swinger emotions -help-

Hi,I'm a married male (39)who swings with a 28 year old female that is also marred we been doing this for 4 years, my wife comes home every other weekend because of her job. I pay her to come over to clean my house and everything and my wife wants her to do al this because my wife says she knows i'm ok if i'm with her , over the years i have watched out for her,help her out in whatever she needed but she is having trouble with her hubby but the husband is ok with me being with her and her hanging out with me all the time. but over this past year it has seemed like my emotions has been disrupted and i'm not sure what to do, when i talk to i had asked how we was, she says we are good and that everything is ok. so am i jelious.or is there more i'm not seeing

[CA91709]

Mr. CA of the Mr. & Mrs. CA team posting...
I can be pretty dense sometimes, so bare with me as I try to understand.

You and your wife are a couple who swings, and you've hired a friend to clean your home. Have you and your wife swung with this friend before? It kinda sounds like it, since she (your wife) is okay with her being at your home while she's away. Also your friend's husband doesn't seem to mind your friend being there at your home. Let me know if I've misread that point.

Are you getting emotionally involved with your friend since she's been having problems with her husband?

[Chicup]

I read it as his swing 'partner' is not his wife but the other woman and now he is feelings for her?

Maybe?



Or maybe he is falling for the other woman who he and his wife had played with?

Maybe?

[CuriousInOregon]

Ok Im totally confused. You are married but your wife is gone except every other weekend? You have a friend that cleans your house that is also married.... You and the Friend Swing together, Both your wife and the other husband husband know about this and dont care? You feel like your having Emotional Ties to this "friend" and dont know what to do about it? DID I GET THAT RIGHT?

[Miss_Piggy]

My best advice for dealing with unexpected (unwanted) feelings is to just observe them without acting. If you have to (and you probably will), distance yourself from your friend. The feelings will pass. Guaranteed.

[WesternSwing]

It sounds to me like you are getting feelings for you swing partner. Unless you, your wife, her, and her husband are ready for a poly realtionship it would be best to stop seeing her altogether. You're responsibility is to your primary relationship: your wife. Everything else out there is just icing.

Mr. WS

[intuition897]

Airwolf, I think we need some clarification. Now, you swing with the housekeeper, right? As in, have sex with her. Your wife wants her to come over and 'clean and everything' and she's ok with that because she knows you're 'ok' with the housekeeper. Now, does this 'and everything' include sex? Your wife and her husband are both aware of your sexual relationship with your housekeeper?

If this is all correct, it sounds to me like perhaps you and your wife need to spend a little more one-on-one time together reconnecting. Unless you are interested in developing multiple long-term relationships (in which case, a good polyamory board would give better advice), deviating from your primary relationship does not really fit the swinger profile.

hi again yes you are all right, yes she cleans my house, yes we have sex. yes my wife wants her to.we both been swinging for over 6 years. we both have been with this couple for 4 years. the huband is ok with it, but they have been having problems for a few years to olny be getting worse.yes i aM HAVING FEELINGS..but she has helped me in times when i didn,t think i could keep going. and i have helped her, my wife knows how i feel, but i am looking for a different thought on the matter.or is it just me..

[WesternSwing]

That does clarify it a bit. In my opinion, even though you've helped her through things, etc., etc., marital problems are different. I would discontinue the relationship with her and urge her to work on her marriage first. Swinging is clouding the issue at hand for her. I don't see any good coming from it. Hearts are going to get broken. Anger is going to replace reason. I think you're best to step away until she gets her primary relationship in order, one way or the other.

Mr. WS

[intuition897]

I agree with Western; urge her to resolve the problems in her marriage first. If, after everyone is fully satisfied with the resolution, you and she want to develop a deeper relationship (one that includes the L word, and I don't mean lesbian), that is something that only the four of you can decide is good or not.

That's called polyamory, and while it's close kin to swinging, it's a different camp altogether. Our focus is on the primary relationship (husband and wife + playmates) and theirs is on expanding upon the primary relationship to develop secondary and tertiary (or more) relationships (wife+husband+wife+...). If this is your interest, just google polyamory. There are plenty of resources out there for those interested in it, I'm sure. Hope this helps!

[L&R]

Originally Posted by Airwolf

hi again yes you are all right, yes she cleans my house, yes we have sex. yes my wife wants her to.we both been swinging for over 6 years. we both have been with this couple for 4 years. the huband is ok with it, but they have been having problems for a few years to olny be getting worse.yes i aM HAVING FEELINGS..but she has helped me in times when i didn,t think i could keep going. and i have helped her, my wife knows how i feel, but i am looking for a different thought on the matter.or is it just me..

[R here] I think the 1st issue I have- is the Pay part. How much have you been paying for her (housekeeping) services? When you start mixing money with sex things can get messy. 4. If you cut out the money, would the hubby have a problem with you continuing to swing with his wife? 5. Can you trust this woman?(housekeeper)? 6. Has the L word been used, and if so who said it first?

It's not right to steal the cow, if the farmer has been kind enough to let you have the milk for "free". But then again, if the Farmer has been selling you the milk....

If you have developed Love with this woman and she truely loves you! and not her husband....She needs to leave him, or vis a versa (you may need to leave your wife...or fire the maid...anyway when the dust settles maybe their will be atleast 1 couple left standing...or you could lose everything. I know I'm gonna catch hell on this one....it's just my opinion. Please don't murder me.

