Wife insecure and jealous

Hi all! I'm desperatly seeking advice. Please help! Short background of my relationship. It's one of almost 4 years and has an amazing amount of emotional rides. My partner is definitly insecure, but very commited to working this relatinship out. Too make a long story short, the relationship is pretty much one sided as far as swinging. It's not a problem as long as it's mostly to her benifit. Fact is, I've had a really hard time with this. How can I handle this situation and get my partner to want to please me as much as I do her?

[JustAskJulie]

You said that she's insecure, with that in mind it makes sense that she would want any swinging to be one sided. By allowing attention to herself she gets attention and it may help her security issues (at least temporarily), and by not allowing you to do so it does the same thing. By allowing you to play it would make her more insecure.

This isn't a good thing by any means, and the best thing for both of you would probably be to not swing at all.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Hi all! I'm desperatly seeking advice. Please help! Short background of my relationship. It's one of almost 4 years and has an amazing amount of emotional rides. My partner is definitly insecure, but very commited to working this relatinship out. Too make a long story short, the relationship is pretty much one sided as far as swinging. It's not a problem as long as it's mostly to her benifit. Fact is, I've had a really hard time with this. How can I handle this situation and get my partner to want to please me as much as I do her?

I think (this is completely jmo) that she is insecure herself.....perhaps is worried that you will like one of these women more than her, etc. Now, I dont know her so I cannot presume anything. Or, there are some out here who are simply selfish. I'll be honest, some do have the "its all about me" attitude. I don't know her so I can't presume to say. But I do feel that it is unfair for her to think its okay for her to be pleasured and enjoy the lifestyle while you enjoy your hand. That is selfish to me, unless the man truly is okay with it. If you are upset about it I say you need to communicate that to her. I would tell her how I feel, as simple as that.

[SouthBond]

I think that she is basically jealous. My wife played the same game. She was all for taking on another man but kept saying that she wasn't sure about me being with another woman. To make a long story short, we met another couple and did everything. Now, she doesn't have any hangups. But I wouldn't let it drag on and on. It's like going through initiation. Go ahead and do everything that you mind can think of. It will not work unless everybody gets to participate.

[Spoomonkey]

My problem is that I have always felt that swinging shouldn't be about "tit for tat". It isn't an "you did this - so you owe me" sort of thing. But at the same time everyone should be willing to establish boundaries and play within those, as mutually agreeable and enjoyable for everyone.

I am not sure what your agreement was going into it - but if you had none, you need to step back and make one. If you said she could have her fun, hoping that she would allow you to have yours when you dmended it, you made a mistake at the outset. And if you both agreed to let each other have fun - but then she bait and switched you, well - she is in the wrong... Pull back and discuss...

Either way - it is time to step out of the lifestyle and stay out until you are both ready to make it about you two as a couple. Anything less is just asking for trouble.

Spoomonkey

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My partner is definitly insecure, but very commited to working this relatinship out.

Is she really? Or does she just think she is? No offense intended, I just think that a committment to making a relationship work is highly dependant on how willing we are to improve ourselves to be the best person we can be for our spouses. This includes a concerted effort to evolve past our glass ceilings of insecurity.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Too make a long story short, the relationship is pretty much one sided as far as swinging. It's not a problem as long as it's mostly to her benifit. Fact is, I've had a really hard time with this. How can I handle this situation and get my partner to want to please me as much as I do her?

Quite simple: refuse to swing. There is no need to apologize for this. The way I see it, your wife does not yet understand what swinging is, and what it is she's asking of you. She has no incentinve to strive for that understanding if you're just going to cave in and go along with it, even though you don't like it, understand it, or agree with it.

I would suggest paraphrasing her request of you: "Sooooo, what you're saying then...is that you value your comfort more than my emotional well-being?...that you choose your selfish wants over my needs as a human being?...that you would choose swinging over our relationship?...etc". Just add whatever fits. She needs to be made to understand that she is IMPOSING upon you, and that is simply unfair. Trust me, she'd be whining if it was you doing the same to her. Being someone's spouse doesn't make it okay to treat them unfairly, rudely or unfeelingly. Supposed to be just the opposite.

