I want to? I can't! I want to? I can't!

[fencepost]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to throw this out to you as I do not know where else to go.

I use to fantasize about the swinging lifestyle until I got to close to having our first experience and I then chickened out and got real upset. (not outward to anyone to see) My wife and I talked about this for the longest time and I braved out of my comfort zone and put up a profile and then someone that lives only a couple of blocks away responded.

My wife was so excited that she started to corespond with these people and made friends. This couple are indeed a nice couple and am happy to have met them. I guess I wanted to see what was to be expected from my wife and I, but the conversation never really took off as they were not sure if I was ready or not. I did not give any indication that I was ready as I have to admit, I was nervous, scared and was not sure I could handle seeing another man with my wife.

My wife got real excited and I could tell looking at her, she was giving off signals to this other husband that she was interested. But I did not.

When they were heading out to thier car to go home, my wife started to do more flirting and I knew that she did not want them to leave and wanted to have some fun. But I was not saying anything and I was happy that we had a nice evening and that I could now talk to my wife. But she managed to get the husband to get out of the car before they left and started to kiss my wife. I just stood there not knowing what to think. Then something was said that we could all go back inside and I mumbled a stern NO! I got real scared and then they left and went home. I followed my wife into the house and we talked abit and I tried to tell her that I was fine and liked out company.

A few moments later, the wife was online and she signalled me to come to my computer. We chatted a bit and I left the impression with her that I was ready. I did not lie as I felt I was and did not know why I backed down. But that was only cause I got in the mood.

The next day I became fearful and regretted I have ever lead my wife down this path. I guess I was not ready to bring a fantasy to reality and now she is not happy that I did this. I know that I only ended up teasing her and the others involved. I did eventually tell the other couple that I was really not ready for this as I have lots of issues and the wife seemed to be understanding and told me that I really was not ready. However I did leave my wife very dissappointed and with a desire to be with another man in bed.
She does not want to leave me nor does she want to hurt our marriage and she said that she will not do anything that would hurt it.

My issue is that I really cannot do this lifestyle and yet I want to sometimes. It bothers me sometimes that my wife would want to be in bed with another man and I am not upset with her as I know I put that thought there in the first place. I feel guilty of what I have done and am thinking that I will just swing this once for her and disregard what I am feeling. I really love my wife and she knows it.

Should I or what should I do to make it better for my wife?

[Mr. Truelove]

Swinging isn't for everyone, and it sounds like for you, it might simply be better left as a fantasy. One thing for sure, I would NOT do this "Once for her." That is the surest way to damage your marriage. Either you are both into it, or you aren't. Do not take one for the team.

Mr. Truelove

Originally Posted by fencepost

Hi everyone. Just wanted to throw this out to you as I do not know where else to go.

I use to fantasize about the swinging lifestyle until I got to close to having our first experience and I then chickened out and got real upset. (not outward to anyone to see) My wife and I talked about this for the longest time and I braved out of my comfort zone and put up a profile and then someone that lives only a couple of blocks away responded.

My wife was so excited that she started to corespond with these people and made friends. This couple are indeed a nice couple and am happy to have met them. I guess I wanted to see what was to be expected from my wife and I, but the conversation never really took off as they were not sure if I was ready or not. I did not give any indication that I was ready as I have to admit, I was nervous, scared and was not sure I could handle seeing another man with my wife.

My wife got real excited and I could tell looking at her, she was giving off signals to this other husband that she was interested. But I did not.

When they were heading out to thier car to go home, my wife started to do more flirting and I knew that she did not want them to leave and wanted to have some fun. But I was not saying anything and I was happy that we had a nice evening and that I could now talk to my wife. But she managed to get the husband to get out of the car before they left and started to kiss my wife. I just stood there not knowing what to think. Then something was said that we could all go back inside and I mumbled a stern NO! I got real scared and then they left and went home. I followed my wife into the house and we talked abit and I tried to tell her that I was fine and liked out company.

A few moments later, the wife was online and she signalled me to come to my computer. We chatted a bit and I left the impression with her that I was ready. I did not lie as I felt I was and did not know why I backed down. But that was only cause I got in the mood.

