Husband can't handle seeing wife with other men

[daisy13]

Hi,

My wife has just recently joined this site. And we were all set to start swinging. BUT after the first experiance with swapping I've become completly turned off by the thought of her with someone else. I had such a negative feeling about this that i've told her I wont do another swap.
I dont think I'll be able to handle ever seeing this again. I know she wants to play and she is BI so I suggested that she just stick to women to keep me sane. And no I dont expect to be with any woman she's with. Just there with her!
I just dont think I can deal with it again. I feel like i've let her down and this has caused stress and negitive feelings. Not to mention fighting, yelling, and crying.
Am I being unresonable? All I ever wanted was to make this woman happy I love her more then life it self.

So what do ya think?

[sportync]

daisy 13, Wow...what a let down, huh? sorry things didn't turn out better for you, but with so little information it's rather difficult to really understand the situation. The immediate questions that come to mind are, why did you decide to swing? Did you talk much about your respective fantasies before venturing into making them happen? Have you been together long? How did she react to seeing you with another woman? Are you two open, honest and able to communicate well? How did this swap come about...was it planned or did it just happen spontaneously? The yelling, crying and such is rather disturbing, because I would hope that this was something that you both wanted to explore together as FUN, and it sounds like it turned into just the opposite. I guess the bottom line is, swinging isn't for everyone, and sometimes fantasies should remain just that. Maybe you could try the bi-thing, but you really need to talk and especially listen to what each other really thinks about the whole situation. Best of luck, and I really hope that things work out well for both of you. Sportync

[J & K]

Fighting---Yelling---Crying are key words in a relationship that means communication is going on. At least you haven't fester thoses feelings inside then have a real blow out.

We have yet to do our full swap and will do so sometime after I "J" return from overseas (world situations).

I wonder how long you two talked about this before jumping into it. It sounds like you did some talking before hand and then said, "let's do it". What I am thinking and I could be wrong here, but maybe you two moved too fast. Were any baby steps taken at all? "K" and I talked for about 2 months everyday about swinging (before acting on it) and still do (for 8 months now), but not so much on a daily issue.

I will never forget the first time I saw a man of a cpl kiss my wife in a sexual matter. Did it bug me? No--it didn't because I knew I was going to get a chance to do the same thing with another woman. It was weird seeing it for the first time, but it didn't get to me. We told ourselves that we will take "Baby-Steps" until we BOTH feel ready to jump into it. I have prepared myself mentally to accept the fact there will be a day I will see my wife of 9+ yrs getting banged by another man. Does it turn me on? No it doesn't. I am not like most men who would enjoy just watching the wife have sex. I told myself that I will have to accept it. What helps me the most is I am not a watcher---i am a player---which means to me that I am going to be banging on another woman at the same time. Does that turn my wife on seeing me with another woman---of course not she has told me. We both love eachother so much and our marriage is strong. We turn eachother on the most. Someone else is just pure sex---not love sex (we have that).

We have taken the baby steps that are needed to do this and still will until the time comes and we BOTH say it is alright to full swap. going slow gives both of you a chance to explore a little at a time. just like a baby learning to walk. Remember---you must crawl before you can walk. From the sounds of it you guys just skip the crawl and went straight for the walk. Your walk took you to a big stumble. Now you have to get up and fix your boo-boo from the fall.

Is this something she wants alone or she wants to involve you at the same time? Are you a watcher or partaker?

My advice is to step back and re-group. Do some more talking, but not in a harsh way to start fighting/crying. Start over, but in a slow way. Get to know the man that will be involved with your wife. You must feel comfortable with him before you let him bang your lady. At the same time you might want to explore with cpls and not so much singles or just cpls that want your wife solo. That way there are two sexes there and not just a male. Maybe if another lady is giving you attention you like it might dampen your fears and feelings seeing her with another man because you can have fun too.

Look at it as a lesson learned and how you two can fix it so both of you will be happy---not just one, but BOTH.

