The Rebirth of Jealousy?

Spoomonkey · 11-19-2006, 01:20 PM

We've had this happen a couple of times lately...

Most notably this weekend. We went out for the fun and atmosphere, but couldn't do much more than that because of my recent surgery and wholly unsexy collection of stitches.

A couple we have played with and like a lot were at the club. They were disappointed that we couldn't do much, but they were understanding we all flirted a lot. As the night progressed though, they hooked up with another couple - and they were kind of funny about it. They snuck off and we saw them heading upstairs. "Good for them," was all I thought - after all, we know that the couple they are hooking up with is going to have a really good time

They are Spoomonkey tested, Spoomonkey approved

They came down a little while later (not a long while later, which surprised me) and acted like they weren't sure how to act around us. Now - the good thing about this couple is they are just really good folks, so we are all able to talk - and since we were just glad to see them again, we picked up right where earlier discussions had left off.

They admitted though that they weren't sure how we'd feel about them heading upstairs with a couple...

They said that they have had a few bad experiences where couples have been upset with them for playing with others - and were worried we might be the same way.

Of course, we weren't/aren't that way! I couldn't play, so we weren't much of an option - and besides, even if I could, sometimes it is just fun to explore new ground with new people. There is plenty of time to play with comfortable, established friends, but when lightening strikes we say go for it! Fun is fun and we are all in this to explore with our partner - not to develop some sort of "new ownership" with another couple.

It is weird to me that I am not supposed to get jealous over my wife playing with another man - but yet it was almost expected that I'd get jealous that my friend and playmate was playing with someone else...

This is just a bizarre mindset to me.

We talked about it and they were relieved - but we were (and always are) surprised that this is ever even a topic of discussion. We want our playmates and friends to get the most out of the lifestyle! We don't expect that just because we are there that they have to play with us - and can't possibly be in the mood for something different.

And - this isn't the first time we've had this come up...

Why is this so common in the lifestyle? Is it okay to be possessive and jealous of playmates when you are sharing someone you actually love with others? What is up with that?

Spoomonkey

PS - After reading this to Mrs Spoomonkey, we couldn't think of a time when couples have said anything about being jealous when we play with others - but we can think of a number of times where couples that we have enjoyed have become inexplicably weird and cold towards us. We've never been able to figure it out - but maybe we have just been naive... Maybe the fact that we don't "go steady" has been the underlying issue... It would make a lot of sense...

gatorvol64 · 11-19-2006, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

It is weird to me that I am not supposed to get jealous over my wife playing with another man - but yet it was almost expected that I'd get jealous that my friend and playmate was playing with someone else...

This is just a bizarre mindset to me.

It confuses the hell out of us, too. Gator says that is almost like they expect this to BE the relationsip. We have a relationship and don't need or what another. Friendships are entirely different. As with any kind of friendship, I am aware that I am not your only friend. And wouldn't really want to be.

Vol & Gator

VanHlebar · 11-19-2006, 02:21 PM

Hey Spoo....

We can't figure it out either. Early on we had two different couples that we had met and played with, they both mentioned to us in a very funny way, that they were still meeting other couples and wanted to make sure we were ok with that. MrsVan and I looked at each other and then them and just said, yea ok.....

It had never occured to us that there might/are couples out there that want to have that kind of relationship with other couples. To us, we are here to explore, have fun and meet great people. We would never ask any single or couple to play only with us and we would hope that none would ask us that either.

We have not yet had any playmates ever act odd towards us, but just the fact that they felt they had to tell us that they were still meeting other folks was kind of wierd to us.

-Van

DBL D · 11-19-2006, 02:47 PM

You know, Spoo. They were interested in you first and it just wasn't going to happen. I'm glad they talked with you about it. Some would just slink away.

I think I'd say the same thing. Glad you had fun...you were with someone new...There'll be another time...Nice to know you are still interested in us after it was over with them...etc.

People are a bit too worried about what choices others make. I say be happy you are in their mix of friends.

