...the rest of the rules is set by the couples and individuals involved in each seperate encounter, and to a level that they feel is comfortable to them respectivly.

02-04-2002, 02:43 PM	#8 (permalink)
LIZA Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 426 Location: ORANGE COUNTY, CA Status: Married Fem.	I prefer not to do a lot of kissing. I don't make it a rule "upfront" but if a woman or man is trying to do a lot of kissing, especially big wet ones, I will switch to another act or will turn so they kiss my neck instead. I guess it's a combination of being too intimate and also that if someone does smoke it is unpleasant to kiss them.

02-05-2002, 09:42 AM	#9 (permalink)
Sweetdevil Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 132 Location: Clinton Twp., MI Status: Couple	Help me to understand how can kissing be more inimate and emotional THAN penetration?

02-05-2002, 01:39 PM	#10 (permalink)
Diamond707 Registered Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7 Location: South Carolina	Oh man, was it great to read your post! I too am a man that has a problem with the kissing issue. My wife and I had a threesome a few weeks back, and that was the one thing that I had a problem with. As a matter of fact, I posted a message on here regarding that issue, and boy did I catch a lot of flak for my feelings. So, it is good to know that there is one other guy that share my feelings!

02-08-2002, 08:08 AM	#12 (permalink)
youngswingers Here to Stay Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 98 Location: Austin, TX	Getting a chance to kiss girls is what J got into this lifestyle for in the first place!

02-08-2002, 11:00 AM	#13 (permalink)
gbhornywife Registered Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 3 Location: Green Bay, Wisconsin	I TOTALLY agree with Sweetdevil. Intimacy is what swinging is all about. We are becoming intimate in some shape or form with another couple / human being. Yes, kissing has its layers, but kissing is play. We kiss one another for many different reasons. There are innocent kisses and there are not-so-innocent kisses. Why can't one kiss differently when involved in play? I think kissing is also necessary to provide some sort of feedback with a playmate. It may provide honesty and a sense of trust with a playmate. How many people have you kissed (at anytime in your life) and just have KNOWN they are up to no good? (my $.02)

02-08-2002, 04:55 PM	#14 (permalink)
Stratecpl Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2000 Posts: 456 Location: TN, USA	We kiss...kissing another man other than Ron in a swinging situation is foreplay and part of the fun. When I kiss Ron it's because I love him as well as foreplay and fun. I think it's just whether a person is able to mentallly draw that line between sex and love. I have no problem drawing that line but others can be uncomfortable with it. Each to their own I think. Ron enjoys seeing me kiss another man in threesomes..he gets very turned on by it. Connie __________________ "Well behaved women rarely make history"

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02-10-2002, 04:12 PM	#15 (permalink)
CanadianCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 1,139 Location: New Brunswick, Canada Status: Married Couple	J and I have never had an issue about kissing within the lifestyle. For us it's an important part of foreplay while leading up to penetration with others. Having said that, we'd never refuse to swing with anyone who won't allow kissing, much less ridicule them for it. Trying to remember NOT to kiss them in the heat of the moment, however, might take a bit of practise. We all have our own individual pecadillos when being intimate with other couples. I've posted here before that I've had occasional feelings of mild jealousy when J and the other guy engage in platonic touching, such as touching each other's arm's during conversation to emphasis a point being made. I've also watched her locked together with the same guy in headboard-slamming intercourse, both howling like banshees. No jealousy on my part whatsoever. Funny how the mind works, eh? Dan

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