Hang in there!!!! You aren't alone out there and neither is your wife---she is still with you right? See---she loves you, not the other man---it is sex in a physical way and not emotional. She has you and not the man she has been with.

TALK_TALK_TALK!!!!!! Good Luck!!!!

[ciscosv]

I looked at your profile. You jumped in this way too fast. 2 weeks is too fast in my opinion. Don't get me wrong. Every couple's relationship or reason for swinging is different.

The thought of swinging is fantastic. Fantasizing during our play time gets us both hot and turned on in an unusual way. The truth is that alot of issues can arise when you two make it real. The couples here would recommend that you two both read through alot of information here regarding swinging. Ask questions.

My wife and I visit this site (very seldom as of late) to gain an understanding of swinging. We started by way of fantasy. We then hit this site searching for off-premise parties close to our area. Never knew there was an on/off-premise party. We were learning. Finally we attended a swinger social function and had a blast. We became members of this site and have met very fine people here.

The point is that what's done is done. Learn from it. Now take the time to put swinging into perspective. Set rules, Set boundaries, Make up an "I'm uncomfortable-gotta stop" signal and stick by them! Define what it is that both of you are looking for in a single, couple or group. They will change over time.

I love my wife more than life itself too. As she does me. You are both in this together. She should respect your wishes too! Don't do this for her. Do it for you both!

Your situation does have some gaps.There are alot of questions that have been proposed by sportync. Another good statement was "Swinging isn't for everyone".

Take J&K's TALK_TALK_TALK.

I would add...Talk some more. Good luck and hopefully you two can work this one out.

[JustAskJulie]

Cisco, where'd you get the 2 weeks thing? I've read through all 3 posts from this couple and didn't see that (or anything in their profile).

Daisy, from reading your wife's posts and now yours it really sounds like you guys are doing ok. Have you read her posts? If not, you probably should. Granted she did sound a bit dissapointed but overall I think that you guys sound as tho you are communicating and that you will be fine. From the tone of both of your posts it really sounds like you both just want the other to be comfortable in whatever situation may arise and for you to both enjoy it.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by daisy13
I just dont think I can deal with it again. I feel like i've let her down and this has caused stress and negitive feelings. Not to mention fighting, yelling, and crying.

The most important thing, which Julie said, is that you are communicating. That in my opinion is 99% of the battle here. I think if you read thru you wife's posts you will see that she was concerned for your feelings as much as you are expressing yours for her now.

Keep talking. Your love and commitment for each other will provide the best answers for how you approach/view swinging in the future.

Keep in mind that swinging is not an activity that is for everyone and some activities we try may not suit us as a couple. Talk to each other and find out what your balance is, it could be as you suggested or it could be that you need to step away all together.
Either way you can look at it as lessons learned and move forward from there.

Lori

[ciscosv]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
Cisco, where'd you get the 2 weeks thing? I've read through all 3 posts from this couple and didn't see that (or anything in their profile).

I was going off of the date registered on the profile. Maybe I assumed a little too much here.

[daisy13]

Thanks for all your help and support! We appreciate the honest thought and advice! To answer some questions, yes we have talked about swinging, on and off, for about one year. We really had initially discussed bringing another lady into our partnership, but then we spoke of a couple. It turns out, around the time that discussion began, he ran into an old friend, they began to talk, and the next thing you know, we all went out together to see if we all "clicked" to all swing together. Perhaps the convience of knowing these people appealed to my husband and enticed him into fully swapping at first, I'm not sure. Anyway, we all went out 2-3 times and then decided to get a hotel room and play. we all discussed what our rules would be: no oral and all playing in the same room at all time. Well, I guess the hubby wasn't as prepared as he thought he was to see me with another man. He freaked out! (not at the time, but after). I can understand the shock and respect all his feelings. I guess what just got me is he's to dead againest even entertaining the idea of swapping again. He agrees to let the ladies play and the men to be with their spouses. I think what's disappointing to me is that it feels like it will never happen. I don't like the closed-mindedness of his thinking. Anyway, thanks for your help!~ Anyother comments/thoughts will be appreciated!

