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Thread: She acts differently with other partners

  1. #1

    Default She acts differently with other partners

    Basically the title says most of it. We are relatively new ( a couple of months) and have had good experiences. However I have noticed that mrs ibrew does things differently with others than with me. I asked her if she would be willing to be like that with me sometimes and she said it was part of playing and not real. Still I feel a little jealousy when I see her with others in those ways. She also responded that it was degrading for me to ask for those aspects of swinging with others. I have been really trying to bring it up in a positive light, but ends up in an unpleasant argument. Maybe this has been answered in other posts but can't find it.

    I need a little help. Am I asking for a comparison of others, which we agreed we wouldn't do?

  2. #2

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    People feel different. People move differently. Are shaped differently. Maybe it's easier for her to have harder, raunchier sex with someone that she isn't in love with. I don't know as you didn't provide exactly what 'differently' is.

    I think you may have touched on the issue at hand. Jealousy. Talk to her about your feelings.

    You should be able to voice your concerns to your wife without it becoming an argument. If not, slam on the brakes until you can!
    Cheers to not knowing what's next!

  3. #3

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Hello my fellow Oregonian! I noticed this too with my wife. I think the newness and the hot atmosphere this provides just brings something out in her that our every day loving didn't provide. This is pretty normal I think. Luckily, this newfound passion is spilling over into our normal sex life and we are hotter than ever for each other. Our communication level is the best it has been in the 21 years of being married!

  4. #4

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    No matter how hard we tried, the late Mrs. Alura and I did not seem to be able to "fuck for fun." We always ended up making love, something we couldn't do with other people. One of the attractions of swinging was the ability to go wild with our playmates. Perhaps that's the situation you are seeing. If so, there is no threat to your marriage, no reason for jealously, and nothing to worry about. Keep in mind that the one and most important thing you can do with your wife is something Mr. Playmate will never be able to do.

    Also, "forbidden fruit" tends to make sex hotter; don't concern your self. Enjoy.

    Alura
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."
    óWill Rogers

  5. #5

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    I asked my husband about this once along the lines of "You are so much more vocal with so and so, what is she doing right to get that response?" His paraphrased reply was that I knew exactly what he liked and needed no audible encouragement that I was hitting the spot or doing it the way he wanted.

    Maybe this has something to do with it?
    There's time for sleep when you're dead.

  6. #6

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Quote Originally Posted by Ibrew View Post
    I asked her if she would be willing to be like that with me sometimes and she said it was part of playing and not real. Still I feel a little jealousy when I see her with others in those ways. She also responded that it was degrading for me to ask for those aspects of swinging with others. ?
    Can you be more specific?
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  7. #7

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Yes. What "things" does she do with playmates that she doesn't do with you?

    Alura
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."
    óWill Rogers

  8. #8

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Quote Originally Posted by lovinher View Post
    Can you be more specific?
    Looking at the replies has been a great help in allowing me to step back and think about what is happening. This is dumb now that I think more, flirting and dressing up. I am really more bothered at the negativity regarding this rather than what she is doing or not doing.

  9. #9

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    I'd like to respond to this. Someone I love, who has since passed away, once told me "People respond differently with different people." I have found that I respond differently with different play partners. There are different signals, different chemistries, different settings. Simply put, it's a different world. This used to bug my husband immensely, and he started trying to elicit the same behaviors from me that he saw exhibited with others. This, in turn, bugged me immensely, and shut down my desire to swing, because swinging became a reason to have to sexually "perform" to reassure my husband. I keyed into your wife's use of the word "degrading." The process makes you feel uber-examined and found wanting. It devalues what already exists.

    I'm really glad you're stepping back and looking at your own thought process.

