Jealousy Issues?

[wolfmaiden]

I would like to know how you guys talk about your jealousy issues???? Hubby and I are jealous people when it comes down to each other giving attention to other people of the opposite sex. I think it can be the old replacement issue or not enough compliments are dished out in our relationship. Any advice???? We would like to get over this hump so we can explore with our sexual fantasies.

[Elusive BiFem]

That certainly is a hump you need to get over before you start exploring.

I did a search on the word "jealousy" and there were many pages with threads. I then did a search on "green eyed monster" and that narrowed the seach.

You may want to do the same search and do some reading. If I was good enough, I'd post a link or two, but I'm not. Beyond that, there were many and you might think some are more pertinent to your situation than others so it's probably best if you do your own search.

Most jealousy situations arise from our own insecurities and self-doubts, trust issues...that sort of thing. I think your best place to start would be to simply start talking to each other about what and why you each become jealous of the other and maybe laying some fears and concerns to rest in the process.

I think you are wise to want to address these issues before considering swinging. Otherwise, you would be headed for trouble and possibly creating problems for others.

Keep reading and keep posting...and keep talking to each other. It most likely won't resolve overnight, but every conversation will lead you closer to understanding yourself and your partner. (and the Board is always here for you!)

- EBF

[wolfmaiden]

We had some discussion today about the jealousy thing. We both feel like we would be replaced for different reasons. His is because he feels lack of money, looks, penis size, better in bed, and someone more humerous. Mine is my weight issue and looks.

[SexhoundDog]

And out of this discussion, did you both come to the conclusion that you were committed to each other enough that leaving either/or would not happen? If not, I wouldn't risk swinging. I think there is always that chance anyway, as other posts have mentioned. Of course, there is always the risk that one or the other of you would meet someone outside of swinging as well. Obviously, swinging could accelerate the chances of that happening.
But, I think you both need to have that comfort level. I have it, I'm not sure my wife does. For instance, we could meet a guy or couple who is better looking, better in bed, etc and I'd like to believe what my wife and I have been through all these years and have outside of sex (although neither of us is certainly bitching about our sex life) is enough that an adventure like that wouldn't phase how committed we felt to each other. I think she probably has fears that I might replace her for the same reasons shown above.
It's weird. I'd be delighted if she were getting some great pleasure because what's the point of doing someone else if you're not? I'd be happy to let her have that pleasure and would hope she'd feel closer to me for it. I'm not so sure she feels the same way.

So, even though you've talked about your fears, you need to feel safe with your commitment to each other. I'm guessing this is one of the reasons older swingers probably have a higher rate of staying together. They've got a lot of water under the bridge together, and that's just too good to leave behind. Sorry if I rambled on, but you get the point.

[Alura]

I don't know if it will help y'all, and we've posted this idea before. It certainly helped us.

On our first date we sat and talked for hours about most subjects, including jealously. We even opened up the possibility of a committment to each other. We made the agreement that we would never get angry over the content of any question one of us asked the other. We further agreed we would answer the question as exactly as possible. Since that time, we've never feared talking to each other on any subject. We listen to the other's ideas, give them serious thought, never dismiss them.

On our second date, the next night, we were invited to play with another couple, but since we hadn't discussed it, decided not to. When we did have the opportunity to talk about it, which was immediately after we left the other couple, we agreed we'd both have enjoyed playing with the couple. (Aids was not an issue then.) "It sure sounds like fun to me," was Mrs. Alura's thought on the subject.

Both of us had been in relationships where communication wasn't as open as we'd wanted it to be. I suppose we saw an opportunity in each other to build the communication both of us had always dreamed of and seized on it.

After more than twenty years together and two kids, we still kiss several times a day, (much to he chagrin of our sons) and say, "I love you" more often. We never end a telephone conversation without saying it.

One of the best benefits is that our sons have supreme security in their family life. They know as well as we do that only death will someday separate us, and they know that we will always be there for them as long as we live.

Mr. Alura

[Michcouple]

Hi Wolf

Does it help knowing that jealousy is factor for alot of swingers. That even includes those that have been swinging for years. It's great that you two have been able to talk openly about your issues to each other. Jealousy can only be over come when you have an open line of communication.

Me and my partner have great understanding to each other wants and desires. However, if for any reason one of us is uncomfortable about the other "playing" with someone then they don't. With no questions asks.

[Alura]

Originally posted by Michcouple


Me and my partner have great understanding to each other wants and desires. However, if for any reason one of us is uncomfortable about the other "playing" with someone then they don't. With no questions asks.

I'm sure that would be true of us, too, Michcouple. It's never happened, but we have pretty limited experience.

Mr. Alura

[wolfmaiden]

That is one thing hubby and I do is tell each other we love each before we hang up the phone.

[DevilzAdvokit]

Jealousy is normal. When you dont experience any is when you need to worry. In my opinion it is definately a dichotomy of sorts.
If they are desirable enough to warrant doing in the first place then they are a potential threat on some level. If they are so inferior to what you have at home that they could never be perceived as a potential hypothetical replacement risk then they are probably not worth doing to begin with. If you are going to break the whole thou shalt not touch others rule then shouldnt it be with people desirable enough that you just couldnt say no. It 's a fine line that should be treaded most carefully.

Good Luck & Happy Hunting

The Devil

[thekolonel]

I don't think you ever really get over the hump. Jealousy becomes less of a factor with experience but it still does pop up from time to time. I think it also depends heavily on the specific play partners involved. Sometimes someone will just rub you the wrong way, even though everything else about them seems fine.

[BiloxiCouple]

Getting to learn something new or change a particular habit takes small steps.

Take alot of small steps with this jealousy thing or any other situation. And communicate with each other how you feel as you take each small step.

Pretty soon you may realize you have covered alot of ground and this situation wasn't as big as it seemed.

That's my advice. Small steps and communicate.

[OhioCouple]

Jealousy can be a real sticky issue. And to some degree we all have it. Be it even in the slightest of envy for something that someone else has that you may not. For instance, I happen to be very envious of the TNT's of the world. They did something right that I couldn't do in my first relationship. Do I dislike them for it? No, but I'm envious of it.

That said, ironically, I don't have an ounce of jealousy with our swinging partners. It hasn't cropped up one single time. Perhaps it is because I assume that we are all on the same wave length when it comes to swapping partners. However with mainstream folks, that jealousy can crop up sometimes at the drop of a hat for me, for absolutely no valid reason. If my husband pays OVERLY attention to someone that I don't know, and they aren't swingers, that can needle me and insecurity issues crop up. I don't know why, they just do.

[mrbandsatl]

In our 10 years in the lifestyle, we have never experienced any jealousy or insecurity over our swinging partners or activities. Nor have we ever been in the business of keeping tally.

Now, we are fond of saying that nothing is constant so what if that changes?

Well, the minute any feeling of insecurity or uncertainty entered the picture, we would immediately discuss a haitus to give ourselves time to discuss the issue.

All for one and one for all! (Hmmm... that has a new meaning to it!)

Cheers,
B+S

[JustAskJulie]

We actually have an archive dedicated to the issue of Jealousy, you can find it at
http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...php?forumid=26

I think that what it really comes down to is that you both have to feel like you are getting what you need (everything you need) from each other before you think about swinging.

Swinging should never be considered as a way to get things that your spouse isn't giving you, but only as a way to add to an already great relationship, and to help fulfill fantasies with each other that the two of you can't fulfill alone.