Jealous over IM's? Chatting? Swapping? WTF?

My fiancee, Bob, and I have been activily swinging for a little over a year now. We got into this lifestyle with a fmf anf things sprung from there. We have been with 3 couples only. Full swap with all.
We make a huge effort to form online relationships with these couples. Usually Bob will do alot of the pre-sex chatting, email, etc. It's generally daily back and forth. I have a hard time chatting with someone if I have not met them.
He thinks there is no need for communication until we plan on seeing them again so I am usually the one on the follow up stuff. I think this is rude. Kinda 'Wham, bam thank you ma'am' and I insist on keeping up the level of communication that we had before sex-at the very least, reply to emails and IM's.
This might not seem like a big deal but it has been a HUGE problem for us. Mainly because almost all of the chatting done by these couples is done by the male half. Bob thinks that it is weird that I continue chatting with these 'guys' after having sex with them. I figure, it was just the guys chatting before we had sex, there really isnt that much difference?
The first couple, Alex and Kim, the first time we got along with really well. It was our very first time and it was a 5 hour event. It was so much fun! I was very much excited by it, and thought Bob was on the same page. Over the course of the next week, I chatted daily with Alex. Bob expressed his jealousy and made numerous complaints. We talked about it, I apologized, he apologized and I stopped chatting with him and Bob took over. And immediatly set up a play date. We all started playing and Bob decided it wasn't going to happen. I jumped up, quickly and left. On the ride home, he tells me he can't be with them because I have a relationship with Alex and that bothers him. He is intimidated by Alex's sexual prowlness and not attracted at all to Kim which doesn't matter because she isn't attracted to him (he tells me) and it didnt have a good time the first time, he was just being nice, and he was really pissed off that i had so much fun and he didn't.
I say OK, sorry to have you feel that way, I didn't really understand, yadda yadda. I stop talking to Alex and after a few weeks, he stops IMing and emailing. (I never knew what to tell him and really? should I have been obligated to tell him anything? 'My man is intimidated by you?')A few months later, and a shit load of communication, we are cool.
The second couple, Josh and Jill, we immediatly click with. Both of us. Our first naked experience with them was awesome! We had a great time. I figure I should be honest when Bob asks me if I had a good time, so I tell him YES! Jill has my number and we talk back and forth every few weeks and make a few playdate arrangements. Bob decides Josh and Jill are more itnerested in me, Jill isnt attracted to him and they are more interested in fmf and that makes him uncomfortable (and it should) And again, he is upset that I had more fun than him. So, we wean ourselves off of them, slow things down, but Bob and I like them as people and we agree we all should try and stay friends.
Our last couple we met about a month ago. Bob and I both chatted with Jeff prior to meeting them. Lilly, the wife, hates to be on the computer so its just Jeff. We meet them out and have a fantastic time. Lilly is very much into Bob and it turns me on to see how incrediably agressive she is with him. So i figure, awesome. She is very obviously attracted to him, Jeff is pretty hot himself, let's give it a try! All of us vote for separate room which I think will reallt help Bob-all of Lilly's focus will be on him, he wont get jealous. Bob and Lilly had a great time and although I did to, I made a MAJOR effort to be less enthusiastic about it to Bob. And the difference was amazing. He wasn't getting jealous over the daily chatting. No isses with it at all. I figure, wow maybe he has gotten over this jealousy thing. Cool. He was so receptive to Lilly and Jeff that we actually ended up meeting twice more that week. All those meetings require communication so I was on the puter, Im'ing away.
Jeff and I chatter back and forth each day, Lilly comes on occasionally just to cam chat with Bob. Things are going great! And suddenly, not so great. The last time we were with them, I made mention of how much fun I had. I was smiling ear to ear. Almost always after we swing, for a few weeks or so, I get incrediably horny and I want Bob all the time. Well, no difference this time except he has decided that I am only horny because I want Jeff. He started freaking out about our chatting. I asked him if he wants me to stop and he says 'no, ill get over it' but he feels that Jeff and I are developing a relationship that doesn't include Bob and Lilly. I do disagree but I can see his point. and I point out that most of our chats are about Bob and Lilly.
I am not by nature an touchy feely person, Bob is. He says that after we swap, I really need give him more affection and attention. I point out that although I do not give him any less attention, affection after we swap, I will do my best. It seems like a reasonable request. The problem is he becomes downright CLINGY.
Sorta a different subject...but it all ties in.
Now, a while back, Bob was cybering a single girl. I knew he was talking to single girls and I was okay with it, I figured if anything exciting happened, he would tell me. I dont chat with single men. He *forgot* to tell me and didnt realize I was archiving all of our chats. I found out, confronted him, and he said he had no idea I had archieved it and I asked him not to do that again, dont be dishonest. I feel like this is cheating. He apologized and promised never again.
A few months later, I check the site we are on and find a few emails from a sinlge lady saying 'sorry I couldnt get the chat to connect, try again' I say, Bob-whats this? Did you try and chat with her? He says No, must be a computer glitch. I know he is lying. I dont care that he tried to chat with her, but to lie? Thats messed up. He later on confesses to lying about trying to chat with her and we have it out. I told him, thats two times, two lies.
About 6 weeks ago, before we met Jeff and Lilly, Bob stayed up till 2 in the morning. I get up in the morning and check the history and see all these chat request that go denied. 30ish, 40ish all to single women. I ask him Did you chat with anyone last night? Nope. I tell him that TRYING to chat is something that he should mention. He tells me that when I am not home he cannot seem to get off the computer. He spends hours at a time, trying to chat with single women. He asks me to password the computer so he no longer has access to it. So I did, although I cannot seem to understand this pattern of behavior.
So, I have access to the computer. I am arranging all of our meetings, I am doing all of the chatting (Unless I sign him on) I do all of this because when I ask him if he wants to stop swinging, he says no. He doesnt. He likes having sex with other women. He just doesnt like me having sex with other guys. Or talking to them. I am not a jealous peron, at all and I think that bothers him. I think he wants me to be a little more put out when he has a good time with another lady. The next day, when I am not upset, I think it makes him even more upset and why the hell do we want to be upset in swinging?
I do not know what to do.
I do not cam chat. Bob cam chats.
All of our chats and emails are archieved, Bob has access to everything that happens.
Every couple we have met has Bob's number. Both the guy and the girl. Jill has mine, I dont give it out.
Every couple has his private email address. I dont give mine out.
When we are with couples and swap, Bob appears to be having a great time, its just afterwards that sucks.
I am sorry this is long, I know, its just hard because I do not know what else to do.
So what do you think? Do you have any thoughts? I rambled terribly, so please feel free to ask for clarification. I dont know if I am asking for specific advice...maybe opinions? If anyone else has gone through this PLEASE let me know how you got through it.
Thanks!

