Help - Getting Used to Your Partner Being With Someone Else

[classicbeauty88]

Hello all!
I'm still having a little trouble getting completely used to the idea of my partner being with another person. Here's our story:
My boyfriend and I have been experimenting with "cuckold" and "hotwife" fantasies lately. He loves to imagine me having sex and doing other sexual things with other men, to whom I'm attracted.
Though I felt it was a little out of my comfort zone in the beginning, eventually I began to enjoy it. This experience of being sexual with another person and then coming home to the man I love to find him extremely turned on by my excursion is really exciting and encouraging. My partner thinks I'm doubly sexy after I come back from being with someone else and that feels good!
However, recently he's started telling me about sexual dreams and fantasies he's had about other women. This doesn't feel quite as good to me.
Somehow, it hurts me to think of him wanting to be intimate with another woman, though I know that most men feel this way pretty often, even when they are in happy and successful relationships.
I told him that him thinking about and being sexually interested in other women was fine with me, but that I'd rather not hear about it. -But we love each other very much and to have this rule in place, "you can't talk about ___ with me" or "I want to be connected to you in every way except for ___", doesn't feel good and, I think, will end up putting strain on our relationship in the end.
He wants to share these fantasies with me and he wants me to be equally as excited about them as he is, but when I've tried to be open and listen to his fantasies before, I've ended up in a pool of tears, hurt and angry.
We've had a foursome before with two of my girlfriends - thinking about this experience before it happened was nerve racking for me, but the actual experience itself was actually a lot of fun, and afterward, it was like we were in a completely new and beautiful relationship. It was wonderful!
SO, I feel like there is a way that I could be okay with -a way that I could actually learn to enjoy- the idea of him being with another person and coming home to make love to me, his number one lady with whom he is in love, afterward.
I feel more comfortable with the idea of us doing this as a couple than I do with any other situation. The idea of him hooking up with a single woman is upsetting because I feel that such a situation would open us up to the possibility of her falling in love with or becoming attached to him and feeling like she would need to compete for him with me. My ideal situation would be to meet up with two other people who love each other very much (like my boyfriend and I do), to go into our separate rooms, enjoy one another and then return to our respective partners, having had an exciting sexual experience that threatens neither party's relationship. Or we could stay in one room all together, that could be fun, too!
I guess my question is, has anyone else had a similar experience? Do you think this ideal situation of mine could possibly solve the problem? How do swingers deal with jealousy? Women, does sharing your partner with other women ever make you feel insecure in yourself and how do you deal with it? How can you learn to enjoy it?
I feel like we're on the right path to finding a way that we can both be sexually free and enjoy knowing that each other is being explored sexually by someone else. -Even get off on it! The couple situation I mentioned before definitely turns me on! -But there are still times when I think about him being with another woman and the insecurity and pain rear their ugly heads once again.
Any advice? I could really use it. Thank you!

[ViSexual]

OK, call me sexist if you want but, I think you're right about there being a difference between the lady of a couple enjoying solo and the man.

The men that the lady goes our with, whether swingers or not, are more into the enjoyment of the sexual encounter.

Single women who go out with a married man might have more of an agenda in mind.

Well, that said and I hope I haven't made anyone mad, I think that if you going out and coming home to his being turned on my your adventure works then fine. And, if you're more confortable with him enjoying another lady through couple's swapping then why would he need to go out alone?

It's about finding what's good for you both and enjoying those things.

[mrfunfan]

Classic, you sound like my wife. This is such a gender difference and dilemma in are relationship. We love each other so much and it really turns me on fantasizing and thinking about my wife and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy and really close to her when I can share those fantasies with her. However, she doesn't like hearing about my fantasizes because it usually makes her sad, jealous and angry.

Trust that your man is sharing them with you because it makes him feel closer to you. I fantasize about sex, not love, and I am guilty of not knowing how much and when to share them. I'm curious to find out more from you too so I can understand more.

