How did you handle jealousy the first time?

[Amy Blue]

This is a question directed at the more experienced folks on the board.

I am attending an off-premises club this weekend, my first real experience in this realm.

My partner and I both have admitted issues with occasional jealousy/possessiveness. However, it's not consistent. Sometimes I am perfectly fine seeing him with other women. In fact, any time I have "been right there watching" I've been ok with things. It's when he does something when out on his own and I hear about it later, that it seems to upset me because I tend to imagine the worse (i.e. she probably looked like a Playmate, etc.)

He on the other hand, says he isn't jealous at all if I play with other people physically, he's far more worried about me falling for some guy emotionally. So we are coming at this from slightly different views.

I'd like to know from the experienced folks if there was anything in particular they did to calm their nerves and head off the jealousy before it got a grip on one or both of you the first time out.

If I better knew what my own triggers were, I'd be more confident about dealing with it. Right now I can try to imagine my feelings/reactions in different circumstances, but without actually being there, I don't think it's a realistic way to predict jealousy. I just want to be prepared for the ugly green monster if it suddenly surfaces in one or both of us.

Any suggestions for heading jealousy off at the pass? Time-outs? Mantras? Do you both just up and leave the club and call it a night?

Just as welcome are the "whatever you do, don't do this..." sorts of advice.

Thanks very much!

[mrfreeway]

I didn't see you say anything about being married so I'm taking it that your not. Swinging is not for everyone and if one of you is jealous then it won't work. It's suppose to be for both of you but not for either of you if you can understand that. Communacation is the #1 thing in any relationship. It sound like you both care for eachother there for sit down and talk about everything to the slightest little detail. Tell him what you want out of swinging and have him do the same thing for you. Talk about what you want and don't want. Then do it all over again. When I first brought this topic up to my wife it took her about 6mths to deceide on what to do. In all that time we had many talks about what we want. If you can't comunicate and be honest then it's not worth it. I hope this helped you out. Take care, bye.

[good times]

While we had the same worries you and your partner are having before our first swinging experiance it turned out to be a nonissue when we finally did it. We have never experianced any jealousy while swinging. I think their are several reasons for this, the first being that we communicate with each other really well and at the time we started in the lifestyle we had been together for 18 years. My main worry was the same as your partner that my wife might have emotional feelings for a playmate. This hasen't been a problem, we only swing with couples that have solid relationships themselves and because of that their is no incentive for emotional attachment on either side as all parties are just in it for fun sexual play. as you get more experiance I think this becomes much less of a problem because each couple we play with reenforces the idea that it is "just sex" and emotional feelings don't tend to crop up. In our case it has actually resulted in us being more devoted to each other because subconciously we both feel blessed that we have a life partner that we can have so much fun with. While some of our nonswinging friends complain that the fire has gone out of their relationship ours just gets hotter every day.

That being said, if you do eperiance jealousy issues and can't seem to overcome them then swinging may not be for you.

The best advice is still the same for everyone first starting out swinging, and that is, go at the pace of the slowest person and, talk about everything you are doing as you go along both good and bad. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

[Amy Blue]

Thanks folks for your advice - it's very much appreciated

Since he's coming over tonight, we're going to have another good long talk about it. I am definitely the slower one in this situation. He easily separates love and sex, but I've never had sex without some sort of deeper relationship with someone.

I'm wondering is it normal for me to feel reluctance or even aversion at this initial stage at the mere thought of another man touching me? Right now I only want to explore my bisexuality, preferably with my partner (FMF threesome) or else alone, but I know this would be a rare stroke of luck (no pun intended).

I expect we will be mostly approached by couples, probably some of whom are experienced and/or aggressive. I've read a lot on this board about "taking one for the team" and I've no intention of doing that. Is it a terrible faux pas to state up front that I'm not interested in being sexually touched by another man (yet)?

Don't get me wrong, I do like guys, but I want to explore the bisexuality right now. I feel less intimidated by women and I absolutely detest "macho" males. I envision the worst of course - some Neanderthal grabbing or groping me without permission when my partner's occupied or his back is turned.

My partner is all for the F/F fun (of course!) but he thinks I am being too uptight about not wanting to play with other men yet. He keeps asking me, "Well, what if the other guy is REALLY good-looking?" as if that's persuasive, not seeming to understand that's not the issue at all.

Although I'm all for talking it out in minute detail, sometimes it seems men and women are just communicating on a totally different level altogether. That's where I worry we'll go astray with the jealousy issue our first time out.

[BradAndJanet]

I don't think your present disinterest in other guys should concern you too much. Many women enter into swinging to explore their bisexuality. It may limit the number of potential playmates, but you will find couples who are interested in the same thing you are. Just be upfront about what you're looking for and things should work out fine. As you get more experience, your tastes may change.

I have to say, although we're not the most active swingers, that we've never been approached by anyone I would call 'aggressive'. The people we've met at clubs have been friendly and not pushy. Perhaps we're just lucky, but I think those bozos are rare. All reputable clubs have a "No means no" rule and they will enforce it if someone gets out of hand.

It sounds like you're taking your time to think this through and that's good.

-B

[LasVegasCouple]

Hi! You sound like a very bright and thoughtful woman... And you're RIGHT! Males and Females seem to communicate on totally different wavelengths sometimes.