[fun4Ds]

jelousy over a pewter is not good. we dont seem to ever erase any archives or hide any chats whene one of us chats we actually use the archives so we both know what was said, not as proof of anything but just so every one is on the same page with any plans, and flirting is just part of it as far as camming for sex (just to see) we found that all the girls on the yahoo net were just cyberbots to a pay site, and that can lead to pewter trouble pop ups. now we did have some action on the Swing Lifestyle site with guys telling that we could all meet for cam sex at a certain time as couples .well that never happend either (wife never available) eccept for 2 guys one who got the privlage of seeing mrs.fun with her toy so he blows his wad on a sock yes i said a SOCK actually were are thinking a dirty one. and that was just a little two freaky even for us. now the other guy really had us convinced that his wife would be involved (be home soon) and mrs.fun gave me one hell of a blowjob they just never got online again. so all that cybering was in vain and not to fun. we wern't swinging solo and neither was any couples we had played with so that in its self kinda did away with any jelousy on the pewter. now with any jelousy hubby was havin with the couples you have played with sounds like ya need to STOP untill everything, EVERYTHING is worked out. there is nothing wrong with taking a break.

[JTcamp05]

Great post, I just get the feeling BOB is not ready to be swinging, he just doesnt mind a little on the side. Sounds like you on the other hand are well adjusted and open minded, I personaly can't see the problem with chatting with people you have slept with, I really think BOB needs to undertsand that if your going to have sex with people and want to continue this some sort of relationship will develop, I don't see that as a bad thing, isnt the sex better with someone who you are comfortable with?

Mabye you could communicate to BOB that this need to develop a relastionship with people you screw is important and nessary for you to enjoy swinging. Really if your just screwing people with no attachment what so ever.....why not get a hooker or pick up some dude in a bar....right????

[fun4Ds]

open minded yes. well adjusted? always working on that one.

[Amanda69]

Sounds like Bob is okay with one night stands but concerned about anything beyond that as it might threaten your relationship.

It would have been interesting to be a fly on the wall during your encounters to observe Bob. Did he have a great time but just prefers one night, no strings? Did he spend the night watching you and seething in jealousy? Did he have difficulties performing and that is why he claims the other female is not interested?

