conflicting emotions

[mandj]

Hello again... We are a couple who is swinging with another couple and have enjoyed it immensly... my problem arose when i agreed to allow my hubby to sleep with a woman that he has talked with in another state when he is working down there. I am not jealous of the couple we swing with, but knowing that the possibility of him sleeping with this woman completly freaked me out. We discussed it many times, and yep i encouraged him to do it, thinking that we are swinging with a couple and i have no jealous feelings there. But then he went to the other state and took condoms with him, i was ok till that evening and he went out. My imagination went crazy, thinking of all the things he was doing. I'm not sure if the feelings i have are jealousy or insecurity.. cause my thougts were sure revolving around is she better than me...
Guess my questions are these... How come i am jealous or insecure over this woman and not the woman in the couple, and would it be right and ok to now deny him of this encounter after i encouraged him to go for it???

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by mandj

Guess my questions are these... How come i am jealous or insecure over this woman and not the woman in the couple

Probably because the unknown is far more frightening and threatening than the known. When you swing with this other couple, I'm assuming you're there. You know what's going on. Him meeting another woman without your presence probably feels different because you have no idea what's happening while you are not there. Do you know this woman? That might be your other reason for some self doubt. It's easy to imagine this woman as a total sexpot, without a flaw in the world if you don't know her. I personally wouldn't be able to handle it.

and would it be right and ok to now deny him of this encounter after i encouraged him to go for it???

I don't think there is a "right" in this situation, but I do think you need to tell him that you've changed your mind and you aren't comfortable with this open encounter anymore. Let him know that you aren't going to hold what happened against him, because, like you said, you consented initially, but let him know that this situation won't be happening in the future. To me, swinging is quite different than an open marriage, and having separate liasons in a different state is more of the open marriage type thing. It's fine for some people, but if you are staying up nights worrying over what he's doing with her, it is not the type of situation for the two of you.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by mandj

. . . We are a couple who is swinging with another couple and have enjoyed it immensly... my problem arose when i agreed to allow my hubby to sleep with a woman that he has talked with in another state when he is working down there. . .

Who is this woman in another state? By this I mean, did he seek out someone through a swinger site so that while in this other state he could swing?

If this woman is someone he met while travelling on business I would like to know. It would help me form my comments.

Could you tell us more about how your husband became acquainted with her? Also, have you ever met her or spoken with her?

LM

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by mandj

would it be right and ok to now deny him of this encounter after i encouraged him to go for it???

It would be absolutely right.

Last week, I was working a training shift one evening. Mrs Spoomonkey had made plans to entertain a couple with whom we have played with before. The reason is, their "Mrs" had been over a month ago for a MFF with us - so it was their turn... And what better opportunity than on a night when I would be out...

I have to be honest with you - I struggled with it all week leading up to it...

I felt so damn selfish knowing that we had played with his wife - and now I was considering pulling the plug on his chance to play with mine... But Mrs Spoomonkey and I talked about it and we agreed - if at any time I had second thoughts, I could call her and it would be cancelled (before or during). And she had that right as well...

As it was - it went off without a hitch and everyone had a great time - but I needed to know that I had the freedom to "freak out" if I needed to. After all - this is MY marriage we're talking about...

Yeah - pulling the plug would have made me a complete asshole... No doubt about that... But - I'd rather be an asshole than a guy who let something hurt my marriage... Mrs Spoo is far more important than this lifestyle to me.

We always play together - and have discovered that while playing apart is "against the rules" it is also our least favorite way to play. We may do it again with this couple (they are GREAT people and we feel like we can trust them completely) but it will likely become a "special occassion" kind of thing. I doubt we'll ever pursue it with anyone else...

Bottom line - playing apart is a different kind of animal. Don't beat yourself up for struggling with it.

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

There is a HUGE difference between being ok with swinging with another couple while you are present and him having sex with another woman in another state, while you are not there. The first and most obvious is simply that you aren't there and therefore don't know what is going on.
- You don't know this woman and don't know that she might have some hidden agenda. Does she even know your husband is married? Is this really just a sexual fling to her? Does she want more than that?
- He travels there often from the sounds of it, so you worry of what might happen over time if he continues to see her each time he goes and you are not there.

You need to talk to him and tell him that you were wrong to let it happen and that you were not ok with it but felt like you had to let him do it for whatever reason and put a stop to it. If you don't, you will be a ball of nerves every time he travels to that state wondering what is going on between them that he might not be telling you about.

[TexasBlondie]

Dear MandJ,

That's a tough one but it may have a simple solution.

I think that it would be within your rights, if it's really what you want, to request that he not see women alone anymore as both of you must agree to your personal "swinging rules".

I also think that Pepper & Drew hit your problem on the head when they said that your insecurity most likely arises from the fact that you are not there and part of the process. I don't know if this is the best analogy but I think it's kinda' like seeing a completely naked woman vs. a scantilly clad woman. The scantilly clad woman is more sexy as she leaves more to the imagination and in your case... you didn't get to see her at all which left EVERYTHING to the imagination.... and your imagination ran wild.

