How can I open her to the idea of swinging?

[Shinjovial]

We've been together for 8 years and I'd really like to add a little spice to our sex life. The idea of swinging or checking out swing clubs is a major turn-on for me. Unlike most guys, my reasons aren't so I can screw another lady. While that would be pleasurable, the idea of watching her with someone else sets my loins on fire.
I've tried to get her to talk about it, checking out a club, placing an online ad, etc. I've made it clear that there is no commitment to any particular action or contact with anyone else. If that happens-great. If it doesn't, then at least we've opened our eyes to the possibility somewhere down the road. If nothing else, the excitment would ignite the flames between us.
I truly love and respect her-i tell her often.
However, she does not want to discuss or even play with the idea of swinging. When I express that the desire to swing is part of who I am, she states that she doesn't like that part of me and the discussion ends.
Any advice? Assuming that I don't drop the topic and deny my desires, how can I open her to the idea of swinging?

[Alura]

First, let her read your post. Add that this is very important to you or, at least, the ability to communicate with her without fear of her getting angry is. As long as she refuses to communicate about this or any other subject, you don't have much hope of ever developing your communication to the point where y'all can successfully swing or even, in my opinion, have a worthwhile marriage.

Mr. Alura

[NorCal Nites]

Originally posted by Alura
First, let her read your post.

I completely agree here. Obviously, the subject is something she may be uncomfortable with, but you are very passionate about, otherwise, you would not be asking for assistance.

Most people I know are into swinging, or at least sharing once... however, the few that I know that are strictly opposed to it always ask questions about it and realize that the ONLY reason that we CAN swing is because we love one another so much.

We're constantly told that we could be brother and sister because we look and act so much alike (I just don't see it)... but that's one of the perks of loving to that degree. Possibly, once she realizes that it's not about having sex with someone other than her, she'll open up a little bit about it to you and tell you her thoughts on it, rather than shutting the door immediately.

[Shinjovial]

I feel like I've tried every conceivable way to start the dialogue about swinging. It's gotten to the point that anytime I start to broach the subject or bring up a topic related to it or make a casual joke, etc, she puts up this protective field and turns her mind off to the idea.
I'm just having trouble coming to terms with this. I don't understand how anyone couldn't at least talk about it in an open manner. What's so bad about swinging? even if it's light swinging?
she's gotten to the point where she's said I should just experience it without her and forget the idea that she'll ever be convinced to swing. I would really rather swing with her present and not with strangers. Being a single male, especially when it's discoverd that you have a partner, is almost impossible to find a willing couple.

[Alura]

Well, Shinjovial, I think your problem is communication, not swinging. Are there any other subjects that you and your wife don't seem to be able to talk about without arguing?

When Mrs. Alura and I first met we discussed the importance of being able to talk about any subject (in depth!) without fear of the other getting angry and holding our opinions against us. We promised each other that we would always listen with an open mind, express our opinions, but never, ever, get angry because a question was asked. I think that's the main reason that in (almost) twenty-four years together, we've never had a shouting argument and never gone to bed angry with each other.

I guess we can safely say we're in love, but I question whether that feeling would ever have come to be without our agreement to always communicate.

Mr. Alura

[VegasLee]

Something I personally see missing here is:

Swinging is NOT for everyone. No matter how good the relationship may be.

There is nothing wrong with being "normal" in this world either. I know many very "normal" people that are not part of the lifestyle that we so much enjoy and they lead very happy lives.


Being able to communicate without anger is the number one step in any relationship and even more important if you are going to share yourself with other people.

You have been together 8 years, you two must love each other and have some joint interests if you are happy enough to be together that long. Sometimes changing is not in the cards and you seem to already understand that.

Just my 2 cents.

[ricndi032903]

Hello, first and foremost, I know I'm going to get slammed real good for even posting this, but oh well, here it goes.

Do you love her??? Want only her??? Is she YOUR #1 priorty?

