Nervous, I want to take little steps

[deanncat 25]

Ok, we have talked about swinging. I'm not shy, but can be in the bedroom.

 

We have a great marriage and hubby has brought me out of my shell. We have been married for 12 years and want to spice up our marriage. Hubby suggested it. At first I'm like people really do that? Wow!

 

I liked how it sounded and having been tossing around and talk and talk until totally worn out. We have fantasized about it and this resulted in outstanding sex. We've been on this site for over a year now and have read all the questions and answers. We've also been on swinglifestyle and even found someone recently that I hit it off with but then I changed my mind. We chatted, and they had a webcam and we talked on phone.

 

When it came down to meeting, they wanted to meet at our house and I freaked. I should also say it was a mfm threesome scenario. I couldn't relax and he wasn't even here yet! So, we cancelled and now feel foolish and nothing exciting is happening. I just got nervous. It felt like even for first meet, must have sex at that point.

 

I felt rushed because the one we want to meet had kids, we have kids, so it was going to be morning meet and sex. Oh wow, totally felt pressured and rushed.

 

I just don't know how to move to next level. I thought I really wanted to play, but not sure now. Help!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,019]

You speak of "they" when you say you (assuming this "you" means you and your husband) spoke on the phone and saw "them" on Web cam. But then you say the meeting was to be MFM. I take from this that an unaccompanied man was invited to be at your home. Why was it just "he" not "they"?

 

-- Might have worked better if you have met "him" or "them" at a neutral location before making the invitation for intimate contact. Would have been better, in other words, to become a little better acquainted beforehand.

 

-- Might have worked better if the invitation for the intimate contact had been made for a neutral location such as a hotel room.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

This is what often happens when people place themselves in a position to feel pressured.

 

You've mentioned all the steps you took that led up to you cancelling. You can reflect on what happened and decide to do things differently next time. You can learn from this experience. It doesn't mean all is lost. You may decide not to meet this man, but other opportunities can come along if you and your husband are both interested in pursuing swinging.

 

My suggestions:

 

- If you e-mail, chat, IM, webcam with a "potential" playmate, don't do it in such a way that you have had virtual sex through these avenues. Because when you finally plan to meet you'll likely feel you have no other choice than to play when you do first meet, and then you'll likely end up where you did...feeling rushed and backing out. You should never set yourself up for that because until you actually meet a single man (or couple) you won't know if you'll want to play.

 

- Always set up a first meet just to get acquainted. Meet in a neutral place, not either person's home, so you can determine if you want to move onto sex. If you are sure you want to have sex, you can go to a hotel. If you aren't sure, and you want to think about it more and discuss the meet with your husband, say goodbye and let the man know you'll be in touch. Then you and your husband can talk in private and discuss how you each felt about him and whether you want to proceed to meet and play in the future.

 

You say, "nothing exciting is happening in my room now." What does this mean?

 

I agree with you, taking little steps is a very good idea.

[Guest screaminggood]

I agree that baby steps are the best way as well, but I have a different suggestion of a baby step for you: go to an off-premise club, or if that's too forboding go to a strip club first....with one rule: absolutely no playing for either of you! Then see how you like the atmosphere, the people if it's a swingers club, etc. In other words, see if you're comfortable with it before you ever consider doing anything.

 

And personally, we're very clear that we only play with people we meet in person. Online just seems so complex whereas in person, it's easier to make a decision.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

deanncat ~

 

You use the terms "they" and "them" and after reading your prior posts I am wondering if you are referring to your husband and the single male?

 

You have previously mentioned in a few posts that it was your husband who brought up swinging, preferably MFM, and even you going out on your own with a male. Now that I know this, I think you may feel you were doing this more for your husband than you. I wonder if the two men were moving too quickly for you and you didn't know how to say "slow down."

 

You need to talk to your husband about all this now more than ever, to figure this out.

 

Please come back and share your thoughts.

[deanncat 25]

My husband has been with me every step of the way. He has mentioned it is to be at my pace all the time.

 

Hubby said I could play away from home. I didn't want to do that, I go out with the girls and flirt and I think that is why he said that was ok, but to me, doing anything other than that is cheating and it bugged me that he thought that was ok. So, a MFM threesome sounded like fun and then I bailed. When I talked to other male on phone, yes, there was sex talk. Hubby was there too and it was a great time. Since that, since I hadn't really met him yet, I felt like now I have no option and must go to next step.

 

Discussing swinging has made things very exciting in our bedroom and we talked about everything. Now, nothing is being discussed about it, and I don't think we know how to move on in the bedroom or try again.

 

I'm aggravated at myself that I let such a little thing stop me.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

Don't beat yourself up so hard! It's not easy to break out of a comfort zone of marriage and monogamy of 12 years. You always have every right to say no when you're uncomfortable. , and it sounds like this was just too rushed. I personally would not be able to handle a morning meet like that either. I have to have some face to face conversations to get comfortable. Meeting online, even chatting, just isn't the same thing.

