jealousy

[cplhavngfun]

Hi everyone! I am kind of in a dilemma and would love some advise. My husband is gone a lot on business and while he is away he goes to a swingers club on the weekends. This weekend he was invited to a "private" party which of course ended up as an "orgy". I have been ok with him playing up till this party. I am suddenly feeling very insecure about this and jealous. I am not sure if the jealousy is about the sex specifically, or the fact that it was a private party or that I am unable to play due to having small children and no one to watch them. I dont really want to stop him from attending the swingers club and meeting people, but at this point I am confused and feeling somewhat betrayed that these other women are getting from him what I am unable to have at this time. I dont know if this makes sense or if anyone else has felt this or if there is any advise on how to get over the feeling and continue with the lifestyle.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by cplhavngfun

. . . I dont know if this makes sense or if anyone else has felt this or if there is any advise on how to get over the feeling and continue with the lifestyle.

I am confused. You mention your husband's swinging activity, however you say nothing about yourself.

How have you been involved in the lifestyle up to this point?

Knowing more about you would help me offer some advice.

Welcome! Glad you are here. I hope to learn more about you.

LM

[littlebit54]

Dito to what LM said. To me, there seems to be a big differnce in "going to a swinger's club" alone and an even bigger one in going to a "private party" alone. Had you ever discussed the idea with him before or did he just mention it after the fact?

Those are big decisions and in mho should always, always be made with full knowledge and consent of the other party (after long honest converstions).

Did you actively swing together (perhaps) before you had children? If so, it seems you would have discussed these issues then. But, that's just me. I would want to know if my S/O was going it alone.

BTW, welcome to the world of posting. We have no idea what is going on, unless you are specific...lol

littlebit54

[JustAskJulie]

I'm a little confused as well, and I hope you will come back and help clear up some of these questions we are having.

Are you guys active swingers when you are together? Or have you just given him permission to play when he is away? Or even that? Do you also play solo?

[Vespertine]

Dito to all of the above. I'm curious to know the answers to their questions.

[cplhavngfun]

Sorry about the confusion, when we were first together were would swing together and then kids, so no swinging at all. I am now at home taking care of our 2 young boys in a new state that we moved to in May, so I dont really know anyone here yet. No one to help watch the boys and no one that is in the lifestyle. We are exploring this open sexual marriage again. So far, due to circumstances he is the only one who is able to play. He was home for 7 days last week and we tried to find a sitter so that we could play together, no luck. After several hours of conversation with him yesterday and my insecurites, he is wanting to stop (at least for a while - till I feel better) but I am not sure that is the extreme I want to take. I have not felt jealous up till this one experience, and he has played a few times by himself. I have come to the conclusion that I was just jealous that the women he was expressing himself with were getting a part of him that I am unable to have at this time. I assume that those feelings are pretty normal. Is that right???? I really do like the fact that he is exploring and experiencing new things and having fun. We have a good marriage in which there is genuine concern for each others feelings, we continue to work on our communication, which could always be better, but I think that I will probably get over these feelings. Any suggestions? Thank you for trying to give advice when I was so scattered! I hope this clarifies, but it may just confuse the issue more.

[TexasBlondie]

This is our guy posting:

Not being a lady I am not sure what to say or how to say it but I will tell you that we had a couple who were swinging friends who had a smiliar dillema as the two of you. Both worked and they had three kiddos to take care of.

What they ended up doing was to take turns watching the kids while the other went out to clubs or with couples like us. That lasted about five or six months before the jealousy took over and they started distrusting one another. Ultimatley it got them out of the lifestyle and almost divorced. We haven't heard from them in a few months so I am not sure what is going on in their lives right now. The "not knowing" can get the best of any of us.

Therefore my advise to you is to ask your hubby to cool it down and the both of you work on a sitter to enjoy the lifestyle together as a couple. I know that is easier said than done but it's my two cents worth.

Hugs

[WesternSwing]

I don't know what the ratio between having sex with your spouse and play partners would be for others, but I think most people would feel a little cheated if they were not having more sex with their spouse than others are. So what you are feeling is normal.

