Wife says no

[hubbyHere]

We are a couple married about 15 years. We have visited a few swingers clubs and each time my wife has wanted to leave after a short time. She feels uncomfortable. As soon as we leave she is all over me or herself, sometimes stipping nude in the car on the way home.

When I ask her to go back, she is relucant. She will go to dances with me at nude resorts (we have a few local nude resorts) but swing clubs are now a "NO WAY" response.

I know I should just drop it but I am obsessed with the idea that we can have some fun if we went in that we might meet some new friends who are a little more open than our existing set of friends. For example, My wife is bi-curious for sure and I would like her to enjoy herself and I suspect there are other couples in the same boat. We are occasional nudists but we never get to go with friends, it's just us (which is fine too).

Suggestions on how I can just drop it are most welcome.

[iapr]

In order to swing it takes both parties and without a consenting female you are dead in the water. Since she does seem to enjoy going out and being in an exciting environment just go with that. Take her out to some regular dance clubs and flirt with her and dance and treat her like she is the only woman on the planet that matters and then reap the rewards of that.

If she isn't interested in swinging and doesn't want to go to swing clubs any more then there really isn't anything you can do short of committing adultry behind her back. You have made your position known and now she has made hers known.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by hubbyHere

We have visited a few swingers clubs and each time my wife has wanted to leave after a short time. She feels uncomfortable. As soon as we leave she is all over me or herself, sometimes stripping nude in the car on the way home.

The environment apparently turns her on a great deal, or she wouldn't be so incredibly horny after the short visit. It also appears that like most women, she's not interested in actually swinging/swapping with other people. Many women enjoy certain fantasies without wanting to actually do the thing they fantasize about.

Have you ever offered her the option of going there and the two of you having absolutely no contact with others, going only for yourselves? Maybe she has always wanted to leave early because she feels pressured to go "the next step", which is where she does not want to go. What if you propose doing it only for the two of you, only for the atmosphere, voyeurism and exhibitionism (the two of you having sex together in the environment)? You would give her a 100% guarantee that is the only thing you're in there for. That might be the option that she would like. If you offer this option though, you have to be true to your word and don't mess it up by pushing for something else once you're in there, or you'll never get that chance again.

[hubbyHere]

Each time I have given her assurance, and reassurance, that we are not there to make contact...just watch.

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful.

While there she tells me despite my assurance, she feels "pressure". I ask her where it's from the pressure and she says the whole atmosphere...that people are there to have sex or find people to have sex with.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by hubbyHere

Each time I have given her assurance, and reassurance, that we are not there to make contact...just watch.

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful.

While there she tells me despite my assurance, she feels "pressure". I ask her where it's from the pressure and she says the whole atmosphere...that people are there to have sex or find people to have sex with.

In that case, you've already had the conversation I suggested, and got your answer. It seems that just the short amount of time there was all she needed to rev her engines, but still the feeling of pressure in there makes her not want to go back. She is definitely not a swinger and does not want to be - she's made that clear.

She goes to nude resort places with you and dances erotically in public with you....and she feels comfortable there, right? It sounds like you have a very sexual wife, she does do adventurous things and goes to adventurous (non-vanilla) places with you. I'd say that you're a lucky man! Just relax and enjoy the level of eroticism that she is comfortable with.

You said in your first post here, "I would like her to enjoy herself and I suspect there are other couples in the same boat." She is enjoying herself in the other places you described. Because she was uncomfortable in the swing club environment even after several visits, she was not enjoying that, and she's tested that arena enough to know. Swinging would not bring her enjoyment...that seems to be what she's been trying to tell you.

[Tom4Fun]

If she is reluctan, she is reluctant. If you enjoy your marriage and love your wife, then don't push the idea due to your own selfish needs.

[Edison Carter]

Ed here:

For her going to a Club is like what Erica Jong wrote about watching porn: "After five minutes of watching porn I want to fuck everything in sight. After ten minutes, I never want to fuck again."

She gets all charged up and it's all for you. That's not a bad thing. Embrace it.

"There's a million things in this world you can have Charlie and a million things you can't". --Captain Kirk

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by hubbyHere

Each time I have given her assurance, and reassurance, that we are not there to make contact...just watch.

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful.

While there she tells me despite my assurance, she feels "pressure". I ask her where it's from the pressure and she says the whole atmosphere...that people are there to have sex or find people to have sex with.

I wholly agree with Tybee Swing.

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful. but... helpful? Helpful for what? Helpful for who? Moreover when you already said:

Originally Posted by hubbyHere

I know I should just drop it but I am obsessed with the idea that we can have some fun if we went in that we might meet some new friends who are a little more open than our existing set of friends. For example, My wife is bi-curious for sure and I would like her to enjoy herself and I suspect there are other couples in the same boat.

The "100% guarantee" shouldn't be the bite, the argument to get your own way and bring her there again, to meet your "obsession". It only works if you're statisfied with the whole idea of turning both on to have sex exclusivelly with each other, instead of hoping for some miracle to happen, for new friends able to convince your wife to do the same you was unable to convince her to do so far.

There are no tricks here, no recipes, to talk your wife into doing something she dislike and doesn't want to. You may suppose those other guys at the swinger club already manage to talk their wifes (or husbands) into it even if they were unwilling to, that those other guys have the recipe, and to find some solidary guy with enough charity to apply the recipe to your wife.

It doesn't work this way. Swingers are there because they share the same expectations and tastes, because they're in the same boat. And to be honest, we've meet people like you (both males and females) wanting their spouses to "give up" and try it... and we often run away from them, because it is a drama prone setting.