 

Likeminds and screaminggood gave you some great advice. It seems this first meeting was just a bit too rushed for you, and that's ok. Try the strip club, an off premise club, whatever you feel comfortable with doing to see if this is something you both want to do.

 

You wrote "now nothing's being discussed" - perhaps your husband is not broaching the subject again because he doesn't want you to feel rushed or uncomfortable. I think you should approach him and tell him how you feel now. The absolute worst thing you can do is stop talking to each other. Always, always, keep the lines of communication open.

[iapr 24]

I felt like now I have no option and must go to the next step,

 

STOP RIGHT THERE!

 

This sentence shows where you are going wrong and looking at it the wrong way.

 

The reason you backed out is because you did not feel in control of your own sexuality enough and felt that too much was out of your control and that other men were making decisions on what you were going to do with your body and your sexuality. In order for you to feel more comfortable you need to take charge over what is happening more and not leave it up to your husband to decide what you do with your body.

 

 

In the lifestyle everything is an option and everything is at each individuals own pace and by their own decisions. You are not obligated to do anything with anyone at any time regardless of what your discussions have been in the past.

 

Swinging is a recreational extra frill, it is expendable and no one is ever obligated to do anything they do not wish to do and no one has the right to ask someone else to do anything with their sexuality that they do not wish.

 

 

So lets back up a bit. YOU take charge of your sexuality and YOU decide who you talk with and YOU decide who you meet and YOU decide where and when you meet and YOU decide if there is to be any physical activity or not. Since this is your body and your sexuality here it is YOU that decides all the conditions and all the parameters and if your husband wants to experience this then he must conform to your wishes. YOU need to be in charge for this to work, not him and especially not some other man.

 

It's ok to go to talking with your husband about it, it fact it is an absolute MUST. Only this time you need to tell him what makes you more comfortable and under what conditions you will consider doing this.

[I'm her's 15]

Want advice from someone who has no practical experience in this area? Take it for what it is it worth and ton of salt.

 

For me in situations like this in the past, and how I see the future playing out, is one of natural progress. There really should be no work involved. From talking with your SO, real openness and understanding through constant communication. These conversations should not be stressful, but as easy as talking about grocery shopping. This takes a lot of time to be comfortable just talking and joking about it.

 

Once things are good between you two, then it's to talk to others about it. Being around others, not for jumping in, but for friends and good conversations. Meet people that are like you. No pressure, do nothing except to talk with your SO and being comfortable in that type of environment.

 

It will happen or not is what I mean by it being natural. Take it or leave it. Now if this is an agenda, something that will or greatly desires it to happen of course is a different approach. One with more possible pitfalls, but can be just as good depending on the people involved and their strength of their love for each other.

[deanncat 25]

Things changed when at some point the men took control, I guessed it changed the fun for me. I wanted it to be about having fun and then if we were all having a good time and one thing led to another then it happened, that was ok. It is what keeps me from being too fearful I think - getting comfortable chatting face to face, having a good time, and then going from there. I decided that the net and phone are great introduction, but then one must go out and meet and get comfortable and then if it leads to swinging, ok, go from there.

[ownerspet 506]

I think you are definitely on the right track with the going out, meeting face to face, and becoming comfortable for all parties involved first. Then if things are ok go from there.

 

It seems that at this point, If I were you, I think I might take the whole attitude of "not playing on the first date." Maybe even going dancing or out to dinner with him with intentions of just getting to know him or being comfortable with him. I may even take the hubby so you get his view point on the character issues (after all you probably want your husband to be comfortable with this guy also).

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

Just slow it down. Don't put yourself in a situation where you feel that sex has to be the outcome. Your initial meet should be with just meeting in mind... you can set it at a time and place so that should you want to go further you can... but not in such a way that you feel you have to.

[JustMrJ 178]

Your communication needs to happen with each other... asking advise on this forum is what we are here for. Both of you are welcome to ask questions and explain what's going on... we will be happy to help if we can.

 

BUT, you need to do this TOGETHER! Communicate, talk and most importantly, LISTEN!

 

I can't stress enough the need for good communication both directions from both of you.

 

Please take some time, talk it out, find out what you both really want out of each other and how it relates to this LifeStyle.

 

Good luck... *HUGS*

[sweet_tna 680]

While I think it's great y'all have been reading the board here and trying to take advice from the wise folks here, you're missing the most crucial thing that we ALL say. You need to TALK to EACH OTHER.

 

Until you can and do, you need to hit the brakes on any swinging-related activities.

 

As has also been said, ad nauseum, is that no one has to do ANYTHING they're not comfortable. So if, once y'all have talked this out and decided what your comfort levels are, then go as slow as you need to.

 

Best of luck to y'all.