All that said I am assuming that you are not BI (or that the other lady is not) and that is the reason that you did not go with your husband. If that is the case and you still like the idea of allowing him to be with single women then just tell him that you want to be there to watch, film, take pics, etc.

For many swingers the lifestyle is a "together thing". What I mean by that is that in our relationship we only swing together as a couple and that is a rule that we both agreed on and have adhered to with great success.

Hugs,
Texas Blondie

[LikeMinds321]

I was trying to hold off on commenting on this situation until I gathered more info but that could be later than sooner so I'm just going to spill my guts...

If your husband met a woman while on a business trip and now wants to sleep with her whenever he goes there on business this isn't swinging. It might be called an open marriage if you both have decided to seek out sex partners on your own. But I doubt you have from how you wrote your post.

Things smell funny to me. I don't like it.

Why did you give him permission to meet her?

I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you are. Please fill us in.

LM

[EvilMJ]

I agree with what everyone has said. I know from our limited experiance with swinging that I have no problem with my husband being with another woman if I am in the room, but the one time that he was in a separate room It felt wrong to me and I didn't like it at all.

I personally would not be able to handle a whole other state! It would be to much. I think your feelings are vaild and you need to speak to him about it

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I was trying to hold off on commenting on this situation until I gathered more info but that could be later than sooner so I'm just going to spill my guts...

If your husband met a woman while on a business trip and now wants to sleep with her whenever he goes there on business this isn't swinging. It might be called an open marriage if you both have decided to seek out sex partners on your own. But I doubt you have from how you wrote your post.

Things smell funny to me. I don't like it.

Why did you give him permission to meet her?

I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you are. Please fill us in.

LM

Dito

I'm also curious to know the answers to LM's questions.

[good times]

Originally Posted by mandj

my questions are these... How come i am jealous or insecure over this woman and not the woman in the couple, and would it be right and ok to now deny him of this encounter after i encouraged him to go for it???

You should have no problem denying him this, as I don't think you should ever do anything like this if you find it uncomfortable. When we first started my wife went with another guy and I did the sit in the camp trailer (we were camping at the time) imagining all sorts of things route instead of being present and participating. The next day we discussed how stressed out it made me and we made the decision never to do that again, and always to play together in the future. Thats what we have done ever since and it is one of the best decisions we ever made in my opinion.

[mandj]

Hello again and thank you all for the advice, the answers to the question are... He did not seek her out, it was the other way around. She knows he is there cause he stays at the same hotel and she knows the people who own it... so she is told... she called him one night and asked him out for a drink, he refused and then showed up at his room... they sat and talked for a few hours and he got to know her... He was interested at the time but didn't cause he wanted to talk to me about it. No i have never met or spoken with this other woman... perhaps that would make a huge difference. Think i will bring that up when we talk about this... We did discuss it several times and i gave him permission thinking that i would not feel bad or insecure about the situation, cause i am not with the other woman in the couple and i wanted him to have some fun while out of town, instead of just work, and i love him, his pleasure is important to me... I am bi but not allowed to travel with him, his company does not allow it. I would love to meet this other woman if he is interested in her then she must be a good person, perhaps form a freindship with her someday... ya never know what could happen...

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by mandj

... He did not seek her out, it was the other way around. She knows he is there cause he stays at the same hotel and she knows the people who own it... so she is told... she called him one night and asked him out for a drink, he refused and then showed up at his room...

If I understand you correctly, you're saying the hotel owners told this woman that your husband was staying at the hotel. Sounds to me like the hotel and this woman have an arragement. The woman is called in by the hotel to seduce business men and have affairs with them in order to get the men to patronize the hotel on return business trips. In exchange I'd bet the woman receives something in trade.

mandj, what your husband is doing with this woman is not swinging and I think he knows it.

It's time you have a long talk with him and end this foolishness.

LM

He talked to you about it first. And you encouraged it.


If you decide to pull the plug on his activities, which I believe you have the right to do. Don't do it in a way that puts him in the blame.
He came to you and talked to about it first and you gave him your blessing.

At least he is not cheating.

I will go back into my hole now

[taomaster]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

There is a HUGE difference between being ok with swinging with another couple while you are present and him having sex with another woman in another state, while you are not there. The first and most obvious is simply that you aren't there and therefore don't know what is going on.

I think this hits the nail on the head. Many years ago Mrs. T had a 'friend' that I didn't know she was having sex with. This went on for 5 years. When I finally found out I was, to say the least, not very happy. It wasn't so much what she did - but the fact that I did not know what was going on.

After much work we put things back together again. The 'ghost' from that situation however has still been with us and had left me uneasy any time she developed a close friendship with another man.

This may sound crazy but the main reason for us to go to a club was to kill that ghost. I needed to see for myself that she was telling the truth when she said 'I enjoy the sex but I'm staying with you'. I believe it now

So I totally understand your feeling of unease about what goes on when you're not present. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with speaking your truth about this.

[robnbarb]

When We disscussed the "rules" one of the first ones out of the gate was "we had to be present" for this exact reason. As was said, the unknown is quite scary.