The next day I became fearful and regretted I have ever lead my wife down this path. I guess I was not ready to bring a fantasy to reality and now she is not happy that I did this. I know that I only ended up teasing her and the others involved. I did eventually tell the other couple that I was really not ready for this as I have lots of issues and the wife seemed to be understanding and told me that I really was not ready. However I did leave my wife very dissappointed and with a desire to be with another man in bed.
She does not want to leave me nor does she want to hurt our marriage and she said that she will not do anything that would hurt it.

My issue is that I really cannot do this lifestyle and yet I want to sometimes. It bothers me sometimes that my wife would want to be in bed with another man and I am not upset with her as I know I put that thought there in the first place. I feel guilty of what I have done and am thinking that I will just swing this once for her and disregard what I am feeling. I really love my wife and she knows it.

Should I or what should I do to make it better for my wife?

[SouthBond]

Wow, what a guy. Talk your wife into swinging and then back out. We have found more situations where the husband talks the wife into swinging and then the wife backs out. You both have the itch. It appears that your wife is ready for something new and has mentally accepted the idea. Even if you say no, is your wife going to cheat on you to fulfill her fantasy? As far as not wanting to see your wife with another man, we think that you are wrong. We enjoy watching the other spouse enjoy the thrill.

[intuition897]

First of all, welcome to the board!

Next, I'd like to say that you are being pretty hard on yourself. You can't help your fears holding up swinging any more than you could help holding up a hiking trip with a broken leg. Your wife may be disappointed, but it is MUCH better for her to be in a repairable relationship and disappointed than to be embroiled in the hell you'd find yourselves in if you went ahead without heeding your heart. This isn't the end of the road. You've just got a flat tire. Work together to figure out what's wrong with it, fix it, and try again. She might want to be aware that your "cold feet" may pop up again, so please be patient with you. It's not that you're wanting to tease her; you just need more time getting used to the idea. It's a little more "real" and permanent than you had initially anticipated.

It's unfortunate, but men tend to be misunderstood as much as women. Why is everyone so surprised when a man - a MAN of all people! - is more concerned about his relationship than his orgasm? Why is it assumed that if you wiggle a naked woman on a hook that he'll automatically bite? Despite the consequences or circumstances?? And why is everyone so surprised when women embrace their sexuality and enthusiastically jump into the adventure? Why are they surprised that we can see the difference between making love and having some hot, sweaty, fun sex? That we can tell the difference? We are all just people after all. In swinging, it truly is a level playing field where everyone is absolutely equal. All opinions, all feelings, all "No's" are held equally valid. Leave your gen(d)eralizations at the door.

Originally Posted by fencepost

I will just swing this once for her and disregard what I am feeling

Absolutely under NO circumstances should you ever do such a thing! NEVER disregard your feelings. They are there for a reason. I think many people view negative feelings such as fear and anger as a problem, but I truly believe that the feelings are not the problem themselves. They merely indicate a problem. People tend to focus so much on doing what they can to avoid the feelings themselves that they'll often resort to quick-fix bandaid solutions or avoidance of the irritant altogether. However, this doesn't fix why the negative emotions pop up in the first place. The only way to do that is to sit down and calmly, rationally and logically sort out what is causing them - at the very root. Fix that and voila, no more negative emotions.

If you "take one for the team", you will sorely regret it. The trouble is that in swinging, you are your own worst enemy. The thing you fear or hate the most is exactly what you'll find yourself facing. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you fear that your wife will like another man more than you, it's all you'll be able to think about. It's what you'll believe. So...instead of avoiding it, why not change it? You said you often felt negatively about the idea that your wife likes the idea of receiving pleasure from another man, and her giving him pleasure in return. Why is that? Sum it up in one sentence starting with, "Because I..." Do this with every bad thought or feeling that comes up. Sort it out and compile a list of all these fears and angry feelings that you have and what you think caused them, and go talk to your wife. Ask her, is this really true? Are my fears justified? Can you explain/show me why I shouldn't be afraid of this? You're asking her for help when you come to her with this conversation. These are your feelings, and you own them. They're not her fault. But you do need her help to put them in perspective.

This will be a pretty serious discussion, so be sure you don't start it until you are sure you'll have time to finish it. Don't walk away from it until you feel satisfied that your questions have been answered. If it becomes overwhelming, take a break, but agree on a specific time that you'll get back to the conversation. It sounds daunting, but I assure you, you'll discover a whole new dimension in one another if you do this.

