Mentor Couples?

[bugaboos]

Hi everyone, thanks for the warm welcome yesterday. I have a question. We've posted ads in several places and had a few experiences. We're still sort of scratching our heads about protacol and ettiquete . The other day we recieved an email for a nice couple, a bit older than us who seem to want to take us under their wing, so to speak. Almost like they'd like to be mentors to us.. has anyone else run into such a thing? What are your thoughts? I'm grateful to some extent, as it would be nice to have someone to bounce things off of in a non judgemental sort of way. I'm just wondering what others had experienced when they started swinging and what they thought of this. Thanks in advance!

the mrs.

[Spoomonkey]

The first couple we played with were very much mentors to us. It was helpful - but ultimately, we realized that what we were looking for was different. It is great to have friends to talk face to face with. But mentors don't always translate to playmates.

I would say - go to dinner with them... See if you share interests. Maybe they can help you find an good club, or maybe a nudist getaway... Whatever your thing is... Just remember that you aren't obligated to play just because they picked up the drinks...

Now - they may end up being wonderful playmates that really introduce you to much more than a good club... I'm not one to say no to opportunity.

It was very helpful for us to be brought along by a wonderful, understanding couple.

Spoomonkey

[SluttyWife]

I kind of like the idea of a swinging mentor.
My first group sex experiences were with my rock and roll sweetie. Never really got over it though...

My first true swinging experiences were oft-discussed with a dear friend from South Texas. Now that I'm thinking about them ...
I sure miss those conversations.

I think a swinging mentor is fine.
Better so if they remain your friends whether or not you have sex with them.



Slutty Wife

[bugaboos]

Thanks, both, for your replies! Truth be told, I'm pretty sure this couple doesn't want to play with us, as much as guide us. I don't have any trouble with it, I just wondered if anyone else had encountered it. I look forward to the opportunity to have people to discuss this stuff with.

Thanks again!

[OhioCouple]

We actually had two mentors of sorts. One via just talking online, the other through an actual meet. The first were active swingers in our area (met through an AOL chat) and spent a lot of time answering all of my long list of questions. (I had not discovered this board yet.) They directed us to a pay site and from there we met our first swing couple. We did happen to run into this couple at a club one evening and the wife and I talked in which I thanked her for taking the time to pointing us in the right direction. Sexually we were not compatible as play mates, but they took the time and effort to show us how to find those in which the overall chemistry matched.

Our first swing couple were experienced in the lifestyle by several years and knew exactly how to guide us without pushing us. They were the first to introduce us to various aspects including going to clubs and were very attentive to our reactions and feelings. Actually they would ask us questions to help us open up and talk about them as certain situations arose. This couple lives nearly four hours from us and we only see each other a couple of times a year, however we keep in contact via e-mail and phone calls in between. I think having a first really good experience set the tone to help us understand when things didn't go so well that not everyone or every situations is going to be 'like' that and we were better prepared in how to handle uncomfortable situations.

I think having a mentor is a good idea....however you must remember that it takes a lot of work and patience on their end and their playtime could be limited. If you are fortunate enough to meet a compatible mentor for your introduction in to the lifestyle, whether you play or not...be sure to thank them.

*EDIT - In a sense this board can also be a mentor for you. It provides the same support multiplied by hundreds that we received from the online couple that we corresponded with. Information is the path to success...

[yawanna]

As you read through this message board, you may notice that there is no ONE definition of swinging, and in general, people find that it's a custom made endeavour.

The couples we know of who practice mentoring in the fashion of taking other couples under their wing and inviting them to all kinds of clubs and events, tend to tutor them to their style of swinging, all the while saying 'it's totally up to you', but making sure the new couple are being schooled in their version of swinging.

I've heard these mentors describe new couples as: fresh meat, first to bed them wins a toaster, they have that new car smell.....

The mentoring has bordered on abusive, and it saddens me to think of all the new couples who felt their only option was to leave completely when things got too intense.

I agree with MrsO...your best mentor would be this site.

We wish you all the best and hope your swinger life is long and fruitful

[bugaboos]

Yawanna,

Thanks for your frank reply. I don't get any feeling that this couple has any bad intentions, they did mention they weren't interested in exploiting our newness.. lol. We've had a few experiences and the opportunity to form a few opinions of our own, which is fortunate.

I've been taking advantage of this board and reading older posts as I have the opportunity and it's great to see everyone's ideas and thoughts, so i'll definitly use this as my point of reference.

Again, thanks so much!

[Spoomonkey]

Let me be the first to offer to check anyone here for that "new car smell"...

