Jealousy of your fav swing partner with others

[NaughtyKitten]

I have never seen this question asked. I probably has been but here goes.

Have you ever felt jealous of your favorite swing partner being with other people?

Let me explain. I have met a great single guy that we have had 2 MFM situations with. He has become a good friend to both hubby and I. We chat all the time through IM about all kinds of stuff, not just sex. He is respectful of our relationship and is not, in any way, trying to come between us. So there is not any emotional issue on his part. We like each other and like having sex with each other, we are not "falling in love" or anything like that. But the other day I was talking with him about a trip he is going on this weekend. Chances are he will be with other women there. I found myself feeling a twinge of jealousy, or maybe its possessiveness, when he said that. It's not a serious issue. In fact, I find it kind of funny that I would feel this way. Just wondered if anyone else has had these feelings with a favorite swing partner?

[starlinn]

I think that this is a good question. I wonder about the emotional attatchment that some get with those that they swing with. I know one couple who is another couples exclusive swing partners, yet they "get a little on the side" from other couples. I find this deceiving because they said that it was exclusive. I am interested in what others say.

[txduo2000]

Oh my ... I would be interested in reading the responses to this one! Very interesting question indeed.

We have a regular single guy who we play with, too. But I cannot ever imagine feeling jealousy or anything like that. In fact, I am usually trying to help him hook up with others. I talk him up to everyone I know, because the Single Male has such a difficult time in this lifestyle, and they are rarely approached. LOL

Hmmmm, very thought-provoking question.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by NaughtyKitten

Have you ever felt jealous of your favorite swing partner being with other people?

I have.

It's a strange feeling when it happened because at the start of the swing relationship I knew the guy had - and will continue to have - other play partners, yet, I think there was a part of me that had a fantasy of being his "outstanding" partner.

I can laugh at myself, because I know that twinge of old-fashioned jealousy will pop up again with other play partners. I think it comes from years of vanilla programming. I figure it may take a while to overcome my knee-jerk reaction but I'm not concerned.

One important quality I look for in a guy who I play with is that when we are together on a playdate - couple to couple on a private date - I feel he should give his full attention to his wife and me. This does not mean he shouldn't notice or comment on other attractive females, but if he starts to go hog wild over someone else, tries to establish a relationship on the spot with other women in hopes of a future play, I find that rude and I'd not play with him again.

I want to emphasize that I'm not talking about a casual "hey, hope to see you guys at club or party" and we run into them. I don't expect to be attended to then. We're all there to meet people in that case.

When we meet another couple for a personal play date, I want to make my play partner feel he's special, and I want him to make me feel special too.

LM

[Dynamar]

I agree... a very thought-provoking question...

For myself, I don't really think I've felt any jealousy or possessiveness in regards to my playmates playing with others, but I've felt it in reverse. A couple of single males I have met and played with seem jealous if they ask me to make plans with them and I already have other plans. I'm sure it's not necessarily "me" that their possessive about however, but rather the fact that being male they may get fewer opportunities to play.

[NaughtyKitten]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I have.

It's a strange feeling when it happened because at the start of the swing relationship I knew the guy had - and will continue to have - other play partners, yet, I think there was a part of me that had a fantasy of being his "outstanding" partner.

I can laugh at myself, because I know that twinge of old-fashioned jealousy will pop up again with other play partners. I think it comes from years of vanilla programming. I figure it may take a while to overcome my knee-jerk reaction but I'm not concerned.

Good to hear from you LM! I haven't been around here much lately.

Somehow I knew you would respond in that way. We are so in synch. Glad I'm not the only one. I also knew from the start that he had and will continue to have other partners. This isn't a poly relationship. And I also am laughing at myself for feeling like this but feelings are feelings. You can't always predict how a situation will affect you emotionally. You just feel it, deal with it and move on. He will continue to be a good friend and play partner for a long time, I think, and the jealousy will subside. I'm not worried about that. Just found it funny and thought others might like to share their expereinces.

Thanks!

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by NaughtyKitten

Have you ever felt jealous of your favorite swing partner being with other people? I have met a great single guy that we have had 2 MFM situations with. He has become a good friend to both hubby and I. We chat all the time through IM about all kinds of stuff, not just sex. We like each other and like having sex with each other, we are not "falling in love" or anything like that. But the other day I was talking with him about a trip he is going on this weekend. Chances are he will be with other women there. I found myself feeling a twinge of jealousy, or maybe its possessiveness, when he said that. It's not a serious issue. In fact, I find it kind of funny that I would feel this way.

