We want to start, but she says no women for me - bad idea?

[redandbrown]

hi all -
we are a young (27 F 32 M) engaged couple, and have been exploring fantasies in bed - talking and fantasizing together about things and getting really turned on - mostly MFM and gangbang things, some couples fantasies... lots of hot talk that takes our already amazing sex life to a hot hot hot level...

we are now talking about trying something in real life, and i think she's not really open to doing anything where i'd be with anyone else - she just wants to be with other men. while it turns me on a lot to imagine a MFM or more, i am a little concerned about the fairness (or lack thereof) in what she's proposing. even though it would be crazy hot to fuck her with another guy, i wonder if over time it might bother me that it was not equal?

she says that i've been with enough women already, and that she's only been with 2 men, so i don't need to be with anymore women, but that seems like a bad excuse to me. even though i am not really too interested in being with other women, i DO think it'd be hot to be in an fmfm or fmf, for sure.

so - if i have to choose between sharing her only w/other men and not doing any swinging, i think i'd choose the first, cause it'd be crazy hot to me, but wonder if it just might create problems?

advice? experience? should we just keep it in fantasy-land or go ahead and try MFM and see where it leads us - possibly to couple play etc?

[partyof2ormore]

I admire your wife's ability to be honest with you. That is a great place to start. If you had no issues with her "rules", I'd say go for it.

The problem is that you DON'T seem to be cool with it...and that is OK too. Express your feelings to her...she was honest with you afterall! Maybe over time you can decide to take the leap once you have had a chance to get on the same page...if that day ever comes.

For now, I'd keep it in the fantasy world if I were you. If the two of you don't enter this with the same expectations, it can only end badly.

[redgirlwithfrec]

Things definately need to be on an even playing ground. Like you said you find it incredibly hot to be with her and another man just as we do but as the man in this relationship I would find it incredibly unfair if I could not have some fun as well. There are couples out there that all they are looking for is a MFM and that is great for them but if you think that you may want something more someday I would say keep it in the fantasy realm until you are both onboard with all of your desires as you do not want to start to resent her later in life.

[SnowwwWhite]

It's awesome that you're both being so honest with each other and can communicate these things. Way to go!

After reading your post, a few things came to mind:

1) Does your fianceé resent the fact that you've had more partners? She may in some subconscious way be wanting to even the score. If this is the case, you may want to consider therapy as a way to work through that, because resentment can turn into something very ugly over time. Honestly, you guys sound like you have a great relationship but it wouldn't hurt to clear up things like this in some pre-marital counseling. Although you'd want to find someone who can specifically deal with your advanced sexuality.

2) Making sure everything is fair in the relationship is obviously a good thing, but you both also have natural comfort levels that will be different from each other. If the issue for her isn't a resentment of your sexual experience, it may just be that she isn't 100% secure within the relationship yet and needs time to settle into the impending marriage before she'll feel comfortable sharing you with other women. It sounds like she loves you and is confident in her own ability to be with other men and still want only you at the end of the night, but maybe she isn't so sure you're going to be able to do the same.

In this case, maybe suggest to her that you both start soft swinging with couples (not single men) until she reaches that comfort and security level. You could tell her that you love the idea of a MFM but that you don't want that to turn into resentment, and that she needs to put herself in your shoes and imagine how she'd feel if you expected HER to sit on the sidelines. (And her "sexual experience" argument doesn't hold water unless she's trying to punish you for it!) If you really want to swing, just ease into it so she has time to develop a comfort level with seeing you touching another woman. But make sure you set your boundaries clearly and up front so there are no surprises! The best thing for you two is probably to make everything equal, that way she understands that she doesn't get "extra privileges" and is not allowed to do anything that she doesn't want to see you also doing.

To address the inequality issue, set aside your immediate sexual fantasies and the desire for a MFM... and both of you sit down and decide together what you want swinging to accomplish for the relationship. Don't discuss the sights and sounds of swinging and what specifically excites you or what fantasies you want to live out, just discuss swinging in relation to your long-term relationship goals and what you want it to achieve. Set your boundaries from THAT point. By looking at it that way, you can immediately eliminate situations where only one of you is getting satisfaction, or where one of you is not getting full benefit of the lifestyle. If your fianceé is reasonable she should be able to see that the purpose of swinging as a couple is not just to live out a fantasy at the risk of the relationship, but to explore your sexuality together as a way to develop and expand your personal connection to each other.

If you want your marriage to work, that should always be your "prime directive" no matter what the situation is... from spending money to having children to buying a home. It always goes back to doing what's right for your relationship, not what's right for the individual.

[redandbrown]

awesome responses, guys...

yes - SnowwwWhite - an issue for her is and has always been a bit of resentment for me having more experience than her. she was with one person for seven years, and then about a year after they broke up, we fell in love and have since gotten engaged. there's a big part of her that wishes that she had time to sow her wild oats before settling down - if there was a way for her to have a few hot years of exploration before we fell in love would have been ideal for her, but that's just not what happened! so that's where a lot of this comes from - both the drive for her to be with me and other guys, and her feeling like i "don't need to be with any more women" (not that i've been with tons at all).

we have discussed a few ways for her to feel better about this, including separating for a year or two so she can play around, but we really don't want to lose our love, so those sorts of ideas haven't really been taken seriously. we are so in love, so compatible, meant to be married! so somewhere along the line we started talking dirty about incorporating other men, and then she's also talked about other women, and it's been so hot talking about it that we have started thinking about making the fantasies reality.

so what started as her jealousy that i'd had more sexual experience than her has turned into a total turn-on of a fantasy, and now a potential sexy reality... which is totally great! i just want to make sure it doesn't get off on the wrong foot, with rules that might create problems down the line. if we actally do it, i think she will probably LOVE MFM+ - she is a very very sexual woman and can take it

so yeah - we'll talk about it and i'll let you know how it goes! i know she's really hoping to get started, i just hope we can get good empathetic understanding about it. we're great communicators, so hopefully we will! if not, i think it'll probably need to just stay as (super hot) fantasies.

