Why am I jealous of online flirting but not of actual physical swinging situations

Hello everyone!

I am hoping that you may be able to assist me with a current situation I am facing. My husband and I are new to the lifestyle but have been active on the board here and have had experience in the lifestyle. The problem that I am facing is that we have met this amazing couple and we all seem to be hitting it off really well. We use IM as a way to get to know the other couple better before we meet up and then to stay in contact with until our next time we can get together. My situation is this:

My husband and the other wife, seem to be hitting it off really well and at times I feel like they both spend a great amount of time talking via IM. Although I never ask to read his chats and he does offer them to me, I feel like I am invading his space and that it makes me look as if I do not trust him and that just is not the case. I notice during the day that when he is away she is away, but when he becomes available she becomes available. I find that they talk in the mornings, afternoon and in the evenings while my husband and I are sitting around relaxing with the family. The husband and I talk but not as much as they do.

I guess for us we have experienced this type of situation but in reverse. When we were new to the lifestyle the excitement and newness of it all when we found a couple that had an interest, I found myself getting caught up in conversation with the other husband (different couple) and realized that my husband was getting upset with me because of the amount of communication between the husband and I. After much discussion, I backed off of much of the communication with the husband as I realized the affects it was having on my husband and realized it was the newness of it all that had me caught up in the moment. But now that the table is reversed, I am feeling what he was feeling and although I know that it is all innocent I just cannot seem to get over that and at times when I see that their talking I tend to get upset again. Why? When I know that it is innocent flirting and conversation and that I can see the conversations if I want, why does it bother me so much? Is what I am feeling normal? And if so, how do I get past this?

He has since sent me the chat's so that I can read them and I have not been through all of them as of yet. And I know that it is all innocent flirting but when I start to read them and start to see the flirting that is going on (again all innocent) I feel sick to my stomach and then start to get upset again. I do not get this way when we are out with other couples or singles in public but why does the online flirting bother me so much? Is it because it is in writing whereas when we are all out at a club, etc I do not know what is being said and therefore because of that it does not bother me?

Can anyone relate to how I am feeling and if you have, how do you get past this? I know my husband loves me more than I can imagine and I him as well. And he has stated if he needs to back off on the communication he will, but I just feel guilty for asking him to do this when I know it is all innocent.

Please help me to get over this...Any advise would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Confused

[riswingcpl]

In our experience, the feelings you're having aren't all that uncommon for folks new to the lifestyle. G had the same kind of issues at first. It all boils down to trusting each other, and the longer you're in this lifestyle, the more that trust will grow...assuming everyone plays by the rules...and your anxieties will ease. If the four of you are " hitting it off really well", then it's natural that he'll want to talk to her, getting to know her better.

The fact that your husband is willing to share the IMs with you is a good sign...he's not trying to hide anything. We are the same way...G is free to look at any chats I have, either with a wife or husband. She usually will, just to keep up with what's going on, but sometimes she just asks if there's anything she should see. But don't feel like you're "invading his space". In a swing relationship, the "space" belongs to you both, and it sounds like he's trying to keep you in that space. Try sitting down with him while he's chatting with her, and get involved with the conversation. You'll probably lessen your uneasiness as well as getting to know the other wife better yourself.

M

[VanHlebar]

Well we do something very similar to this. MrsVan reads most of my chats and I read most of her chats. Once we get comfortable with a couple/single then really all we do is just talk about them when we are with each other.

I don't think that what you are feeling is unusual at all. I would just remember that in the end, it is for fun. Remember that your husband is there for the pleasure of the other wife and for you. As long as you both are staying open with each other, which is sounds like he is trying to do that, then everything should be fine.

Enjoy the fun that is going on and hopefully things will continue to progress for you.

-Van

[EvilMJ]

We generally don't chat for one reason - it borders too much on a relationship and that is not why we got into the lifestyle. I chat with people as friends, often just on the ususal mundane stuff - who is going to the party, what's new, but no real flirting.

I am confident in my relationship with my husband, but we work a lot and family time is important to us, if he was spending a lot of time chatting to some other woman I am sure I would feel a certain amount of irritation, especially if he had told me to stop doing that very thing previously.

