can jealousy add to the excitement?

when i was in my early 20's, i had a girlfriend who would get jealous practicaly every time i talked to another girl. She would never give me a hard time because of it...in fact, she would talk about it with me very matter-of-factly. One thing she used to tell me was that the jealousy got her aroused, which i enjoyed of course... ...but never really understood.

However, a few months ago when my wife first told me she was thinking about a threesome with another guy, I experienced the same thing. Maybe my wife never wanted to tell me this before because she thought i'd be jealous, or just too uptight to accept it. Well, she was probably right because I would have been too jealous (or just insecure?) to deal with it in the early stages of our relationship (we've been together 8 years, btw).

Then one night after being at a party where we both had been drinking quite a bit...we were fooling around and she confessed this fantasy of hers to me. What I felt was a combination of intense arousal and jealousy at the same time. I dont know if it was the jealousy itself that was so exciting, or the liberating feeling of being able to move past the jealousy and just be turned on by the idea of my wife wanting to have sex with another guy. Whatever it was, it was completely intoxicating. My wife, of course, got so worked up seeing how into it i was...which just made it even better for me. Needless to say, we've both been doing a lot of sharing fantasies since then, and wondering how much further we might want to take it.

So anyhow...i've read quite a bit about jealousy and swinging on this site and on several others. However, no one has mentioned anything about being excited by the jealous emotions. I was just wondering if anyone had experienced anything like this.

[OhioCouple]

Interesting question.

In my first marriage I often found myself jealous, my ex-husband was extremely jealous when it came to me. What I learned from that though was that we didn't have a very secure relationship. (This is many moons ago and swinging was not a factor, cheating on his part was though.) We were married for 10 long miserable years. In the first few years of my relationship with Gene (my husband now) I would sometimes experience the same old feelings as he is much more outgoing than I am. I would equate those as to being feelings of jealousy/hurt. In truth there wasn't any reason to be so, but I had not learned any different. Over time somehow all of that disappeared. We have been together going on 10 years now.

We have had two instances in swinging, of what one might consider to be jealousy on each of our parts. Neither time did they make for an evening of pleasure. We read each other well enough to remove ourselves politely from the situations and then discussed it at home later. I am not really sure I could even call those incidents jealousy as much as I believe it was just the "shock" factor of being in a situation that we were not prepared for. From having done all the reading that we have on this board and asking questions, we knew that was a red flag for both of us when it occured and shouldn't involve other parties in it. Again we were new to swinging and we just jumped in a little to quickly. I don't believe either situation would be a problem now.

In answer to your question based on my experience, no...jealousy in my opinion has no place in swinging, nor should it be a motivation to swing or to heighten the experience. Swingers are very perceptive people and those that you would be with, would be able to read it right away. That is something that for ourselves we would steer clear from. When I think of my husband or watch him with another woman, I get aroused, I don't feel a pang of jealousy. THere is a big difference between become aroused by Love and Appreciation and Jealousy.

Jealousy reminds me of my first husband.

Lori

[ciscosv]

I'm with jealousy isn't a good thing. It's easy to get turned on while discussing fantasy.

[2New2it]

Jealousy will kill the moment faster than a tub of ice cubes. If it's present, forget swinging.

well...i agree with you both that jealousy isnt a good thing. It can certainly cause problems between people. But I was really just talking about a very mild form of jealousy that i was finding arousing...not something that would get in the way of my or my wife's enjoyment. In fact, I was enjoying the fantasy so much that I'm sure even my wife had no idea i was slightly jealous.

Im generally very secure with my relationship. I love and trust my wife completely...and i think she finally feels that way about me after all this time together (she's usually the more insecure of the 2 of us). In fact, that was probably the first time i've felt jealous in the 8 years we've been together. The thing is, in the past I would always have looked at it as a threat to my relationship for my wife to be thinking about sex with other guys. Or course, I know everyone has fantasies...I just would have thought it would be dangerous for me to encourage it (just the way i was raised, i suppose). *L*

This was the first time she's said anything like that to me, so i suppose it was the shock of something new that made me feel that way. I cant say I've really felt jealous since then when thinking about it actually happening...but then again, there's really no way to tell how you'd feel in a certain situation until you're actually in it.