Your wife may not want to openly talk, or consider swinging, is because she doesn't want to fuck anybody else and quite possibly wants you to be 'happy' with good old her.

Nothing personal, but I really can't stand it when the 'men' keep asking the same old question 'how do I get my wife to swing' geesh guys, if she says no, then DROP it, cause even though you may like playing with fire, do you really want to get burnt????

And if you keep pushing, you may be pushing her RIGHT OUT OF YOUR LIFE. So why don't you just be a real man and be satisfied with what you have and be happy.

[hotcpl4unfla]

LOL I completely agree with the last poster. Don't let it consume your life or make it your quest. Make do with what you have and enjoy it. Now, if this is any help, let me give you a few suggestions:
My wife, who probably would have been the last person to ever want to try this, (at least that's how I felt when I met her) has warmed up quite well to soft swinging. I honestly have no desire to watch her with another man. I love watching her with other women, and she loves being with them as well. I introduced her to the scene by watching porno movies with her. It took many trips to the video store to find out what really turned her on. I noticed she loved (read:got really wet) watching the all girl/ solo girl videos. So the topic eventually came up about her being with another woman. She at first totally dismissed the idea. After a year or so, she suggested she'd like to maybe try it. After ANOTHER year, she started pointing out the women in clubs she would like to possibly be with. Then 6 months later, we had our first experience with another couple and she fufilled the fantasy. We have been with this other couple regularly for a year now, and it's been a blast. So, the bottom line is, live your life, see if she gets into any specific videos (try group sex, f/f, all of them) and then talk openly. It might happen, it might not. But either way, don't let it consume your every waking moment. Have great sex with each other first.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by ricndi032903
So why don't you just be a real man and be satisfied with what you have and be happy.

Because he is interested in swinging and she isn't, he isn't a "real man?" So what does that make all the other men that post on this board? Those that love their wives, yet enjoy sharing their sexuality with others and their wives? Something less than real men?

While I am in total agreement with VegasLee in his statement that swinging is NOT for everyone, I think that advising Shinjovial to simply dismiss his interest in the lifestyle does absolutely nothing to help him, or her for that matter, resolve the dilemma they have found themselves in. And frankly, I can't help but wonder if your statements are not on the self-serving side and not really intended to benefit the poster.

Shinjovial, I believe the other posters are correct also, in their assessments of possible communication issues. Afterall, your interest and desires should have equal weight in this relationship, at least to the point where your SO would be at least willing to discuss the subject. With that, I would advise that you simply slow down a bit and maybe invite her to this board with you...to see that there is much more to swinging and the relationships that are formed - here and in person - than merely sex. Maybe you need to refine your approach to this woman.

If you haven't already done so, look through the forum on New Swingers and you may find lots of information that will help you initiate communication on the subject. If nothing else, being able to share the fantasy would spice up your sex lives.

- EBF

[yawanna]

With that, I would advise that you simply slow down a bit

Absolutely EBF. Here's how I was introduced to this by a LONG gone partner long ago:

Him: You can have sex with other men if you like.
Me: What??

One month later.....

Him: What if I met a woman and wanted to have sex with her?
Me: What?? (heart stops, self esteem shoots right to the floor)

I'd suggest, Shinjovial, that you proceed much more slowly and cautiously than &%$# did. If it's truly something you want to do with her, then let her discover for herself if it's something she's interested in. Knee jerk reaction, especially in a previously sexually monogamous relationship, is NO!! and a lot of hurt.

That's not a good start. And it may be the end. Back up, be sensitive, respect what you already have, and very very very gently and kindly and no pressure talk about sex...not 'your' fantasies.

[Botcpl]

I don't think I have heard of anyone who brought up swinging to their wife the first time and she said, "Let's go for it!" That doesn't mean there aren't, but I don't think they are the majority. Usually I hear things like she said, "How can you even think about someone else?"