To his credit he does save chats for you to read, so he is not hiding anything. But it is just like anything else in the lifestyle, if it is causing stress or someone to be uncomfortable, then stop.

[havefuninsun]

We both save chats we have with others ... mostly just to keep up with what's going on. We're not hiding anything from each other ... and it helps to keep our communication open as well. For instance, if I read something that sets of some alarm, we can talk about it, and vice versa. I think I'd feel a lot like you though -- keep the chats limited. At most, once per day ... it will help you feel better.

[dallmax1]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

We generally don't chat for one reason - it borders too much on a relationship and that is not why we got into the lifestyle. I chat with people as friends, often just on the ususal mundane stuff - who is going to the party, what's new, but no real flirting.

I am confident in my relationship with my husband, but we work a lot and family time is important to us, if he was spending a lot of time chatting to some other woman I am sure I would feel a certain amount of irritation, especially if he had told me to stop doing that very thing previously.

To his credit he does save chats for you to read, so he is not hiding anything. But it is just like anything else in the lifestyle, if it is causing stress or someone to be uncomfortable, then stop.

I agree with EvilMJ. We don't use chat at all, but if we did, I don't think we would chat with our FWB. We aren't looking for that type of relationship with them. We get together, have hot sex and then e mail each other a day later thanking them for the hot sex. The next commincation with them is to discuss when we can meet up again and have some more hot sex facelick

The little time in a givin day we (wife and I) are alone (around 2 hours) I wouldn't communicate with our FWB, I would be spending time with her.

Thats my .02 worth

[Lumina]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I find that they talk in the mornings, afternoon and in the evenings while my husband and I are sitting around relaxing with the family. The husband and I talk but not as much as they do.

I have no doubt from what you've posted that they are innocent, but the above tells me that the chatting with her is taking away time from you and your family. Just because it's innocent doesn't mean it can't be upsetting to you. If he were spending all this time with an X-box it would be just as innocent and just as upsetting I'd bet.

Kudos to him for being open and sharing all the chats. I'm feeling that the issue here is not that he's being inappropriate, but that you're feeling left out. If that's the case I would ask him to cut the chatting down to times when you can do it together.

[ohash01]

Chatting is tricky. We've run into this problem with BOTH of us being the guilty party at one point or another. I save the conversations for a while...but then when my computer overheats and turns itself off (as it frequently does) they are all lost. Important convos I will leave right up on the screen so that when J. gets off at midnight he can read them, even if I'm already in bed. There is a couple that we have become very good real-life friends with and most of the time she and I just talk about shopping and movies and stuff and then J. goes "this is it? blah. how boring."

Now...I sit here alone all night while J. works, so me farting around online at night is no big deal...I have no family to hang out with, no dinner to get on the table...I've got nothin'. So, my obscene amounts of chat time aren't taking away from anything important.

If you are comfy with the conversations and that doesnt' worry you, then I would say your only concern should be to make sure it doesn't take away from family time. When it does, that's too much.

[Alura]

VanHlebar wrote:

Well we do something very similar to this. MrsVan reads most of my chats and I read most of her chats. Once we get comfortable with a couple/single then really all we do is just talk about them when we are with each other.

I think Van is right on this one. To my way of thinking, it isn't intrusive to read their chats or even be present and involved while they're going on. As we've all seen on this board communication is the single most improtant facet of successful swinging. But you have to communicate.

You can't just say, "Well, I'm not going to involve myself here..." To do so, in my opinion is shirking your duties. Instead, you should say to yourself, "Gosh! I haven't been keeping up on my part of communication. I must take time to familiarize myself with their chats so I can communicate with my husband about them."

If your husband were trying to hide something it would, of course, be a bad sign but he isn't. He's asking you to share. You need to accept the invitation and join in wholeheartedly.

Did I say "in my opinion" often enough?

Mr. Alura

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Hello everyone!

