Is patience my answer?

[DaBo]

For several years, I've hinted to my wife about adding someone to our fun. We've talked both during sex, and at 'normal' times of the day. In both instances, she's agreed that some things I've mentioned sound 'interesting' to her, but that she'd never do any of them.

Am I in a position of sitting and waiting for her to become comfortable with the idea? Or should I continue to mention my ideas on occasion, just to let her know I'm still interested?

Just a little background on her. When we started dating.....many years ago, lol.... she was a sheltered girl and knew almost nothing about enjoying herself sexually, I changed that quickly, and since then, some things she thought to be disgusting or 'undoable' (is that a word), have become common.
Examples:
I wanted to buy a dildo for me to use with her. It took nearly 3 months, but after mentioning it only a few times, she came to me and asked if we could get one. We know own a nice collection of toys.

The thought of her pleasuring herself was one of those disgusting thoughts. Now, with me on the road, she does everychance she gets, with the toys mentioned above.

Something as simple as oral sex was unspeakable when we met. Now she loves to suck cock. (not a strong example, I know)

[gandm]

As a general answer, I would say yes, patience is the answer.

But, you know your wife better than we do. If she is the type of person to first say no when a new idea is presented, then think about it, and possibly change her mind, then yes, just be patient. But if she is the type of person that might not be comfortable sharing that she changed her mind or may be interested in something a little outside of your normal activities, than you have to present the situation that will make her comfortable bringing it up.

In my case, I had to be patient. But I did, periodically, bring the subject back up in a soft, non confrontational manner. Eventually, she said I'm interested to try. I was always worried that she was trying for me, instead of her genuine interest and I communicated that to her. Anytime she suggested new activities, I always communicated that I want her to do what she wants, not to do something just to make me happy (at the cost of her happiness or self-respect).

Now, about 4 years later, she is pretty gung ho. She will now suggest new ideas and go right up to a couple or single that she's interested in and make first contact.

Good luck to you.

[Alura]

Welcome from Oklahoma, DaBo! We're glad you have joined us and hope you'll drop by the Introductions Forum and tell us about yourselves.

Women often move slower into the lifestyle than men so, Yes, patience is the answer. Still, as long as you keep it non-threatening, a little reminder of your interests from time to time can't hurt. About a century ago, a lady said to me, "A woman will do anything sexual a man might suggest so long as he doesn't belittle her in the process." Now, I'm not so sure this is entirely true, but I do think it's an idea to keep in your mind while introducing the lifestyle to a spouse.

One of the most successful steps for your challenge is to introduce your wife to this board. The folks here are very supportive. While they'll speak in positive terms about the lifestyle, they will not exert pressure.

You might start by telling her you've found the board, that it is not about meeting people for sex, and that interesting topics are discussed. Then, occasionally mention an interesting thread and ask what her opinion is on the subject. Listen to her answer but don't try to change her mind.

Soon you may be reading the board together and going to Meet Ups. Once she meets the people who post here, she'll be impressed. Everyone is.

Baby steps are key to entering the lifestyle.

Alura

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Alura

...
One of the most successful steps for your challenge is to introduce your wife to this board. The folks here are very supportive. ....

That's exactly what I was going to suggest.

-B

[sereneiders]

Bringing your wife here is a great idea. Better say, to make this a shared plan, to check the waters as to see if swinging is for you two, instead of devising plans behind her back to "lower her defenses".

I know, the last sentence sounded pretty rough, moreover because I don't know you and I am assuming things about you, your attitudes and your intentions. But, put yourself in her shoes for a moment, finding out you're looking for help in the forum on how to spicy up your sex life and have some fun.

I don't have a recipe for you, and I believe there isn't a recipe. Swinging is (or should be) the outcome from a shared, thoroughful decision, involving both of you all the way in the process.

She should be as open to seriously think of this, as you should be open to accept sometimes fantasies aren't meant to become reality and they worth on their ow for what they are, and that you two may not swing, ever.

This is a coin with two sides: for her to be able to take some stepts in your desired direction, she have to trust you, to know for sure you're able to step on the break and get back to where you was before starting, without regrets, remorses, nor pending bills.

I am telling this because there's a third option you didn't mention at all... "should I quit and give up?", and this is an attitude your wife is able to read (that everyone is able to read due to self preservation instincts). And it is very likely that she won't move anywhere while reading it.