What we do as swingers, we do it four ourselves, for each other inside this couple. I do it for my wife as much as I do it for myself, giving my wife all the credit for her beliefs, tastes and limits, and sticking to them as if it were the Holy Word.

Then, the question for you is: are you doing this for your wife or for yourself? Because if you're doing it for yourself, there's no way for you to hide your intentions from your wife. She already knows you, and she wont buy the product no matter how much you "100% guarantee" it.

[hubbyHere]

Thanks for all the great replies. I agree my wife is wonderful. As stated in my post, I am looking for advice on how I can just drop the idea altogether; that is how can i give up the idea altogether.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

I wholly agree with Tybee Swing.

The idea of offering "100% guarantee" might be helpful. but... helpful? Helpful for what? Helpful for who?

Hi Serenieders,

What I meant by that earlier in the thread: If the lady enjoyed the swing club setting (she was very horny after the short visits there), but only enjoyed it for the atmosphere and not participating with others, the husband could give her a 100% guarantee that they would only be there for the atmosphere and nothing else. He would agree to turn down any and all overtures from other people, and it would only be about the two of them. (He would HAVE to keep his word of course, or the deal would be off and she'd lose trust in him.)

As a woman - if I felt the same way as she does about not wanting to swing, but the club atmosphere turned me on, that kind of guarantee would work for me. NOT to make me swing of course, but just to make me feel comfortable about going to the club for the two of us. Hope that makes sense!

To answer your question, it would be helpful to me as the wife, to be comfortable and to be allowed to enjoy the sexually-charged atmosphere without any pressure about sex with others (knowing that my husband has my back 100% on that).

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Then, the question for you is: are you doing this for your wife or for yourself? Because if you're doing it for yourself, there's no way for you to hide your intentions from your wife. She already knows you, and she wont buy the product no matter how much you "100% guarantee" it.

If a woman has been subjected to a man trying to convince her or maneuver her toward things she's not interested in, she'll be on the defensive. If she believes there is a chance that once they're in there her husband will start tying to maneuver her (break his word about the guarantee), she won't even bite. Women do know their men!

[ShellyM]

OP, you cannot "convince" your wife to do something she is uncomfortable with. Now, I'm not saying you are. I understand your situation....and if you are like me you are curious as to WHY she doesn't want to go lol. To me saying no is usually not enough, I want you to tell me why its no so I feel that I have a better understanding. But thats just me and is probably a character flaw lol. It sounds like swingers clubs are out for you. Now, its funny though because she is OBVIOUSLY highly turned on....I mean, to get nude when you leave is something else. So I honestly do not understand why she does not want to go when she is so sexually charged from it. Hmmm, thats very unusual I think. Maybe a vanilla club will give her this feeling, but I doubt it. I have not been to a vanilla club that allows the sexual charge that swingers clubs allow and give. I don't know. I like the 100% guarantee idea. Now, I do know that some women are frightened (for lack of a better word, I haven't had my coffee yet this morning) of feelings that they are having. Perhaps she is nervous over her own bi-curious feelings because of how she was raised, moral views, etc. and cannot come to terms with her own feelings. I don't know, but I tell you its interesting. I would sit down with her and talk. Do NOT attempt to get her to say yes to the club, because like the other posters said that would put her immediately on the defensive. Rather talk to her about what she is feeling when you are there, why she wants to leave and then is so obviously sexually turned on.
Anyways, best of luck to you. Shelly

[des1re06]

Hubby responding here.

Do not force the issue, she has to make the decision (already stated here many times). Agreed, BUT, it took my wife 8 years to decide to do this. So, I can't recommend putting it completely out of your mind, because it had been in the back of my mind for all of those years. We just didn't act on it.

We started out going to strip clubs together (she was bi-curious) and I enjoyed the interaction between my wife and the lovely ladies. Very hot!

Next, we went to a topless, adult resort. Not swing resort, but there were swingers there who approached us, and started her thinking. I never pushed the issue, and she actually brought it up to me.

Next, we went to nudist resorts. This is where we really started to get to know more swingers. Again, we were approached, and invited to private parties.

We talked and talked for years before actually deciding to take the plunge.

Just know that it takes time to get comfortable with the idea for some. You'd never know it now, but she was very timid at first.

Enjoy the sense of freedom she's feeling by being at the nudist resorts, and put the swinging at the back of your mind for now. She may surprise you someday.

Mr. D

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by hubbyHere

Thanks for all the great replies. I agree my wife is wonderful. As stated in my post, I am looking for advice on how I can just drop the idea altogether; that is how can i give up the idea altogether.

Sorry that you really haven't received any suggestions yet to your actual query. Perhaps it is because that it isn't a matter of "how can I give up the idea" as opposed to "my wife isn't interested so it's over".

Your query suggests an internal struggle of sorts over the wishes of your wife. And it's hard for me personally to offer up a suggestion as to "how to drop it" since I (and others in swinging) would immediately drop whatever we are doing if our spouse or significant other stated it wasn't working for them. Mind you, I might want to talk about the whys, but I'm not going to push something onto my spouse that he doesn't want.

My only possible suggestion would be simply stop pushing the swing clubs (which it seems like you are trying to do) and channel that obsession/energy in planning outings to the nude clubs and vacations at nude resorts instead? Investigate more towards the nude-partying aspect instead of the swing club aspect, and see if there is a comfort level there, or a natural progression (or not) towards more risque (to her) activities.

Good luck, and I hope others offer an better opinion or two as to his query as to the "how to drop it".

Rebecca

[mbnudist]

Stay in the nudist lifestyle, go more often, make some friends at the nudist resorts and you will be surprised what time and familiarity will do. This is from a AANR nudist for 15+ years and occasional swinger.