I think in swinging the most important play partner is your own spouse or significant other. They are the first priority, always. I know that I would be jealous if others were getting more from my spouse than I do. And I have felt that way when for some reason or another during a spell my wife and I have had more opportunities to have sex with others than with eachother. Somewhere in my little mind I begin to feel discounted. But it was openly discussed, and it turned out she was feeling the same way. It's lead to situations where we've been with a familiar couple and my wife has flat-out said she wanted to just soft swap that night because it had been a while for us.

It sounds like your husband is okay with not swinging for awhile. On the other hand your statement

Originally Posted by cplhavingfun

he is wanting to stop (at least for a while - till I feel better) but I am not sure that is the extreme I want to take.

confuses me because he is offering you the solution, but you don't want to take it. My advice... take a break. When your time permits you will both get back into it at a comfortable pace. Besides, it will give you two some time to reconnect, and that can be nothing but good for your relationship.

Mr. WS

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by cplhavngfun

. . . at this point I am confused and feeling somewhat betrayed that these other women are getting from him what I am unable to have at this time.

. . . I have come to the conclusion that I was just jealous that the women he was expressing himself with were getting a part of him that I am unable to have at this time. I assume that those feelings are pretty normal. Is that right????

If other woman are getting something from your husband that you are not, this is terribly sad to me.

What you have is not swinging in my book. This isn't even an "open sexual marriage" as you called it because your husband is the only one playing around with others. Based on what you've told us, you are getting nothing out of this arrangement.

Feeling jealous and confused and even hurt would be a normal reaction. Your feelings are a sign that something needs to change.

Could it be that you are feeling inadequate at this time in your life, or not sexy as a mom? I've not had kids, but I understand this can happen. Maybe there is more to explore in your relationship with your husband. Whatever it may be, your husband having sex on his own seems inappropriate and very risky.

LM

[mixedcouple3426]

LM took the words right out of my fingers.I only have one question.Why can't your hub watch the kids so you can go out and have some fun too ?

[cplhavngfun]

Thank you for all the comments, it is appreciated and will consider everything you have all taken the time to share with me!

[littlebit54]

Good idea cplhavinfun. Talk more with your husband; and let him know exactly what his "playing alone" is doing to your confidence in yourself and you're relationhip (sexually) with him. I agree with WesternSwing when he (a guy) said that your husband has offered the solution to your problem and perhaps you should take him up on it.
Kids don't stay kids forever (thank heavens); and when the time is right for you to both get back into swinging it will be so much more fun for the wait and the consideration he's given you during this time.
I know it's hard to accept the gifts (for fear of seeming selfish) we are offered, but, you really shouldn't feel at all bad about this one.
But, whatever road you decide to take; Good Luck!

littlebit

[JustAskJulie]

I think your husband is right in wanting to stop. At least until you both feel that you are getting enough of each other to WANT to share with other people. Give yourselves some time to acclimate to this new location and to meet some people and make some friends together. Once you have done that you will feel better when he is away and even if you aren't playing alone, at least you won't be totally alone. I have a feeling that latter feeling is as much a cause of what you are feeling as anything else.

[hytril]

First off I am glad to hear that he is willing to talk to you about it. You dont know how many men I have wanted to slap around becuase they treat loving caring women like dirt due to thier male ego's. I might be new to the lifestyle but I do understand the basics behind solving a couples problems. What my wife and I do is sit down. Talk about what the problem is. Come up with serveral solutions each (so as everthing is not one sided). point out the good and bad in both. And together choose a solution that is acceptable to both. Now if later the solution is not working we revisit the problem and come up with more or modified solutions. It might sound easy but when emotions are running high it can be more difficult than filling out an IRS form. But good luck.

[jim-n-nicole]

Everyone has different comfort levels.

One of our rules is that we always play with both of us present...most of the fun in playing for me is watching her have fun! Nicole says she feels the same way.

So from our perspective, I don't think your feelings are out of line at all.

And it really doesn't matter what any of us think - if you would rather he take a breather until you both can play, that's all that matters!

Jim.