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Thread: Is it ok to go slowly?

  1. #1
    soppo
    Guest

    Post Is it ok to go slowly?

    My wife and I are neophytes completely. We have been married for 25 years and we have 6 young sons. We are professionals. I think that we are both reasonably rather attractive. We have great sex together. We have a very strong and stable relationship. And the relationship ans sex continue getting better. Before we got married we were both rather promiscuous. Yet we have been completely faithful in the past 25 years. We are planning on going to a local on-premises club soon. Neither of us desires a full swap. I could do a soft swap and I think that my wife would get very turned on watching but might feel hesitant about having sex with me in front of others. However, the club we have chosen has some private spas and some private rooms. One of the reasons we are going is to meet new people and to have some uninhibited fun. Because my wife is very conservative she goes very slowly. Like anal sex, at first she wouldn't let me even near her rectum, but slowly I went, and while we don't yet have full anal penetration, she lets me sometimes put the head in and she will take my fullly inserted thumb with great pleasure. She goes slowly. I want to go slowly with this for her? Do you see a problem?

  2. #2

    Post

    No problem at all. You should move things at the pace of the slowest person. If that is her then don't do anything until she is ready.

    However, I have to warn you that you might get more than you bargained for in an on-premise swing club. Private rooms aren't really meant for one couple.. usually for two. While there is nothing wrong with strictly playing with your own partner at any swing club, I think you might find that there is pressure to at least do it in the open. If she's not comfortable watching or being watched.. you might have a problem. But you won't know until you try.

    Personally, I would suggest that if your main purpose is to meet other people that you can talk with openly about sex that you try an off-premise club where there is no sexual pressure. Just a thought.

    Julie http://www.swingersboard.com
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  3. #3
    soppo
    Guest

    Post

    Julie, Thank you for your thoughtful and prompt response. Let me tell you this. I want to watch others. I want to be watched. I am very visually sexual. I am also a little of a "show". If we go to an off-premises club, while I/we certainly would enjoy sexual conversation, there, of course will be no watch and be watched. My wife I don't think will have any problem watching others. That could very well become the prelude into the willingness to be watched. But that is not a guarantee. She is very reserved yet has great cums. A couple of years ago we were at a downtown hotel with a special large room with huge picture windows that extended almost from floor to ceiling. Later that evening when we made love, we had the lights on and we knew that there were people standing at windows accross from us and a little higher watching us. Our lovemaking was FABULOUS. She was even screaming which she doesn't usually do. If I had proposed that room and warned her that people would be watvhing us as we screwed, she would never have agreed. But she did and admitted she liked being watched. When I proposed it again in a different setting, she declined saying that she felt "vulnerable".
    Continuing this thought though, you refer to the sexual pressure at an on-premises club. I thought NO MEANS NO. I thought everyone could go at their own pace. What if my wife agrees to watch, socialize, be friendly, etc. but when our actual penetration takes place she would prefer a more secluded spot. Will people hoot and holler? Will they verbalize their displeasure?
    While I recognize that like the participants being individuals, clubs are also individual, what can we expect for nudity. Will everyone walk in and immediately take all their clothes off. Does sexual activity begin immediately or does it progress slowly. Does everyone become "publicly" naked. Will a person be rejected if they don't progress in nudity and sexual activity at the same rate as the others? If in my own controlled and being dealt with jealousy or self-consciousness find myself limp as a cooked noodle, will other laugh at me? If my wife does start loosening up, getting comfortable, and obviously having a great time, will a pile of men be all over her like bees flocking to honey? What can we expect generally?
    Thank you for your patience.


  4. #4

    Post

    Originally posted by soppo:
    I thought NO MEANS NO. I thought everyone could go at their own pace. What if my wife agrees to watch, socialize, be friendly, etc. but when our actual penetration takes place she would prefer a more secluded spot. Will people hoot and holler? Will they verbalize their displeasure?
    yes, no does mean no. Unfortunately there are two other factors at play here. I'll address the primary one first.

    On-premise clubs being what they are.. you are basically at some point expected to engage in some sexual activity (that means that while everyone else is getting busy it's not polite for you to just be standing around). That doesn't mean that you have to "get busy" with someone other than your spouse. However, you will most likely feel some pressure to do so. Consider this.. this is a swing club.. and for the most part those who attend on-premise swing clubs are looking to swap, so it will be assumed that you are there for the same reason. As such, it is likely that you will be approached, suggestions, comments, requests may be made. Some people are more forward than others and (unfortunately) don't always ask before they get a little pushy. And if alchohol is allowed at this club.. well that brings a whole nother level of play into the mix. (We've all seen how alchohol does not always have a good affect on people).

    That being said back to the no means no issue. If you do decide to go and you are approached explain to them that you are new to this and aren't sure what you are ready for yet. Most people will be fine with this. However, you are likely to encounter one or two (10 or 12 if this club allows single guys) who try to push you to do more than you are ready for.

    I hope that explains better what I was saying earlier. I don't want to scare you from going to an on-premise club but you should be aware of how things can be.

    You might get lucky tho and have no problems at all with people.. and you and your wife get so turned on by watching some others play that you start going at it in the midst of the fun... you can excercise your exhibitionist side and voyeuristic side all at once

    Good Luck and be sure to let us know how it goes and what your experience was once you do go.

    Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  5. #5

    Post

    Originally posted by soppo:
    While I recognize that like the participants being individuals, clubs are also individual, what can we expect for nudity. Will everyone walk in and immediately take all their clothes off. Does sexual activity begin immediately or does it progress slowly. Does everyone become "publicly" naked. Will a person be rejected if they don't progress in nudity and sexual activity at the same rate as the others? If in my own controlled and being dealt with jealousy or self-consciousness find myself limp as a cooked noodle, will other laugh at me? If my wife does start loosening up, getting comfortable, and obviously having a great time, will a pile of men be all over her like bees flocking to honey? What can we expect generally?
    Unfortunately your first statement pretty much says it all. Each club is different, so it's hard to answer these questions.
    Nudity: some clubs have certain areas that you must be nude to enter, at others everything may be all mixed and things may progress from clothed to nudity. In general women come dressed sexy.. she might want to even bring a teddy or chemise to change into. In your case I would expect to be shirtless (at least) by midnight.. if not down to your boxers. Again tho, these things very from club to club. I will say that there are some clubs where you can expect to be nude fairly early in the evening.
    Do things start right away? I would say in general no. But then again if you get there an hour or so after the club has opened for the evening.. you may walk in and find that everyone is naked and playing with a neighbor.
    Will your wife find herself in the midst of a bunch of guys? That depends a lot on what she is doing and how many guys are there. I will say that this is very likely if you are there on a night when they are allowing single guys in. I would suggest you avoid an on-premise club on a night when single guys are there UNLESS you have a desire to swing with single guys.. which I'm thinking you don't. If it's not a single guy night, I guess it would depend on what your wife is doing. If you and she are having sex in a room where others are, don't be surprised to find a roaming hand. If that is the case and you or she is not comfortable with it.. remove the hand and let them know that you aren't interested. The polite thing on their end would be to ask first.. but it won't always happen.. think heat of the moment and naked female body.

    I know that doesn't help a lot. What I would really suggest for you is that you talk with the hosts of the club you are considering going to before you go. Ask them your questions. Since they are at their club on a regular basis they should be able to answer them for you. If the club has a new swinger orientation be sure to go to it.

    I wish you luck

    Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  6. #6
    CyberMWCouple
    Guest

    Thumbs up

    Julie,

    These are ALL good information, especially for those of us who haven't done the "clubbing" thing.......Yet.

    Personally, I would feel much more comfortable going to a swingers club with other friends/couples who we know and already swing with. This way, when the sexual fun begins, we have mutual swinging friends/partners there to play with! And maybe, if we decide to "play" with others there at the club, then that's okay too...

    "Baby-steps" for me....


    Wife of CyberMWCouple

  7. #7

    Post

    Originally posted by CyberMWCouple:

    Personally, I would feel much more comfortable going to a swingers club with other friends/couples who we know and already swing with. This way, when the sexual fun begins, we have mutual swinging friends/partners there to play with! And maybe, if we decide to "play" with others there at the club, then that's okay too...
    Wife of CyberMWCouple
    Something to consider with what you mentioned. If you decide to do things this way I would suggest you go with other couples who are newbies to the club scene as well. One thing I've found is that most couples who are experienced with the club scene don't want to be "bothered" with having a newbie couple hanging on them all night. Basically, they know other couples there and want to socialize and maybe play but often feel held back by the newbie couple.

    Just something to consider.

    Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  8. #8
    CyberMWCouple
    Guest

    Smile

    Originally posted by JustAskJulie:
    Something to consider with what you mentioned. If you decide to do things this way I would suggest you go with other couples who are newbies to the club scene as well. One thing I've found is that most couples who are experienced with the club scene don't want to be "bothered" with having a newbie couple hanging on them all night. Basically, they know other couples there and want to socialize and maybe play but often feel held back by the newbie couple.

    Just something to consider.
    I hear whatcha saying....But if that's the way these "friends" feel, then that's not the kinda "friends" we wanna be with in the FIRST place! We wouldn't consider hanging out with anyone with disrespectful attitudes towards our relationship.

    We've already chatted with a couple of our couple-friends about maybe checking out the club scene one of these days....Although, we're in no rush at the moment...

    Thanks for the input!


    Wife of CyberMWCouple

    [This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 01-28-2001).]

  9. #9

    Post

    Originally posted by CyberMWCouple:
    We wouldn't consider hanging out with anyone with disrespectful attitudes towards our relationship.
    I don't think you are seeing both sides of this. I can see where it sounds harsh that a couple would feel that way. But to many couples the idea of going to a club is that they can have fun and get to know many people and even play with many people.
    If they are there with a new couple who may only be comfortable with the experienced couple by their side it holds back the experienced couple. Puts them in a position where they can only play if the new couple is up for it and interested in the other people they are wanting to play with.
    It's not a matter of disrespect, it's actually more of RESPECT. They don't want to just leave you standing there to fend for yourself while they are off having fun, but at the same time they do want to have fun.
    Basically, if they are really friends they will most likely be happy to have you go with them so that you are comfortable for your first time.. just remember tho that they are in a way putting themselves out to do so.

    Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  10. #10
    CyberMWCouple
    Guest

    Wink

    Like I said earlier, I know whatcha mean, or in other words....Where you're cummin' from. And that's fine too, that there are couples who feel this way. But, not so with the couples who WE'VE been talking about, the friends that we've ALREADY talked with, friends who know where each other are cummin' from and know what they want outta this "experience" who we choose to share with.

    I "see" both sides of the coin that you're talking about, but this is the "side of the coin" that we're at at this time in the lifestyle.

    Who knows, maybe we'd go for it and JUMP right in on our first visit to a club!


    Wife of CyberMWCouple

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