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  1. #1
    Here to Stay fun_couple's Avatar
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    Question Enjoy the fantasy but problems with actually SEEING my husband with another woman

    Hello, I am new to the board, I have been reading (wow lots to read) since we booked our first trip to Desire (next month)
    Anyway, I have a couple of questions that hopefully some of you can help me out with. First off... we are happily married & secure in our relationship for 10 years now, we have been in the Lifestyle (off and on, on right now) for the past 8 years. My major problem, is watching my hubby having intercourse with the other females, I really want to enjoy this sooo bad, but have a hard time eccepting it as its happening... I love our sex afterwards when we are alone, & I fantise about it later (its a major turn on) But just difficult at the time. We always swing with other couples, so I am having my fun too! But I always seem to end up with another man that either gets stage fright or just can't last past the oral... My hubby on the other hand, can last forever.... his problem is actually that fact that he has a hard time ejaculating. We have had an experience one time were he just seemed to go on for along time , while myself & the other male where finished... I think it just got to be too much for me. (Since then I have found my comfort level much worst.)
    One more!.... Is it unusual for me to expect him to hold off & only have his orgasm with me? Is there anyone else that has these feelings? I want more then anything to get over this bump in the road, & enjoy this whole experience to the fullest.

    Did you go through times, but had to grin & bare it so to speak.. And keep trying until swinging became better?

    *****Sorry, I know I said I only had a couple of questions.****
    HELP

  2. #2
    Mr&Mrs-naughty
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    Default Mr here

    I suppose a ladies point of veiw here would be better.

    But one thing I noticed in your post is you like thinking about it before and after he has sex with another woman it is while it is actualy happenning you have a problem with.

    Sounds like it may be a bit to much reality for you.

    When just thinking about it it is a fantasy wether it was actualy reality at one time or not.

    Sometimes reality can be very powerful and overcome the fact that you are enjoying one of your fantasies.

    Did that make sense??

    How does the hubby feel about the situation??

    As far as reaching orgasm at the same time as your SO while you are both with someone else is never bad. But it doesnt have to be that way.

    I do not have a problem with not being able to cum but I do not shoot right out of the gate either.
    Maybe someone else can chime in here but I thought I have heard of a sensitivity cream for a man. Maybe that would help?

  3. #3
    Swingers Board Addict cpl4playmass's Avatar
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    Discuss your boundries again and add or subtract as you see fit. If him going longer is an issue, talk with him about it and see if there is a middle ground for the two of you to agree and be ok with. Perhaps him being with the other woman until she comes and then finishing with you later might work. Or maybe you can take a stroll while they finish. Whatever the solution is it has to work for both of you.

    We have stopped doing things sometimes so we can figure out what works for both of us. Remember it is about fun!!
    Life is good, but We're Awesome !!!

  4. #4
    Here to Stay fun_couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: Mr here

    Originally posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty
    I suppose a ladies point of veiw here would be better.

    But one thing I noticed in your post is you like thinking about it before and after he has sex with another woman it is while it is actualy happenning you have a problem with.

    Sounds like it may be a bit to much reality for you.

    When just thinking about it it is a fantasy wether it was actualy reality at one time or not.

    Sometimes reality can be very powerful and overcome the fact that you are enjoying one of your fantasies.

    Did that make sense??

    How does the hubby feel about the situation??


    As far as reaching orgasm at the same time as your SO while you are both with someone else is never bad. But it doesnt have to be that way.


    I do not have a problem with not being able to cum but I do not shoot right out of the gate either.
    Maybe someone else can chime in here but I thought I have heard of a sensitivity cream for a man. Maybe that would help? .
    *****Hubby is totally comfortable, and just wants me to have as good of time as him. It's tough for me to watch but I wondered if its something that will get better with time.. Is it normal?

    *****I know that its not always possible for everyone to reach orgasm at the same time, (although in my eyes it would be the ultimate experience) But we did have a situation once when hubby had just alittle too much to drink & his play with actual intercourse with the other woman went on for a very very long tome longer... that was very hard for me to watch.



    *****His problem is mostly because he finds it hard to relax in fear of how I may be feeling. I told him I don't mind the swapping, , that I can deal with, it just seems the length of time he's with the other female seems to be the issue

  5. #5
    Here to Stay fun_couple's Avatar
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    Default Is it possible to get past this? & how did you?

    I guess basically what I am saying is... I do find swapping difficult (hubby dosn't) But I want to get past it, Its something that I really want to enjoy without flipping out in the middle of the evening or going home in tears either , or wanting to freak out & divorce my spouse.