[4sum]

I think it isn't uncommon for folks just starting out to overstep the comfort level of one or the other spouse, even when everything's spelled out and agreed to up front.

In our very first experience we had a similar situation only it was the other female who freaked and it wasn't afterwards, it was during. On the plus side, we (as the other couple) were clued in to what was going on, and it allowed us to offer to make accomodations. You might consider doing the same.

It's difficult to take what you might consider a step backwards, but it may also provide your husband with an opportunity to deal with his emotions in a positive way. His reaction was neither wrong nor uncommon, and is something I think we have all dealt with to some degree or another at times.

The impulse when your starting out is to try everything right away. Not always the best idea because it makes it tough to sort through what you like and don't like. Kind of like sexual gluttony.

By involving the other couple in the process (assuming there's a mutual attraction), it doesn't have to be a yes/no thing, but one where you can limit and enjoy a level of involvement that is mutually agreeable, and my guess would be he's not always going to get that proprietary gut shot if pleasing you and the other wife becomes more of a team effort.

[Flori_DAMAN]

From the tone of Mr. Daisy it sounds like he is pretty normal. Most guys just don't even consider the idea of watching or knowing that there lady is getting banged to be a turn on, but quite pointedly a real threat to their security.

The man doesn't like the idea. So in my opinion thats that. Find something you both enjoy. Maybe I'm being too shallow but if my wife didn't like it (if I had one lol), then it just would be something I would use to fantasize with but would feel for the sake of the marriage then I'd have to drop the whole idea.

I have seen people change over the years also. Maybe some day you will change, but maybe not too. Mrs. Daisy sounds like she is very dissapointed, but thats ok, a relationship is a give and take thing. Sometimes you don't get what you want, but you find other means to enjoy your lives together. I give MR. Daisy a whole lot of credit for trying, and credit for his honesty.

John.

[hotcpl4unfla]

In the time we have posted here, my wife and I have gone from being "wanna-be's" to "soft swingers". Our situation is this: we have been married for 10 years, and my wife strictly likes to play with women. That's it. End of story. She says she has no desire to be with another man. I believe her, too (wow...a trusting relationship!)Two men are there while we play, but each stays with his/her own. Except the ladies. That's a free-for-all. My wife is definitely bi, and she loves the feel and taste of another woman. People have said to us here, "never say never! She will want another man soon". B.S. Noone knows us except for what we post here. It won't happen. I don't want her with another man..the sight of a sweaty hairy ass pounding her does nothing for me. She doesn't want me with another woman, and I have no desire there either. AS STRANGE AS THAT SOUNDS! We have communicated our desires, and are confident that they will never be broken. We love having same-room sex with this other couple we are with, but the swapping will never happen for us, because WE DON'T FIND IT AROUSING. Some people like watching their significant other with a member of the opposite sex. WE DON'T. It's all up to the couples. YOU guys set your rules and STICK with them. If one person doesn't agree, then DON'T SWING! Jealousy will make a fun situation a miserable one. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her what your desire is about future encounters. Then hear her desires. If you're on the same page, then you are good to go. If not. STOP, REGROUP, and reevaluate how you want it to proceed. Don't let ANYONE ELSE set your ground rules. You ask if you are being unreasonable. Why ask someone else's opinion?? This is about you and your wife and your relationship. Our opinion should mean nothing; since we are not the ones who determine your limits. YOU GUYS do that. IT IS YOUR DECISION! And if we don't like the limits, then OH WELL! (I don't mean all that in a mean way, I'm just trying to make a point)

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by hotcpl4unfla
People have said to us here, "never say never! She will want another man soon". B.S. Noone knows us except for what we post here. It won't happen. I don't want her with another man..the sight of a sweaty hairy ass pounding her does nothing for me. She doesn't want me with another woman, and I have no desire there either. AS STRANGE AS THAT SOUNDS!