If the above relationship is not developing....you need to cut this couple?? loose. Find a new maid.
{L here} had to sign back in to edit this...R's advise to leave your wife was bad(he's been spanked) have you considered this woman and/or couple might just be playing/rolling you? it happens...you leave your wife, then in six months the maid takes whatever you have left and gets back together with hubby, and you push a shopping cart down Santa Monica! If she(maid) comes to work with bruises then offer her a spare room, and install some security..(R says become a 3-some)

[2BwthUorNot]

Originally Posted by L&R

[R here] I think the 1st issue I have- is the Pay part. How much have you been paying for her (housekeeping) services? When you start mixing money with sex things can get messy. 4. If you cut out the money, would the hubby have a problem with you continuing to swing with his wife? 5. Can you trust this woman?(housekeeper)? 6. Has the L word been used, and if so who said it first?

It's not right to steal the cow, if the farmer has been kind enough to let you have the milk for "free". But then again, if the Farmer has been selling you the milk....

If you have developed Love with this woman and she truely loves you! and not her husband....She needs to leave him, or vis a versa (you may need to leave your wife...or fire the maid...anyway when the dust settles maybe their will be atleast 1 couple left standing...or you could lose everything. I know I'm gonna catch hell on this one....it's just my opinion. Please don't murder me.

If the above relationship is not developing....you need to cut this couple?? loose. Find a new maid.
{L here} had to sign back in to edit this...R's advise to leave your wife was bad(he's been spanked) have you considered this woman and/or couple might just be playing/rolling you? it happens...you leave your wife, then in six months the maid takes whatever you have left and gets back together with hubby, and you push a shopping cart down Santa Monica! If she(maid) comes to work with bruises then offer her a spare room, and install some security..(R says become a 3-some)

What this all about?? I'm very confused??

Sounds to me that the husband has been trying to figure out what the hell is going on because you haven't been truthful. He's tring to figure things out on his own because he asked you several times, in a different manner, and you wouldn't answer truthfully! He appears to be snooping at a time when inside family influences have taken ovewr the computers in the house and caused unreversable havoc. Tempers have risen to the boiling point because you don't believe a word he says. I don't blame the husband for being pissed off. I would even suggest he prays the coals of Heaven rain down on your head. You have blamed him for everything from the Big Bang Theory to Armmegedeon. I suggest you quickly remove yourself from swinging and alt.profiles and reaquaint yourself with your emotions and his. There is mending to do even if the relationship doesn't survive. He loves and always will love the child, care for him and enforce custody or his visits with the millions of dollars he has at his disposal. There are bankrolls saved for just such a purpose from the grandpaco and grandpacoma and all 10 kids' families also, to preserve marriage rights and children like this. He loves you and wishes you no harm. Tensions have developed to a point there is no compromise.

Wrap yourself in a newly sewn quilt, enjoy a cup of tea, close YOUR eyes, see what you can see, Do YOU see the way it was to be? Do YOU not dream with heart of love? are the dreams burning inside YOU and command YOU, follow only sexual desire? Inner voices beck and reason today, good angel this way bad angel that, changes your mind, at the drop of a hat, Think close about what you'll say, he listens to all, yesterday...today...and tomarrow

[L&R]

Originally Posted by 2BwthUorNot

What this all about?? I'm very confused??

Sounds to me that the husband has been trying to figure out what the hell is going on because you haven't been truthful. He's tring to figure things out on his own because he asked you several times, in a different manner, and you wouldn't answer truthfully! He appears to be snooping at a time when inside family influences have taken ovewr the computers in the house and caused unreversable havoc. Tempers have risen to the boiling point because you don't believe a word he says. I don't blame the husband for being pissed off. I would even suggest he prays the coals of Heaven rain down on your head. You have blamed him for everything from the Big Bang Theory to Armmegedeon. I suggest you quickly remove yourself from swinging and alt.profiles and reaquaint yourself with your emotions and his. There is mending to do even if the relationship doesn't survive. He loves and always will love the child, care for him and enforce custody or his visits with the millions of dollars he has at his disposal. There are bankrolls saved for just such a purpose from the grandpaco and grandpacoma and all 10 kids' families also, to preserve marriage rights and children like this. He loves you and wishes you no harm. Tensions have developed to a point there is no compromise.

Wrap yourself in a newly sewn quilt, enjoy a cup of tea, close YOUR eyes, see what you can see, Do YOU see the way it was to be? Do YOU not dream with heart of love? are the dreams burning inside YOU and command YOU, follow only sexual desire? Inner voices beck and reason today, good angel this way bad angel that, changes your mind, at the drop of a hat, Think close about what you'll say, he listens to all, yesterday...today...and tomarrow

????? Now we're confused! where did Airwolf say anything about children and stuff like that? what's this all about and why did you quote us?

[RnLinohio]

OK i agree with L&R i am confused about that last post from 2bewithuornot.

HELP

[FunFriend]

I too am confused by many of the messages in this thread. However, the gist of what Airwolf seems to be saying is that he is having very strong feelings for his swing partner and she in turn is in a rocky spot in her marriage. In turn, Airwolf's wife is "ok" with the set up. Assuming i have the facts straight, it seems to me the problem here is alot of unresolved emotions for your swing partner. As a married man who just came out of a 10 month relatively serious relationship with another woman, i do understand that you can fall in love and be in love with more than one person. However, keeping perspective is essential. For me, i always knew my wife was and is and will be my primary relationship. Do you and your wife have this understanding? Is it true for you? No one can legislate your emotions, but i think you need to be careful not to overestimate your feelings for your swing partner and underestimate your feelings for your wife. Sounds like your wife has been away at work alot and you are busy caring for your partner so confussion is natural. Maybe you should try to slow things up with your swing partner, heat them up with your wife and try to get you bearings back. Good luck!