Curious about the lifestyle, but wife worries I will be jealous if we actually swing

[Cubemex]

About six months ago I brought up the subject of swinging with my wife. We have been married three years and are very happy and comfortable together. The subject came up after watching an HBO special on swingers and then running across a VH1 show on swingers. At first I just wondered what she thought of the subject. She surprised me by telling me that when she was single she thought about the idea but that the idea was not as attractive now that we were married. I then asked her if she was curious about swing clubs. She said the same thing about the clubs. After a long conversation I asked her if she would ever consider going to a swing club. She said she might but that she felt it might open doors that we shouldnt open. She also said she thought I was too jealous to ever be a swinger. I told her we could just go and watch and she once again surprised me by saying that there was no point in going if we were just going to watch. I couldnt tell if she was saying that we had to participate if we went to a club or that there was no point in going because it would harm our relationship. In any case,a few months later I bought a few videos about swinging and we watched them together. She is very sexual so the fact that she watched them with me was not a surprise. We spoke again about one day going to a club and she seemed hesitant again. I told her we could go with pre-set rules and just go to experience going with no pressure to participate in anything and she agreed to one day go.
My question to anyone is whether they have had a similar experience with their wife or husband when the subject first came up. Also what was the result of the first club experience. I do not feel that I would like to full swap, but think that we are both a little curious and might like to watch and maybe one day soft-swap. I think jealousy is a strong issue because one of her big objections is that I would be too jealous seeing another man flirting with her. She bases this on the fact that I have been jealous of her in the past. However, that happened years ago when we were dating and feel much more secure in our relationship now. Please give me your thoughts.

[dayhiker]

I think you need to explore her preception of your jealousy more than you have.
you might just be awear of the jealousy years ago, but maybe she is seeing other
things see thinks come from jealousy. Really talk that issue thru.

[BradAndJanet]

I'm not sure either what she means about there being no point if all you're going to do is watch. Many times I recommend that couples go to clubs with the intention of seeing what they're like and not with the intention to do anything. I think it can spur good discussions later.

If her thoughts are that you're too jealous, maybe she's afraid that she'll like it too much. She may not want to get something started that she'll be frustrated about if you can't handle it and ask her to stop.

A good way to find out one way or another would be to go to a club where she'll be flirted with and see how you react to that. Take it one step at a time and see where it leads.

-B

[Cubemex]

Thanks for the input you two. I think both of you make good points. Maybe she sees more recent jealousy that I don't see. We'll need to talk about that. I think that the idea that she might become frustrated by me after we start something is also a possiblity in her mind. She may think that she will like it and I will not want to do anything. I suppose the best thing at this point is too explore the issue of her perception of my jealousy. That's a good idea to go to a club and see how I react to others flirting with her. That is one of the reasons I started this thread, to get ideas about what to expect from people at a swing club---what we should wear, does certain type of clothes (hers) attract more attention, etc. We live in Houston, so I would appreciate any responses from nearby, though responses from anywhere are appreciated. I assume clubs are pretty much the same everywhere.

[intuition897]

Hi Cubemex, Welcome to the board!

From reading your posts, it sounds like your wife is adventurous, curious and very sexual. I'd have to agree with BradAndJanet that perhaps she's afraid to open Pandora's Box. Right now, she's gotten her head wrapped around "settling down" with one good man and being a "good girl". That's not to say she's not a "bad girl" in the bedroom , just that she's being 'good' as far as monogamy goes. She loves you and feels that, if she wants to keep you, monogamy is the only way to convince you of her love.

There's quite a bit of controversy about the ethics, naturalness, and healthiness of monogamous vs. non-monogamous lifestyles. I'd have to say that swingers lean toward the sexually non-monogamous camp.. lol Personally, I think that if humans were meant to be sexually monogamous, we'd be designed and programmed much differently. Whether we choose to admit it or not, whether we like it or not, we cannot help being attracted to people other than our primary partner, even if it's only momentary. That's just our bodies doing what they do best. It just means you're healthy.

As dayhiker suggested, talking things through with your wife could make all the difference. The biggest part of the adventure of swinging is what you discover about yourselves and each other. Do you feel that jealousy could be a problem? Have you really thought through how it might feel to see your wife enjoying another man's (or perhaps, woman's) attentions? How will you feel when someone else (who is obviously sexually attracted to her) asks your wife to dance? How will you react if she says yes? I would suggest that you run through a few scary scenarios in your mind. Share your "worst nightmares" with your wife. Tell her what, specifically, would upset you and why. If you don't know that yet, it's time to figure it out. The biggest step here is getting to know yourself, your fears, your expectations, your limitations...as well as recognizing your strong points. It's extrememly important to note those as well. It's just taking a good, hard, honest look at yourself and noting areas that need improvement. And I'm not talking about the slight paunch that could use a few trips to the gym; I'm talking about the kind and quality of person that one is, and one's behaviour toward and treatment of those around one. So try to find names and sources for the feelings of possessiveness or jealousy that you might feel. 'Jealousy' is just the catch-all term; I mean more specific feelings like fear, anger, embarrassment, outrage, disgust, loneliness, abandonnment, etc. Then explore what about the situation might cause you to feel that particular emotion. For example, feelings of abandonnment may come from the (usually imagined) perception that your wife is interested in somehow replacing you with another 'better' partner. From here you need to discover whether or not this is the truth. If it is, you need to figure out why she'd want to do that, whether or not the situation can be changed, and how to go about changing it. Otherwise, well, that's just one less thing to worry about, isn't it?