  10. #10

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Quote Originally Posted by Ibrew View Post
    Looking at the replies has been a great help in allowing me to step back and think about what is happening. This is dumb now that I think more, flirting and dressing up. I am really more bothered at the negativity regarding this rather than what she is doing or not doing.
    I don't think asking your wife to flirt and dress up for you is stupid. Okay, flirting (depending on what you think is flirting) may not happen the way it happens with other people, because like others have said - it's a different person, she doesn't LOVE them, etc. But getting dressed up just for a night out or in with you should be fun and exciting for her too! I LOVE getting dressed up for Keith. It helps that he also tries to do special things for me. There's really no outfit or anything like that, but he will compliment me as much as he would any other women, he quite obviously appreciates it, and he spoils me rotten afterwards for treating him to something special.

    I think mixing up what you two do together helps ward of any possibility of jealousy. I personally won't do anything with another man that I wouldn't do for Keith.

  11. #11

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Quote Originally Posted by km34 View Post
    I don't think asking your wife to flirt and dress up for you is stupid. Okay, flirting (depending on what you think is flirting) may not happen the way it happens with other people, because like others have said - it's a different person, she doesn't LOVE them, etc. But getting dressed up just for a night out or in with you should be fun and exciting for her too! I LOVE getting dressed up for Keith. It helps that he also tries to do special things for me. There's really no outfit or anything like that, but he will compliment me as much as he would any other women, he quite obviously appreciates it, and he spoils me rotten afterwards for treating him to something special.
    This, this, this.
    We try to remember to try just as hard towards each other as we do for our play partners. Those little things make a difference in our relationship. Those little things add up.

    On a different level though, there are some ways that we have acted differently with other partners, and we're cool with it. One example is Mrs two4you's desire for aggressive sex. She likes being restrained, light bdsm, etc, when she's with a knowledgeable partner that we feel comfortable with. The male half of one couple we played with regularly really knew how to push her buttons and give her what she wanted, and they had some interesting escapades.

    -This isn't my thing. I just can't be "that guy". But I think it's great that she can fulfill her kink and act that way when the opportunity presents itself.


    Don't discount the way you feel about it though. I can understand being concerned about the negativity you received when you brought up the subject.

    Best of luck to you both.
    That awkward moment when you realize she actually wanted a Mary Kay facial.....

  12. #12

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    My question is if she finds it degrading for you to ask her to do these things, then why doesn't she feel it's degrading to do them for others? I don't think it's too much to ask her to dress sexy for you. I know I get caught in that trap myself and find that I will make more of an effort to put on make-up and dress sexy if we are going out with other people (whether it's going to a party or not) than if I'm just going out with hubby. It's not fair to him.

    As far as the flirting, that's a different thing. There are times I can flirt with him the same way I do with other guys but a lot of it is just in the level of how well you know someone (or don't know them).
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  13. #13

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Hey Ibrew, great responses above. Just a couple thoughts. When I was new, I was hypersensitive to things. New noises, new positions, etc. I won't dive too deep into that as I think others have done an awesome job but those feelings should pass and those things will become more of a turn on. New and different are a powerful combination. Hope that comforts you some.

    As far as her feeling you asking her to do some of those things is degrading. Mrs Diggs thinks that maybe the way she is around others is an act or something she does to get herself in the zone. She loves you and doesn't want to put on 'that act' for you. The goal is to let her know you liked some of those things but disassociate it from the swinging context.

  14. #14

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    My wife is often driven by her new partners to be a total slut. She dresses different for them, fucks in public areas of the swing clubs, takes on multiple men, etc. However she is my wife, she feels and acts different when she is with me. After 33 years together we have patterns that are difficult to overcome. When we make love after the 6 years swinging I can sometimes get her to act sluttier with me, but the difficulty for her is she is making love with me, with other guys she is simply fucking or being used as a slut. At first I was jealous, now I enjoy watching her and realize the difference. I would probably get jealous now if I saw her "making love" with a new friend instead of fucking him like a slut, that is what we do, not what she does with others.

  15. #15

    Default Re: She acts differently with other partners

    Quote Originally Posted by lovinher View Post
    Can you be more specific?
    I am also still interested in hearing more specifics about what you're talking about.

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