Jealousy strikes again???

[spaziam]

I posted recently about feeling a little left out during a first time full swap experience. Actually first time for really anything like that. Got over the bad feelings very quickly after talking things out. Well, I was hoping I could get some more advice. Recently, my BF and I went to a regular club and while I was walking around, my BF met a single girl. I kept my distance for a bit and he eventually brought her over and introduced us. She was a bit suprised to find out he had a girlfriend but warmed up to the idea immediately. Please note, he wasn't trying to pick up girls behind my back. We have talked about this before and if some girl flirts with him while he's walking around it's allright to go talk to her as long as he brings her over to introduce us. So, anyways one thing led to another and we ended up bringing her home. We had a pretty good time, but this girl didn't seem much into me and couldn't stop going on and on and on and on about how gorgeous my BF was, how good he was how big he was, etc. I can handle a little of that but this was sickening. All night this went on, literally!! That put me off, then while I was on the computer reading e-mail she starts messing around with him again. One of our rules is nothing happens unless the other is present. I couldn't be mad at her, because we didn't tell her about our rules (which we did before this happened again) That was it and I got really mad. He took her home and we talked for days and eventually got all rules re-defined. Mainly, that no rule has any room for interpretation. A rule is a rule!! We got together with her again, we had a blast. I really enjoy watching him with another woman. However, I continue to get the feeling that it isn't a threesome that she wants. So, I decide to discuss it with her and she insists that she respects our relationship and doesn't want to do anything to jeapordize that. Even though my boyfriend is way her type and she does want to be in a relationship. She isn't pursuing him. Yet, after we have told her on numerous occastions that there are no secrets. If you have something to say, you say it in front of both of us. she keeps having conversations with my BF while I am in the bathroom or doing something else. Once telling him I made her feel uncomfortable. That made me feel like she was making me look like the bad guy. Then she continues with the praise, you are so hot, you are so big, you are so good in bed. Then she asks my BF if she can see pictures of him when he was a child. Never once took an intrest in my pictures, just his. We went out to dinner on Sunday and my BF and I start telling her how happy we are, how we met, how incredible our life has been and on the way back to our house she starts crying in the back seat and claims she remembered a bad memory. My first thought was she is in love with him and didn't like hearing how happy we are together. I talked to my BF about all this, and pointed out what I thought was the obvious. He said that he truly did not read into these things too much, but now that I told him about all these things he too thinks there is something going on. She promised she was not trying to pursue him, but I really don't believe that. My BF and I have agreed that we are not going to see her anymore. I guess what I am asking is, am I being overly jealous or possesive and reading into these situations too much or does it sound like this woman is trying to pursue my BF.

[OhioCouple]

Spaziam, I am going to give you my gut reaction that I felt from halfway through your post. This is not a good scenario. When I read at the end that you had decided not to persue the relationship any further, I breathed a sigh of relief.

This, in my opinion, is a good call here. You were right, not jealous or seeming possesive, to tell your boyfriend what you were feeling. Based on what you posted, I don't see either emotion entering the picture at all. What I do see is your intuitiveness coming into play. It is quite apparent that this young lady has some issues of her own to deal with and you really don't need to involve that in your personal realtionship.

I am glad your boyfriend did listen to what you had to say and that you are stepping back from her. In regards to your question about her persuing him.... I would have to say yes. Again, just based on your postings and my experience.

Please keep us updated and let us know how it plays out.

Lori

[spaziam]

We are planning to tell her that we don't want to see her anymore. I am afraid of what her reaction may be. I have asked my boyfriend to be the one to break the news and have asked him not to accept her calls unless I am around, which he has agreed to do. How do you tell someone you don't want to see them because you believe they are being deceitful??? I know the first thing she is going to think is I did this. Well, yes I did and he is MY boyfriend not hers. My boyfriend thinks we don't need to give her an explanation, just tell her this doesn't work for our relationship.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by spaziam
My boyfriend thinks we don't need to give her an explanation, just tell her this doesn't work for our relationship.