M.D.

ohash01 · 11-19-2006, 03:20 PM

I am in general, not a very jealous person. What's the good of that? With swinging, especially when it's a couple you play with regularly, it's probably a little bit like the occasional times you're jealous of your best friend. They're still your best friend...you know you like/love them a whole lot...but suddenly they have something you want...but you're not gonna be an ass and take it from them. So you feel a moment of jealousy, acknowledge it, and move on. I am jealous of my best friend's new car - I want a new car! But I'm not gonna flip out and get weird about it. Jealousy is a natural human emotion - and even seasoned swingers can't always "turn it off".

If you're not in a "relationship" with the other couple...it's probably just a "Oh - we feel kinda bad...we got to play...you didn't...wanted to make sure you didn't hate us." People (me included) can be insecure sometimes. Spoo - they just didn't want to lose the wonderfulness that is you and Mrs. Spoo. So they had to check up afterwards. Make sure you were cool. It kinda makes sense.

Spoomonkey · 11-19-2006, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohash01

Spoo - they just didn't want to lose the wonderfulness that is you and Mrs. Spoo. So they had to check up afterwards. Make sure you were cool. It kinda makes sense.

I don't want this to be taken wrong, so I thought I'd point it out. The couple is great - they are mature enough to talk to us about it, to make sure we weren't bothered. So I had no problem with them making sure we were okay.

But, I am surprised that they have apparently run into that problem a lot. That is just a weird part of the lifestyle to me. I can't imagine it.

Spoomonkey

11-19-2006, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I don't want this to be taken wrong, so I thought I'd point it out. The couple is great - they are mature enough to talk to us about it, to make sure we weren't bothered. So I had no problem with them making sure we were okay.

But, I am surprised that they have apparently run into that problem a lot. That is just a weird part of the lifestyle to me. I can't imagine it.

Spoomonkey

Spoo,

Like MrVan said we run into this problem as well and do not really get it. Yes MrVan and I will joke about friends of ours when they tell us about another couple they played with and say things like "they found someone new and frown" but we are never serious about it. Our friends know our sense of humor with it and they joke back just the same. We feel that we are all in the lifestyle to not only make new friends but to also add more fire to an already amazing sex life. We do not want to be with only one couple and do not ever expect that of those partners we play with.

I think it is for some the mentality of high school where you can only be friends with one person at a time and heaven forbid you have other friends. But you would think as adults our mindset has changed but unfortunately there are many out there that get extremely jealous when you mention another couple.

It is great that you and this other couple feel comfortable with each other enough to be able to talk about it. I am sure for them it was also just the factor that you could not play because of the surgery and they didnt want to make it look like they were rubbing it in.

MrsVan

FloridaFlirt · 11-19-2006, 05:53 PM

Just my thoughts on this....

Could "rejection" possibly be a factor behind it? Could a couple feel rejected if they know of a couple they have played with playing with someone else? As in..."gee, I guess we're not good enough for them, so they went somewhere else..."

What I don't get is couples that we know hiding the fact that they see other couples besides us....we are not mutually exclusive to anyone--not even to each other, really! ROFL

Spoomonkey · 11-19-2006, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FloridaFlirt

JCould a couple feel rejected if they know of a couple they have played with playing with someone else? As in..."gee, I guess we're not good enough for them, so they went somewhere else..."

The same thing could be said for couples in general. I mean - why in the world would Mrs Spoo want to have sex with someone other than me?

Hey - we do have our favorite playmates, but we can't/don't play with them all the time. There are other friends and different types of experiences and that variety and adventure is the reason a couple decides to swing in the first place.

Spoomonkey

Spoomonkey · 11-19-2006, 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrsVan

...rubbing it...

I know I am horny when this is the only part of your post that I read

Spoomonkey

WesternSwing · 11-19-2006, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FloridaFlirt

Just my thoughts on this....

Could "rejection" possibly be a factor behind it? Could a couple feel rejected if they know of a couple they have played with playing with someone else? As in..."gee, I guess we're not good enough for them, so they went somewhere else..."

What I don't get is couples that we know hiding the fact that they see other couples besides us....we are not mutually exclusive to anyone--not even to each other, really! ROFL

I think feelings of rejection is a part of it. At least we've observed this often.

We've also seen where couples feel they can only be with one couple at a time - and as has been said - give us the cold shoulder when they start playing with someone else.

We've also seen where couples get jealous if we play with others, but they can play with whomever they please.