Having been "the other guy" in another life, I'll add my .02 here...

I think you're treading a very fine line with this person. You may not be "falling in love with him," but by your own admission, you're "falling in like." The fact that you and he are "chatting all the time through IM about all kinds of stuff, not just sex" tells me that your interest in him isn't just a sexual one, and that he's probably expressing some feelings of "like" to you in return. It may be an online flirtation for him, but it has the earmarks of becoming something more to you. Have you been sharing your feelings about this other man...and your chats with him...with your husband?

Another thing is this "twinge of jealousy, or maybe it's possessiveness" that you feel about your friend being with other women on his upcoming trip. Are you worried that your friend will form an emotional attachment to another woman...an attachment you wish he was instead forming with you? If this guy is nothing more than a friend and an occasional fuck buddy to you and your husband, why not wish him "much success with the ladies" on his trip, and enjoy your weekend at home? If you can't do that, and genuinely mean it, I'd be concerned

One of the basic precepts of swinging is that those who participate in it are, in essence, expected to enjoy having sex with other people without having any feelings or forming any emotional bonds with them. It's a behavioral model that most psychologists believe to be flawed, and which I believe to be the root cause of many of the problems couples encounter in swinging. Personally, I think that good sex leads to good friendships (and vice-versa) while great sex often leads to something more. I further believe that the difference between "friendship" and "something more" is often defined by the level of possessiveness one feels towards their lover. For example, it's my sincereest wish that my friends, both male and female, be laid often and well. But my lovers? I want them all to myself...

The line between "friend" and "lover" can be an extraordinarily difficult one to tread, especially for a single male. I don't know if this is a "serious issue" yet, but I feel it could become one, given a little encouragement from this guy.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by NaughtyKitten

Good to hear from you LM! I haven't been around here much lately.

Somehow I knew you would respond in that way. We are so in synch. Glad I'm not the only one. I also knew from the start that he had and will continue to have other partners. This isn't a poly relationship. And I also am laughing at myself for feeling like this but feelings are feelings. You can't always predict how a situation will affect you emotionally. You just feel it, deal with it and move on. He will continue to be a good friend and play partner for a long time, I think, and the jealousy will subside. I'm not worried about that. Just found it funny and thought others might like to share their expereinces.

Thanks!

OXO my friend!

Another thing that you and I have in common is that we are both new to swinging. I think this contributes to our feelings.

Once we get more experience under our panties, we'll probably look back at this time in our swing "career" and see it as natural growing pangs.

LM

[EvilMJ]

oh my, I can relate! There are times when we all get together as a group and one of the men that I play with will start showing lots of attention to the other women and I feel a little twinge of jelousy. Not that I want him all to myself, or that I want a relationship, but I just like that feeling of being special. It doesn't last long and I can laugh at myself, I think it is just left overs from my 'vanilla life'.

[NaughtyKitten]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Having been "the other guy" in another life, I'll add my .02 here...

First of all, thank you for sharing your expereince.

I think you're treading a very fine line with this person. You may not be "falling in love with him," but by your own admission, you're "falling in like." The fact that you and he are "chatting all the time through IM about all kinds of stuff, not just sex" tells me that your interest in him isn't just a sexual one, and that he's probably expressing some feelings of "like" to you in return. It may be an online flirtation for him, but it has the earmarks of becoming something more to you. Have you been sharing your feelings about this other man...and your chats with him...with your husband?

I guess I wasn't clear enough here. My hubby and I both are chatting with him. We do like each other but as friends not anything more. Your warning is however warranted with some people and in some situations so thank you.

Another thing is this "twinge of jealousy, or maybe it's possessiveness" that you feel about your friend being with other women on his upcoming trip. Are you worried that your friend will form an emotional attachment to another woman...an attachment you wish he was instead forming with you? If this guy is nothing more than a friend and an occasional fuck buddy to you and your husband, why not wish him "much success with the ladies" on his trip, and enjoy your weekend at home? If you can't do that, and genuinely mean it, I'd be concerned

That's the thing, I do and did wish him luck this weekend and it is genuine. He has also told me about his feelings for his ex-GF, whom he is trying to get back together with. His GF is not into the lifestyle and if they get back together then our playtime would stop but we would still be friends, vanilla friends. I do not wish him to have an emotional attachment to me. I am happy for him and wish him the best with her. The twinge of jealousy is just that, a twinge.