I would like to address your anger here. I took the liberty to read ALL of your posts from when you first joined this site as I couldn't figure out why someone be so angry about a statement such as "Never say Never", it's used all the time.

As it turns out I was one of those people that said that in a posting you. This is the thread you are referring to.

http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...6626#post26626

Now lets take a look at this for a moment.

When the terminolgy of "Never say Never" is used in the swinging community it generally refers to the fact that overtime people adjust their rules and boundries. From having read all your posts now, I see where you have changed yours quite drastically since you first began posting. Yes you are still committed to only being with your own spouses, but you were first looking for a bi-fem. Being that they were so elusive, you looked into a couple and you were set on having the men sit back, jerk off and enjoy watching the girls explore.

In the thread listed above which was your first soft swap you were making love to your wife while she was fondling and fingering the other woman. Wouldn''t you say that something changed from your original rules or intentions that you had?

No one here was saying that you or your wife are going to eventually swap partners. We were just suggesting that you keep your mind open, as who knows how much further you'll go than what you originally planned. You may end up in a big king size bed with both men going at their partners while the girls are having a little fun themselves or maybe more. It is all still soft swap and there is nothing wrong with that.

For the record NO ONE here said she will want another man soon. That is what you read into something that was never said as the above thread will show. The words you stated which were "We will never swap" was quoted and then an opinion was given on learning to keep an open mind. No one here would ever try to tell you just how your swinging life is going to turn out. Only you have the power over that.

Lori

[Flori_DAMAN]

Julie's oft repeated slogan that "there are as many different types of swingers as there are swingers" is fitting here. No one is right, wrong, or better at swinging than anyone else considering there personal choice of how they play. What works for one couple may seem like a total turn-off for the next. But its just gotta be fun for both.

John.

[river248]

My guy lost it after our first full swap this weekend. Profiles have come down from different web sites. He says never again will he watch me with another man, and he is slightly upset with me that I was not jealous about seeing him with another woman. I just couldn't get upset; she was great, and the only way I would have gotten jealous is if she overstepped some imaginary boundaries that I have, but she didn't. It was a 4 some, not a 2 some with 2 watching the other 2. Neither of us were left on the sidelines, so to speak. I don't get the jealousy especially as this was his idea in the first place! We have been soft playing with other females for over a year and have talked this over and over, and over some more. He felt he would love to see me with another man. His opinion now is there will only ever be another woman in bed with us, never another couple! I'm okay with that; I don't need another guy, but I'm not okay with his jealousy, and I need to understand why it happened.

A&M

[Brit_Pair]

I hope you won’t think me forward, but I’d say don’t be too hard on your husband, even if seeing you with another man was originally his idea.

On boards such as this, in books and programmes and films on sexuality, and in manuals on how to spice up sex lives, there are cautionary tales about the possible dangers of turning fantasies into reality. But, as far as I’m aware, until that transition is actually made, there is no sure-fire way of knowing if something that excites a person in their mind will still excite them when it happens before their very eyes. You can talk and talk until your vocal cords seize up, but how you react to that transition is impossible to predict with 100% certainty.

For whatever reason, the reality of this particular occasion did not live up to your husband’s fantasy. Only he can tell you why not, and only you will know how far you want to / should pursue the answers. From what you’ve said of his reaction thus far, it’s probably a safe bet that it will require a deft approach.

If you are content with the “women only from now on” situation, it might help to allow some time to pass before you pursue those answers. Perhaps, if it feels right to you both, you could return things to the fantasy stage. If in the midst of fantasising your husband recalls actually seeing you with another man, he may find himself drawing pleasure from his memories. This may enable him to find a clearer perspective on the event, which in turn may allow him to overcome his jealousy and begin to enjoy the realisation of his fantasy.