I can't help but get the impression of two kids fighting and yelling "Mom, she's not sharing!" "Mom, he ate the last cookie!" etc, etc. I'm going through this with my kids as we speak. This phrase really says volumes: How can I handle this situation and get my partner to want to please me as much as I do her? In other words, you feel that you've "done enough" for her, and now you're waiting for "your turn/payback". Hmm. Seems a bit to me like giving the birthday girl her birthday present in the expectation that she'll be obligated to go to your birthday for the ultimate purpose of getting a gift from her in return. Now don't take that too hard; I'm sure she's in the same mindset, thinking that the world (or maybe just you) owes her something. If you want to swing, you're going to have to learn more about it, and the first thing you'll need to understand is that it's a gift, not an askance. You give it as a gift to one another without expecting anything in return. If it's anything other than that, you'll find that it's going to corrode your relationship.

Have a look at the FAQ and getting started sections for more information.

[allaboutsunfun]

Gee, what a response! Thanks to all. Since we are into this good let me give a background of my experience. It is purely a disasterous one relationship wise. However with experience (good and bad) comes wisdom. As far as my beliefs... I believe that if you can't be as open with your partner as you are with your best friend, your in trouble. I also believe that couples that play together stay together. There seems to be so many couples out there that don't have a close enough relationship with each other. From day one, I have had to earn any respect and trust I have got from my partner. She is simply an insecure and jealous person, even over some of the smallest things. Never in our time have I given her a reason to not believe in me. Every swinging experience that we've had was purely a gift to her with no expectations (hell, I enjoyed a little myself ), however as this stuff was happening I recieved some pretty spectacular promises from her.
There were some really good comments made in response my post. Someone stated something like she was feeding her insecurity, there no doubt about that. She requires a ton of attention, that I don't have a problem with. However, I don't believe in a relationship with double standards! I guess a lot of you are wondering why the hell I would want to stay with her. That's starting to be a good question to myself. If she could get over these insecure ways, there's no doubt that it could be an incredible relationship. By comments she's made, I believe that deep inside her, she would ejoy trusting, commited, one set of standards relationship as much as myself. Thanks everybody! Any adivce on how to make this woman get over the insecure crap will be greatly appreciated.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by allaboutsunfun

By comments she's made, I believe that deep inside her, she would ejoy trusting, commited, one set of standards relationship as much as myself. Thanks everybody! Any adivce on how to make this woman get over the insecure crap will be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to the board, btw.

I think you're right. I used to be insanely jealous, even freaking out that my husband looked at porn magazines. It probably didn't help that I was 8 months pregnant at the time, but even after that, I dieted like crazy to get my figure back...because I figured that's what he wanted. Otherwise, why would he look at airbrushed Barbie dolls if he didn't need to? Apparently I wasn't filling his needs. Every little thing he did was a reflection of his feelings for me, and his value for our relationship. Until I got beyond that, until I started to trust that he meant exactly what he said when he told me that these other women were just fun to look at and think about and that it didn't make him feel any less love or attraction to me...well I was a mess. The kind of trust that is there now is more liberating than anything I've ever experienced. And it's as simple as believing him. Trouble is, you can't do much about that. If you've given her no reason to distrust you and every reason to believe you, you've done all you can do. There are a few things you can't force, like love, trust, belief, or the willingness to care. If she chooses not to believe or trust you, you can't make her.

