Jealous, Insecure, Sad :(

[SadandConfused]

Hi, I've just discovered this message board and have found it to be really useful.

My situation is complicated so I'll try to keep it brief.
I'm 28, my fiance is 25. We have been together for 2 years.
We started talking about threesomes and foursomes about a year ago, and have swapped with a few couples.

Although the idea of it turns me on, and we always talk about it just the two of us, I absolutely hate seeing another woman get pleasure from him, or him getting "too much" pleasure from her. It makes me so jealous and sad.

I tried to tell him this, and he gets disappointed. He points out it is very selfish of me since I seem to enjoy being with other men so much. This is a guarded truth- I enjoy it in the moment, but afterwards, I feel so guilty and "unpure" even though I know it's an unfounded feeling.

We were taking a break from "swinging" leaving it open to revisitation later on in our marriage if we wanted, but of course the bedroom talk and fantasies started to build again so we decided to try again.

We went to a club on new year's eve to meet a couple we had been chatting with. They were nice, we got along really well with them.

When things started to happen it all was fine, my fiance and I had swapped but were still making eye contact with each other, touching each other in some way.

somehow during the course of the night however, I look over and it's as if I see for the first time? Is this weird? I felt like I was watching my sweetie actually "making love" to another woman, not just sex. It was horrid, and it has made me so sad.

I tried to tell him my feelings, but he points out that I was very busy that night as well, having my fill of men... and again I know I"m being selfish, but it's just sex with me - why does it look like so much more when I watch him?

I know he loves me, I just can't shake this feeling.

What should I do? Will this feeling go away? Has there been unreparable damage? Why do I feel like I have a broken heart?

I really appreciate any advice - it's not really a topic I can discuss with my friends, and I'm feeling very confused and alone.

First of all Welcome to the board!

Swinging is not for everyone and it may not be for you.

There isn't much you can do about those pesky feelings that get in the way sometimes.

Maybe you should see if hubby would be up for MFMs.

Sex is sex and love is love. They don't have to be connected. They aren't for you so why would you think they are for him?
Is it the way he does it? Does it remind you of what he does to you while making love? Some men make love the same way they have sex.
Physicaly it is hard to tell the difference. The difference lies in emotional connection.

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

Swinging is not for everyone and it may not be for you.

I have to agree with that statement. It seems pretty clear to me that swinging is not an activity for you. If you are not enjoying it and are having thoughts that are making you feel sad, then why continue.

If I felt that was watching my husband with another woman I would stop. I think you need to take some time away from swinging and decide what will make you happy

[intuition897]

Sadandconfused, I sure hope you'll be able to change your user name soon to something a little happier. Have you shown Mr. Sad the messageboard? This is a great place to get some good advice and bounce ideas off others who have experienced the same situations. For Mr. intuition and I, the lifestyle has been all about finding deep and hidden truths about ourselves and each other. That can be kinda scary when you're not sure you're going to like the answer. What if you don't like what you find out? Would you leave the father of your children? The one man who knows you inside and out and still stayed with you? Would you leave if it meant his happiness? We're talking about the big picture here, not the day to day stuff. We decided we'd rather know the truth for what it is; it'll all come out in the wash eventually and we'd rather just cut to the chase than waste years with our heads in the sand. Everyone has different reasons for being in the lifestyle; this is just ours. Have you really explored what your and your husbands motivations are? What does swinging mean to you? Do for you? Is it just about getting more sex? Is it that you want to build a stronger marriage? Is it that you feel you can't satisfy one another? Maybe spend some quality alone time and each of you can really ponder these things. The reason I mention motivations at all is because hubby seems to snap back with "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" instead of reassuring you that your place in his heart is secure and not threatened by these other women. I know you know he loves you, but sometimes we need to actually hear it.
I don't think irreparable damage has been done so long as his intentions were good and he did nothing to break your trust. You could maybe try a FMF 3some, or maybe a FFM 3some if that's your thing. This might help you to connect with the other woman and find out she's not some nameless threat. She's just a real live woman who missed a spot when she was shaving, who has bad hair days, who can be a bitch when she's got PMS, who had to use cover-up on that zit that showed up that morning... She's just human. Another option is just the opposite: separate rooms? Seems radical I know, but if it's just what it LOOKS like that bothers you when you really know otherwise, some folks see this as an option. It sounds like you guys really enjoy the fantasy more than the reality. This may be bad advice, however: I can't really promote separating off just because you can't stand the thought of another persone being with your spouse. Hiding from it won't change the fact that they're screwing each other senseless in the next room.
I sure hope things work out for you guys, but as the Naughtys said, it could be that this just isn't your thing and it would be best to keep it a fantasy rather than a reality.

