Don't want to lose her or be jealous

[SandJ]

Hi all. I have just registered and just would like some advice.

We have been married for 10 years and my wife and I have recently discussed the possibility of sleeping with other couples.
At first I was blown away and very excited, but as we have discussed the subject further, I find that I am increasingly more anxious about it. I know my wife loves me and will never leave me or our family (we have children), but I am concerned about how our relationship will be affected. Part of it may be my own selfishness. My wife has never been with anyone but me.
She has said the thought of me kissing and having sex with another woman does not bother or threaten her. I am wondering why I cannot feel the same way about her and another man. Would couple swapping help me alleviate this? If we do decide to sleep with other couples, should we go to separate rooms or sleep together? Should we take it slow and what does 'slow' mean in this lifestyle? Should I first ask for her to bring another woman to our bed (she is bifem)?

Before my wife, the woman I lived with for 3 years cheated on me behind my back several times. My gut tells me that this is why I am having this hang up.

I want my wife to experience everything in life she desires. I need a way of putting this fear behind me and moving forward without the pain. Part of me thinks that I should just go with it and maybe I will feel differently after the fact. I just don't want to risk losing her or becoming overcome with feelings of jealousy.

Anybody else experience this feeling? Anyone have any advice?

[b_and_sc]

Have you told your wife your self-concerns? If not, I suggest you do immediatly and then continue to talk about it for some time BEFORE you bring any others into your bed. Swinging is only for those who are secure in their relationships

As for going slow...there are many ways. Soft swing is where the couples mix it up for just for kissing, petting, etc NO sex and then maybe move on to just oral sex. Sometimes the women just 'put on a show together' and then they each go to their own man.

I can tell that you love your wife very much by your choices in words; be open and honest with her about your reservations. Some couples save kissing, etc for just between them and do not share with their swing partners...YOU two make up the rules for YOUR marriage, there are no written rules to the practical application of swinging

[leftcoastcouple]

First off, welcome to the board, SandJ. You've come to the right place with your concerns and questions, because, as you'll learn, there is not only a wealth of information here based on users' personal experiences, but a lot of nice people as well, ready and willing to help.

As I see it, you're basically asking about two areas--whether others feel as you do, and how to deal with it.

While my wife and I are not actively swinging at the moment--but seriously considering it--we've had experiences in the past, and I had many of the feelings and concerns you've expressed.

When we met, my wife, like yours, had never slept with anyone else. Partly for that reason, I actively encouraged her to sleep with another man, figuring that, besides being fun, it would open her up sexually, prevent her from regretting that she'd not experimented prior to our marriage, etc.

What I wasn't prepared for was just how much she enjoyed it. The first time was a marathon session, going all night and into the next day. The next time was briefer, but still wild. After that, there was a clandestine encounter--something I'd OK'ed ahead of time, but which still threatened me a bit when I found out about it. And finally, there was a night that was completely over the top involving me, the guy she'd been sleeping with, and another friend of ours. Seeing my virginal little wife spread out on the floor with two guys other than me mauling her...well, it was more than eye-opening.

But by that point, I'd worked through any insecurities I had, and I thoroughly enjoyed the night for what it was--an opportunity to see my wife letting go and experiencing her sexuality to its fullest. The guys were friends, yes, but for that night, they were just sex partners, and I had no fear that my wife would pack up her bags and leave me afterwards, even if--pity the thought--either or both of the guys pleased her sexually better than I could. That's because we had a foundation of love and trust going in, and we knew that what happened was "just sex."

If you have concerns about your wife leaving you--which are understandable given the experience with your previous partner--this probably isn't the right time to swing, IMHO. And I think others would agree with me. Because even though your generosity in wanting for your wife "everything in life she desires," you need to think of yourself and the two of you as a couple, too. As you point out yourself, you "need a way of putting this fear behind," or else you're unlikely to enjoy the experience. And if you're already expressing pain, it seems likely that plowing ahead and leaving things to chance as they stand now could very well cause problems in your relationship, whether short-term of long.

You sound sincere in wanting to let your wife explore her sexuality. If you're serious, do what I did way back when and do some real soul-searching. Sort out your fears, work through them if possible, and if, when you're done, you still feel willing and confident, talk it all through with your wife (lots and lots of threads about that here, too), and then proceed, with ground rules, etc., in place.

If it turns it's not meant to happen, don't force it, because you don't want to risk your relationship. But if at some point you come to an understanding, both personally and as a couple, and go forward, you're in for a lot of fun. Best of luck to both of you.