The only alternative I can see is to bring to her attention exactly what it is that she's doing to you and your relationship by refusing to trust you. If you NEED your partner to make herself vulnerable enough to trust you at this level, it's only fair that you tell her so. Swinging is awesome, but not because of the sex. It's awesome because it forces you to strip away the bullshit and see things the way they really are. Usually what's left is something beautiful and simple and totally unshakeable. Sometimes, though, people strip off the everyday exterior of their relationships to find that they've got some major structural damage...perhaps even irreparable damage or damage so severe that they fnd they don't have the emotional resources needed to fix it. Often, these are the people who claim that "swinging ruined our marriage". But the thing is, it only resists as much as you do. The only thing holding anyone back is their own self. Some people can wade into it and they find, like a pool of water, they enjoy swimming in it and the freedom it affords them. Feels pretty good. For someone like your wife, that same pool of water might feel a little different doing a belly-flop from the top of the Golden Gate bridge.

[telly2]

I can understand her position, it is very difficult to see your mate with another woman. Especialy if you are insecure.

I need to ask, do you play with couples, or solo artists. If it is solo artists then i recomend couples, if it is couples then you have a bigger problem than it being one sided, you have couples that are probably getting upset.

I would say either way hold off the swinging, and get to the root of her insecurities. Does she need more compliments etc to feel good about herself, is it a weight issue, of what ever she has to love herself before this is going to be resolved, maybe counseling is a good thing for her to get through this, to find out why she is so insecure. was it a past relationship that destoyed her. i have too many theories to this that more info is needed. All i know this lifestyle can be an emotional nightmare, if you are at all insecure.

Good luck in this indevour

[SexyDeuce]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Welcome to the board, btw.

I think you're right. I used to be insanely jealous, even freaking out that my husband looked at porn magazines. It probably didn't help that I was 8 months pregnant at the time, but even after that, I dieted like crazy to get my figure back...because I figured that's what he wanted. Otherwise, why would he look at airbrushed Barbie dolls if he didn't need to? Apparently I wasn't filling his needs. Every little thing he did was a reflection of his feelings for me, and his value for our relationship. Until I got beyond that, until I started to trust that he meant exactly what he said when he told me that these other women were just fun to look at and think about and that it didn't make him feel any less love or attraction to me...well I was a mess. The kind of trust that is there now is more liberating than anything I've ever experienced. And it's as simple as believing him. Trouble is, you can't do much about that. If you've given her no reason to distrust you and every reason to believe you, you've done all you can do. There are a few things you can't force, like love, trust, belief, or the willingness to care. If she chooses not to believe or trust you, you can't make her.

The only alternative I can see is to bring to her attention exactly what it is that she's doing to you and your relationship by refusing to trust you. If you NEED your partner to make herself vulnerable enough to trust you at this level, it's only fair that you tell her so. Swinging is awesome, but not because of the sex. It's awesome because it forces you to strip away the bullshit and see things the way they really are. Usually what's left is something beautiful and simple and totally unshakeable. Sometimes, though, people strip off the everyday exterior of their relationships to find that they've got some major structural damage...perhaps even irreparable damage or damage so severe that they fnd they don't have the emotional resources needed to fix it. Often, these are the people who claim that "swinging ruined our marriage". But the thing is, it only resists as much as you do. The only thing holding anyone back is their own self. Some people can wade into it and they find, like a pool of water, they enjoy swimming in it and the freedom it affords them. Feels pretty good. For someone like your wife, that same pool of water might feel a little different doing a belly-flop from the top of the Golden Gate bridge.

Wow I think that was very well written.

[allaboutsunfun]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Welcome to the board, btw.

I think you're right. I used to be insanely jealous, even freaking out that my husband looked at porn magazines. It probably didn't help that I was 8 months pregnant at the time, but even after that, I dieted like crazy to get my figure back...because I figured that's what he wanted. Otherwise, why would he look at airbrushed Barbie dolls if he didn't need to? Apparently I wasn't filling his needs. Every little thing he did was a reflection of his feelings for me, and his value for our relationship. Until I got beyond that, until I started to trust that he meant exactly what he said when he told me that these other women were just fun to look at and think about and that it didn't make him feel any less love or attraction to me...well I was a mess. The kind of trust that is there now is more liberating than anything I've ever experienced. And it's as simple as believing him. Trouble is, you can't do much about that. If you've given her no reason to distrust you and every reason to believe you, you've done all you can do. There are a few things you can't force, like love, trust, belief, or the willingness to care. If she chooses not to believe or trust you, you can't make her.

