Interested but uncomfortable with the idea of seeing him with someone else

[celebrety]

My partner and I both have an interest in this but I am bothered by the fact that I don't think I can deal with him being with someone else. I have not told him this yet.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by celebrety

My partner and I both have an interest in this but I am bothered by the fact that I don't think I can deal with him being with someone else. I have not told him this yet.

Well there's your answer! This is something you'll need to tell him ASAP, because you sure don't want to get yourselves in the middle of play situation, hoping you'll be able to just fudge your way through it, and then realize that, no! this really disturbs me! Now I don't feel the same way toward him after having seen him on top of another woman (or under, or behind, or...whatever). And when it comes time to argue about it after the party's over, he's going to be angry that you didn't let him know you weren't okay with it beforehand. I'm assuming you are planning on discussing this with him, as you said you haven't told him yet. That's good. Excellent communication skills are something that cannot be stressed enough.

This is slightly off topic, but I think some people, men or women, whose partner suggests swinging are hurt and angry and imagine that they are expected to go through with it. But instead of speaking up about it, they clam up, fume on the inside, let their partner think that everything is just fine (don't say anything either way), and then cry bloody murder when he does the thing that hurts them. "See? SEE?! I told you! Swinging is a terrible thing!" Sorry Celebrety, I'm not implying that you do this. I'm just making a general observation, and your thread seemed like a relevant place to do it. One thing we all like to get away from is manipulation of any sort. So when either partner passively manipulates the other by letting him or her do something without fairly informing him/her about her/his feelings, it just bugs me.

Anyhow, Welcome to the board! Please be sure to post again; we look forward to getting to know you.

[FunCoupleCnS]

Speaking from the male half of the couple, I'd be extremely hurt not to mention pissed off if the Mrs. didn't inform me of something like that. If both aren't comfortable w/ it, it could be a marriage killer, at least for us. I'm constantly asking her feelings on this whole thing, & I'd hope she'd tell me if there were any problems. Guess that's why we're taking things nice & slow, @ her pace.

[celebrety]

My partner and I are joking around about trying this. I am curious as to why people do this and getting past the guilty feelings. Also, my partner does not want sex that often but has an interest in this so I having trouble thinking about him being with someone else.

[JustAskJulie]

You (at least) must be taking this "joking" seriously if you are here looking into it. In the end, it doesn't matter why OTHER people do it, all that matters is that both of you WANT to do it and agree on the terms (rules).

Guilt is a normal reaction to the idea of having sex with someone besides our regular partner. It's much in the way we are raised as anything else. We are taught from a very early age that monogomy is the only way. Again, it comes down to what is right for the two of you. Once you can grasp that and if/when you get to a point where you can both talk seriously and establish a dialogue to the point of saying that swinging is right for you and WHY, then you should be able to push past that guilt.

I would be wondering why if he generally doesn't have much of an interest in sex, he would be wanting to swing and that is something you need to take a closer look into. Again, that goes back to establishing a real (non joking/ non threatening) dialogue about the subject.

For many the topic of swinging starts as a joke, often that is the easiest way to bring up such a topic without any fear or having a fight over the topic. Should one partner flat out say no way, it's all good - it was only a joke. So I guess the question is, who brought it up? If he brought it up, and you are now here searching, I'd say you both definately have an interest. If you brought it up, then that only confirms what we already know by you being here - so you still need to find out where he really stands.

[BradAndJanet]

celebrety, there are probably as many reasons as there are people doing it, I suppose.

We do it because it's fun. There's never been any guilt involved for us. Swinging's been good for our sex life, we like the people we meet and it's also good for our egos to know that at least a few other people find us attractive and/or good in bed.

If it ever stops being fun, we'll quit, like anything else.

-B

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by celebrety

I am curious as to why people do this and getting past the guilty feelings.

We do it because we can, not because we need to. And to answer a question with a question, why not?

We don't have an issue with guilt because we both know in our hearts that we hold no malice toward each other. We also know that the other knows exactly what our feelings and intetions are, and that goes a long way toward alleviating the fears and guilt that spring from NOT know what the other is thinking/feeling.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by intuition897

We do it because we can

Dito

Lots of good response already. I agree with Julie, if he has little interest in sex, but does have an interest in swinging, I might pump the brakes a bit. Don't slam them, neccessarily, but pump them... pump, pump, pump... Just like that...

Mrs Spoomonkey and I have and had sex all the time. We sort of felt like we were leaving a lot of good folks out of some really great sex that we were having

Spoomonkey

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I would be wondering why if he generally doesn't have much of an interest in sex, he would be wanting to swing and that is something you need to take a closer look into. Again, that goes back to establishing a real (non joking/ non threatening) dialogue about the subject.

Celebrety, This was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read your post. Mr Spoo and I had/have an incredible sex life before swinging ever came up in conversation. Why do we do it then? Because we are sexual and we enjoy being around like minded people that we can be ourselves with. We like to flirt and we love to have sex (mostly with each other )

Anyway, there are bumps when you first start but we are always together and enjoy seeing each other have fun with a new partner or current friends that we have in the lifestyle.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[greatesc]

I liked the answer "because we can" But again it's because we want to. We are very secure in our marriage, and it is wonderful when you can let people into your life and share those very personal moments. We guess it's the sharing thing. We enjoy who we are and want to share that with friends. It's hard too explain, but very cool, But Remember, you must be secure with who you are.



Kelley and Susan

[celebrety]

My partner and I have joked about doing this and I am wonderring why we are! I know that I am a person who needs attenetion, affection, touching etc. and he is not that kind of person so I think that is why I am interested in this but also I am wondering why he is when he does not have much interest in sex.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by celebrety

My partner and I have joked about doing this and I am wonderring why we are! I know that I am a person who needs attenetion, affection, touching etc. and he is not that kind of person so I think that is why I am interested in this but also I am wondering why he is when he does not have much interest in sex.

I think you two need to stop joking about it and have a serious conversation. Is it just fun to joke and fantasize? What is it that seems to interest him? What is it that interests you? Do you really want to be with others sexually or is it the atmosphere of being bad that draws you? Are you craving attention through flirting?

The most important part of the lifestyle for couples is open, honest communication and trust. Before you go any further you either need to confirm that in your relationship or develop it and answer some of these questions together.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

Do you really want to be with others sexually or is it the atmosphere of being bad that draws you?

This stood out to me because it's a question that you should honestly ask yourselves.

We swing because we're both interested in having sex with others. What we like in particular is the flirting that comes before the sex.

LM

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I would be wondering why if he generally doesn't have much of an interest in sex, he would be wanting to swing and that is something you need to take a closer look into.

You know, Julie, that is a really good question. My hubby has always been the less sexually driven of the two of us. But over the last few years, he has become much more in sync with me. I think the stress of our school and careers had a lot to do with that for a long time - he just deals with pressure different than I do.

But one thing is for sure about us. Since we started discussing our fantasies, he has been much more open about everything. He probably felt guilty before but now we explore things we kept repressed before. We have discovered our "inner perverts" LOL