Your boyfriend is correct. You don't need to give her an explanation at all. Why would you worry what she thinks? Are you friends in a mainstream setting? I wouldn't be mean to her, but you could let her know that you are taking a break from swinging activity (If you want to use that as nice parting words). This would confirm to her that you considered her only as an enhancement to your relationship, not a part of it.

Lori

[o7u89]

My 2 cents:

You should be the one to keep her away because if your BF is a nice guy, she is potentially going to manipulate him into saying or doing things that he knows are not ok but he will not know how to handle "so" becasue she's so "nice" to him.

Do you see what I am saying?

I don't want to make your BF out as an accident waiting to happen but this chick is unbalanced and too far gone in her own issues to recognize that her behavior is NOT ok. I don;t think that you should trust her not to try to play games on/with him if she thinks she is not accountable because he's so "big, cute" whatever. She is flattering his ego and men are notorious for accepting this as truth becasue she's so sweet.

Just my cynical thoughts.

[spaziam]

o7u89

I agree about what you are saying. I told my boyfriend that women (not all women) are manipulative. If she wants him enough she will try very hard to persuade him. He says he can't be persuaded because his heart belongs to me and it takes two to tango. Point well taken, however, I do not want to put myself in a situation where I have to deal with that, ya know?? An added note, although my boyfriend sees where I am coming from, he now tells me that he doesn't really have an opinion on what has happened. Yes, after pointing out what I have seen, he understands why I would feel that way. But, also feels that we don't know her well enough to make that kind of judgement about her. He doesn't want to see her anymore because it is causing too many problems between us, but doesn't necessarily feel her intensions are to persue him. I feel he should see my point and not want to see her anymore because of that, not just because it is causing a rift between us. Is that wrong. Now I am I being too petty. Who do you talk to about this stuff? Friends and family just wouldn't understand. Ya' know what I mean. I just need somebody's opinion.

[Brit_Pair]

I think that you are being somewhat petty.

Leaving cynicism completely to one side, your boyfriend may be one of those rare people who struggle to see bad in others (only you will know whether that’s the case or not). He may not believe that this girl is pursuing him, and therefore is hardly likely to have the same motivation for discontinuing the relationship that you do.

If he genuinely feels he doesn’t know this girl well enough to make the same judgement that you have, I think you have to respect that and accept it. By your own admission, your boyfriend does appreciate your point of view. He just doesn’t share it.

Surely the important thing here is that you’re united in your decision not to see her anymore. The fact that your boyfriend doesn’t want to see her because of the problems it is causing between you shows that he values your relationship. He told you his heart belongs to you. Even if this girl was pursuing him, he couldn’t have made his choice much clearer. Accept that, embrace the lessons of the experience and move on. This sort of thing can eat you up from the inside if you allow it to.

(Another 2 cents worth added to the pile.)

[o7u89]

Brit Pair

You are soooo right!

B

[spaziam]

Brit_Pair, thanks for the smack back into reality!! Really, I appreciate that. I feel rather foolish for posting that. I surely must have sounded like an adolescent!! I am very thankful there is a place like this to go and get advice.

Thank you!

[ciscosv]

You are not being foolish spaziam. These are normal feelings.

Some people want what they cant have and would go to great lengths to obtain them. It's called insanity.

I really do hope that your boyfreind respects your wishes and cuts all contact with this female. I too agree that there is no need for an explanation.

Let us know what comes about.

[spaziam]

Hi Everybody,

Let me preface this by saying in advance, I apologize for the novel, but I needed to say this.