The only alternative I can see is to bring to her attention exactly what it is that she's doing to you and your relationship by refusing to trust you. If you NEED your partner to make herself vulnerable enough to trust you at this level, it's only fair that you tell her so. Swinging is awesome, but not because of the sex. It's awesome because it forces you to strip away the bullshit and see things the way they really are. Usually what's left is something beautiful and simple and totally unshakeable. Sometimes, though, people strip off the everyday exterior of their relationships to find that they've got some major structural damage...perhaps even irreparable damage or damage so severe that they fnd they don't have the emotional resources needed to fix it. Often, these are the people who claim that "swinging ruined our marriage". But the thing is, it only resists as much as you do. The only thing holding anyone back is their own self. Some people can wade into it and they find, like a pool of water, they enjoy swimming in it and the freedom it affords them. Feels pretty good. For someone like your wife, that same pool of water might feel a little different doing a belly-flop from the top of the Golden Gate bridge.

Damn, you should have your own TV show! Thanks a lot. Everything you say is exactly the way I feel. I'm really about over it. There is quite a bit of damage as well as broken promises on her part. I believe that couples that acheive this level of security with their relationship will be together forever. Your right, it's not about the sex. It's about love, trust, and honor. You really couldn't have described it any better. I wish swinging were called something else almost. I think it scares a lot of people away.

Question for you. If this relationship don't work out, is there a place singles can meet that believe in this lifestyle.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by allaboutsunfun

Gee, what a response! Thanks to all. Since we are into this good let me give a background of my experience. It is purely a disasterous one relationship wise. However with experience (good and bad) comes wisdom. As far as my beliefs... I believe that if you can't be as open with your partner as you are with your best friend, your in trouble. I also believe that couples that play together stay together. There seems to be so many couples out there that don't have a close enough relationship with each other. From day one, I have had to earn any respect and trust I have got from my partner. She is simply an insecure and jealous person, even over some of the smallest things. Never in our time have I given her a reason to not believe in me. Every swinging experience that we've had was purely a gift to her with no expectations (hell, I enjoyed a little myself ), however as this stuff was happening I recieved some pretty spectacular promises from her.
There were some really good comments made in response my post. Someone stated something like she was feeding her insecurity, there no doubt about that. She requires a ton of attention, that I don't have a problem with. However, I don't believe in a relationship with double standards! I guess a lot of you are wondering why the hell I would want to stay with her. That's starting to be a good question to myself. If she could get over these insecure ways, there's no doubt that it could be an incredible relationship. By comments she's made, I believe that deep inside her, she would ejoy trusting, commited, one set of standards relationship as much as myself. Thanks everybody! Any adivce on how to make this woman get over the insecure crap will be greatly appreciated.

Okay, this is what I think. I think you should print your post here, and sit her down, and let her read it. You need to communicate these feelings to her. Hey, I know you love her. And I know that something has probably happened in her past that has caused this. BUT you have a life too, and you have to be careful that you don't become a little moon revolving around her planet, just kind of existing to the point that she allows. A marriage/relationship is about 2 equal people, not one dictating to the other. She is your wife, not you Mom. I'm NOT cutting her down, I'm telling you the truth. We know someone where he only talks when she talks, its strange. He will answer your questions, but will really only re-iterate what she says. Its like he is her puppet. As far as earning her respect. Can I ask you if you have ever done anythng to lose her trust, like cheating? If you have never given her cause to distrust you than she needs to deal with her issues. But you are as much a part of the relationship as she is, and entitled to just as much pleasure. Thats JMO.

