Jealousy Question

[guitarlover]

Well, after whispering lots of naughty fantasies in her ear, concerning sharing her with another man or woman, and the initial shock wore off, she became a bit more open to the thought of sharing soft swing or more, of course, with the right person or people. But, she's the careful one, and I am glad that she has a level head about this kind of thing. I'd be the one to jump in head first, without testing the waters....I mean, girls need a 'why' and a 'who' but a guy only usually needs a 'where' if you know what I mean.
Anyway, after spending a few days on the Swingerboard reading information that is both titillating, and VERY informative, I've noticed that there are a lot more guys willing to share their woman with another person, than the other way around. Of course there are exceptions, but, generally speaking, this seems to be so. As Mike Meyers says, I'll give you a subject.......Discuss.......
Is it that women are more jealous than men are, or are men just hornier and ready for a 'different' sexual experience? I realize that women are just different and their bodies are more of a personal 'shrine' to them.
Personally, I would love to watch another man or woman with my girl. She's a very hot lover, and I would love to share that with another couple or single guy or girl. It would be extremely exciting to watch, as well as participate in making her feel really really good! She's not ready to share me, yet, however. And, actually, that's kind of flattering, although, she need not worry. She is definitely my life partner! And I surely do not feel threatened. I know that she loves me more than anyone else in my life. I'm a lucky man.

Oh, one other question I'd like to bring up. This one bugs me a lot! I hope that you'll provide some input about this subject.


Thanks for responding!

[TNT]

Originally Posted by guitarlover

As Mike Meyers says, I'll give you a subject.......Discuss.......

Is it that women are more jealous than men are, or are men just hornier and ready for a 'different' sexual experience? I realize that women are just different and their bodies are more of a personal 'shrine' to them.

WOW...you have asked a question that I think men have been trying to get answered for ages .

Women are complex creatures..so are men, but you asked about women so here's my take on it.

Most women are raised with a fairy tale outloook on love and marriage. I mean look at the stories that we read to our daughters while they are growing up...Prince charming rides in on his horse and rescues the fair madien and they live happily ever after. Women are taught that once you are married that's it...you should never think, discuss or desire another man. Most of us are raised with the "Good girls don't" attitude. We are taught that men don't want a 'bad girl' as a wife.

In reality, most women probably think and feel the same way as a man does about sex but because of preconditioning surpress these thoughts. When faced with the one you love talking about you and them having sex with someone else it starts conflicting thoughts going through our minds...

If he loves me why the hell would he want to share me? Aren't I enough for him? Does he still love me? What am I doing wrong that he would want this or need this? As well as numerous other thoughts that all stem from how we were raised, what we were taught and what kind of religious background we come from. Women have taught themselves that once they are married NOT to have such thoughts about sex.

It takes a while for a woman, once confronted with new ideas of love, sex and marriage, to have a paradigm shift and give themselves permission to even think differently than the way they were raised. Once permission is given some start thinking that hmmmm...just because I was taught one way does not mean that it's the only way. This does not happen overnight and takes weeks, months or even years to happen.

I don't think that it is necessarily that women in general are more jealous, I just think it has more to do with the way they were raised and it takes a unique woman to able to step outside the box and look at things differently. It helps when you have someone who is supportive in this new train of thought and allows you the time you need to adjust your thinking.

Of course, all of this is just what I think.



Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

I think a lot of it comes down to how we are raised. There's always been a double standard in society when it comes to sex. It's ok for a guy to have sex with lots of women - he's a man, a stud. But a woman is considered a slut. To translate that, women are taught to see sex as something between a man and a woman - one man and one woman in a relationship. Whereas guys can more easily see it in an expanded view. If that makes sense. I think it boils down to Women are taught to equate sex with love. Men are not, and therefore can more easily separate the two.

[graygo98]

Julie, there should be a place on the board called “Classics” where you put responses that just nail it. For my $0.02, you can start with Teresa’s post above. It’s a great take on a question that has come up about a zillion times on this board.

A slightly different spin on the same point… the male, usually, suggests to his beloved that they bring others into their bed. All the questions that Teresa mentioned are bound to come into most women’s heads. She thinks that maybe you are bored with her… that you want to lay another woman so bad that you are willing to put her on the table in return.

If an MFM is brought into the picture it can put a whole different perspective on things. Unless you are gay or something she can see that its truly about the two of you sharing a wild sexual adventure together rather than you simply wanting some strange. This may give her the confidence to really start considering if swinging can work for her.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by graygo98

its truly about the two of you sharing a wild sexual adventure together

I like this phrase ...its a good definition of swinging.


Teresa

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

There's always been a double standard in society when it comes to sex. It's ok for a guy to have sex with lots of women - he's a man, a stud. But a woman is considered a slut.

I think the problem lies more with the interpretation of the word.

I think "slut" is only a negative term in the same circles "swingers" is considered a negative term.

Society conditons us to believe being a stud is a good thing and being a slut is a bad thing.

