Pangs of jealousy....or something?

[fraja]

I just had my first swinging experience this past weekend....we are a couple in our early 50's and my soon-to-be husband had been in the lifestyle with his former wife. I met a couple who had been friends of his. They were absolutely wonderful and gave me the comfort level I needed for my first experience. I've been okay although it has produced some emotional issues since, mainly with myself. My fiance is so careful of my feelings that he couldn't perform although had a great time. All was well. We're set to meet with a new couple this weekend that we just met last week and had a nice social time with. My sweetie states how very attracted he is to her. Backing up a bit, after we met them (the new couple) and had a great time I had some real questions in my mind if I could go through with this. He found her so hot and was vocal about it, then kissed her goodnight (we were at a dance). I felt betrayal because we were not there to do anything more than to have some fun and get to know them. He is as light as can be knowing we'll be with them in a few days. I'm trying to sort out how I really feel and am soooo confused! They're such nice people and I don't want to disappoint him so I'm going along with the mindset that I'll be fine with it but there's so much uncertainty inside me and I give it way too much thought everyday. I know my guy loves me and is quick to show it. I really think it's just my newness that is bringing all this up but I do struggle. He wants me to be looking for couples everyday and asks if I have (we've been with several women and then just the one couple). I've read other similar posts and the advice seems to be to slow down when feeling overwhelmed. I'm hoping I can do this without upsetting him....(we even have one of our "girls" coming tonight). I guess I fear that this lifestyle will overtake our time and pleasure together. That's a replacement I don't ever want. Just needed to talk this through a bit...thanks for listening.

[sensuality]

Does your husband know you're feeling this way? Have you expressed to him how you feel about him kissing that lady? First and foremost in any relationship,but especially one in the lifestyle...you have to COMMUNICATE!!!!!
It seems like you aren't doing that.It's going too fast for you.Not only that,but it seems like you may have a bit of insecurity because he is so over the top excited about being with this other woman.Which is perfectly normal and understandable.Do you want to go through with this? Because you absolutely do not have to.I'm sure you've read in other threads that the pace in swinging is usually set by the slowest one in the relationship,and that would be you...he needs to tone it down a bit and go at your pace...perhaps you felt he was out of line kissing her like that when you guys were just supposed to be checking things out? Please don't do anything else until you've read a book or 2 written specifically for newbies and perhaps even subscribe to the Lifestyle Magazine...when we first got into this, we talked until we both got everything out...and we do this on a regular basis,even now.And, we've been into this for about a year actively...Bottom line...you have to talk to him and not be afraid of upsetting his applecart...this is about you both,not one of you...Keep going through the boards and educate yourself and him about all aspects of the lifestyle, and openly discuss every facet with your partner.Good luck!!

[fraja]

thanks for the guidance....yes, I told him how I felt (calmly) but I was upset and we left a little early. It turned into a huge deal...anger, tears, etc. We settled and talked openly the next day. He was willing to quit then but I sensed resentment. So that night we got together with his friends (and my first couple experience) and things went great. He was deeply in tuned with how I felt. Now I just feel a bit hurried again and like I said, I just feel weird about his feelings toward this woman....although I don't feel like this constantly...it's in and out of my mind and I so much want to get past all this because I want to do this. I've thought about just asking for a soft swap the first time with them and get used to things that way...still it's this whole deal about not wanting him to be upset because it seems he does get that way. You are so right about communication and we are into it but this issue seems to strike a nerve. I guess timing of conversations are everything too. Anyway, yes, I've read that the lifestyle for a couple goes with the slowest one and it makes perfect sense....as long as he gets that. I feel like I've rambled but the other posts really help me because I see I'm not alone. I also read how seeing your man do another woman gets easier and I believe that must be true. I guess I have some options here and need to use them. Thanks for understanding.

[CB_n_Red]

Normally I wouldn't think anything of such a goodnight kiss and neither would Red, but clearly in your case it is important and that's what matters here. At least it seems you are both talking about things, as is good and necessary.