I really dont think there's any chance that we'd do anything that we werent BOTH completely comfortable with...and if we decide to actually do this it will be in a situation where all parties involved feel pretty comfortable with each other.

[Nymph an' Satyr]

In that jealousy is, or certainly can be, a very strong emotion.....I think that it may have some arousal value. I'm not saying that jealousy is good- it's not. But it might be interesting to compare the physiological response of jealousy to those responses of sexual arousal.

I can see where one might influnce and even maybe perversly enhance the other....

Just a thought.....

[Chicup]

People kill over sexual jealousy.

This belongs in swinging about as much as a chainsaw.

[Alura]

Originally posted by Chicup
People kill over sexual jealousy.

This belongs in swinging about as much as a chainsaw.

Very well put, Chicup! A swinger who is jealous would do well to consider giving up the sport.

Mr. Alura

[tallchow]

well not that im any expert but ive run into the green eyed monter and its not prety. the wife though it was cute at frist but that ran out. one has to stop and get a hold on ones self so reason can take hold and definately talk it out so that one or the others insecurtiy can be addressed. if not you are not ready to swing as far slight jealousy gos it can be abit erotic but one must be careful with it has killed pepole.

[Quin]

Originally posted by Chicup
People kill over sexual jealousy.

This belongs in swinging about as much as a chainsaw.

THUD!!!!!!!!

That's the sound of me hitting floor as I faint from totally agreeing with something Chicup posted.

Quin
()()

Well thanks for all the input!...I have to say though, I dont think i did a good job in describing what i was feeling. I dont think there was anything perverse about it at all. I suppose what i experienced was the excitement of the fantasy combined with a really exhilerating feeling that I could be slightly jealous, but not be dominated by it ...and not have it keep me from something I knew I would otherwise enjoy. After all, we dont need to be slaves to our emotions, right? Honestly, I felt like my wife and I were communicating more honestly than we ever had...and since then i've felt much closer to her. Now that cant be bad, can it?

[DragonsLair]

If feeling closer to your wife and better communication is what you've gotten out of this, great for you both.

I have to agree with the others that said jealousy has no place in swinging. My husband and I haven't had a swinging encounter yet, but I have the gut feelings I'd be jealous seeing him with another woman. Which is part of the reason we haven't done anything yet. I don't want those feelings to come between us.

Maybe the feelings you had weren't really jealous ones, but something else.

In any case, do what feels right to you. And have fun.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[Brit_Pair]

I think I understand what it is you're trying to express. It's not (as some of those above have assumed) the sort of full-blown jealousy that tears people and relationships apart. It's something much more subtle, and accordingly, much more difficult to articulate.

When I was younger, I saw a film that at one point had the hero's wife being seduced by the villain. She knew it was wrong, loved her husband, didn't want to hurt him, and yet she still gave herself to the villain, almost in spite of herself. And in the moment of her surrender, I first experienced this strange, yet compelling mixture of emotions. I was caught between wanting her to stop, and wanting her to carry on, and it was an exhilarating moment. And it was exactly that mix of emotions I experienced the first time I fantasised about my wife pleasuring another man, and the first time I saw her stroking another man's cock in real life.

But I'm still no closer to putting a name to it. And yes, it is exciting.
:evil:

Yes, yes! You not only know exactly what i was talking about, you were able to say it better than i did. It was definetely not "the sort of full-blown jealousy that tears people and relationships apart". It was much more subtle, and definetely something i could handle. actually, I was really surprised by the responses I got...I thought for sure that other people must have felt the same thing at some point.

I think people are conditioned to percieve certain situations as threatening, and when you experience a situation like that, jealousy is triggered automatically. In this case, however, i knew conciously that there was no real threat, so i was fine. The conflicting emotions made the experience that much more intense.

And its funny that you mentioned feeling that way while watching a movie. I had the same feeling while watching "Unfaithful"...

[Brit_Pair]

I don't remember the title of the movie I was watching, but, as with you, it was a mainstream movie.

So if we owe these (rather delicious) sensations to the conflict between a conditioned, almost autonomic, jealous response, and our desire to proceed anyway, could this be some kind of sexual parallel to the way mountaineers & base jumpers & other extreme sports participants use the mix of anticipation and fear to provide life-affirming, adrenal-charged sensations?