[allaboutsunfun]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

Okay, this is what I think. I think you should print your post here, and sit her down, and let her read it. You need to communicate these feelings to her. Hey, I know you love her. And I know that something has probably happened in her past that has caused this. BUT you have a life too, and you have to be careful that you don't become a little moon revolving around her planet, just kind of existing to the point that she allows. A marriage/relationship is about 2 equal people, not one dictating to the other. She is your wife, not you Mom. I'm NOT cutting her down, I'm telling you the truth. We know someone where he only talks when she talks, its strange. He will answer your questions, but will really only re-iterate what she says. Its like he is her puppet. As far as earning her respect. Can I ask you if you have ever done anythng to lose her trust, like cheating? If you have never given her cause to distrust you than she needs to deal with her issues. But you are as much a part of the relationship as she is, and entitled to just as much pleasure. Thats JMO.

Thanks a ton shelly... your right. I'm really about to the point of no return on this. She's had way more than enough time to do soul searching. I can't continue to live like this, that's for sure! You ask if i've cheated or anything like that. The answer is absoultly not. As a matter of fact, I've worked very hard to earn her trust; way more than I ever should have had to. This is simply a big mess. Like I said before, deep inside her, I see a person that wants to defeat her ways. She just simply can't do it. I don't see that going to change at this point. She simply is not going to get a grip. Maybe I need to break it off with her to see if she'll realize what she has been doing to our relationship. Either way somethings got to give! Thanks a whole bunch!

[Tybee Swing]

Hi allaboutsunfun,

You sound like a very mature, caring, sensitive, generous and giving partner. If you really are like you seem to be, you will make some appreciative woman very happy. There are millions of single women searching the globe for you, right now! Wouldn't you love to be treated with the same care and generosity of spirit that you have, in return? When you find it, it's blissful.

Originally Posted by allaboutsunfun

Someone stated something like she was feeding her insecurity, there no doubt about that. She requires a ton of attention, that I don't have a problem with. However, I don't believe in a relationship with double standards! I guess a lot of you are wondering why the hell I would want to stay with her. That's starting to be a good question to myself.

The girl you've described through this thread is what's known as high maintenance. This girl is a deep well of neediness. You can give, give, give, and it's never enough. Some people will try, thinking one day they'll make a person like this happy, and it never works out that way. One day they wake up all used up without a drop left to give, and they finally stop trying. The double-standard mentality is part of who she is, because everything's all about her and what she needs. I agree with Shell, cut bait and make yourself happy. Find someone who can be a true partner in your life.

A person can't manufacture inner peace, sincerely caring for others, the ability to put someone else's needs as equally important as their own, a positive nature, a generous heart, and the ability to trust those who've earned it. You need to find somebody who already owns these traits, if you value these things in a partner.

Originally Posted by allaboutsunfun

Question for you. If this relationship don't work out, is there a place singles can meet that believe in this lifestyle.

Like most of us, even married ones, it starts with building connections. Often a great place to start is with the online profiles. If you see yourself in the future as a single man who seeks a loving mate who will one day want to share in this Lifestyle with you, you can actually find this online, too. I personally know a couple who met each other on AFF (adultfriendfinder.com) as two single people, who are now happily married and swinging together as a couple. Meanwhile, make friends with a few classy, quality couples who are good people, and get brought into their circles of friends. You may get invited to socials via couple friends. Swinger friends could introduce you to the single ladies they know that are in the Lifestyle.

Whatever you do.....best wishes to you!

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by allaboutsunfun

Damn, you should have your own TV show! Thanks a lot. Everything you say is exactly the way I feel. I'm really about over it. There is quite a bit of damage as well as broken promises on her part. I believe that couples that acheive this level of security with their relationship will be together forever. Your right, it's not about the sex. It's about love, trust, and honor. You really couldn't have described it any better. I wish swinging were called something else almost. I think it scares a lot of people away.

Question for you. If this relationship don't work out, is there a place singles can meet that believe in this lifestyle.

I'll PM you.