Slowing things down a bit sounds to be a good option for you. Nothing wrong with soft swinging there!

Your situation sounds similar to one currently going on with some good friends of ours. The other wife is the one with the uncertainties, so we are all taking it slowly. It got as far as a soft swing last week (even though Red and I had long since decided that we were really full swap types). It was appropriate in the circumstances. Now the other wife is talking about "when" not "if"....

Hope your situation works out that well!

CB

[EvilMJ]

I agree with the others when they say slow down and communicate. I understand how you feel about his reaction to the other woman. It is natural when your husband acts that way, that you would feel that he is somehow more excited by her, even if that is not really the case. I remember there was a night where my husband was tired (he gets cranky when he is tired) and he was treating me differently then his swap partner and allowing her to do things that he wouldn't let me do. I got really upset about it, feeling like he wanted her more, but when it came down to it he had no idea that he was treating me this way and felt awful when I said something about it.
That is where commication is so important. You have to let him know how his reaction to this woman affects you, maybe he just needs to tone things down a bit and make you feel comfortable with this new situation.

That is always my adivce talk. Sometimes hubby gets a little tense but when I tell him why I need to talk about something he relaxes and gets very receptive. You have your needs and your pace and he needs to know what that is. When suggesting a soft swap (which I think is the best idea) you need to tell him why and let him know that this is just a starting point so that you feel comfortable with the situation.

I have said before swinging is about the enjoyment of both partners in a realtionship and if one is not happy then it is not a good idea.

I hope you guys work things out!! Keep us informed.

[hytril]

Sounds to me like another area of problem is the fact tht he is an exp swinger and you are not. Not that this is a bad thing, it just makes for some situations that need to be watched for. He is use to going at a faster pace, knows what he wants from swinging. Wherease you are just getting into it, might not be to sure about what you want out of it all, but willing to try. My wife and I are both new to swinging and we are constantly talking about it. Making sure we are both ok, what we want out of it, what we dont want out of it. If any problems come up we voice them and talk about it. Its not always easy either. Esp when you mix in emotions and desires. And add to that all the stuff from day to day life (work, family, friends, bills ect) and you can have a keg of powder ready to go off. Communication is the key. Often it also helps to state where the feeling or thoughts are coming from. I know on several occasions when my wife had explained something to me I have told her I did not understand. I wanted to understand but I did not with the way she presented it. Hopefully things for you to consider. In the end have fun and hopefully swing on!

[sensuality]

Perhaps, you should also not allow interactions between him and this woman for now.Maybe there's just something about her that rubs you the wrong way...it could be his interest and it's unnerving for you at this stage of the game. We all go through this, I went through a few situations in the beginning where there have been times I've had that twinge of "I don't know if I like him doing that",but have since learned that...A.We trust and love each other immensely.B. I want to be free to do the same things.C.We are going home together and that is all that matters.
Just convey to him that while you do want to explore the lifestyle, you would really appreciate it if he could slow it down a bit.And, again, talk, talk, talk!!! I always tell my hunny that we have to always talk to each other and discuss everything...even the stuff we think the other may not want to talk about or hear,you can't limit yourself to only saying what doesn't make him angry...the only way you'll have growth in your relationship, is to talk and argue and discuss and talk about things and get it all out in the open!
I wish you the best of luck and have fatih that your husband loves you and in the end, things will work out fine!

[GeorgiaCouple]

hmmmmm.... we have been in the lifestyle for a little over a year now. We started out with 3somes and moved on to full swap. I had to deal with the jealously issues several times from both of us. When one of us has this particular issue, we step back, slow down and talk...talk is the key word. We have a particular time of night, where we cuddle up and talk about what we think of a couple, or a bi-fem we have met. we talk about how we are feeling and what each of us expect.