    Have any other wives had a hard time initially with swinging?
    Did you find it got easier the more you tried? Was it easier with a couple you knew you would never have to see or talk to again (I ask this because we are going to Desire next month and I want to enjoy it to the fullest)
    Or was it easier with a couple you formed a bond of friendship with?HELP lol

    And finally.... what tricks did you use to help get over this???

  6. #6
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    Wink This is one of the difficulties about same room ...

    I think this kind of difficulty is one of the contributing factors to a couple deciding that separate rooms are better for them.

    It is rare indeed for all to be on precisely the same schedule as far as the activity. And it becomes awkward for all when one couple is essentially "done" and the other is still going at it full tilt.

    If the earlier activity is not a problem for you visually, you may want to consider having the early fun all together but when it comes to the intercourse portion - splitting up and going to separate rooms.

    This would keep the performance pressure from affecting him and perhaps slowing his completion down. And remove you from the viewing of it since this is what seems to make you feel less than pleased with the evening as such.

    You and the other fella might spend some time cuddling and chatting and maybe even giggling a bit - - certainly something that can't comfortably be done when the other couple is right there going at it.

    The time thus spent might even lead into a 'round 2' with the other fella, and increase the enjoyment you have gotten from the encounter.

    It certainly seems as if the 'clock watching' aspect is interferring with the overall pleasure you are able to derive from the evening so anything you can do to remove that aspect has got to help. You may want to make a time limit for the separate activity to keep that from occurring - like, say an hour - which allows for some 'afterglow' time to be spent. But have the understanding that once an hour has passed, it's time to regroup [just to keep things happy for you].

    It may be that after a little time with all together, you will want to split back off with your own mate. Or that can certainly be done with all in the same room, as well.

    I realize what I'm suggesting can't be done if you've rented one room together. But it just may be that the one room situation isn't what ultimately works best for you two so it's best to view the other options.

  7. #7
    Has Left the Building yawanna's Avatar
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    And finally.... what tricks did you use to help get over this???
    I don't believe there are any 'tricks' you could utilize. It feels okay and it's tons of fun and totally enjoyable, or it isn't. It may be fears or insecurities stemming from other areas of your relationship (NOT casting aspirtions here! (sp) (a real word)?)

    Someone earlier, or elsewhere, posted about 'gut instinct' and I have to agree with that. It doesn't need to be validated or explained..if your gut says 'I don't like this' you can't do much about that moment or the reality.

    One Sunday early on in our relationship, my husband and I were invited to a private house party. We hadn't done anything together as 'swingers' yet, but we agreed to go see. To our delight.. neither of us had any issues or concerns with what went down (or in, or around ). We knew then we could do this and be together.

    The times that I've had doubts or fears or bad experiences was due ENTIRELY to the relationship I had with the man at the time. No relationship...just play partners...no problem. Mr Yawanna is the first and only man I can do this with and go home with.

    I don't mean to sound trite at all. I want to say that any bad feelings or fears stem from a place outside of intramarital sexual relations, unless it's purely and only bad behaviour from the couple you're meeting.. and then that is fairly clear where the discrepancy lies. You and your husband could sort that out and see where the trouble comes from fairly quickly.

    I believe you two have done nothing wrong, and it's a fairly well known fact that getting into 'swinging' can also bring to the forefront any difficulties or concerns in your primary relationship. There is never anything wrong with stopping and taking a closer look at yourselves because of that.

    As many have said.. this can bring a couple closer together. It can also tear them apart if you don't take care for each other and your marriage first.

    I truly hope you get past this and closer to each other
    Last edited by yawanna; 04-07-2004 at 02:22 PM.

  8. #8
    Has Left the Building yawanna's Avatar
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    Default hey!!

    Today's special... 2 for 1 postings!!

    wrnakedru

  9. #9
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    Default Re: hey!!

    Originally posted by yawanna Today's special... 2 for 1 postings!!
    wrnakedru
    That's always a bit of a start - finishing a post, but you're not the last poster according to the system. What's the saying about great minds?

    yawanna

  10. #10
    Swingers Board Addict MrsBliss's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it possible to get past this? & how did you?

    Originally posted by fun_couple
    I guess basically what I am saying is... I do find swapping difficult (hubby dosn't) But I want to get past it, Its something that I really want to enjoy without flipping out in the middle of the evening or going home in tears either , or wanting to freak out & divorce my spouse.