My $3.57.

[a_couple_in_pa]

What you need to do is talk together about it. Then talk some more, and if necessary talk more. If you're still not sure, then you should talk more about it. Oh did I mention, you should really talk a lot about it?
The point I'm making is that the best way to have success in the lifestyle is lots of open communication. And know that your partner will not critisize you for anything you bring up in conversation. We did a lot of talking before we got into this. It actually became very erotic knowing we could talk to each other so openly! We have more trust than we ever did.

I am wondering why I cannot feel the same way about her and another man. Would couple swapping help me alleviate this?

Only for you to decide. It could make it worse. Talk about it.

If we do decide to sleep with other couples, should we go to separate rooms or sleep together?

Only for you to decide. I would recommend against it. Remember, people are usually more afraid of the unknown than the known! You won't know what's going in without you. (Especially if you may have jelously problems.) We only play as a couple because this is about us together. We have no interest in being apart.

Should we take it slow and what does 'slow' mean in this lifestyle?

Only for you to decide. But why not take it slow? Much less to go wrong. Unless you plan on dieing soon, you have the rest of your life to enjoy it. Take it as slow as you're comfortable with. The lifestyle does not dictate what slow means.

Should I first ask for her to bring another woman to our bed (she is bifem)?

Only for you to decide.

Part of me thinks that I should just go with it and maybe I will feel differently after the fact.

Don't. Be sure before you jump blindly. There are other things in life more important (ie marriage).

By the way.. don't forget to talk about it.

[MrsBliss]

We did not start swinging yet either but are talking about it (and talking and talking and talking). This board is very helpful. A lot of the subjects I have read here were not discussed before. Every topic that I find interesting I send to my husband so he can read it and then we talk it through.

Helps a lot!

I think your uncertainty says enough, you should not start now, but take your time to discuss every subject together with your wife.

I know I am looking forward to trying but I already have a lot of fun just talking with my husband about it.

Kiss!

I can understand your concerns , fear of the unknown is HUGE!!!

Slow in this lifestyle is as fast as the slowest person. If anyone pushes they are not right for you anyway.


The way mrs naughty and I started out was with soft MFM which meant lots of foreplay but only intercourse with me.

But what I found was I LOVED watching her with another man.

The way I look at it is like this:

mrs naughty likes having sex with other men. I know this because whenever it would come up in bedroom talk she would come to an orgasim almost instantly. At that point it was still fantasy but to see her so turned on just by the talk of it how great would it be if she could actualy experience it. Once we got to the point where she did to get experience another man she thought it was GREAT and so did I!! I know she loves me with all her heart and I am secure enough now in my manhood and our relationship to share this wonderful experience with her. Sex with another man brings her pleasure and I do not see anything wrong with that. Plus I believe it makes her feel better about herself. its kind of a confidence booster. I tell her all the time how hot she is but hearing it from another man makes it all the more better.

We have been married for 10 years and have been together 12. I have to admit that if we were earlier in our relationship (say early 20s) I would not have been confident enough in myself to let her be with another man.As a matter of fact if I knew the thought of being with someone else other than me turned her on I would probably would not have taken it well. But as we grew a little older and wiser together it just seemed like a natural course for our relationship to take.

Same room or different:

I geuss that depends on each couple.

Another thing that relly turns Mrs naughty on is being watched while she has sex. And it just so happens that I like to watch. So same room really works well for us. Plus this lifestyle is something we do together. It is an experience we both share at the same time. If we are in different rooms then we are not sharing in our experience. So for us it is same room always!!



As far as the effect on our relationship:

It couldnt be more posotive!!!!

We have taken our openess to a level I never new existed.

It is amazing how open you can be with one another when the fear of jealousy from within your relationship is removed.

Good luck and I hope you find the same amount of satisfaction out of this lifestyle as we have.

[RMRx2]

I want my wife to experience everything in life she desires. I need a way of putting this fear behind me and moving forward without the pain. Part of me thinks that I should just go with it and maybe I will feel differently after the fact. I just don't want to risk losing her or becoming overcome with feelings of jealousy.

SandJ,

sure, I think you will find it rare that these concerns have not come up.

the lifestyle is NOT for everyone

there are many threads that go into this and my advice would be to search through them

I qouted you above, because I think this kinda sums it up. I applaud you for doing some research and coming to the board. I hope that you will hang around and continue the research.

