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carebear

No Kissing

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Hey all!

Back when hubs and I started dating, I confessed discomfort with kissing due to negative childhood experiences. Being a kind and considerate man, dh made a stupendous effort and really dialed it back. I'm talking about passionate kissing here, with tongue.

 

Fast forward 10 years.

 

We are a couple of months into our swinging experience. This last Sunday, he confesses to me that it really bothers him to see other men kiss me. Hello kisses don't bother him, but passionate kisses do.

We discussed it in great length. What it boils down to (I think) is that for the last 10 years he's been so very careful and really denied himself an enjoyable, and for him, necessary aspect of sex and lovemaking. And then here come these men, who kiss me with no consideration at all. And I kissed them back. He said it caused a physical reaction, almost a kick to the gut feeling.

 

After a lot of talking, I told him that the last 10 years of loving have trumped those early experiences. That thanks to his understanding and care I do believe I can enjoy passionate kissing. Not only enjoy it, but have it be pleasurable. With him at any rate, as I honestly didn't find most of my play partners kisses to be so.

 

But in the meantime, I don't mind a no kissing rule for me. He feels bad that he gets to kiss and I don't, but I don't even see that as an issue. I'm hoping with time and effort, :kissface: the kick in the gut feeling will ease.

 

I know a no kissing rule is a no go for a lot of people, but I'm cool with that too. My first (and favorite!) play partner was fine with that, as it was my 'rule' when we started. Like many rules, it got dropped right away lol!

 

 

I really hope my assessment of the problem is truly what's going on. I would appreciate any insight!

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We had that rule.. it was a tough on for us to follow. I remember one night I was on the bed and my wife was between my legs while I was leaning back she was sucking on something. A woman leaned over me and put her nipple in my mouth and then her husband started with doggie on her. while I was watching it from below.. then my wife left me to do something else, another woman started sucking on me then the woman on top of me started kissing me with all her passion while she was getting it doggie from another guy... I just kissed back.. I could not help it... after watching my wife slip and get the big kisses a few times. We kinda let the rule go.. I can remember that night like it was yesterday... ahhh....

Great question.

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We're definitely a "no no-kissing couples ever" duo, but it's only partly because we're weirded out by the thought that kissing is too intimate, but sex is not. Another large part of the issue is that I believe couples with the rule are often masking an underlying problem and I'd just rather not be a part of that. In this case, I think it's definitely a marker rather than the real issue, which you've stated quite clearly up above, although you haven't drawn the obvious conclusion.

 

Your husband loves kissing and out of consideration, he didn't kiss you (at all or much). You started swinging and you didn't ask anything like that same consideration from playmates, completely diminishing both the value of his sacrifice and his very real specialness. That's just the obvious surface; there's probably more there. You can forego kissing others forever, but it's probably not going to address the actual problems.

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We, on the other hand, are definitely a kissing couple.

 

We have always said that sex with another couple without kissing is like getting a shower with your socks on (just to use an older comparison to what we have heard to having sex using a condom). And when we refer to kissing, we mean deep passionate tongue kissing.

 

Just can"t imagine having sex with someone without kissing. Just would not do it for us......not at all.

 

And luckily, we have not interacted with another couple that have a problem with it.

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I think if it works for you, then go with it. Swinging is unconventional and often the boundaries that work for one couple may not work for others. We are kissers and can't imagine swinging without it... my favorite playmate, his wife is not at all into kissing (not even her husband), lucky for me she shares because he is an incredible kisser. If not for their differences, I could be missing out an a tremendous friendship.

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When we first started swinging we had a no Kissing rule...that didn't work, we both broke it on the first couple, kissing is just part of sex....

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When we first started swinging we had a no Kissing rule...that didn't work, we both broke it on the first couple, kissing is just part of sex....

Yep, went out the window after the first play session, for both couples!:lol:

 

To echo, we are definitely a kissing couple, love it. However, we have never had the slightest reservation about playing with a couple that had that rule. No problem, just point me to the area of your body that I can put my mouth on. :facelick:

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In my experience, I'd say while we ARE a kissing couple, I think the entire question is difficult for many reasons. I've seen my wife do a lot of things with a lot of guys, and I think, for what it's worth, that the most difficult thing for me, when anything IS difficult, is to see her passionately kissing another man. I think this may be because of my socialization, in that we were brought up to see displays of passionate kissing on TV and in the movies to represent "true love". It's what Gary Van Warmerdam refers to as a "core belief" or "core contract" that we've made with ourselves about how the world works. Our mind sees passionate kissing and reads "in love and wants him" almost automagically. She doesn't feel that way, but the observing SO's mind creates the "lie" out of what experience it has. That said, I think it is very difficult to have a fulfilling, whole sexual experience with a partner without kissing. It's very difficult to remember that you can't, when you can't!

 

I think the intimacy is PERCEIVED in kissing because of our core beliefs, but is ACTUAL in penetration because of the nature of the activity.

 

Just my opinion, but.....there it is.

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We kiss. It is just part of sex. We avoid non-kissers, out of respect for them. It is just rule that is too easy to break in the heat of the moment I do no t want to be thinking about remembering to not to kiss the woman.

 

But as you said, years later it is not an issue. Perhaps you can take the path of randomly giving you husband very passionate kisses out of the blue. Once he becomes more accustomed to receiving them from you it will bother him less seeing others do it. Not to mention it is a hell of a lot of fun kissing my wife like that. She always has a great response to it. :)

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Last night we played as a threesome (my favorite) with a guy we've played with previously and like a lot. The passionate kissing was reserved for dh, but there were a few friendly pecks between me and the other guy. DH said he was totally ok with that, with that person in particular. It was more encouragement kisses than anything else, if that makes sense.

 

I think at this time we will take it on a case by case basis, and dh knows that I have no problem not kissing. The passionate stuff is his and his alone. In many ways it's harder to kiss someone else like that than have sex with them.

 

And strangely, although I get "P-Brain" (see help with clear thought thread) I have no trouble turning my head and offering my neck or other body part if someone forgets and goes in for a kiss. Kisses must be on a different playing field than touch is, for me.

 

At any rate, no matter where this takes us, I am enjoying the journey. :)

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I don't really think that a "no kissing" rule is going to be your answer here. By going that route you are avoiding the issue. You DO need to make sure that he is enjoying you kissing him passionately (and vice versa) so that he can physically and emotionally feel that things are changed. It will take a while for it to really sink into him that you are ok with it and that it's not damaging you.

 

As for the swinging side of things, I don't know that you have to put it out there as a rule, but perhaps just avoid it. If you don't want to kiss someone it's fairly easy to find ways to avoid it and do other things, but at the same time seeing you avoiding it may just promote his existing feeling/belief that it's not something you enjoy and therefore make him feel like you aren't enjoying it with him either.

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