Jelousy.. experiences, advice to help overcome

[nccouple28]

THis board is great. We have gathered alot of information thru here. Good Job to everyone that shares!!!
We have been talking about swinging, the idea thrills me, and seems to be very exciting! We talked about a MFM , but after talking and discussing some issues , we felt another couple would be a better idea. I feel like I am upholding a double standard that its ok to bring in another guy but no way to another woman. It felt selfish on my part, and my hubby agrees, even though he is perfectly ok with sharing me with another.
My issue now is that the idea of him with another woman makes my stomach hurt, I know he loves me and would never leave me or do anything that would ever hurt me. I feel that I am concerned about how I matchup to the other woman, what if she is better at something than me , or if he likes her techniqe better than mine. What if afterwords he does not receive enjoyment from me doing these things to him?

Did any of you expereince swingers go thru the same thing?? If so how did you get over this hurdle, what did you do to help overcome these feelings. ?
Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
K

[jim-n-nicole]

Actually, we go looking for people with better technique! If we find someone who does something better, we watch, learn, and do it ourselves next time! A number of times I have asked Nikki, "now, how was he doing that again?" It is now in *my* bag-o-tricks!

It's all in your attitude!

Take care and have fun. If you two are anything like most couples I have spoken with, then your sex life with each other will actually improve!!

Jim

[EvilMJ]

you just have to keep reminding yourself that it is you that he loves.

My friend once addmited she was a little nervous at first and was worried that i might give a better blow job than her. Her husband told her to stop worrying about it as no matter what happened it was not a matter of being better, just different.

She said that helped her a lot. I guess it is just time and experience that helps that to go away.

Just make sure you are comfortable with everything that you do and lots of communication with hubby never hurts either.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by nccouple28

I feel that I am concerned about how I matchup to the other woman, what if she is better at something than me , or if he likes her techniqe better than mine. What if afterwords he does not receive enjoyment from me doing these things to him?

Both jim-n-nicole and EvilMJ had excellent comments...It's all in the attitude and it's not necessarily better, just different.

Chances are that you will run across someone who has a different technique than you when doing something, but the way I see it is if everyone did it exactly the same way what would be the use in trying different people.

The thing to remember is when you are playing with others there won't be the emotional ties that you have with your SO, that in itself will make things different. No matter if another woman does something outstanding to your husband or another man does something outstanding to you, you will never (or should never) not receive enjoyment when your with your SO.

We have a friend that from what Ted and the other men in our little group says gives an excellent, out of this world blow job...I don't feel threatened by her technique or insecure in anyway. It does not mean that Ted does not enjoy or receive pleasure when I blow him, it's just different and it tickles me that he has the opprotunity to experience this.

Relax, take it slow and remember no matter how good it is with someone else, it will never be as good as what you have at home.

Teresa

[nccouple28]

Thank you to all....that was very informative and made me realize a couple of things. I am starting to understand that the concept of better isnt better...just different. We have a wonderful sex life and sometimes feel that how could it possibly get better, but obviously from several posts that if it does get better, then its a wonderful thing. We are talking alot in detail and everytime we do, I feel better about something.

I know that he loves me and that emotional ties to him are strong. You are all right when you state that there will not be anything like that if we do bring in another couple and that alone makes those stomach pains disapate.

Going thru this process verbally so far is good. I just now need to worry about what to so as far as talking with another couple. Im sure that this will be ok once it happens. The old saying that curiousity killed the cat. Its just all the curiousity is killing me.In a good way!! There are just so many questions that will be answered as we take this journey together.

Thanks for everything, this board and its memebers have been so helpful. We will be asking several more questions and love to read the responses!!!

K

[good times]

These feelings you are having are not at all unusuall. My wife was extremely worried about how she would feel the first time she saw me with another women, but when it happened she said her only reaction was that it really turned her on, and neither one of us has ever experianced any of the negetive issues we had previously worried about. I agree with what the others have said too, I've never had that feeling that someone was better than my wife but have experianced some delightfull new techniques that we later tried out with each other.

[DBL D]

Hi nccouple28,

I would try to place yourself in the other ladies shoes and imagine how she would feel about it. All's fair in love and war right, but this is neither. So try to be fair. Do you see yourself ever changing your feelings about this?

Male D

[Hellboy]

I think that's the biggest attraction to swinging for me. To give my wife something I cannot give her. Like the touch of a woman, or a man hung better than I (that was difficult to type!)

Here's an off the wall suggestion, rest of yall feel free to shoot it down if you disagree, but my wife and I are moving slowly toward swinging and went to a strip club as an intermediate step. My wife admitted she was afraid of being jealous to have another woman's ummm.... goodies in my face, but when it happened, it was the complete opposite. It turned her on. Try going to a gentlmen's club and gague your feelings when he is not necassarily touching, but definitely looking at it lustily.

Somethings can be worked out in time, and for some people they can't. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Sure, there is going to be a little fear involved with anything new, but you can tell the difference between nervous butterflies and being truly scared. Talk to him and keep an open line of communication. This is something (swinging) you are going to do together and he should help you deal with the issues preventing you from embracing it, or accept you are not going to break your limits.

[jim-n-nicole]

Originally Posted by Hellboy

Try going to a gentlmen's club and gauge your feelings when he is not necassarily touching, but definitely looking at it lustily.

You are right on the money...I had forgotten about this phase of our slow move into this world. Nikki and I went to strip clubs many times before we finally went to a swing club. I am sure you are right...we were unknowingly testing the waters and gauging each other's reaction to contact - or near contact. This is where I discovered she likes lap dances too.

Jim.

[Hellboy]

I dunno, if you had gone to the dive we stumbled into, there was no "near" about the contact....hehehe....Yeah, that surprised me. I thought she would think that was nice and kinda cool, but get really embarrassed, but she really got into it and that night was some of the best sex we ever had (err, when we got home)

[nccouple28]

Thanks so much for your advice, we have decided to test the jealousy issue at a strip club, kinda test the waters and if there are some feelings go home and talk about it and see how our communication skills work out.

Thanks so much
M&K

[Hellboy]

Awesome! Have fun! A word of caution, though. For us, even though my wife got totally into it and completely switched on, don't try to jump to fast to a next step as I have learned to my consternation. But there are plenty of other threads running that deal with those issues.....

[CB_n_Red]

We never seem to have had any jealousy issues, possibly due to the amount of talking we did before we ever played, but also I think, because of the love we have for each other.

No doubt it also helps that we invariably end the night with each other and the sex then is always the best, however good it has been with others. No doubt this is down to the emotional context.

So to answer the question, I reckon it was the talking that did it. All the potential fears and jealousies were long since laid to rest before we got anywhere near anyone else!

CB