[it'sso]

You familiar with the term "controlling"? Should you agree to this proposal, either now or after marriage, you will be settling for your way of life for the rest of your time together.
If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.
Her choices she made in regards to sex partners before you two became a couple, in no way should be your responsibility.
moo

[SnowwwWhite]

It's great to hear that you love each other and recognize the awesome thing you have. You're so lucky!

Do yourselves a huge favor and don't let it slip away. I would strongly advise against a separation for her to sow her wild oats. By separating you'd be compromising a sense of being a "team" you may never be able to get back. While apart, that connection could be broken and may never be the same. Also, you'd be wasting a great opportunity to work through something that will help your relationship grow stronger.

Love and compatibility is hard to find! Do whatever you can to keep your relationship intact and strong!

[knb2004]

Honestly, given your fiance's attitude, right now I think you're playing with fire.

If her attitude is that it's okay for her to play around in order to "even the score" but it's not okay for you I believe any kind of outside playing could lead you to disaster. Another poster opinied that if you were OK with those restrictions it might be okay, but in this case I disagree. Attitude is important, and her motivation for saying yes to extracurricular activity is not a good one.

It's good that you seem to have very open lines of communication, and I'd encourage you to continue that, but until she's at a more healthy place regarding sexuality I'd encourage you to hold off.

[VegasLee]

Few things I see in your post that I have seen over the years.

First off you are older then she is, you have more experience with different people then she does.

Not all but most women her age are still not ready to "share their man." They are not secure enough to watch you partying with another women.

Is this going to bother you? YES, it already is or you would not be asking the question here.

Keeping score in this lifestyle does not work and it appears that may also be what is going on here. Women will ALWAYS get more offers then men will and the score will always be uneven over the long term.

Personally, I would back off of the swinging idea for a few years until you two have been in a relationship longer and have a better feel for each other.

Nothing wrong with her current attitude, it is what it is right now. Give it time and age might change things after she sees she is more comfortable with you.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Few things I see in your post that I have seen over the years.

First off you are older then she is, you have more experience with different people then she does.

Not all but most women her age are still not ready to "share their man." They are not secure enough to watch you partying with another women.

Is this going to bother you? YES, it already is or you would not be asking the question here.

Keeping score in this lifestyle does not work and it appears that may also be what is going on here. Women will ALWAYS get more offers then men will and the score will always be uneven over the long term.

Personally, I would back off of the swinging idea for a few years until you two have been in a relationship longer and have a better feel for each other.

Nothing wrong with her current attitude, it is what it is right now. Give it time and age might change things after she sees she is more comfortable with you.

I have to agree with pretty much all of this, except maybe

Keeping score in this lifestyle does not work and it appears that may also be what is going on here. Women will ALWAYS get more offers then men will and the score will always be uneven over the long term.

That really depends on how you swing, but the concept is still valid, women will get more offers.

I'd wait a bit, be married a while, and then see how the idea strikes both of you then.

[redandbrown]

sounds like good advice guys - and i think that's what we should do, probably.

however, what if she thinks about it and decides that what she wants IS to try equal freedom in swinging? i don't think it's wrong or strange of her to want to be with other guys, and i'd love to indulge her - it'd turn her on to no end to get pleasured by 2 or 3 guys, and i'd LOVE that! believe me - i'm not feeling like i NEED any other woman but her, i just don't want to start something unhealthy like a double standard. so - if she decides that she's into trying stuff with couples as well as single men, do you think it'd still be dangerous to our relationship?

probably we should still wait, i'm guessing... but i hope not forever!
i can see how it's a problematic attitude, in a way - she wants more experiences with men, period. that's different than wanting to share open sexy experiences with your mate, with equal freedom for both partners. maybe over time her attitude will change and it'll be more realistically healthy for us to play like this.

btw - snow, we haven't SERIOUSLY considered splitting up so she can explore, because neither of us want to take the chance of losing our awesome love... it's just been an issue (her desire for more experiences) that we have tried to look at every way of dealing with.

thanks guys!

[knb2004]

Red-
I'd love to hear from her, any chance she'll come on and post her thoughts?

[redandbrown]

she may - she's out of town till monday, but she may be interested in posting here. i think she might be shy about discussing our sex life online w/strangers, but i'll find out... we are planning on talking more about this when she comes back.

[JustAskJulie]

If it was simply that you just really want to see her with other guys and she wanted to be with other guys, I'd say go for it. But from what you've posted there is definate potential for issues ... the issue being that down the road you WILL want more, you WILL feel left out and like she is now having all the fun.

It's one thing when the experiences are in your past (which I hope is how she looks at YOUR experience) it's another thing when one of you is currently getting to have something the other one is not. It is a HUGE double standard and one that will cause problems eventually. And you can't go into it with the idea that "maybe" down the road she will change her mind and be open to you being with others either. If you choose to explore this route you have to do it KNOWING that this is all that it will ever be (her with other guys while you watch).