Wouldn't a slut be a female stud? What's wrong with that?

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with a woman being a slut. It is the stigma society has put on the word that makes it bad, like the same way society has attatched a stigma to the word "swingers".

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

I think the problem lies more with the interpretation of the word.

I think "slut" is only a negative term in the same circles "swingers" is considered a negative term.

Society conditons us to believe being a stud is a good thing and being a slut is a bad thing.

Wouldn't a slut be a female stud? What's wrong with that?

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with a woman being a slut. It is the stigma society has put on the word that makes it bad, like the same way society has attatched a stigma to the word "swingers".

It's all part of that double standard, really. Personally, I agree with you, but society as a whole probably doesn't.

[CuriousFemale40]

I believe the question my guy wanted answered was…are more women unwilling to share their partners than guys? If so, then why?

I my case, which we’ve discussed many times, my jealousy, or unwillingness to share him stems from an indiscretion that happened over ten years ago. Although intercourse didn’t happen, a lot of fondling and kissing, with clothes on, was done in my presence. This was with a long time family friend…well, not anymore. He did not ask if this was all right, or, if I’d like to join in. It was just happening in front of me, and, all of our friends in a public forum. In my eyes, he wanted to be with her, instead of me, that night. She has a nice body, so I soon became very insecure with my body. I was also in shock. Prior this, I was very sure that he would never do anything like this without my consent. (Never be sure of anything but death and taxes) I also felt humiliated in front of our friends.

Although I knew the part that I played leading to this situation, and, I understand why it happened the way it did, it has been extremely difficult for me to get to a point to feel completely safe again. It’s taken years for me to even be open about talking about swinging again.

I feel that, in a lot of ways, that this is my problem now. It may have started with a bad decision on his part, but until I feel comfortable in my own skin, I have to take it slowly. I’m sure that with his reassurance, through his behavior to do this together, we can get back to where we once were.

All that said, if this type of situation was not a factor in the unwillingness to share your man, what is? Body image? Fear of losing him to another? Technique?

[De and Ci]

Originally Posted by CuriousFemale40

I believe the question my guy wanted answered was…are more women unwilling to share their partners than guys? If so, then why?

From my experience I don't think so. Everybody assumes that the guys push the girls into it, but I've seen a lot of situations where the female initiated it. However that is anecdotal evidence and I don't have hard statistices. A lot of guys do fantasize about watching their wife with another man, MFM, etc. however there are a lot of guys who get off to watching there wifes with other girls. My wife say it turns her on to watch me with another guy.
This may be a good subject for a poll.

[intuition897]

I'm going out on a limb here in saying this, but I think that men and women really DO think differently about sex. Throughout history, women and men have always dealt with life's issues differently. It would seem to me that men are very left-brained, and women are very right-brained. The left side of the brain deals with logic, categorization, labels, numbers, etc. When you're thinking logically, you think with the left side of your brain. The right side of your brain deals with sensation, emotion, colour, the unlabeled 3-D version of things that you just can't put your finger on. It's the side you retreat to when your creative juices are flowing. Now we all have access to both hemispheres of the brain, but usually there is a default side that dominates. This is just my opinion of course, but the right/left thing is true. You can look it up. If this theory of mine is correct, it corresponds nicely to the observation that (in general) women have a tendency to expand upon ideas and elaborate upon them, whereas men do exactly the opposite: they take the complex and endeavour to make it simple by paring away all that is irrelevent or without value, and getting to the lean core of the situation. Both approaches have their uses, of course, but it's no wonder that we're always at odds! We're just going in opposite directions.

So how does this long-winded theory relate to swinging? I'm going to make some generalisations here, so brace yourselves. I think that men are generally more open to the idea of separating love and sex. Men's body types are more rugged and vigorous than women's; angular, firmer, leaner, more adept at accumulating muscle mass than a woman (not stereotyping here, just pointing out the testosterone factor). Even their fat cells are tougher and more fibrous. They are tuned into primal urges like sex, just like hunger for food, or need for sleep. What they do, they do completely. They are extremely physical. They retain the sense of playfulness and fun that you see in your 8 year old, and approach things with the same kind of energy. Sex is just another function of the body to them, and it's part of living a healthy life. It can be a source of comfort, it can be how to tell your partner you love her when words fail, it can just be a helluva good time... All sorts of things. As I said, men pare away what is not valuable, and retain what IS valuable. They've looked at sex logically, and realized that it's merely a very handy tool to have in one's toolbelt. In fact it's the coolest toy in the toybox! Swinging is sort of like UltraZilla 5000 Turbo Enhancer attachment for their already cool favorite toy, Sex. They're just excited about getting to play with all the new options.