Best of luck and welcome tothe board.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

Swinging isn't for everyone, and it sounds like for you, it might simply be better left as a fantasy. One thing for sure, I would NOT do this "Once for her." That is the surest way to damage your marriage. Either you are both into it, or you aren't. Do not take one for the team.

Mr. Truelove

[We-R-2-Naughty]

Originally Posted by SouthBond

Wow, what a guy. Talk your wife into swinging and then back out. We have found more situations where the husband talks the wife into swinging and then the wife backs out. You both have the itch. It appears that your wife is ready for something new and has mentally accepted the idea. Even if you say no, is your wife going to cheat on you to fulfill her fantasy? As far as not wanting to see your wife with another man, we think that you are wrong. We enjoy watching the other spouse enjoy the thrill.

Chuck and I wholeheartedly agree. What a downer for your wife obviously being excited only to have her unsure and undecisive partner back out of HIS OWN IDEA at the last second.
Your wife obviously likes this 'other husband' enough to put forth the effort for him to get out of his car so your wife can kiss him. I find it abundently cruel to suggest such an idea only to deflate her excitement. We think you may have opened up pandora's box.

We wish you all the best

[socolais]

Intuition, you give GREATcommentary!!!

[fencepost]

This is Mrs Fencepost.
I would like to say that I have told my husband that I will fully support whatever decision he makes as far as the lifestyle is concerned. When he told the other couple that he was now unsure, it was I who gave him the right words to explain to them how he felt so as not to insult or upset them over his indecision. My husband just doesn't handle change very well and it usually takes him longer than the average person to accept and adapt to changes in our life.
The trouble is that in swinging, you are your own worst enemy. The thing you fear or hate the most is exactly what you'll find yourself facing. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you fear that your wife will like another man more than you, it's all you'll be able to think about. It's what you'll believe. So...instead of avoiding it, why not change it? You said you often felt negatively about the idea that your wife likes the idea of receiving pleasure from another man, and her giving him pleasure in return. Why is that? Sum it up in one sentence starting with, "Because I..." Do this with every bad thought or feeling that comes up. Sort it out and compile a list of all these fears and angry feelings that you have and what you think caused them, and go talk to your wife.
Intuition you are right on the money, in fact Mr Fencepost and myself had that conversation that you were talking about the other night before he left to go on the road. Being on the road is one of the issues that he has about the lifestyle as he is afraid that the " other man" may feel that he can just come over any time that my husband is away and so we can play. I have assured my husband that if we are to do this lifestyle then we play together or we don't play at all. To all you others, yes I am disappointed that he put the breaks on after giving me the green light but I would never cheat on him to fulfill my fantasy. I love him very much and will continue to support him fully as I have done throughout our 12 years of marriage no matter what he finally decides he wants to do.

[Playtou]

If you guys want to go forward with this I would suggest that you move very slowly. Perhaps suggest to the other couple that the four of you share a bed with your own partner and no or very little touching. They already know that you are new and may be willing to invest the time into you and walk you through the first stages. Sometimes it can be fun to watch how couples grow in the lifestyle. Having this experience will give you much to talk about and prepare you for the next step should you wish to move forward.

[interested-05]

Mrs fencepost, you have a good heart to recognize your disappointment, and your commitment to playing together. Sounds like the two of you have a good relationship that needs tlc, while you explore the swinging world. Much of the advice here is genuine and a great place for you and your husband to work through the many issues that come up in the lifestyle.
If the two of you want to swing, TAKE your time, be patient and allow your husband to adjust his way of thinking before trying either full or soft swap.
From experience, my ex simply wanted the open marriage and I simply wasnt ready for anything more than fantasy conversation at the time. Given enough time , I know I could have adjusted , example being the fact that I have remarried and find myself in the swinging world today.
WE all have our individual issues. for me a lot of it was fear: fear of the neighbors/family finding out, what if somebody from work found out, and a whole host of others, could this affect my job, could our relationship survive it, how will it change me? I had to make a lot of adjustments in my way of thinking about sex, love, marriage, other peopleand what do they really expect and what are they looking for? Is it really just sex, are they safe and sane?
As a couple, take advantage of the board here and talk about the postings here that touch on issues that interest you and talk about how they make each of you feel. doing so will allow you to better understand yourself and your spouse.
My simple advice , for what it is worth, is take it very slow, and dont expect any swaps for a couple years. Maybe it happens maybe it doesnt, but focus on each other and making your relationship stronger first