    Have any other wives had a hard time initially with swinging?
    Did you find it got easier the more you tried? Was it easier with a couple you knew you would never have to see or talk to again (I ask this because we are going to Desire next month and I want to enjoy it to the fullest)
    Or was it easier with a couple you formed a bond of friendship with?HELP lol

    And finally.... what tricks did you use to help get over this???
    To me it sounds like you have started swinging to early. Like you are doing it because your husband thinks it is so much fun. Maybe I am wrong, but you are saying that you find it difficult and hard to deal with at some points, while it should be just a joy in my opinion.

    We did not start swinging yet so I do not know how I will react outside my fantasies but the way I think about it now is that I have to fully enjoy it or otherwise I will stop immediately.
    Today love eachother more than yesterday but less than tomorrow

  11. #11
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    My first thought is that you are too engrossed in what your hubby is doing to allow yourself to enjoy what you are doing. And the guy you are with ends up sensing that and therefore never really getting anywhere. If he doesn't feel like he's doing anything for you then he's not likely to move beyond what he is doing.

    I had a similiar problem with my ex-husband. He would get so engrossed in watching me with another guy that the other female would usually feel completely ignored... and try as she might the chances of her getting him up were slim.

    Have you guys considered seperate rooms? I'm just thinking that might help alleviate the problems of being sidetracked by what he is up to. You would still be able to get together afterwards and share the details and have the great sex.

    Or maybe the reason your sex with him is so great afterwards is because each bad encounter with someone else reminds you of what a great lover he is.
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  12. #12
    Here to Stay fun_couple's Avatar
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    Julie,

    My first thought is that you are too engrossed in what your hubby is doing to allow yourself to enjoy what you are doing. And the guy you are with ends up sensing that and therefore never really getting anywhere. If he doesn't feel like he's doing anything for you then he's not likely to move beyond what he is doing.



    *****Yes, I am definatly side tracked, you may have a point there, But I am quite sure nobody else besides my hubby is aware of it. As far as being in seperate rooms, That is not an option, the whole reason for doing this is to enjoy being with other couples, as well as watching each other with others... I think the fear of the unknown in that other room, would probobally be worst for me..... & this is something we wanted to do as a couple together....

    *****As far as the sex being great afterwards, yes it may be that I appretiate the fact that he is a good lover, (we have had years of practice as a couple) But he also agree's that after being with another couple we both feel some extra closeness that just wasn't there as strongly before hand. "he brought this up to me the first time.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Am I normal to be having these feelings?

    Quote Originally Posted by fun_couple
    But I always seem to end up with another man that either gets stage fright or just can't last past the oral... My hubby on the other hand, can last forever.... his problem is actually that fact that he has a hard time ejaculating. We have had an experience one time were he just seemed to go on for along time , while myself & the other male where finished... I think it just got to be too much for me. (Since then I have found my comfort level much worst.)
    I think it's very normal to have these feelings. You may need to explain gently to your hubby that, while it might be fun to resuscitate the other husband once, again and again starts to feel like work ... not play. And sitting around twiddling your thumbs isn't all that fun either. Especially when you are listening to the other wife have multiple orgasms, and you haven't had even one.

    We would suggest you and your hubby institute a code phrase that means, "Hey honey, I'm done over here ... come back to me." Then even if your hubby is momentarily distracted, he will hear that and know for sure you are wanting to swap back.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Am I normal to be having these feelings?

    Quote Originally Posted by fun_couple
    My major problem, is watching my hubby having intercourse with the other females, I really want to enjoy this sooo bad, but have a hard time eccepting it as its happening...
    When Mrs. Pairbond and I first started swinging, we used separate rooms, because the couple we started with liked it that way. Then we went to a couple of parties, and found it really disturbed BOTH of us to see each other in sexual activity with others. Our stomachs just knotted up with anxiety.

    Our solution was to NOT be in the same room to see each other. When we would get home we would tell each other what happened and get ourselves so turned on we had wild sex for the next week, but we still couldn't bear to see each other having sex with someone else.

    As we gained experience and learned that neither of us was going to "fall in love" with a playmate, and neither of us was going to like sex with someone else better than with each other, our anxieties went away. After something between 6 months and a year of twice-a-month swinging, we actually wanted to see each other "in action," and found out this time that we really got aroused seeing each other with someone else.

    So maybe time will be the solution to your concern, and in the meantime, take the advice of a previous post and use separate rooms. We still do that a lot, just because we like to focus on our partner without being distracted by our spouses in the same room. We use separate rooms, and whoever finishes first yells "we're going downstairs" as they head down to the kitchen to put on the coffee and get out the dessert. Works for us! Hope it will for you, too.

    pairbond
    Last edited by BradAndJanet; 05-18-2004 at 08:52 PM. Reason: Fixed quote tag

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