We've been at this almost a year and so far have had some (mostly) wonderful experiences. But I've noticed (male half here) a certain trend in my experiences, and I'm not sure what to do about it. It usually goes like this:
1. leading up to a night out tremendous excitement, can't stop thinking about it, etc.
2. at club, or at date with couple, excitement, then, when I realize something is going to happen, nervousness to the point of feeling a little sick
3. during play time, awesome! Time of my life, for both of us. Big smiles
4. Afterwards, during the nighttime a feeling of, what did we/I just do after having sex with someone else. Swearing I won't do it again.
5. Wake up in the the morning, libido back, and back to number 1!
Maybe it is a matter of getting used to some confusing feelings. Maybe it is that the lifestyle, or being with other people is great in fantasy mode, but too complex or weird in reality.
I know I'll always go back to #1, I guess I'd like to figure out a way to avoid number 4.
Anyone have similar experiences over the years?
Just so I understand: This after-feeling of regret did not happen early in your your of clubbing? That is to say, the feeling came upon you only recently?
Is #4 more about the fact you had sex with someone other than your wife or more about her having sex, or both? Is it more about fear, or guilt or moral issues or something else?
Does your wife have these feeling also? Have you shared the way you feel with her.
I don't think it is uncommon to have some conflicting feelings early on, but yours sound a bit more intense than most have have heard about and felt.
"So let us begin anew - remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness” JFK
Standard disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional and I don't even play one on TV, but I do have a fair amount of experience dealing with my own unwanted negative emotions.
I've used CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to great success and if you can accept the following two ideas then it may help you work through issue 4:
- You own your thoughts and emotions.
- If you want to, you can modify how you feel.
The following is a (simplified and highly contrived) example of how you might used CBT to mediate and modify your negative emotions:
- Identify the thought that triggered the emotion: "I'm an awful person, I just cheated on my wife"
- Asses the emotions you are feeling and their intensities (i.e: loathing: 10, guilt 9, embarrassment 7)
- Peel away the layers of the mental onion that wraps that thought, i.e: What does it mean or say about you that you just "cheated on your wife". Often you will find an extremely hostile thought at it's core, i.e: "I am a lying, cheating, worthless, piece of shit, who always hurts the ones I love"
- Now, do an assessment, can you honestly say that core thought is true? Wasn't your wife aware, and even encourage you? Didn't she enjoy herself? Weren't you completely honest with each other about what was going to happen? etc.
- Re-asses the emotions you are feeling and their intensities
- By confronting the negative thought, you can often greatly reduce the intensity of the associated negative emotions.
There are several very good books that cover CBT in great detail (Mind over Mood is one Mind Over Mood) and I have also benefited from the coaching of a good therapist.
Hmm, maybe you can defuse step 4 by playing with it. Your wife can tell you what a bad, bad boy you've been, and you can tell her what a dirty little slut she is. And that could be the start of something fun.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - H.L. Mencken
I used to have it too.
Its called the refractory period for a guy at least. (on the physical side anyways )
Basically you cum, your brain says 'oh that stuff that was so important to you 10 seconds ago? Not so important now, why don't you go eat a hotdog instead'. With your sex drive dead the concept of swinging seems pointless.
Two things helped this. One was working out, the better shape I'm in the higher my libido and therefore the 'down' wasn't nearly as strong. This may just be particular to my physiology though.
The other would be experience. Once I was 100% comfortable with swinging in all aspects, the 'let down' didn't translate into 'never do that again', it was just normal sexual release and reload time like any other.
Chicup nailed it. Yes, there's a distinct refractory period for guys after you've had an orgasm. Too often, the mental/emotional part of that is overlooked. I don't know if there's anything proving it's "real", but it's real enough for me.
I really enjoy swinging. It's wonderful. Have a great time, etc. If I have a low point in regards to swinging, it's always shortly after I orgasm. With that in mind, I always try to wait until late in the swing-evening before having an orgasm.
Stop kicking yourself! Enjoy!
First of all thank you very much everyone for your thoughtful responses! And Chicup I think you are very close...I've experienced that emotion pre-swinging as well and it is close to what I'm feeling now. I actually don't feel guilty about the "cheating" part of swinging, my wife and I are so (luckily) open that that isn't the thing I feel weird about. It is more, what was that all for kind of feeling, and feeling like it wasn't worth it, or it was a little gross.
Bbarnsworth I think you are right that knowing this emotion and just letting it go will come with experience...so, I guess I'll just have to keep swinging!
thanks again everyone for listening, and responding.
I've heard elsewhere also that men usually have a period of depression after orgasm. I don't recall exactly if was a hormone thing or something like that, but I've definitely experienced it before. Everything that sounded so hot and exciting a few minutes ago all of a sudden seems like it's a bad idea or something. Then, after some time goes by, it seems like a great idea all over again.
i'm struggling with this now myself although we have not had any encounters yet. we talk about swinging before we have sex, then get all hot and bothered and fuck our brains out, and then i wonder why i was thinking those things. after some time, i'm back to thinking about it again with a bulge in my pants. rinse and repeat.
There was a skit on SNL years ago (Kevin Nealon, I think), where he was an adult film reviewer. I don't remember it well, but his reviews went something like this:
This week I watched Debbie Does Dallas. At first I was interested....interested....interested....more interested....VERY interested....not interested
This would repeat for any of the movies he reviewed. A funny metaphor about a man's phases of arousal.
Don't worry, I think that it's universal that all of those hot ideas you have when you're really horny just don't sound hot, and maybe even shameful, when you reach the "not interested" phase.
Also, I've heard that men actually do have a little period of depression after orgasm. So that would play right into feeling negative about what turned you on before. Of course, after that wears off and the hormones kick back in, it's game-on all over again.