Ok. Now women have high sex drives too. But for us it's not so much about the body, but about the stuff that goes on inside our heads. I don't know about y'all but for moi, about 90% of sexual enjoyment happens in my brain. Ok, maybe 60%, but it's definitely the greatest part. It's the foreplay, not the orgasm, that makes sex fulfilling for us. All the peripheral stuff. Being in right-brain mode, women think with their senses and really get off on the 'why', 'what', 'how' and 'who'. The fantasy. The moment you share with your partner. The full, deep 'tasting' of another human being (for lack of a better word). This might not make a lot of sense to anyone, because, being a woman, I'm trying to put into black and white text what is at the moment a cloud of powerful 3-D intangible emotion/experience that is locked in the stupid right hemisphere of my brain. This "moment-sharing" thing might explain why women often have difficulty separating love and sex. All I'm saying is that we girls have a tendency, right from childhood, to leave behind the physical stuff for the intellectual or emotional.

I don't know if I actually answered the question or not, but I'm sure I've said enough to offend some people

[TNT]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Swinging is sort of like UltraZilla 5000 Turbo Enhancer attachment for their already cool favorite toy, Sex.

That is just too damn cute...


Teresa

[graygo98]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I'm going out on a limb here in saying this, but I think that men and women really DO think differently about sex. Throughout history, women and men have always dealt with life's issues differently. It would seem to me that men are very left-brained, and women are very right-brained. The left side of the brain deals with logic, categorization, labels, numbers, etc. When you're thinking logically, you think with the left side of your brain. The right side of your brain deals with sensation, emotion, colour, the unlabeled 3-D version of things that you just can't put your finger on. It's the side you retreat to when your creative juices are flowing. Now we all have access to both hemispheres of the brain, but usually there is a default side that dominates. This is just my opinion of course, but the right/left thing is true. You can look it up. If this theory of mine is correct, it corresponds nicely to the observation that (in general) women have a tendency to expand upon ideas and elaborate upon them, whereas men do exactly the opposite: they take the complex and endeavour to make it simple by paring away all that is irrelevent or without value, and getting to the lean core of the situation. Both approaches have their uses, of course, but it's no wonder that we're always at odds! We're just going in opposite directions.

So how does this long-winded theory relate to swinging? I'm going to make some generalisations here, so brace yourselves. I think that men are generally more open to the idea of separating love and sex. Men's body types are more rugged and vigorous than women's; angular, firmer, leaner, more adept at accumulating muscle mass than a woman (not stereotyping here, just pointing out the testosterone factor). Even their fat cells are tougher and more fibrous. They are tuned into primal urges like sex, just like hunger for food, or need for sleep. What they do, they do completely. They are extremely physical. They retain the sense of playfulness and fun that you see in your 8 year old, and approach things with the same kind of energy. Sex is just another function of the body to them, and it's part of living a healthy life. It can be a source of comfort, it can be how to tell your partner you love her when words fail, it can just be a helluva good time... All sorts of things. As I said, men pare away what is not valuable, and retain what IS valuable. They've looked at sex logically, and realized that it's merely a very handy tool to have in one's toolbelt. In fact it's the coolest toy in the toybox! Swinging is sort of like UltraZilla 5000 Turbo Enhancer attachment for their already cool favorite toy, Sex. They're just excited about getting to play with all the new options.

Ok. Now women have high sex drives too. But for us it's not so much about the body, but about the stuff that goes on inside our heads. I don't know about y'all but for moi, about 90% of sexual enjoyment happens in my brain. Ok, maybe 60%, but it's definitely the greatest part. It's the foreplay, not the orgasm, that makes sex fulfilling for us. All the peripheral stuff. Being in right-brain mode, women think with their senses and really get off on the 'why', 'what', 'how' and 'who'. The fantasy. The moment you share with your partner. The full, deep 'tasting' of another human being (for lack of a better word). This might not make a lot of sense to anyone, because, being a woman, I'm trying to put into black and white text what is at the moment a cloud of powerful 3-D intangible emotion/experience that is locked in the stupid right hemisphere of my brain. This "moment-sharing" thing might explain why women often have difficulty separating love and sex. All I'm saying is that we girls have a tendency, right from childhood, to leave behind the physical stuff for the intellectual or emotional.

I don't know if I actually answered the question or not, but I'm sure I've said enough to offend some people

Pretty much nailed it, we'd say

[HotMoCpl]

Thank you Theresa and Julie! You two are so right.

When I met my second (current) wife, I began developing a different way of thinking about woman and it is much the way you two explained it here. My wife is coming around on the idea....slowly but still moving toward the idea. I am now sure she does want to play and will do so in her own sweet time.

Gee, I have the patience of the angles.


P.S.
As of recent, I have come to the belief that God is a woman because the only thing a man can pass is made of sh_t, but a woman brings forth life.

[corkwan]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I don't know if I actually answered the question or not, but I'm sure I've said enough to offend some people

no way... very articulate. +++

i think your post definitely addressed the reason why curiousfemale40 detested the situation from her past. the lateral social thinking had associated the experience with lots of negative feelings.

i often experience this difference from my wife, i'm always amazed at the female power of perception in social situations. but, i'm also pleased i don't worry so much about things... together, we balance each other out, but you have to make sure to listen to each other.