Sounds like it is time to sit down for a good old Chat about what you both want from the lifestyle for your relationship. Being on the same page is very important.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here---Amanda has it quite correct. If Bob wants no attachments, casual sex and you are looking for friends that are also lovers, you need to discuss that. Personally, I've done 'meet and mate' and I've played with regular friends. I prefer friends, because it's more than just a sex act (not that there's anything wrong with that), it's much more fun. Then again, my friends that are lovers have been really great.

[neoparadigm]

I think Bob and Neo should hang out..trade girls for good and never look back..! lol!

[neoparadigm]

You two must stop swinging immediately.. The trust needed to swing must come from a deep and loving relationship that can sometimes take years to develop. You must never do anything that is remotely uncomfortable for your partner. STOP STOP STOP!!!

Work on yourselves, first, re establish the beautiful connection that attracted you two in the first place and after you both know that swinging is not the main reason you are together, then you could possibly reconsider it. Until then, shut off the chat and IM with others and focus on the most important thing you two must have. RESPECT!

[jennandjamesinm]

Originally Posted by neoparadigm

You must never do anything that is remotely uncomfortable for your partner. STOP STOP STOP!!!

Until then, shut off the chat and IM with others and focus on the most important thing you two must have. RESPECT!

You know - you should take your own advice.

[neoparadigm]

Hey... I'm a changed man now..!
It's not fair to hold me to my past..

did you like my post?

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by neoparadigm

did you like my post?

Make up a new persona, Neo is getting boring to us.

[neoparadigm]

i love everybody. you're next.

sounds like bullshit to me...

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by neoparadigm

You two must stop swinging immediately.. The trust needed to swing must come from a deep and loving relationship that can sometimes take years to develop. You must never do anything that is remotely uncomfortable for your partner. STOP STOP STOP!!!

Work on yourselves, first, re establish the beautiful connection that attracted you two in the first place and after you both know that swinging is not the main reason you are together, then you could possibly reconsider it. Until then, shut off the chat and IM with others and focus on the most important thing you two must have. RESPECT!

I'm impressed. You could pass for a completely ethical, respectful, has-his-shit-together decent kinda guy. I'd almost think you've got an MA in Bullshit.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by neoparadigm

i love everybody. you're next.

sounds like bullshit to me...

Ask any of my friends. But none of them would talk to a guy like you long enough for you to ask.