This weekend, we did a full swap with another couple..our first same room swap. This was a first time hubby has heard me scream for another man...and it had a very big effect on him, so much so that he had a mental block and performance issues. This was really okay for the other woman as she was overly tired and I dont think really interested in more than maybe a little soft play...and that is what they did.... but afterwards..when we were back with our S.O. he was very quiet...and I knew that something was bothering him..and at about 4am he finally opened up and told me what had happened and what was bothering him.....we talked and walk thru the issue together.... now everything is back to normal (as normal as we can be) and looking forward to meeting with the couple again...and he is activly seeking other couples and single bi-fems.

Dont let yourself be hurried into any situation..you have to feel comfortable and dont let yourself be pressured into it. Talk, communicate is the most important thing.

For us, I love it when hubby is attracted to the other woman....and I love to hear him talk about her and what he wants and expects.... its a turn on for me...but then I am a voyuer...I love to watch hubby with other women and I also like to be watched.

Each has their own pace to go at..and each has their own does and donts....being new to this...you have to learn your speed, the bridges you dont want crossed..and plz, plz always communicate this to your hubby....let him know when he does something that confuses you, hurts you...or something you dont like.... that is very important in this lifestlye.

[SexhoundDog]

Fraja,

I detect a little apprehension on your part, and rightfully so. You say your newfound man loves you and treats you great, but the swing thing is going a bit too fast for you. I agree with you and then some. I see a few things that I think you are rightfully concerned about. I suppose you could either talk to him outright about them or maybe bait him in a few different ways to find out a few things you’d like to know.

1) You say you’re afraid that the lifestyle will replace your time together based on what your fiancé wants you to do as far as constantly making new contacts, etc. It almost sounds like he’s got an obsession with it to me. I think you are to be commended for jumping right in, and hopefully you did so because you were curious for yourself as well. From where I sit, I’d listen to you REAL carefully if I were him because I don’t think you’re asking for much at all in wanting to feel like you’re first. It would sure beat the hell out of you saying “fine, we won’t play at all any more.” I’m glad you had fun playing with the male of the other couple in your couple experience, and hey, you’re just simply saying you don’t want to be consumed with swinging all the time. Totally understandable, which leads me to number 2.
2) You also mention that you’ve been with lots of single women in threesomes. Hell yeah, your man has to like that arrangement! Here’s where I think baiting him could be interesting (and fun for you too!) facelick How about telling him the next time he asks about what you’ve found for playmates that you’ve gotten in touch with some single men for some MFM action? If he’s gung ho, do you want to do that too?

I personally would like my wife to try the MFM so she’d have a few more playmates in her life. If it led to couples swap and she wasn’t insecure, that would be fine too. I can guarantee you this though. If she did want to play, I’d be delighted. But if I mentioned playing again and she didn’t want to as often as I’d like, I sure wouldn’t bring it up so often as to disturb her and risk her not wanting to play ever again. Why kill the goose that laid the golden egg?

[fraja]

You've all been soooo good to me in answering my fears and concerns and offering great advice...thanks! Tonight we meet with the couple that I mentioned (the one that caused concern for me at the dance). They seem like a wonderful, committed couple and I believe I would value a long term friendship with them. There just seems to be so many options with this lifestyle...I really hate that it should be trial and error...wish there was a checklist of important topics that every couple should cover before doing a swap, whether full or soft. We're meeting them halfway for dinner and it seems that may be all there is to it tonight, but, of course, there are always chances for something more...I have no way of knowing right now. I fear, in a way, telling him that I really think it should end at dinner because I'm not even sure if I want it to end!! I think a soft swap is more than enough for now with them. He does get a little upset and quiet if I opt for something that is opposite of what HE wants. Yet he is wonderful man otherwise and I've never been loved so much in the way I want (as I am with him). Last night we chatted online with a new couple...he wanted to meet them this weekend and yet, fortunately, we will meet them for dinner during the week next week. I absolutely know I would have felt overwhelmed if they had wanted to jump right in this weekend....if we do anything more than dinner tonight, it will be three "meetings" in 7 days....that is more than I can deal with. Of course, right now I'm dealing with health issues, new upcoming job, new lifestyle (swinging), moving from my apartment in a few days AND planning a wedding in 4 weeks!!! Who wouldn't be overwhelmed??!! I know that the newness of our committed relationship has much to do with all of this. We're still learning about each other because we haven't been together for years yet. Also, there were some cheating issues with him in our relationship...on the internet mostly but he met some other women while I was with him....these things have all been resolved and there were a lot of dynamics involved because of his confusion after his divorce and life altering experience....we're together now and I feel loved, valued and much more trusting than ever...otherwise I could never marry him in a month. I'll let you know tomorrow how tonight goes...but I'm nervous, no doubt. Thanks, again.