I wanted to share with you some revelations I have had since my last post titled "Jealously strikes again?". Sharing this information I think is more for myself than anything else. After days of crying, fighting, crying and more crying, questioning my boyfriends devotion and commitment to me, I had an apiphany. I have read much about this lifestyle and how important it is to be secure in your relationship before considering this type of lifestyle. I believed my relationship was strong, that this was the man of my dreams and that I wanted to share this with him and I still feel that way. However, I failed to realize that along with a strong relationship with your partner, it is equally important to have a strong relationship with YOURSELF. I have spent the last few days analyzing and re-analyzing my situation and what has happened. My boyfriend and I kept talking about this and I just couldn't feel any closure about it. I kept blaming this girl and him for how I was feeling, when the problem was my insecurities about myself. If this girl is persuing him, then he might see she is better than me some how. She might do it better, might please him better. He might love her mind better. He might realize that I am not the one he wants to be with. So, we decide not to see her anymore. My boyfriend even suggested we not do any of this anymore. That wasn't the answer though, because I truly enjoyed the experience and I want to experience it again. Which really confuses me, I love the experience and I'm insecure about it at the same time. Doesn't make alot of sense. So, I realize my problem is with myself. And I did the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I admitted it out loud last night. Somehow, I believed that if I didn't say it, nobody would know it. When I really knew that my insecurities screamed out in my actions and he knew about them all along and because he loves me is willing to do anything to help me through all this. But I was so afraid to say it. But, when I did, relief washed over me. My head was clearer, my stomach released it's knots and I actually slept well and woke up without dark circles under my eyes. How can something as simple as admitting your flaws free you from panic. Now the hard part, how to get past all these insecurites and realize I am as wonderfull as the love of my life keeps telling me. Thank god or the higher power whoever that may be, that I have someone as wonderful as him. Who understands me and loves me and is patient with me!! I have waited a lifetime for a love like this and I would do anything to give to him what he has given me. I don't know why, but, telling this makes me feel better. And I hope someone out there feeling the same as me can read this and get something out of it. This is only the beginning for me, but already this has been an incredible experience and I can only imagine how this will all feel once I have battled my demons.

Thank you for reading!!

[ciscosv]

Speaking on behalf of myself, guys love FMF threesomes. My wife and I decided some time ago to stick to couples instead. Our logic for this is simple. Feelings can crop up any time. I am not a jealous man by all means. But, I can not tell what situations may happen in the future. I may at some point feel jealous or insecure if a man was persuing my wife. Call me possessive. Afterall, she is my wife. We feel that maybe we can at least make friends with like minded couples. So far we have!

In addition to couples, nobody gets left out. And that is the best thing for both of us.

Nice update, and stick around!

[mopek]

Hi Spazium,

I was actually surprised at how easy it seemed to get a single girl to have a 3some with you LOL ...

I remember your other thread about "feeling left out" and I started another one called feeling left out part 2 .
How did you work that out? Are you guys going to do something different so that you feel that he is paying attention to you ... or that you feel you guys are playing together?

I have to hand it to you for sticking to your guns about the other girl. You handled it well and it is a learning experience. Since I also have feet "left out " , if I was in your situation I would have said "no more" after the first encounter. If she wasn't into you then , then she won't be into you later on. But I guess you know for next time.

mopek

[spaziam]

Actually, we initially only wanted a single girl and to our suprise there are not many out there that are willing to play. We had been looking for about 2 years. Met quite a few, but they eventually chickened out. This one caught us by suprise. I have read on this board that the best place to meet single women is in a "regular" club and I have to say, almost all the single women we have met have been at "regular" clubs.

My boyfriend and I have very open communication and he is very receptive to me and wants me to be happy. Also, we had a number of conversations with the girl and she says that she was just nervous the first time and that is why she didn't seem into me. She had never done this before and she wasn't sure what to do. She claims to really like me and says that she rented some porn and talked to some of her bi-friends to get advise on how to please a woman. I guess I should be flattered by that. She called me the other day and wanted to make sure everything is okay and went on and on about how much she likes me. So now I am thouroughly confused. To top that off, I have realized since then that my major problem with all this is me and my insecurity. I am afraid my boyfriend will fall for her, find her more attractive, think she is better in bed. I forget that love is more than physical attraction, alot more.

[Nymph an' Satyr]

If someone, other than me, kept flattering my wife, and telling her how good she was in bed- I would wonder what was up. A little flattery is fine, even appreciated. What you have going on, I believe, is something different.

I would very definitely say adios to this chica. You may want to consider a couple, as presumably/hopefully no one in the other couple will be spouse/BF hunting.

I DO NOT think that you are over reacting. Give her the boot.