bi-curious but can't handle the idea of him with another woman

[Indianacuple]

I have found myself in a situation that I don't know what to do about. I have been with the same man for 3 years now. He is 10 years older then me but age hasn't been a problem. We have a good relationship in all aspecks. He knows that I would like to be with another woman and he also has the fantasy of seeing me with another woman. Here's the problem.....he would not be happy just watching. Until this came up I thought that I was a very secure person, I have never had any problems with jealousy. I just don't think that I could handle watching him with another woman. I know that would just be sex and nothing compared to what we share, but I can't help but feel that it's something that I might not be able to deal with. This is something that I want to deal with because until I do I will be cheating myself out of a chance to fulfill my own fantasy. I would appreciate any advice that anyone has for me. Thanks wife of Indianacuple

[CanadianCouple]

Indianacuple --

One of the golden rules of swinging is do NOT engage in any activity you don't feel comfortable doing. If it's a case where you're unsure until you actually enter into a sexual situation, you have the right to terminate at any time. On the other hand, if you're certain that watching your man have sex with another woman is more than you can handle, don't do it. Simple as that.

If it's the latter, then you and your mate must decide if you can still participate with another woman while he maintains a voyeur status only. If he agrees to that, then perhaps you may feel differently in the future about him having sex with her in a threesome, as you become more comfortable sharing your sexuality with others.

Dan

[anandjeff2]

Well what you have to do here is talk a bit more..does he want to play with the other female or with you?? It's hard for guys to watch 2 women play and not get extremely turned on..what you have to do is set up ground rules...like he can play but only with you or just casual touching of the female..no intercourse. Swinging is about talking things thru untill you are all comfortable with the situation..until you feel totally at ease with a situation you should not play

[JustAskJulie]

Aside from what has already been said another thing to consider here is that he wouldn't just be playing with another woman.. the two of you would be sharing this other woman.. or he and the other woman would be sharing you.. it all depends on what the two of you decide.

As with everything you can make it anything you want. Just remember tho that if you try to set rules like he can only play with you.. you have to think ahead to what if he gets carried away in the heat of passion? I can't imagine that it would be easy for any man to just sit and watch two women together.. granted it's a big turn on for most guys.. but it's a lot to ask him to just sit in the corner alone while the two of you have fun.

Ideas to consider:
-Set a rule that he can touch but can't have sex with you guys during the playtime.. that way he can be involved but not a)take away any of your fun, b) have any possibilities of it going to far.
-Talk about the possibility of you playing with the woman alone (without him there), you could video tape it for him to see later if he liked.

The two of you have to decide together what you can both handle. And if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[Indianacuple]

I just want to say thank-you for all the advise. I can see where I'd be setting him up to fail if I asked him to do nothing. I don't feel I'd have a problem with casual touching. I just worrie that things will happen in that moment and I will regret them latter. It's so hard to predict feelings when I have never been in the situation. If it ever happens I may find it a complete turn on. I have come to the conclusion that I will never know the answer until I try it. I have another question that you may be able to help me with. If I decide to give it a shot and in the middle I know that I can't continue is there a tactful way to either slow things down or stop them? I can imagine that would be a let down for the others involved and I wouldn't want to offend anyone. I'll look forward to more great advise. Thanks.........Indianacuple

[JustAskJulie]

Of course it would be a let down for all involved (even you who had been looking forward to it) but if you can't go through with it don't. Simply say you are sorry but you can't handle it/ aren't ready/ whatever is the reason and that you need to either stop things or slow them down. No means NO, and anyone you are with should respect you enough to honor that (most of all your husband).

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[joendawnmelb]

This is a late post for this topic but one that hits close to home for us. We're a late 50's couple who have enjoyed swinging off and on for years, but not nearly so much as the past year. After all this time we've been able to finally communicate fully with each other which resulted in the revelation that she has never been comfortable seeing me with another woman. She thinks this may not be the case with someone we know well but that premise hasn't been tested yet. She's not interested in being with a woman but the thought of being with another man with me watching sends us both over the edge. Would I like to be with the guy's wife, sure I would. But I so much enjoy watching her and she gets so turned on by it, I've certainly no complaints.

The best advice I've seen on here is, don't do it if you aren't comfortable. If you forge ahead in spite of misgivings, you'll probably regret it as will your partner and whoever you share the experience with. No is certainly no, but if you know ahead of time it's no, that's when it should be stated.

*Late, but adding my 2 cents anyway...lol*

Originally posted by Indianacuple:
I have found myself in a situation that I don't know what to do about. I have been with the same man for 3 years now. He is 10 years older then me but age hasn't been a problem. We have a good relationship in all aspecks. He knows that I would like to be with another woman and he also has the fantasy of seeing me with another woman. Here's the problem.....he would not be happy just watching. Until this came up I thought that I was a very secure person, I have never had any problems with jealousy. I just don't think that I could handle watching him with another woman. I know that would just be sex and nothing compared to what we share, but I can't help but feel that it's something that I might not be able to deal with. This is something that I want to deal with because until I do I will be cheating myself out of a chance to fulfill my own fantasy. I would appreciate any advice that anyone has for me. Thanks wife of Indianacuple

After setting your ground rules together with hubby, it's important to discuss them with your potential playmate(s) too, when the time comes. It's just as important for the other female to know that your play sessions are NON-intercourse only, and just casual/sexual touches only. Or whatever your decisions may be...