[WildMainePussy]

I know this might be off the wall for a suggestion but try videotaping just the two of you together....what you'll watch in your own intimate space and time will be different from what you see in real time with another partner in a swing situation. You'll pick up those small nuances that mean the most to you and are for you alone. I've noticed an expression of tenderness offered in a kiss after completion that's not given in swap situations. This could help you separate his actions in performing with other women from what's yours and what's just play.

[jeff n nikki]

you need to find the root of your feelings( the jealousy and insecurity)....are you worried he will leave you?.......i doubt that! after a night of swinging does he act diiferent towards you? if so then HE has issues if not then?????????????? everything should be ok! nikki and i get more turned on and our love grows! are you afraid he will have a better time with another women than he has with you? i hope nicole gets her rocks off better with someone else.......isnt this lifestyle about having as much fun as possible??????????? you need to really decide if this llifestyle is for you......i think it is based on the fact that when you are with males you are having lots of fun.........you need to UPROOT whatever it is that is upsetting you.......as for any guilt and shame you have after......that comes from 2000 yrs of religion and our current societal views that have been programming you since birth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sex is fun!!!!!!!!!PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do what you want as long as it doesnt harm the person or property of another( libertarians main ideology) take care ....good luck.......no shame or guilt and happy fucking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 its about getting your rocks off(ultimately)

[JBirdsxs2]

HI

We know exactly how you feel. I was reading your post and the first question that pops in my mind is... Can you isolate what it is exactly that makes you feel all of the feelings you do? For example is he kissing the other female passionatly? If you can then the two of you should set a few rules and guidelines. If this is something that triggers the sadness then your first rule should be no kissing. Perhaps after the emotional triggers are found you could also have a signal that you need a little extra from him. The two of you could take a little break or meet in the middle for a little tender exchange and reassure you. Then get on with the fun! I'm no Dr Phill and I dont have all of the answers but I hope my 2cents helps. JBird

[curious_in_ont]

Just keep reminding yourself, Not Better, Just Different.

[Mich149]

I agree with most all that's been posted above, and I don't have a lot to add. Just one thing, actually. If it's the actual sex, not the foreplay and oral play, that bothers you, maybe you could try soft swap and do everything but sex. Just a suggestion.

[DBL D]

Hi Sad,

I too hope that you will soon be able to change your moniker, hopefully not to "Ex-Swinger".

However, it is this very thing that tells most couples that they can't do it.

All I want to tell you is that if your hubby loves you and you want to continue, some adjustments and concessions will have to be made. I have been very confused when this has come up in our relationship. Fem D wants to "plow ahead" and that is to her credit, but not always to her (or my) benefit in the short run. Long run: nothing but positives could come of it.

Maybe you could try the soft swap thing. It has it's positives. Most swingers wouldn't want to have that kind of relationship for any long length of time, but an understanding couple can help tons in this area.

Separate rooms is another possiblilty. You wouldn't have to see him and you could let loose yourself. Most swingers, again, may not want that to always happen. They love to see their mates enjoy themselves.

Good luck to you both.

Male D

[JustAskJulie]

I see a lot of issues at play here.

1. His reasoning that your feelings were unfair is unfounded. Just because you enjoy your own play doesn't mean you have any less reason for feeling confused, jealous or insecure. If you were trying to say that you wanted to continue for your own pleasure but wanted him to stop then he would have grounds for his argument.

2. You were taking a break so why did you start swinging again?

3. Have you really talked to him about your feelings, not just about the jealousy and insecurity but have you told him that you really aren't sure you want to be doing it either that you feel guilty on your own part? Basically, have you told him what you have told us?

Unlike Male D, I do think that you should be an ex-swinger. From the sounds of it you don't want to be swinging and you definately shouldn't be doing it just to please your fiance. He needs to be considering your feelings as well, but then you need to be making sure that he is aware of your feelings.

[DBL D]

I was hoping that she wouldn't have to be one...but she may. As I stated, this is the main reason for non-success in the lifestyle.

Male D

[WildMainePussy]

I'm wondering, in retrospect, if she's concerned about losing him....since they are still only engaged at this point after two years, there's no definite ties beyond the promise and premise they'll get married. She might feel the expanded bedroom might be delaying his perminent commitment to her?

I agree that perhaps the swinging should be stopped until she feels more secure in thier relationship....this doesn't sound like a little bump in the road that can be gotten over easily.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by WildMainePussy

I'm wondering, in retrospect, if she's concerned about losing him....since they are still only engaged at this point after two years, there's no definite ties beyond the promise and premise they'll get married. She might feel the expanded bedroom might be delaying his perminent commitment to her?

I agree that perhaps the swinging should be stopped until she feels more secure in thier relationship....this doesn't sound like a little bump in the road that can be gotten over easily.

Dito

That's the first thing I thought of too.

IMHO, they haven't been together long enough. I'm not saying that swinging isn't for them, but I think perhaps they should focus on eachother and their upcoming marriage right now. There's plenty of time to swing later.