[sensuality]

I wish you a lot of luck,but there's a part of me that says...STOP! There is way tooooo much going on in your life right now for you to make a rational decision about things.Clearly,you don't want to UPSET your hunny...and in turn,you aren't respecting or listening to yourself.And, as for cheating on you in the past?For me, all bets would have been off, my philosophy is once a cheater, always a cheater...But, I digress,I am not you and do not know your total personal history, therefore I am just sticking my nose in here and putting in my opinion. All I can say now is, only go as fast as you absolutely feel comfortable with. And, you better put your foot down now, because if you're thinking things will change once your married? Trust me, it won't and it might even get worse if you don't stand up for yourself now. Take care...and please don't take offense at what I am writing,because I sincerely do not want to offend you.

[fraja]

Good morning...not to have this turn into a glorified therapy session...but it's been so helpful. Here's the scenario....we met the couple I've spoken about last night...wonderful dinner, nice conversation, nice people. I arrived (with the knowledge of all concerned) with a two day old sore throat and a yeast infection...yuck. Ladies, you might have had the experience of keeping a commitment while you burned and itched...with the medication waiting in the car, that you just picked up. I couldn't wait to get home, apply it and lie down. After dinner the option came up from the other couple to visit them for awhile. I declined due to how I was feeling...I believe I would have accepted if conditions were different. They were both very understanding and said we could visit soon...but my sweetie was a bit put out and I knew it. Nothing was said until in bed last night...why does that seem to be the place? I knew he was put out with me by his attitude and behavior all the way home...silence and overly pretending to be okay. Men don't get what it's like....although into our strained conversation in bed, he said over and over that he cares that I'm not feeling well. Still, he was hard to hide his disappointment. I came unglued as in "meltdown" and went to the living room for awhile to have a good, stress-reducing cry. I DON'T want to disappoint him. The thing is, before going to the living room I blurted out "I don't want to have sex with another man...this couple is so nice but I'm not attracted to this man...I'm still trying to get over last weekend." I know that I should be able to say that and express my feelings but it's likely he'll clam up and say that we enver have to do that...but without a good, honest and LOVING discussion where two people respect each other, I believe resentment will build....not a good way to start out. I really want to talk this out with him. I felt alone and confused. The woman we had with us on Tuesday is one of the few that I trust completely....we all have a good time. I'm very bi, or so I've come to realize, so that is a great time to me. Why is it that I can do so well with the threesomes but freak out over the couples thing? He has a great time with me and the few ladies I have come to build trust and passion with. I know that some things may come from my background (former Baptist minister's wife...yeah, you heard right). Just this year, really, I've begun to expand my horizons and get to know who I really am for the first time ever...it takes time!!!! More than ever I need guidance, someone to lead me along carefully. My guy has supported and encouraged my new found freedom and I'm so fortunate to have him....still, things are going too fast. I also think it's entirely possible that I would find another couple and be very attracted and have a good time. I'm not writing off any possibilities. So while I'm uncomfortable with the present situation, it is not to say that another time I will feel differently. It's just that I can't figure out WHY right now. I'm also stressed big time with my current life and so much to do in so little time....that may have lots to do with it....right down to having a sore throat and yeast infection...all stress related in my case. I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to necessarily stop what we're doing but rather slow way down and talk things out, as you've all stressed is so important and what you all do as couples. A lot of this just may be in the timing...too much, too soon and too much going on. I'm completely overwhelmed. That's where we're at this morning. Thanks again....