I'm Mr. LasVegas Couple, and one of the best things that this hobby has done for Mrs. LVC and me is that it has FORCED us to learn each other's "language"...and to communicate. That has been such a wonderful thing!

True communication between you and your "significant other" will take care of any problem (including jealousy issues) that you might experience. If you two are incapable of such uninhibited intercourse...then you should choose another hobby.

[Amy Blue]

Wow, you're all so nice and helpful here. I appreciate it

I think I'm already relaxing about the whole outing tomorrow night. Thanks.

I'll try to remember to come back and share how my first (and maybe last ) swinging experience went.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Amy Blue

... I'll try to remember to come back and share how my first (and maybe last ) swinging experience went.

Well...hopefully not your last.

We'd enjoy hearing how it went.

-B

[intuition897]

Hi Amy, Welcome to the board.

I wouldn't worry too much about the 'normalcy' factor; swinging is whatever a couple (or single) wants it to be so long as it is done in an honourable and honest fashion between consenting adults. And feelings of jealousy can and do crop up even for experienced couples...occasionally. For Mr. intuition and I, it's simply a signal that one of us is feeling a little lonely or disconnected. We want to be nurtured, reassured...cherished. Jealousy tells us that we want to be reminded how much we each mean to the other. If your b/f tells you about how this gorgeous blonde hit on him today, and you feel a pang of jealousy, tell him! Let him know what you're feeling, and he will reassure you that your place in his heart is safe, no matter how pretty she was. One thing you will want to do, though, is remember that these feelings are YOUR responsibility; grab them by the balls and let them know who's boss. You don't want your b/f avoiding telling you about the blonde just because you'll get upset, do you? You'll need to make an effort to not let an overactive imagination get in the way of your fun. If your b/f truly has no reason to sneak around behind your back (and why would he? He's completely free to have his pick of women with your blessing! What more could he ask for?), then you're probably safe telling yourself that you're just overreacting. Hope this helps some.
And I hope you guys have fun tomorrow night!

[WvCpl4Fun05]

AFter our first swing experience hubby had a hard time and it was really good having another couple who was experienced to talk to about situation and we talked ALOT about it, you have to really have a good line of trust and communication like others have said, if you think even an oz that either of you are gonna be over jealous or something I would keep talking bout it till you really think ur both are gonna be ok with it, I think that was alot of our probs, it was total lust getting into it and our communication lines were kinda closed down haha, but good luck and please ask ?'s here and talk to others about anything u feel unsecure about that is best advise i believe.
Good Luck and Hope things work out for ya..

[JustAskJulie]

Your disinterest in other guys isn't a big deal. What I am wondering about is this... what is your boyfriend hoping to get out of this? Is he also just hoping to give you a chance to explore your bisexuality? Or is he hoping to play as well?

What are the two of you looking for together out of swinging?

I am wondering if going to a club is going to be the right choice for you to find what it is you are looking for.

[Amy Blue]

Hi everyone,

I'm back and wanted to give a bit of an update on the big outing. All in all it went pretty well, although the club wasn't quite what I was expecting. It wasn't disappointing, it was just very much like a "regular" club in many ways, except there were women running around with only pasties on (including me )

It was the first time I have ever been that exposed in public, but I was surprised to find I wasn't shy about it. I think I got as many compliments on the breasts as the outfit I was wearing One of the club promoters even took a photo of my twins for club advertising purposes. Another thing I never thought I'd do!

One point about this club I found misleading in their advertising is that it is billed as this exclusive club supposedly all single women and couples - no single men allowed - but there were clearly single men on the prowl there! I'm assuming they just got some female friend to get them in the door by posing as a couple. I'm sure that happens at many off-premise clubs, and I'm not sure what the solution is but it was somewhat annoying, to be sure.

Most people were friendly without being obnoxious, but it almost got too crowded to enjoy by 1 a.m. or so. There were a few familiar faces from other clubs we had frequented in the past - one of these guys invited me and my boyfriend to a private party (BDSM) he is having soon. I'm not sure I'm ready for a small intimate gathering. Not that I'm unfamiliar with BDSM clubs - in fact I have been to plenty more of those than swing clubs, but I'm not sure if the expectation at the end of the night is to have a group orgy or something so I'd have to clarify that first!

There was only one point in the night where I felt the twinge of jealousy/insecurity crop up. That was when my boyfriend said that a particular woman had been "fondling her breasts" at him (I didn't see this, but as I said it was *very* crowded). No big deal in itself, but he was suddenly consumed with this urgent need to find her again. That made me feel jealous. He wanted me to come along to search for her, but I chose to sit in the back of the club alone and play games on my mobile phone (yes I realize now that was passive-aggressive behavior on my part...my bad )

He never found her again in the crowd and when he came back he said if he had, he had intended to bring her over and introduce her to me anyway, because we were a package deal. So that eased the tension somewhat.

Julie, to answer your question earlier, yes he is supportive of my bi-curious side and he wants us to play as a couple, whether the FMF threesome or with other couples. To be fair he has even proposed MFM, and of course it would be a lot easier to find a second guy than another gal. I'm simply not interested in other guys sexually...yet.

As to what we both want...adventure, excitement, and bonding deeper together. Sharing the fun and also stamping out possessiveness, which has been a problem for both of us in the past.

He wants to go back to the same club this weekend. We mostly observed this last round, and maybe we would be more comfortable now that we have the "lay of the land" (pun fully intended this time )