I am hoping that you may be able to assist me with a current situation I am facing. My husband and I are new to the lifestyle but have been active on the board here and have had experience in the lifestyle. The problem that I am facing is that we have met this amazing couple and we all seem to be hitting it off really well. We use IM as a way to get to know the other couple better before we meet up and then to stay in contact with until our next time we can get together.

We use chat exactly the same way you described here. #1, get to know them better and what they like before we meet. #2, Stay in touch and plan future get-togethers.

However, your husband and the other wife chatting every, morning, noon and night, is more than this.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My situation is this:
My husband and the other wife, seem to be hitting it off really well and at times I feel like they both spend a great amount of time talking via IM. Although I never ask to read his chats and he does offer them to me, I feel like I am invading his space and that it makes me look as if I do not trust him and that just is not the case.

I disagree. It doesn't mean you don't trust just because you want to know what they're talking about. It doesn't mean you're invading his space. You two are in swinging TOGETHER, as a couple. You're involved with this couple as a couple. You're a team.

My husband and I leave every chat up on the screen if we chat separately, so that the other can read to catch up later. By doing this, we both know everything that the other knows about "our" playmate and friend. If just one of us was chatting all day long with one, we'd be developing our own special relationship separately from our spouse. Innocent or not, this is separation, and it's not the two of you getting to know this couple (or, this other wife) together, as equals. He's having much more of a relationship/friendship with her than you are.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I notice during the day that when he is away she is away, but when he becomes available she becomes available.

It sounds like she's only available to him, then. She knows his schedule and she's just talking to him. I wouldn't like that, either.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I find that they talk in the mornings, afternoon and in the evenings while my husband and I are sitting around relaxing with the family. The husband and I talk but not as much as they do.

RED FLAG: this would bother me. Of COURSE your husband should cut this back. He's busy chatting with her through the day, when obviously you need some attention. So does your family.

Sharing sex with couples in our spare time doesn't bother me a bit. Obviously it doesn't bother you a bit, either. But sharing personal, intimate time, and daily, all through the day? That's a whole different matter, to me. That wouldn't fly. That's not swinging either, by the way. It sounds like a crush.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

.....although I know that it is all innocent I just cannot seem to get over that and at times when I see that their talking I tend to get upset again. Why? When I know that it is innocent flirting and conversation and that I can see the conversations if I want, why does it bother me so much? Is what I am feeling normal? And if so, how do I get past this?

You feel upset and it bothers you because in your heart, it's not all innocent, as you say. You tell yourself it's innocent, and in a sense it may be, but it's also a crush, it's intimate, you're excluded, and you can feel that. Their warm/fuzzy, daily all day friendship is cutting into your time and your intimacy with your husband. He talks to her more than to you. Any woman would feel the way you do, I believe.

How do you get past it? You don't have to get past it, you can express your feelings to your husband, make sure he hears and respects your feelings.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

He has since sent me the chat's so that I can read them and I have not been through all of them as of yet. And I know that it is all innocent flirting but when I start to read them and start to see the flirting that is going on (again all innocent) I feel sick to my stomach and then start to get upset again. I do not get this way when we are out with other couples or singles in public but why does the online flirting bother me so much? Is it because it is in writing whereas when we are all out at a club, etc I do not know what is being said and therefore because of that it does not bother me?

It's because you're being excluded. In public with other couples, that's you and your husband as a team, united and everything being experienced together. You are included when you're out meeting people as a couple, and you feel good about that. But, you're excluded when he's online with this woman all day long, and talking more to her than to you. It doesn't matter that you have permission to read what they're saying every day. What matters is the inclusion/exclusion of the situation, and how it makes you feel.

By only being available online when he's on, she's saying to you (whether she's aware of it or not), "I only want to talk to him - you're not part of this". I'd put money on it that she's got a crush on your husband. If you don't like it, just open up and tell everybody that it's not cool, it's crossing a line.

Hugs!

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

You feel upset and it bothers you because in your heart, it's not all innocent, as you say. You tell yourself it's innocent, and in a sense it may be, but it's also a crush, it's intimate, you're excluded, and you can feel that.