For us, the research and communication that has come from our discussion of mulitple partners joining in with us has been the biggest reward. I often say, play or not, it is good subject matter in a relationship. Think about it, married this long and discussing these things this deeply now, that's great.

all of your fears have warrant, and merit. even if no one else on the planet felt the way you do, it wouldn't matter. everyone has a right to feel as they do. talk talk talk those things out with your wife and if nothing else, you will discuss things you never thought possible. That alone has brought us closer.

As for what we have found, the discussion has brought us closer and strengthen our faith and trust in each other. we have found that we enjoy bringing sharing sex with others and seeing each other derive pleasure,,,,,,and in being able to share in that makes us both feel like the luckiest people on the planet that we have each other.

hope this helps, and hope to see you on the board for awhile

rmrx2

[roggiesgirl]

All I can say is listen to the advice above. You should let her know all of your concerns. Both of you need to be in this 100% in order for it to work and bring both of you pleasure. You don't want to sit in the corner watching her have the time of her life, while you are eaten alive by your concerns and doubts. In my opinion, you should never go into something hoping the experience will help you over your fears and anxieties about it. Talk with your wife. You are so in love with her by the sounds of it and this whole experience, whether you go thru with it or not, will bring you closer together. Good luck and keep coming back here, my husband and I are finding the info here invaluable to our swinging education!

[SandJ]

Wow. Thanks for the warm welcome. All I can say in thank you for your replies. You don't know how good it feels to talk about this. From your suggestions, I don't think we (or I) are ready at this particular time.

However, I will keep the dialog on this subject open between us and direct her to this forum. I am going to start trying to visualize her with another man and hopefully that will loosen me up. Another piece of advice I have gleaned is that I definitely do NOT want separate rooms. If we move forward, I want us to share this together.

Again, thanks for you understanding and not flaming me.

I will see you around.

Post here anytime you want.

No matter how silly you think your question is it will be answered honestly here. We have all had similar question when first starting out and there is always more questions to ask.

[MrYaWanna]

Ditto to all the advice previously posted!!

While reading the thread it I thought of another thing you might want to try when you are ready. Go out to a swing club. Don't plan on swinging, just flirt and have fun. You'll get a sense of how you'll feel when you see each other dancing and flirting with others. No harm, no foul.

Have fun, and oh yes, talk!!!

[texaschick]

Hello....My sweet husband started this thread and we have been talking alot about this as a result. Thanks to all of you for being so open and honest..and taking time to help both of us through these exciting/anxious feelings.

We have been very honest and plan on being that way in the future. I can only see us growing as a result of simply discussing this lifestyle.

(by the way, my avatar is boring, I need a sexy one!)

Thanks again

[MrsBliss]

Welcome to you too!!

Nice to hear that you already discussed a lot. Your marriage is more important than starting this lifestyle fast.

Hope you will enjoy this board as much as I do!

Kiss!

[Paul&Audrey]

Originally posted by texaschick
(by the way, my avatar is boring, I need a sexy one!)
[/B]

I don't believe anyones avatar is boring, considering that Baremama & I can't even have one due to the fact we are on the po' man's puter, WEBTV....

Now, back to subject. Baremama & I dabble in soft-swing occasionally instead of our normal FFM soft-swing. She really gets off watching another woman and myself...well, to put it bluntly....fuck ourselves silly. As far as our soft-swing adventures go, they have been pretty much...oh how do i put this gently(?)...generic. We trade off to:
!. flirt
2. kiss
3. suck

Then, once that is over, we:
1. trade back to our own partner
2. what else is there to do?

We are almost to the point that if we dont find another couple that can somehow rock our world, we are nearly to the point of leaving the lifestyle altogether....
We can find Bifems now on our own without the help of lifestyle friends...

Baremama & ~~bare~~

[tazzie_n_truck]

The best thing you can do is talk about it, keep the communication open about it. A little piece of info that we can give you is don't get into it unless you both want to. Another thing we can say is take your time, like you said, right now your not ready, but just talk about it, maybe somewhere down the road you may want to give it a try. We have found we have gotten some great advice here since we joined.

Good Luck to the 2 of you and even if you decide not to get into the lifestyle, there are alot of good people in the lifestyle who can be just good friends with nothing expected in return. We have some friends like that that we met originally with the idea of swinging with them, but we ended up feeling more comfortable just as friends.

Once again, good luck

Welcome