If you want to build a bonfire, you don't stack a bunch of logs in a field and throw matches at it, it won't light, unless you're using gasoline and that's dangerous. You start with a handful of dry leaves. (Honey, have you ever thought of...?) Then you put on a layer of small dried twigs. (Sometimes I think what it would be like to....) Then you get a pile of small branches. (Thinking of watching you..., makes me so hot!) Now you pile on the big logs and wait for her to set the match to it.

Don't be in such a hurry. Some people talk for years before anything happens and when it does, it happens in baby steps (usually).

You're thinking of the destination, you should be enjoying the journey.

P

[frenzb4sex]

We've been together for 8 years and I'd really like to add a little spice to our sex life. The idea of swinging or checking out swing clubs is a major turn-on for me

Many points have been made already about communication, and here's another one, with a different twist.

Why do you want to add a little spice? Is there something lacking? Does your wife even know this? She may think every thing is fine and dandy! Simply just discussing this aspect, you may not even "need" to get into swinging to spice it up--there may be some ideas that she has to spice it up as well that could be just as enticing...

Swingingis not for everyone. If it was, we'd be in FREAKING UTOPIA, BABY!!!!

Talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. Don't ever stop communicating, even if you think things are absolutely fine.

Unlike most guys, my reasons aren't so I can screw another lady..

Where did you get this from? You are not in the lifestyle and you assume this is the reason that "most guys" are in the lifestyle? I don't think this is exactly true--for us, it's a combination of the spice that drives our sex life through the roof, meeting new people that share like interests, and the sexual portion of it is just icing on the cake! Don't get me wrong--having sex with another woman is WONDERFUL!! But it's not the "reason" I am in it---I truly believe that being in the lifestyle was driven by both of us to make a strong marriage that much stronger.......and has improved our commitment and voraciousness for each other....

Sorry, I am sure this was said tongue in cheek, but this stood out in this post...so I thought I'd just throw my ten cents in, keep the change...

Tim

[NorCal Nites]

After reading everyone's responses, as well as reading your "sensitive" reply, and being a little bitter about some men wanting to "cheat" instead of "swing" this morning... here's my two cents. (and you may just have to ignore me, as I'm feeling quite sarcastic this morning!)



What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander.

Him: "Hey baby... wouldn't it turn you on to see some guy buried to his balls in my ass?"

Her: "Of course, baby... I'd LOVE to start swinging. You know, it's been in the back of my mind all this time and I've been such a prude that I just had to tell you no before. Now that's all changed and I just wanna get off with any human possible, just like you!"

Hrumph!

[Elusive BiFem]

Shinjovial, take a look at THIS thread. Sometimes things work out when you least expect them to. - EBF

[ricndi032903]

Well it seems that "Elusive BiFem" doesn't like what I had to say, OH WELL, she has nothing to loose, no SO to leave or have leave HER. But then again, maybe she'll "fall in love with someones SO" like Sadie did. Or maybe a few more marriages will end due to someones over eagerness at trying to "get the wife/husband" into this, when the word NO is not taken seriously.

And it's true, if each person in the commited relationship are truely happy and content in that relationship and NOTHING is lacking, then there is NO reason to go outside of the relationship on the PYHSICAL level, for sexual satisfaction.

The wife or husband has EVERY right to refuse to consider this lifestyle if they feel it's intruding on his or her right to a loving, yet faithful relationship.

While communicating is great, but if there is any objection to a certain topic, then that topic should be off limits in the act of persuing.

You may have have a passion for swinging, but the real passion should be about your wife or husband. Not your fantacies.

And even though I know I'll be slammed again for daring to say this, but somebody does, "almost" every woman in this lifestyle began by wanting to do this for their men, to make them happy, rather that then have them cheat.... they surely didn't get into this by their own choices.

It's goes this way, realistly, how many choices do we have, cheat? swing? cheat? swing? Cheat. face the unknown, swing, know what you really don't wanna know. But make the best of it.

Or just be a happy couple who is satisfied and content with the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Ya know people, that's not such a bad thing......