[sweet_tna]

I guess my question is, has anyone else had a similar experience? Do you think this ideal situation of mine could possibly solve the problem? How do swingers deal with jealousy? Women, does sharing your partner with other women ever make you feel insecure in yourself and how do you deal with it? How can you learn to enjoy it?

I have tried alone play, but Mr. Sweet has not. I'm actually hoping that he WILL decide to give it a try, though.

I think what you need to do is sit down and share this thread with him, and talk to him about how you feel. If he's agreeable and interested in playing with other couples, then go for it. Perhaps "getting used" to him having sex with other women in this manner may ultimately make you comfortable enough to consider letting him play alone--even if it's with the lady half of a couple you know and trust.

Jealousy really isn't an issue for us, but we'd treat it like any other issue we might face. We'd talk openly and honestly with each other until we worked it out.

Best of luck to you,

=)

[slevin]

Originally Posted by ViSexual

The men that the lady goes our with, whether swingers or not, are more into the enjoyment of the sexual encounter.

Single women who go out with a married man might have more of an agenda in mind.

First of all, I disagree I think that there is just as large a chance of a single man developing feelings of obsession with a married woman as there is a single woman growing attached to a married man. For all kinds of reasons, but the one that sticks out the most is that most men who come across a woman who is sexually liberated, free, exciting and hot in bed......get obsessed. Swingers might not, but single guys sure do. I've seen it a ton amongst my circle of friends and extended social circle.

That said, does it really matter whether there is a risk of the single man or woman getting attached or wanting more? If you and your husband/boyfriend are confident in your relationship, deeply in love and committed to each other, does it matter what the other people think? If someone starts showing signs of getting attached then agree you will end things right away. Now, this is said with no direct experience of this on my part as we've not met up with anyone on our own at all.

[classicbeauty88]

Originally Posted by mrfunfan

Trust that your man is sharing them with you because it makes him feel closer to you. I fantasize about sex, not love, and I am guilty of not knowing how much and when to share them. I'm curious to find out more from you too so I can understand more.

I do believe that his desire to be with other women is purely sexual (just like his desire for me to be with other men), I think the issue lies in the way I've always understood relationships to work - that sex and love are synonymous. Of course, we've had sexual experiences together that were primal, but I feel that I am safe doing such things because I know that we love each other and it's ok to share such a part of myself with him - he'll be there after if I need to feel love and support as well. -Yet we share this little secret about how bad ass we are in bed.

When I think about him having little secrets with several other women, it feels like betrayal - like he doesn't want me to be a part of the picture anymore. I'm not in on the secret... and that doesn't feel good.

That's why I think that a group thing would work out really well! Then, we would all have our little secret together, which would keep my boyfriend and I involved with each other instead of divided from each other by outside people.

If this whole thing is really about him wanting to share everything with me, then any sexual situation we put ourselves in should be aimed at sharing with each other and keeping one another involved.

[classicbeauty88]

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

I think what you need to do is sit down and share this thread with him, and talk to him about how you feel. If he's agreeable and interested in playing with other couples, then go for it. Perhaps "getting used" to him having sex with other women in this manner may ultimately make you comfortable enough to consider letting him play alone--even if it's with the lady half of a couple you know and trust.

He's definitely interested in playing with other couples, so we may end up exploring that. -And we talk about this topic all the time, making sure that we are both on the same page, supporting each other and listening to each other's wants/needs. He read this post before I put it up - he's hoping I get some good advice too!

Thank you for yours! -Communication is so important in any relationship, swinger or not. I feel that the more that I can understand about how loving swinger relationships work, the more I can open up the idea of us both being involved in sorts of different play. I hope so anyway!

Thanks again!

[classicbeauty88]

Originally Posted by slevin

That said, does it really matter whether there is a risk of the single man or woman getting attached or wanting more? If you and your husband/boyfriend are confident in your relationship, deeply in love and committed to each other, does it matter what the other people think? If someone starts showing signs of getting attached then agree you will end things right away. Now, this is said with no direct experience of this on my part as we've not met up with anyone on our own at all.