It's because you're being excluded. In public with other couples, that's you and your husband as a team, united and everything being experienced together. You are included when you're out meeting people as a couple, and you feel good about that. But, you're excluded when he's online with this woman all day long, and talking more to her than to you. It doesn't matter that you have permission to read what they're saying every day. What matters is the inclusion/exclusion of the situation, and how it makes you feel.

By only being available online when he's on, she's saying to you (whether she's aware of it or not), "I only want to talk to him - you're not part of this". I'd put money on it that she's got a crush on your husband. If you don't like it, just open up and tell everybody that it's not cool, it's crossing a line.

Hugs!

Your gut is telling you there's something going on. Don't deny the feeling, and don't let your guilt keep you from talking about it. It may be fairly harmless, at least, for now, but unless you let him know that you aren't comfortable with the conversations, etc., this will probably continue--leading to resentment on your part. Resentment = very bad. Communication = good.

He felt comfortable enough with you to let you know that he wasn't comfortable with your talking with another hubby, so you should feel ok with letting him know about your uneasiness.

Also, if it's yahoo chat, you can archive messages.

Pepper

[wifes_sex_slave]

Hi,

I'm not much for the chats, I find it too time consuming myself, but my better half (Gladiola4u) likes to communicate with several friends. She is from a Central American country and has lots of friends down there as well as here.

For her, at times will sit all evening after our little guy goes to bed and chat with "whomever". I have no problems with this as we have a few computers all beside each other and we include each other in online conversations. It can be very fun and quite interesting.
I do agree, that anything (chatting, game playing, whatever) that consumes too much of your "family" time is not a good thing, no matter day or night.

There have been times that I feel the same way but it is not a trust issue - she speaks Spanish and I don't - so when she is with her friends south I feel a little left out, and have asked her to "include" me - and this is what your issue sounds like to me - feeling left out. What you need to do with each other (and he is trying by the sounds of it), it get together in your chatting and have fun with it. It is much better when you have 2 PC's but not everyone can.

You should both be in this together as that's the core of swinging WITH your partner. There is nothing wrong with getting to know the couples you wish to play with as more knowledge usually helps.

[hotcouple14]

We don't use chat except for the basics(making plans, quick hello, etc...) However, I would tell your husband how you feel. Swinging is about you and your husband. One of the best things my wife does, is tell me if I do something she feels uncomfortable with. I had a wife approach me about meeting without her husband. My wife had already told me something didn't feel right about her. We immediately stopped hanging out with them.

Never feel bad about invading his space. Swinging is for both of you. To be honest we have all but eliminated our bad experiences by openly telling each other when we're not comfortable with a person. If I don't find the woman attractive(physical or personality) then we don't pursue that couple. If she is not "feeling" the man and woman then we don't get intimate. Neither one of us has to give a concrete reason. Cause swinging should be FUN not work.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by hotcouple14

One of the best things my wife does, is tell me if I do something she feels uncomfortable with. I had a wife approach me about meeting without her husband. My wife had already told me something didn't feel right about her. We immediately stopped hanging out with them.

YEAH! Chalk one up for women's intuition. When women hear that small voice inside, we have to listen to it. Women know women...I tell my husband this often, and he believes me now. LOL

Originally Posted by hotcouple14

Never feel bad about invading his space. Swinging is for both of you. To be honest we have all but eliminated our bad experiences by openly telling each other when we're not comfortable with a person. If I don't find the woman attractive(physical or personality) then we don't pursue that couple. If she is not "feeling" the man and woman then we don't get intimate. Neither one of us has to give a concrete reason. Cause swinging should be FUN not work.

Great advice, hotcouple.

[ShellyM]

Yeah, I can relate to the OP to a degree. I don't know, what can I say. In my opinion women are very territorial. Its okay for you to screw my husband in a physical sense, but to me when you chat you get an emotional connection, and its this emotional connection that threatens alot of women. You aren't alone. I am not jealous at all, I get ticked off when I feel like Jay is not saying things favorably about me.....he is a notorious joker and this somtimes gets on my nerves. Say that to anyone, but not another woman for goodness' sakes lol. But thats my issue that I deal with lol. But I think you need to talk with him asap about how you are feeling.