One of the basic precepts of swinging is that those who participate in it are, in essence, expected to enjoy having sex with other people without having any feelings or forming any emotional bonds with them. It's a behavioral model that most psychologists believe to be flawed, and which I believe to be the root cause of many of the problems couples encounter in swinging. Personally, I think that good sex leads to good friendships (and vice-versa) while great sex often leads to something more. I further believe that the difference between "friendship" and "something more" is often defined by the level of possessiveness one feels towards their lover. For example, it's my sincereest wish that my friends, both male and female, be laid often and well. But my lovers? I want them all to myself...

The line between "friend" and "lover" can be an extraordinarily difficult one to tread, especially for a single male. I don't know if this is a "serious issue" yet, but I feel it could become one, given a little encouragement from this guy.

Again, I thank you for your thoughtful response. Very well said. I think it can help others that are in a more serious situation. It would never turn the corner into something more even with encouragement from him. That is for sure. My hubby feels comfortable with this guy because he treats me well and had become friends with him also. I'm not crying over his fun this weekend and have "fun" plans myself. I know this was a momentary twinge from me and not something serious. I know myself well. If it was troublesome I would end the play with this guy immediately. I posted this quesiton more to hear others experiences and I thank you and everyone for sharing. I thought this might be something we all should think about, something I haven't heard on here before. So far you are the only one to address the serious side of this issue. These kinds of feelings, if more deep that mine, could casue serious problems in a relationship. I completely agree with you, there.

[FlaPlaya561]

I met a great local couple on another website and we talk on that site, on yahoo and she calls me on my cellphone if i dont log on and reply to my messages she sent. We have had 3 HOT MFM sessions and i really like them alot. Since we are all bi and really compatible as swingers or good sex freinds or whatever. Well now ive felt she has a bit of jealousy since i had told her about another single lady i met last weekend. she actually encouraged me to meet her and KNOWS her, but i can tell in her voice she thinks she might lose me as a sex partner and freind. Anyone been there in that situation? I really like them ALL hehehehehe and dont wanna hurt anyone's feelings!

[midnight hour]

I have never felt it for my single male playmates...however I did feel it in reverse kinda when one hooked up with another single at the club we all went too...he had been quite a free range chicken so to speak since he was one of the few single males... and she was also single staff...they hooked up at a party and man..she snarled at those she knew he had played with... then the next party I heard she kept everyone away from him period..the party after that they were both no shows...
I was happy for him for finding a playmate...but quite peeved at her treatment of the other women in the club all of a sudden...

[bear_and_babe]

Jealousy is what led us to an exclusive relationship with another couple.

We had only been in the lifestyle for a few months when we met this great couple. We hit it off right from the start. They had been in the lifestyle for 4 years and were pleased that all 4 of us got along so well. We had gone to our club with them several times, we had seen them play with others and they saw us play with others. So it was a shock when the male of the couple told me that he was very jealous when he saw me with other men. He said he had never been jealous when he saw his wife with others, because he knew that she was going to come back to him, but he was not so sure that I would come back to him. At the time I was a little flattered that he wanted me all to himself. Wow, I really wish I had more experience then, because I would have known that was a big red flag. We all decided that to overcome the jealousy we would become exclusive. It lasted 6 months and ended badly. We are sort of friends now, but it was a painful experience.

But we did learn a great lesson. If and when we ever start to feel jealous of our swing partners, then that is when we would cut off all contact with them. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have developed a cold heart, but I just can not go through that pain again.

[SluttyWife]

A little...but I've only noticed it creep up with girlfriends. Particularly those I have a "best friend" connection with. Sighs. Not sure what to do about it..natural feeling I guess. It does take me back to the schoolyard and when I didn't want to share a friend but was okay with it when she still took time to spend with me.

[Chicup]

We are fighting a bit of this right now.

We have had long time friends who 'expanded' to more friends when we were having a child. We are very good friends, and she has a husband that likes to tell me of their latest exploits. I don't really mind her having other playmates, thats to be expected, but when I hear she does things with other couples she won't do with us because they 'know us too well' it kinda hurts.

I think we are almost past this, but because of our close relationship and proximity to each other I think they take us for granted as playmates and we become the fall back couple when other plans don't happen or they can't find a sitter.

It is funny that I am more jealous of her than of my wife, but again, I know my wife, I know her motives, and I have no insecurities there.

I know this won't get to the 'unhealthy' stage, and we are seeing more couples now so that exclusiveness feeling is less of an issue as well, but I could see how a exclusive relationship could turn ugly in a hurry.