Besides what sounds "interesting" as an hypotesys, in fantasyland... do you know what SHE wants? does she knows what YOU want? (and I mean the ultimate goal you have of swinging). You need to communicate, to start talking to her, honestly, about your desires, your feelings, your relationship, your fears, as to enable her to do the same.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Bringing your wife here is a great idea.
...make this a shared plan, to check the waters as to see if swinging is for you two, instead of devising plans behind her back to "lower her defenses".

Dito

[want2knowmore]

Being in similar shoes, I will state that it is most important to take your time. Everyone moves at diffrent rates and this board has several threads were one member of a couple was moving alot faster than the other.

I have been a member on this board for awhile, and although we are not in the lifestyle I have learned quite a bit from this group. My wife is similar in her thinking as yours appears to be (although this last few days have been interesting). There is no rush and you really don't want her to feel disrespected or taken advantage of or damage your relationship.

Read and learn and don't be afraid to ask questions. This is a great source...

[DaBo]

Thanks for all the great replys. A little more about my thinking, my motivation is my belief that my wife would truely enjoy an addition to our sex life. She has no bi interests (atleast none that she's admitted to me), so I've but my fantasy on hold for the moment and I've brought up the idea of two men pleasuring her.

This is where she's said it sounds 'interesting', but she wouldn't do it. My gut feeling tells me she'd really like to try it, but really isn't sure I'm serious about it.

I've waited for 5 years, and it hasn't hurt me, I can wait 10 more if needed.

[want2knowmore]

^good answer^
and good luck.
I am hoping that my wife may bring it up. With kids we rarely get the time to talk about it. However I have found that if I can bring in a new idea late, like hours before the kids are due back, it gives her time to develop her answers instead of a knee jerk reaction which is usually negative for when we talk again. It is a bit of a bomb shell some times but it has seems to work. Really big bomb shells I try to get them out early and work them out.

[DaBo]

Well, I've talked to her about coming here to read with me....and I'm still alive..lol. She really doesn't like compuers, but she has agreed to sit and read with me, when she 'feels like it.'

Not sure what that means, but it seems to be a step in the right direction.

[Alura]

Sounds like a step in the right direction,Dabo! Use the site to help deleloped y'all's ability to communicate and always remember the purpose is to learn, not to convince. If there's any convincing to be done, it will be by the wise minds who share their thoughts here.

Alura

[lovinher]

She's changing her mind and doesn't want to swing

Two threads with the exact same answers.

[Alura]

It was the exact same question. Sometimes I just have no creativity.

Alura

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by DaBo

Well, I've talked to her about coming here to read with me....and I'm still alive..lol. She really doesn't like compuers, but she has agreed to sit and read with me, when she 'feels like it.'

Not sure what that means, but it seems to be a step in the right direction.

Well, that's reminds me when at our beginings I dare to mention a dildo and my wife got so upset (almost as much as when I mentioned swinging before that). Many years later I dare to buy one as a gift for her and when I give it to her I had the same tought: "I'am still alive".

Anyway, that was our attitude. I showed the toy to her, and leave it inside a dwarve, and she told me she may take a look at it when she "feels like it". I didn't mention the toy nor aksed to use it on her myself, but about a moth later she came back to tell me: "well... I finally dare to take a look at it, and to... play with it... and it was... interesting... bah, it was fun!... so, let me get used to it and the whole idea, and when I feel like it I'll let you know, for you to use the toy with me". Later on that happened. And later on she bring up the swinging subject, and today we're here.

You don't need to be sure of what it means. It certainly is a step in the right direction.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

I showed the toy to her, and leave it inside a dwarve, and she told me she may take a look at it when she "feels like it". I didn't mention the toy nor aksed to use it on her myself, but about a moth later she came back to tell me: "well... I finally dare to take a look at it, and to... play with it... and it was... interesting... bah, it was fun!... so, let me get used to it and the whole idea, and when I feel like it I'll let you know, for you to use the toy with me". Later on that happened. And later on she bring up the swinging subject, and today we're here.

Here is proof that women do not want to be pushed at all. Women don't want to be nagged or "convinced" or badgered into something, any more than men do. Will somebody nail this up on the wall in here, so we won't have to keep repeating this same message over and over?