Hubby's heart is breaking, what do I do now?

[ShellyM]

Wonderful news!!! You are doing things the right way by going with your husband's comfort levels. Just by you letting back will show your hubby that you are commited to him and his comfort levels. Take things slowly. Now I HEAR you on the having no one to talk to area. When we were younger in the ls we were the same way. You need to find mentors. These are experienced people that you are comfortable with who can help you with these issues. For us it was Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Menage. Poor Mr. M had to put up with my hysterical ass on a few occasions LOL. I think if there is a swingers club in your area it might be a good thing for you if nothing else to be in the atmosphere and see that swingers are everyday people. I can be at a boy scout meeting in the day with our son and at a swingers club that night. This way you can meet people who live in your area that you can talk with as well. You just go to dance and have fun.
But take things as they come, you are doing well. Glad to hear good news.
Shelly

[blondie77]

I agree with ShellyM...you are doing things the right way. By taking things slow and reassuring your husband you're giving him time to think things through and come to terms with this on his own.

I was the one who initially brought this up with my hubby. It started with some sexy talk in the bedroom, led to me talking about some past experienced I'd had before we were married and eventually got him to buy me as a suprise our first porn movie that included lesbian sex and some threesomes. My hubby was very conservative, and still is in some ways.....though he's come A LONG way! He was brought up to believe sex was bad and all sex had to be missionary style, etc. He went to a Baptist High school and that has never left him...though now he's learned sooooo much. Mainly that the things WE do as husband and wife is about love...whether it's just the two of us or a group of us...it's all about our love for one another and the wonderful gift of sex that God gave us and the gift of freedom we can give each other.

It took a long time to get to where we are. Honestly, even though I brought it up, I was suprised at the jealousy I felt at first. That has faded over time. Someone else brought up bringing another woman into the mix first....and that's not a bad idea. That's what we did. I am bisexual, so it wasn't an issue for me...and we've only had threesomes with women since we started until this last weekend where we had our first foursome. He's now becoming more open to my having sex with other men. He used to feel as yours does that it meant that it was something he was lacking in. After time, he's come to realize that it isn't that he's lacking but that it's a gift he can give to me. After all this time of having FMF he's starting to see that adding another man into the mix isn't only the fair thing to do, but also something he might enjoy.

I hope this isn't too long...but I really feel for your situation. It takes a long time sometimes to get to a place where you are both comfortable...but you'll get there with patience. Whether or not you and your husband ever swing, talking about it, talking about your relationship, communication...that's what's going to make your marriage strong. Take things slow...talk talk talk. And keep having as much sex as you can! Good luck!

[sereneiders]

It seems to me you're managing the issue pretty well.

I don't think the issue varies too much because of the gender. Both male and females can have ego issues, and both can read in between the lines to get what their low self steem wants them to hear: "if my partner is asking to swing, it's necesarily because I am not doing it well enough".

Dropping the subject is good, and as you said in your last post, it seems to work, however I'd pay attention to his low self steem regarding to sex. From the way you find out there was an issue, it seems he's the sort of person who use to swallow his toughts and rumble about them before saying a word, and wether you ever swing or not, I believe this is something worth to take care of.

Perhaps in some other circumstances, or if you let pass some water under the bridge before doing it, I'd say it'd be good for your husband to take a look at the board and even to participate, as to get to know from swingers what actually leads us to swing, moreover the fact that we don't do this because we don't get enough satisfaction from our spouses, to the point we'd advice against trying to swing to any couple following such a goal.

Of course, asking him to come to read the forum could be perceived as an attempt to talk him into swinging, and if this were the case, this wouldn't be a good idea. But I believe something like this could help to reasure himself about the motivations you had when bringing the subject.

[pervgeeks]

Originally Posted by RidesLikeNew

Thanks to all for your insights. I am still waiting to hear from ladies who were initiators...

I'm the initiator in our relationship. We have been talking seriously about this for the last 2- 2&1/2 months, but between my new job and him working almost every weekend and the kids, we haven't been able to get to any swing events.

In some ways, I'm lucky. My husband and I have been together just over two years and were both married before. I said right upfront that I'm bi- had experiences with women, and I don't want to give that up forever. He was completely turned on by the idea. My husband almost exclusively when looking at porn for instance, views lesbian oriented porn. It's kind of his thing before even meeting me. The hard part in the real world is that people are human and it's not just some "hypothetical woman" with no emotions of her own. In other words, the last thing I wanted to do was complicate a female friendship (already have been that that painful road) or hurt some poor lesbian woman or really even get into any heavy emotional relationships with women period, so after a lot of thought, swinging with other married (or in committed relationships) bi women with our male partners present. I love my husband and want to be with him for the rest of my life, but to never feel the touch and give to another woman is too much for me.

In my former marriage, he was very closed minded about sex (I met him very young- at 18) and he had trouble just opening up in the context of vanilla hetero-sex. I couldn't open up to him because whenever, I even began to open my doors just a crack, it was slammed shut. I remember watching a movie once with a married women who was bi. He was very much NOT turned on. His response was, "If she couldn't handle the commitment to one person, she shouldn't have gotten married." I said, "So if that were me, you couldn't handle it." He said, "If that were you, I'd divorce you in a second. I wouldn't put up with shit like that." Needless to say, after several years, his attitude regarding this and many, many other things on his part lead me to seek a divorce.

I don't have any huge desire to be with other men, but I'm open enough to feel turned on by the presence of another man if he were the partner of a woman I was with. I know a lot of people in the swing world view this as "swing lite" so to speak, but there's different levels and different desires and from what I've learned in the past few months, there's A LOT of women out there like me and like us. I just can't wait to finally have a free Saturday night together to do something about it!!!