[CandPinSA]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My fiancee, Bob, and I have been activily swinging for a little over a year now. We got into this lifestyle with a fmf anf things sprung from there. We have been with 3 couples only. Full swap with all.
We make a huge effort to form online relationships with these couples. Usually Bob will do alot of the pre-sex chatting, email, etc. It's generally daily back and forth. I have a hard time chatting with someone if I have not met them.
He thinks there is no need for communication until we plan on seeing them again so I am usually the one on the follow up stuff. I think this is rude. Kinda 'Wham, bam thank you ma'am' and I insist on keeping up the level of communication that we had before sex-at the very least, reply to emails and IM's.
This might not seem like a big deal but it has been a HUGE problem for us. Mainly because almost all of the chatting done by these couples is done by the male half. Bob thinks that it is weird that I continue chatting with these 'guys' after having sex with them. I figure, it was just the guys chatting before we had sex, there really isnt that much difference?
The first couple, Alex and Kim, the first time we got along with really well. It was our very first time and it was a 5 hour event. It was so much fun! I was very much excited by it, and thought Bob was on the same page. Over the course of the next week, I chatted daily with Alex. Bob expressed his jealousy and made numerous complaints. We talked about it, I apologized, he apologized and I stopped chatting with him and Bob took over. And immediatly set up a play date. We all started playing and Bob decided it wasn't going to happen. I jumped up, quickly and left. On the ride home, he tells me he can't be with them because I have a relationship with Alex and that bothers him. He is intimidated by Alex's sexual prowlness and not attracted at all to Kim which doesn't matter because she isn't attracted to him (he tells me) and it didnt have a good time the first time, he was just being nice, and he was really pissed off that i had so much fun and he didn't.
I say OK, sorry to have you feel that way, I didn't really understand, yadda yadda. I stop talking to Alex and after a few weeks, he stops IMing and emailing. (I never knew what to tell him and really? should I have been obligated to tell him anything? 'My man is intimidated by you?')A few months later, and a shit load of communication, we are cool.
The second couple, Josh and Jill, we immediatly click with. Both of us. Our first naked experience with them was awesome! We had a great time. I figure I should be honest when Bob asks me if I had a good time, so I tell him YES! Jill has my number and we talk back and forth every few weeks and make a few playdate arrangements. Bob decides Josh and Jill are more itnerested in me, Jill isnt attracted to him and they are more interested in fmf and that makes him uncomfortable (and it should) And again, he is upset that I had more fun than him. So, we wean ourselves off of them, slow things down, but Bob and I like them as people and we agree we all should try and stay friends.
Our last couple we met about a month ago. Bob and I both chatted with Jeff prior to meeting them. Lilly, the wife, hates to be on the computer so its just Jeff. We meet them out and have a fantastic time. Lilly is very much into Bob and it turns me on to see how incrediably agressive she is with him. So i figure, awesome. She is very obviously attracted to him, Jeff is pretty hot himself, let's give it a try! All of us vote for separate room which I think will reallt help Bob-all of Lilly's focus will be on him, he wont get jealous. Bob and Lilly had a great time and although I did to, I made a MAJOR effort to be less enthusiastic about it to Bob. And the difference was amazing. He wasn't getting jealous over the daily chatting. No isses with it at all. I figure, wow maybe he has gotten over this jealousy thing. Cool. He was so receptive to Lilly and Jeff that we actually ended up meeting twice more that week. All those meetings require communication so I was on the puter, Im'ing away.
Jeff and I chatter back and forth each day, Lilly comes on occasionally just to cam chat with Bob. Things are going great! And suddenly, not so great. The last time we were with them, I made mention of how much fun I had. I was smiling ear to ear. Almost always after we swing, for a few weeks or so, I get incrediably horny and I want Bob all the time. Well, no difference this time except he has decided that I am only horny because I want Jeff. He started freaking out about our chatting. I asked him if he wants me to stop and he says 'no, ill get over it' but he feels that Jeff and I are developing a relationship that doesn't include Bob and Lilly. I do disagree but I can see his point. and I point out that most of our chats are about Bob and Lilly.
I am not by nature an touchy feely person, Bob is. He says that after we swap, I really need give him more affection and attention. I point out that although I do not give him any less attention, affection after we swap, I will do my best. It seems like a reasonable request. The problem is he becomes downright CLINGY.
Sorta a different subject...but it all ties in.
Now, a while back, Bob was cybering a single girl. I knew he was talking to single girls and I was okay with it, I figured if anything exciting happened, he would tell me. I dont chat with single men. He *forgot* to tell me and didnt realize I was archiving all of our chats. I found out, confronted him, and he said he had no idea I had archieved it and I asked him not to do that again, dont be dishonest. I feel like this is cheating. He apologized and promised never again.
A few months later, I check the site we are on and find a few emails from a sinlge lady saying 'sorry I couldnt get the chat to connect, try again' I say, Bob-whats this? Did you try and chat with her? He says No, must be a computer glitch. I know he is lying. I dont care that he tried to chat with her, but to lie? Thats messed up. He later on confesses to lying about trying to chat with her and we have it out. I told him, thats two times, two lies.
About 6 weeks ago, before we met Jeff and Lilly, Bob stayed up till 2 in the morning. I get up in the morning and check the history and see all these chat request that go denied. 30ish, 40ish all to single women. I ask him Did you chat with anyone last night? Nope. I tell him that TRYING to chat is something that he should mention. He tells me that when I am not home he cannot seem to get off the computer. He spends hours at a time, trying to chat with single women. He asks me to password the computer so he no longer has access to it. So I did, although I cannot seem to understand this pattern of behavior.
So, I have access to the computer. I am arranging all of our meetings, I am doing all of the chatting (Unless I sign him on) I do all of this because when I ask him if he wants to stop swinging, he says no. He doesnt. He likes having sex with other women. He just doesnt like me having sex with other guys. Or talking to them. I am not a jealous peron, at all and I think that bothers him. I think he wants me to be a little more put out when he has a good time with another lady. The next day, when I am not upset, I think it makes him even more upset and why the hell do we want to be upset in swinging?
I do not know what to do.
I do not cam chat. Bob cam chats.
All of our chats and emails are archieved, Bob has access to everything that happens.
Every couple we have met has Bob's number. Both the guy and the girl. Jill has mine, I dont give it out.
Every couple has his private email address. I dont give mine out.
When we are with couples and swap, Bob appears to be having a great time, its just afterwards that sucks.
I am sorry this is long, I know, its just hard because I do not know what else to do.
So what do you think? Do you have any thoughts? I rambled terribly, so please feel free to ask for clarification. I dont know if I am asking for specific advice...maybe opinions? If anyone else has gone through this PLEASE let me know how you got through it.
Thanks!

Hi neo....

f off moron. At least get better bait. If I'm wrong and this is legit... my apologies.

C