I definitely think that the both of us would want to avoid any kind of encounter that might end up hurting another person emotionally.

You make a good point though! If he felt that there was any danger of attachment or competition from the woman, I feel very confident that he would consult me and would want to discuss the possible repercussions of the hook-up before we planned for anything to actually happen. He says that, no matter who he's with, it would ultimately be about us - that our relationship would be at the center of any play and it comes first, above all.

It feels really nice to think about it that way! Thank you!

[classicbeauty88]

Thank you all so much for reading this post and for offering your advice!

I'm elated to announce to you that I think we've found a wonderful solution our problem.

My boyfriend and I were talking again today and after a little stay in a fog of misunderstanding, I realized something: That taking this whole "sleeping with other people" idea on a case-by-case basis feels worlds better to both of us than trying to convince ourselfs to approve of any sexual situation that may arise.

I realized that there is a situation in which I would be turned on by seeing my boyfriend with another woman. The key is that I would have to be attracted to the other woman!

I've had crushes on girls before. In these crushes I've had sexual fantasies and even enjoyed kissing or being intimate with the girls to whom I was attracted. If the situation is that I find a girl to whom I'm attracted and then get to be involved in the whole process of my boyfriend enjoying her, that I could enjoy their sexual interaction just as much as he does. I'm turned on by both parties and I can enjoy living vicariously through them (and hopefully participating as well! )

The fact that my partner has deemed it ok for me to say "no" is so liberating. If I am uncomfortable with a situation, it is not the end of our relationship, it just wasn't the right time or the right person. The fact is that there are "right people" out there and if we run into them and have the opportunity, that we could both enjoy the experience of either of us playing with them, together or separate.

We're just going to take it day by day, situation by situation, enjoying what is instead of hoping for or dreading what could be. We both believe that you draw to you what you put into the world. We've decided to put happiness and a carefree life perspective into our realm and I'm sure that that's what we'll get back. If that includes our special lady or special man or special couple (haha), wonderful! If not, we will simply continue to enjoy each other in a loving, listening, alive relationship, ready for whatever comes our way.

Thank you all for your input! I hope those of you who live happily and freely continue to receive all of those wonderful blessings and I hope that those of you who want for anything are able to find clarity and joy very soon!

<3

[slevin]

Thanks for posting the follow up! I love your attitude and I totally think that is the right approach to life. It's what I try to live by as well!

Good luck with everything and I hope that you keep hanging around the board and continue to read/post. It would be great to have your cheerful attitude around here on a regular basis

[sweet_tna]

That's wonderful to hear, and I love your positive attitude!!

=)

[Additude]

What your feeling is not an unusual emotional feeling. It's really a conflict of social programming (not saying that is a bad thing) and your personal doubt, fears and trusts conflicting with what your mind tells you is your "standard practice" and normal thought.

For example, if you and everyone else in our society grew up with the concept of swinging, that it was acceptable, that either spouse, with the knowledge and permission of the other spouse could venture out sexually and return home to their husband or wife, etc. and it was no big deal, you wouldn't be having these feelings unless something was different to that normal thought process.

My point is it's all about conditioning. As you stated earlier, your foursome was nerve wracking to begin with, but after you went thru it and experienced it and had fun, you actually ended up appreciating the experience....you ended up trusting the situation, trusting your own feelings and trusting your relationship even more.

That's where you need to go next, trusting this new experience, trusting yourself, trusting your relationship. Your boyfriend is not telling you his fantasy thoughts because he hates you and because he wants to hurt you. He is telling you those thoughts and feelings because he loves you and trusts you and wants to share his inner-most feelings with you.

Be less afraid of damaging your relationship and more trusting of embracing and building an unbreakable bond in that current relationship.

[JustAskJulie]

Communication - the key to finding all the answers. I'm glad you found yours. Keep talking and I encourage you both to keep reading here and discussing what you read. The more scenarios you can play out the more it will help you figure out what your own comfort levels are. As long as "no" is an option you know you are safe and that's important.