It is weird since they get jealous over you playing with another couple but not over you playing with their spouse. It's probably a self-esteem issue. You know your spouse thinks the world of you, but swinging is allot like dating and having partners playing with others can give some a real feeling of inadequacy and rejection.

Mr. WS

**good times** · 11-20-2006, 02:37 PM

Good topic Spoo. We have had a couple of experiences that we thought were a little weird for this reason.

Some time back we had a couple we played with that we became good friends with. We would do non-swinging things with them like barbeques at each other house and camping and such. Then we had some swinging friends from out of town coming for a visit and they started to get weird on us. They were constantly saying things to us that seemed like they were trying to undermine our visit with our friends. After our friends left they asked us if we had had a good time with them and we indicated that we had, in fact, had a great time. They immediately started acting very jealous and it struck us as odd for a lot of the reasons given above. After that they never seemed to get over it and acted totally different towards us, and our relationship with them as friends went down hill to the point that we don't see them as friends any more.

We always took it for granted that we swing to have recreational sex with others and never gave it a thought if someone we had played with before was playing with someone else. After this experience though, we will now usually bring the subject up with people we have played with before that we run into at the club because we don't want to have to deal with this kind of drama again.

Spoomonkey · 11-20-2006, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by good times

After that they never seemed to get over it and acted totally different towards us, and our relationship with them as friends went down hill to the point that we don't see them as friends any more.

That really stinks and I am sorry that happened to you guys. Knowing you both, I have to say they gave up some good friends! What a shame...

Our fear is that right now we seem to be where we want to be with the lifestyle - or definitely heading in the right direction. We have some good friends and a pretty good circle of friends. But I really hope it doesn't get to the point where we have to sneak around to meet friends like we're a couple of high school kids sneaking out of the house!

The good news is, we seem to have a group of friends now that "gets it". I don't really think it will be an issue. But - you just never know, do you?

Spoomonkey

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11-19-2006, 01:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
Spoomonkey Chimpin' Ain't Easy Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 6,739 Location: Ohio Status: Married Monkeys - will you be our vine? Swing Lifestyle Name:Spoomonkey	The Rebirth of Jealousy? We've had this happen a couple of times lately... Most notably this weekend. We went out for the fun and atmosphere, but couldn't do much more than that because of my recent surgery and wholly unsexy collection of stitches. A couple we have played with and like a lot were at the club. They were disappointed that we couldn't do much, but they were understanding we all flirted a lot. As the night progressed though, they hooked up with another couple - and they were kind of funny about it. They snuck off and we saw them heading upstairs. "Good for them," was all I thought - after all, we know that the couple they are hooking up with is going to have a really good time They are Spoomonkey tested, Spoomonkey approved They came down a little while later (not a long while later, which surprised me) and acted like they weren't sure how to act around us. Now - the good thing about this couple is they are just really good folks, so we are all able to talk - and since we were just glad to see them again, we picked up right where earlier discussions had left off. They admitted though that they weren't sure how we'd feel about them heading upstairs with a couple... They said that they have had a few bad experiences where couples have been upset with them for playing with others - and were worried we might be the same way. Of course, we weren't/aren't that way! I couldn't play, so we weren't much of an option - and besides, even if I could, sometimes it is just fun to explore new ground with new people. There is plenty of time to play with comfortable, established friends, but when lightening strikes we say go for it! Fun is fun and we are all in this to explore with our partner - not to develop some sort of "new ownership" with another couple. It is weird to me that I am not supposed to get jealous over my wife playing with another man - but yet it was almost expected that I'd get jealous that my friend and playmate was playing with someone else... This is just a bizarre mindset to me. We talked about it and they were relieved - but we were (and always are) surprised that this is ever even a topic of discussion. We want our playmates and friends to get the most out of the lifestyle! We don't expect that just because we are there that they have to play with us - and can't possibly be in the mood for something different. And - this isn't the first time we've had this come up... Why is this so common in the lifestyle? Is it okay to be possessive and jealous of playmates when you are sharing someone you actually love with others? What is up with that? Spoomonkey PS - After reading this to Mrs Spoomonkey, we couldn't think of a time when couples have said anything about being jealous when we play with others - but we can think of a number of times where couples that we have enjoyed have become inexplicably weird and cold towards us. We've never been able to figure it out - but maybe we have just been naive... Maybe the fact that we don't "go steady" has been the underlying issue... It would make a lot of sense...
	__________________ "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." - C. S. Lewis