Mr. intuition and I just got sick of not knowing and always wondering. So we decided that from now on, we refuse to accept unanswered questions and unspoken thoughts. It's a lot of work, but it really pays off in the end. Imagine never having to worry again about someone swooping in and seducing the love of your life away from you. Imagine never wondering again just how deep your spouse's feelings run. It's like a weight that's been lifted. It's something that you finally know, because you've been there, you've tested it, you've proved it...and now you can say with conviction "My wife loves me and chooses me above all others."

Wow. I talk a lot.. lol Sorry.

About the clubs, your worst case scenarios will evaporate once you get out to meet some folks in the lifestyle. The first thing you'll notice is that we're all pretty friendly, want to be helpful, and we're highly supportive of one another's relationships. ANYone who imposes him/herself on your relationship is going against the grain of the lifestyle. Homewrecking in any way, shape or form is highly unacceptable behaviour. Now that said, people at a club might make a pass at you or your wife. But it's nothing malicious or aggressive (or if it is, the club owner should be notified of inappropriate touching or behaviour immediately). Most people are pretty sensitive to 'newbies' and their needs for space. If you're basically there just to soak up the sexually-charged atmosphere and take the energy home with you, you can let people know that you and your wife are brand new to it all and just wanted to come and see what a club was like. That you're not ready to play yet. Unless you invite them to stay and talk, they'll likely just smile, say "good luck and have fun" and bugger off to the buffet table or the dance floor to continue enjoying their evening. We're a good-natured lot, I think, and for us, sex is merely recreation. A club is a great place for a test run.

Well! If you've found a grain of truth in my ramblings somewhere, I'm happy. Sorry for being such a windbag.. lol Welcome to the board again, and have fun here.

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Wow. I talk a lot.. lol Sorry.

Girl.....don't ever be sorry when you have these pearls to share. Wow

Originally Posted by intuition897

Well! If you've found a grain of truth in my ramblings somewhere, I'm happy. Sorry for being such a windbag.. lol

You can be overjoyed, because I'm still sifting thru this treasure chest Thank you.

Brett (and Tammy)

[intuition897]

lol, Just happy that if I'm as talkative and opinionated as I am, at least it's doing someone some good.

[Cubemex]

Intution, thank you very much for your input. I think the one thing that really impressed me about what you wrote is the discovery that as a couple you will have very little to worry about in terms of possessiveness and jealousy if this lifestyle turns out to be the right thing for us. Of course there are still alot of steps that we have to take to get to that point, but it is nice to know that something like that could be at the end of the rainbow. Right now we are taking baby steps and trying to feel our way through this experience. I agree that we are both pretty adventurous and curious about this so that is a starting point. Thanks once again.

[intuition897]

Well we're all wishing you luck. It's a lot of work, and some folks find out that it's just not their thing. But we've found the end result worth the efforts. Hope you both do too. Use this board often; there's so much great info on here.

[jennandjamesinm]

Originally Posted by intuition897

lol, Just happy that if I'm as talkative and opinionated as I am, at least it's doing someone some good.

I appreciate your posts also....always honest and to the point, and always a great source of information!!! Thanks!!!

Jenn

[cathlar]

Lots of good information has been given. Clearly, your both have to be secure in the relationship and have the jealousy thing understood. Once you are ready, you may want to go to an off-premise clube to see and meet others interested in the lifestyle. In Houston, we think Coach's is a great place to get your feet wet. Our first trip there was a little scary, not knowing what to expect. Once we settled in, it was like most any club you might visit. Clientele range from late-20's to 60's. Dance music of all types played. Very friendly people who will talk freely, but haven't had many pushy types. You can move at your own pace, to see how comfortable you are with flirting, dancing, and even a little exhibition and touching, if that is comfortable. It may be a nice middle ground to get a better handle on what the BOTH of you want. It may not go any further than a club visit now an then, or you can develop friendships that could lead more.

Bottom line, of course, is what you want as a couple.

Cath and Lar

[Cubemex]

Thanks for the recommendation about Coach's. I had heard Radiance was a good club to go to also, but dont know too much about Coach's. Do you know if there are any differences between the two clubs. The scariness of the first trip to a club is one of the things that probably keeps me from asking her to go already. I think that even I would be a little nervous and I can't imagine how she would feel. Of course we still have the other issues to deal with before we are ready to go. Did that first night at the club end up in good sex between you two? How soon after the first trip did you make another visit? Thanks for you response.

[cathlar]

Never been to Radiance. It is a BYOB club where you have to sign a membership agreement and pay a fee. It is suposed to be very nice inside, but from those I have talked to, it's more upscale and more for those experienced in the lifestyle. Coach's is more laid back, no memberships, small fees only on Sat and Sun, and more of a regular bar/club. At Coach's, you can get a table for two and merely observe the first time. No one will care much if you kiss and touch each other, but you will also be able to see the variety of the people in the lifestyle. Some find it a drawback that single guys are allowed in Coach's, but they are restricted to the bar area, and any who become pushy are escorted out.

Since you are asking more specialized questions, you might want to send a private message to us through this site, and we can talk more directly about the particulars.

Yes, sex is always nice after visiting the club.

Cath and Lar