And even through your "non-intercourse" sessions, you can explore other desires & fantasies you have, and maybe even taking it another step further, making your WILDEST sexual dreams cum true!

And then again, if you're uncomfortable with the situation, you have every right to STOP it, or slow things down, or even discuss it further and trying things out another way...Whatever feels most comfortable for you & your hubby. Discuss everything ahead of time too, don't wait till it catches the both of you by surprise, in the midst of ecstasy, and you can't seem to deal with it then. Not good. YIKES!

You may also want to discuss the endless "possibilities" that may occur, JUST in case things turn out to be even BETTER than you thought it would! *LOL*


Good luck & keep us posted!
CyberWife

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 08-27-2001).]

[OhioCouple]

This is an older topic but one that has a lot of valuable advice. Hopefully some of our newer and older members can add to this thread and share their advice and experience.

Lori

[2New2it]

We are in somewhat the same situation. I'm totally comfortable seeing my wife with another man, but she has some misgivings about the reverse.

The last time we were in a threesome with a woman, there was no intercourse, but we had a great time with a lot of oral activity. While I would have liked to have had intercourse, it wasn't that big a deal and it made my wife happier, so it was worth it.

When we are in a threesome with a man, we are both completely satisfied. She loves showing me how well she can perform and I love watching.

[BradAndJanet]

It's similar with us, 2New2it. One thing we did learn from our first encounter, an MFM, was that it is a big turn-on for me to watch J with another man. I liked to see her enjoying herself and there was no jealousy.

We have not tried swinging with another couple yet and J has some apprehension about how she will feel seeing me with another woman. We plan to take it slowly, flirting, soft-swinging, until we get a feel for her reaction. We've talked about it at length, but we know that reality sometimes is much different than one would imagine.

-B

[dragonfly_nc]

the best advice we could give is similar to all the other great advice:

1) Talk with partner
2) make sure that your potential playmate is aware of and any "rules", etc ...I would also let them know that you are new to the whole situation.and finally..
3)Go with your gut feeling, if it is telling you no, then stop.

hope this helps

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by dragonfly_nc
the best advice we could give is similar to all the other great advice:

1) Talk with partner
2) make sure that your potential playmate is aware of and any "rules", etc ...I would also let them know that you are new to the whole situation.and finally..
3)Go with your gut feeling, if it is telling you no, then stop.

hope this helps

This is excellent advice. Especially number three. We took one for the team because we wanted each other to be happy and we assumed each other WAS happy. It all goes back to communication and picking ourselves up when we fall and trying to discover where it went wrong and how we can do it better the next time.

Lori

[xxxfunme]

May I suggest another option.
We were in the same situation. Wife was bi-curious but didn't want to act on it for fear of loosing me (her words, not mine). After about 2-months of small talk, intimate conversations and reasurances from me that I loved her and this was about strictly sex, we took a small but first step none the less. We mutualy agreed to go to a strip club one night. After the initial gitters, we both relaxed and enjoyed the show. She asked if I wanted a table dance but I resisted (not wanting to make her uncomfortable) but offered to have a young lady dance for her. That was the extent of our first stirp club visit. A few weeks later, we were out having a few drinks and she suggested we visit the dancing girls. I agreed and that visit netted a table dance for her but none for me. Soon after, we were going about once every 2-weeks, Each time I made sure I respected my wife by not staring in aw of the ladies and rejecting table dances when they were offered. This seemed to reasure her that this was striclty about sex and had nothing to do with the love we shared. One night she offered a table dance for me, indicating she didn't want to have all the fun. After my initial hesitation, she persisted. Seeing how comfortable she had become in that environment, (after several visits, the girls became quite friendly and would usually sit and talk with us for a while) I agreed. We each had a couple of dances that night, the ladies allowed some touching but nothing major, and at the end of the night we retreated to our home where we embraced in passionate love. During this time is when she opened up and talked about how much she'd like to be intimate with a woman and she also told me how she had realized that seeing me with another woman (while only a table dance with light touching) actually turned her on...and the rest is history. Of course I continued my total respect for her feelings after that, making sure that before each encounter, we talked about what we each would participate in. If there was the slightest hesitation on her part, I took it upon myself to not act upon what she was hesitant about.

Just food for thought...worked for us!

[FlyBiNiter]

I've heard it said a million times and it applies to this topic:

Always move at the pace of the slowest partner, and you'll never go wrong.


That's how we approach it, and it works out very well. I would also add.. Talk, talk, talk......



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