11-19-2006, 02:21 PM	#3 (permalink)
VanHlebar Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 711 Location: Here Status: S	Re: The Rebirth of Jealousy? Hey Spoo.... We can't figure it out either. Early on we had two different couples that we had met and played with, they both mentioned to us in a very funny way, that they were still meeting other couples and wanted to make sure we were ok with that. MrsVan and I looked at each other and then them and just said, yea ok..... It had never occured to us that there might/are couples out there that want to have that kind of relationship with other couples. To us, we are here to explore, have fun and meet great people. We would never ask any single or couple to play only with us and we would hope that none would ask us that either. We have not yet had any playmates ever act odd towards us, but just the fact that they felt they had to tell us that they were still meeting other folks was kind of wierd to us. -Van

11-19-2006, 02:47 PM	#4 (permalink)
DBL D Oh...Why not?... Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 2,312 Location: Northern Call-ee-forn-ee-ah Status: Married Couple	Re: The Rebirth of Jealousy? You know, Spoo. They were interested in you first and it just wasn't going to happen. I'm glad they talked with you about it. Some would just slink away. I think I'd say the same thing. Glad you had fun...you were with someone new...There'll be another time...Nice to know you are still interested in us after it was over with them...etc. People are a bit too worried about what choices others make. I say be happy you are in their mix of friends. M.D.
	__________________ "Just nod if you can hear me..." David Gilmour

11-19-2006, 03:20 PM	#5 (permalink)
ohash01 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 535 Location: Ohio Status: Single Female	Re: The Rebirth of Jealousy? I am in general, not a very jealous person. What's the good of that? With swinging, especially when it's a couple you play with regularly, it's probably a little bit like the occasional times you're jealous of your best friend. They're still your best friend...you know you like/love them a whole lot...but suddenly they have something you want...but you're not gonna be an ass and take it from them. So you feel a moment of jealousy, acknowledge it, and move on. I am jealous of my best friend's new car - I want a new car! But I'm not gonna flip out and get weird about it. Jealousy is a natural human emotion - and even seasoned swingers can't always "turn it off". If you're not in a "relationship" with the other couple...it's probably just a "Oh - we feel kinda bad...we got to play...you didn't...wanted to make sure you didn't hate us." People (me included) can be insecure sometimes. Spoo - they just didn't want to lose the wonderfulness that is you and Mrs. Spoo. So they had to check up afterwards. Make sure you were cool. It kinda makes sense.

11-19-2006, 05:53 PM	#8 (permalink)
FloridaFlirt Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 71 Location: Um....Florida? Status: a polyamorous "W"	Re: The Rebirth of Jealousy? Just my thoughts on this.... Could "rejection" possibly be a factor behind it? Could a couple feel rejected if they know of a couple they have played with playing with someone else? As in..."gee, I guess we're not good enough for them, so they went somewhere else..." What I don't get is couples that we know hiding the fact that they see other couples besides us....we are not mutually exclusive to anyone--not even to each other, really! ROFL

11-20-2006, 02:37 PM	#12 (permalink)
good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,919 Location: Reno, Nevada Status: Married to Mrs Good Times Swing Lifestyle Name:randp	Re: The Rebirth of Jealousy? Good topic Spoo. We have had a couple of experiences that we thought were a little weird for this reason. Some time back we had a couple we played with that we became good friends with. We would do non-swinging things with them like barbeques at each other house and camping and such. Then we had some swinging friends from out of town coming for a visit and they started to get weird on us. They were constantly saying things to us that seemed like they were trying to undermine our visit with our friends. After our friends left they asked us if we had had a good time with them and we indicated that we had, in fact, had a great time. They immediately started acting very jealous and it struck us as odd for a lot of the reasons given above. After that they never seemed to get over it and acted totally different towards us, and our relationship with them as friends went down hill to the point that we don't see them as friends any more. We always took it for granted that we swing to have recreational sex with others and never gave it a thought if someone we had played with before was playing with someone else. After this experience though, we will now usually bring the subject up with people we have played with before that we run into at the club because we don't want to have to deal with this kind of drama again.
	__________________ R (He is R, she is P)

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