I can see what Yawanna is saying, but I haven't run into it... Then again, we've been pretty lucky for the most part in our experiences. Then again, with the first couple we played with, I guess we just decided to leave when it became obvious that they wanted something different than what we wanted...

Being new, you'll probably welcome someone to "show you the ropes" so to speak. You'll want someone to break the ice and suggest the perfect strip-dominos game. But after a while, your swinging becomes more yours'. You take control of the direction. When we felt our "mentor" couple wasn't comfortable with that, we simply went our way.

It frist became obvious when the male half looked at me and said, "I'll bet I can guess that your fantasy is to have someone fuck your wife while you're at work."

"ummm... No..." I said.

We started drifting then and eventually just lost reason to contact them... Okay - it wasn't THAT easy... But - yes... Yawanna is correct, I guess, is my rambling point... Let them mentor you, but be careful not to let them mold you...

And that offer for the "new car smell" still stands...



Spoomonkey

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by yawanna
The couples we know of who practice mentoring in the fashion of taking other couples under their wing and inviting them to all kinds of clubs and events, tend to tutor them to their style of swinging, all the while saying 'it's totally up to you', but making sure the new couple are being schooled in their version of swinging.

I can only comment on what we have encountered and it has never been anything of this nature. Sure we have run across pushy people, however due to the knowledge that we have gained on this board we learned ways to remove ourselves gracefully from a situation that tried to steer us from our goals and fantasies. It basically boils down to what you 'allow' yourselves' to be drawn in to. If something doesn't set right with either of you, then it is time to talk about it and set new ground rules.

[yawanna]

.

due to the knowledge that we have gained on this board we learned ways to remove ourselves gracefully from a situation that tried to steer us from our goals and fantasies.

Absolutely!

Thank GAWD for this board and all who visit here. Where people can vent about, share about, and learn from good and not so good experiences that others can get a heads up on and avoid or emulate.

I think those of us who have been involved for a bit know of or have experienced those less than desirable situations, and can also empathize with newer folks' consternation and concerns, and help them to come to their own conclusions and practices that will help them to realize mostly good swinging experiences.

I wish I'd found this board 6 years ago, but I survived and I'm honoured to be able to share and learn more here

[b_and_sc]

If they're looking to introduce you to clubs and other couples, I think it's great!! I haven't heard of mentors like Yawanna wrote about, but I'm SURE they are out there!!! Trust your instinct!!!

b

[RedRobin]

This is an interesting subject to read about. I believe more single women would enjoy participating in the lifestyle if they were able to find true mentors. Someone to attach themselves to, in a manner of speaking, for safety and security reasons. It is difficult trying to even date as a single woman. The idea of participating as a swinger can become overwhelming to the point of some giving up the idea shortly after it is thought of. Another thought I had along this same line has to do with single men. Most people have rather negative feelings about single men, but they, too, could probably benefit greatly by having a couple take them in hand to assist in guiding them. Like everyone else coming in, single men have nothing to base their actions and reactions on other than past experiences in the dating arena, but those actions are not always appropriate in swinging situations.

I believe the best mentor would be someone that I didn't have any type of sexual relationship with, but someone that could answer questions, be a sounding board, maybe go with me to visit some of the clubs, and just help me pave my way in general until I began to grow comfortable and felt like shedding my water-wings.

And yes, I totally agree that this board could serve some of the same purposes as a mentor but a real-life person would be nice also.

RedRobin

[ShyKitty770]

I was lucky enough to find a "mentor" couple. They are truly a pleasure and never pushy. I never would have visited an on-premise club if it hadn't been for them. Without a partner to lean on, it can be nerve-wracking for a single female to attend lifestyle events - even just meeting couples for the first time.

*Interesting note ... I met them on the personal ads of this website!

SK

[yawanna]

I would like to hear from you two if and when you find yourselves becoming seriously involved with a single man and choose to redefine or modify your previous mentoring relationship.

Single women are few and far between in this lifestyle and it has been mine and other single women's experience that a mentoring couple can get kinda 'clingy'.

I totally agree that the couples who escorted me to clubs and events were a godsend. It also wasn't totally a charitable act on their part toward any of the single women.

Like Mrs O said...it's important to know when to cut the apron strings on the mentors

[Spoomonkey]

Are you refering to people who only think ahead on week at a time?

: )

Just kidding. I think it is pretty easy for some, but most of us are nervous as fresh fish in prison on our first night at a club, first date with a new couple, first phone call, etc. It can be scary and it is GREAT to have others to talk to - either here, virtually, or in the flesh, so to speak.

Spoomonkey