[EvilMJ]

I am going to say something just based on your description and you may not like it and since I only have one side of the story, it may not be correct - I don't feel that your man is very supportive and understanding.
He seems quite selfish to me. He sounds like he wants to rush in but when you tell him you are not ready yet or are unwell he acts like a spoiled child who isn't getting his way.

If you are not attracted to someone then don't swing with them, if you are not comfortable with the pace, slow it down, if you only want threesomes, then just have threesomes. He needs to be more understanding of your needs and emotions. This is a serious subject and if you are not both of the same mind on how to proceed, the pace to proceed and your prefrences, then it is just not going to work. You are going to get pressured into something you don't want to do and regret it later.

Honestly, you haven't done anything with this couple yet and already it is putting strain on your relationship. I think you two need to stop and talk...seriously talk this over because you are unsure of what you want, you cannot enjoy yourself if you aren't honest with each other. My hubby and I have an agreement, if either of us doesn't want to do something or feels uncomfortable then we have the right to say so without anyone getting angry or resentful. If he did not want to swing one night and i did, then we would not swing, we would go home and enjoy each other.

I hope you two work this out because you sound like a lovely person and deserve to be happy.

[lizandtom]

I think I can help a bit in describing what's going on, from a male perspective. First, a little background; we've been married for 12 years and I have picked up on my wife's curious side through little innuendo's during the years. I took the first step by suggesting a trip to Hedo3 with a bi female group. We went and she totally hooked with another girl for 3 blissful days. Seeing this I ASSUMED there would be a natural progression to keep exploring and take things further, but became a bit too pushy here at home to "find others." It was too much at once and she clammed up with the whole idea, and I got really down about it. Like your husband (probably similar) I too go through moody periods and SUBCONSCIOUSLY give my wife the silent treatment which is the worst thing she says she experiences. This is when my expectations are moving much faster than hers. From a males view, if things aren't progressing the way we expect them too or at a certain pace, we become childish and portend that if we can't keep going at our expected pace, then we should, perhaps, just stop the whole thing. I think he just needs to know that you're into it but that the timing just has to be a little better regarding your health and that you wish to be somewhat selective. This may just offer enough reassurance to him and open communication that he will be satisfied that things are progressing (which both of you want), just not at an uncomfortable pace.

My wife brought my poor behaviour to my attention and I knew she was right; after a day or so I explained to her, though, that it also was important to me to continue to explore this path. She was understanding and supportive, but most importantly it gave me the knowledge that (as has been said throughout this board) we have to go at her pace (the slowest of the two). We have set up our first local encounter for next month and we'll see how it goes. Hope this helps, and is applicable (if reading your message right).

[talltxlady]

Things definitely seem to be moving to fast. My hubby (hytril) and I are totally new to swinging. I still remember how surprised I was when he suggested it. I had thought about it in the past but never thought he'd go for it so I didn't say anything. Throughout the entire time we've been talking about it, we've done everything "together", from posting on this board, to signing up on Swing Lifestyle. We don't contact someone unless we both agree, we write most of the emails together and discuss everything to make sure we're on the same page and going at a pace that's comfortable for BOTH of us. There have been several times that I've thought about something and talked w/ my hubby to say, "you know, i really don't want to do xyz". And he says, "ok".

If you are only comfortable with the FMF, then stick with that until you are ready for more. TALK to your fiance. Let him know how you feel.

From everything I've read, swinging is for the enjoyment of everyone. If you aren't having a good time, then chances are the other couple won't either.

I hope things work out for both of you.

talltxlady (married to hytril)