Scared and intimidated guy

[TeamSoBe]

Hi all, this is our first post. Sorry this is so long, I wasn't sure how to edit it down.

I just married the girl of my dreams about eight months ago, after dating for three years. We are very solid and very secure. We have also just apparently become swingers, officially. Problem is, the whole thing kind of scares me because I'm inexperienced.

I'm 28, but I have had few sexual partners, only one before I met my wife, three at this point because of our combined bachelor/bachelorette party where we both had a lot of fun. I'm not a dork, it's just that I always used to have a sexual outlook that was based on long-term commitment. I was involved in a polyamorous relationship for years in college, but big surprise, it never got me laid.

My wife, on the other hand, has always been very promiscuous. She grew up with three older brothers so she's very attuned to the male outlook on sex and she kind of shares it. She started having sex young and she has a long list of experiences with guys whose names she doesn't even try to remember.

Because of my polyamorous side and her slutty side, we seem to be natural swingers. I get a lot of pleasure out of watching her have fun with other guys or girls, and she just enjoys sex. We exist in a culture that parties pretty hard, so it has never been a problem convincing our single guy friends to have threesomes, foursomes, whatever. I have really enjoyed those experiences even though there isn't much in it for me.

So my problem is that we are now apparently branching out and going after couples that think of themselves as 'swingers', partly so that I can have some fun. We had an experience last weekend at a party with a couple that really turned both of us on. My problem is that when it comes down to it, I find myself in a room with three people that are all completely comfortable with having sex with complete strangers, and the whole thing is new to me. I was really uncomfortable and completely intimidated and I didn't perform well at all, and when I realized that the other guy was performing just fine in my wife I didn't handle it gracefully at all. The couple was very gracious about the whole thing and they still seem to like us but now I'm really embarrassed. Now we're about to leave for a week-long house party in Key West with this couple and another couple that are of the same basic mind-set.

So what the hell do I do? I'm so intimidated that I'm actually scared of the point that everybody else is aiming at, where we're alone with another couple and everybody is looking for sex. I don't have a problem at all when it's just my wife and I and another guy, but when there is a girl there for me I get the worst performance anxiety and I feel like it's a race to do the deed since I know that the other guy is going to nail my wife no matter what I end up doing. I really enjoy the sex and I have always wanted a girl to play with, but I wasn't expecting to live in fear of that moment. I'm afraid that if I talk too much about this with anybody that I'll come off as a big whiner, but it's really hard to play the macho confident guy when you're so intimidated.

I know that most of the swinger culture seems to be oriented toward making uncomfortable women feel more comfortable. Has anybody experienced this sort of thing, where the girl is all for it but it's the guy that is shy and nervous?

[ciscosv]

I can see where you are coming from here. Does your wife make you feel comfortable? My advice would be to let these other couples know what you are dealing with. (Make the long story short of course!) I will bet that the other ladies will be more than happy to make you forget about your problem and concentrate on you! I dont think its a problem, rather more of a concern. Why dont you all go to Duvall street and relax a little, have some fun to get you in a better mood and forget about the "performance anxiety".

I hope this helps at least 10% of the issue and expect more advice.

[JustAskJulie]

Have you really talked to your wife much about this? If you talk to no one else you should talk to her.

One thing that might help you as well is to maybe go the soft-swing route at first just to get used to things and to being with other women in your wife's presence but without worrying about "doing the deed".

Hopefully, you may also find out that the more you are around this couple the more comfortable you feel with them. And with that it becomes easier for you, since it won't be so much a "sex with strangers" issue.

[TeamSoBe]

Wow, you guys are quick, I didn't expect that. Thanks for the help.

Julie, yes, my wife and I are unusually tight. Partners in life. We talk very openly about everything. She completely understands how I feel, and part of the whole point of the experience this weekend was her trying to push me along a little. I know that she supports me no matter how I deal with this, but I don't want to get whiney with her. I'm walking a fine line between being open about something that's a problem for me and just whining and looking like a dork.

We have also done plenty of what you guys call 'soft swinging', with guys, girls, guys and girls, whatever, our experience together is not the problem. Nobody is crossing any boundaries or anything, neither of us really seem to have any boundaries. We have had countless go-all-the-way experiences with other guys both before and after getting married and I have always been perfectly happy watching other guys have sex with her.

It's really just that I'm now expected to be doing something on my own that scares me. I have always jumped in and had fun with my wife when it was us and other guys, or us with girls that were into her but wanted to keep things 'soft'. Now that we have finally just admitted that we're apparently swingers, we're being exposed to girls that party like we do, all the way. I'm thrilled for that but there's a panic alarm going off in my head.

So yes, my current plan is what Ciscosv mentioned, just hang out and get to know these people and make sure that they aren't actually bent about how I handled the last time. They seem to be interested enough that they have been willing to put up with me being an incompetent ass once or twice. Then maybe if I know them a little better the sex-with-strangers thing won't be such an intimidation factor.

For somebody that has had the polyamorous outlook for so long, the idea of hooking up with complete strangers just for sexual gratification is really exciting but completely filled with guilt. My wife, of course, doesn't understand what the big deal is. Her experience is mostly with guys that just wanted to nail her, nothing more. Cranking my head around to that point of view has been strange for me.

I don't have a problem with the four or five of our guy friends that have been with my wife since we've been together and I certainly don't care if all they wanted out of her was a good lay, but I seem to have a problem taking that attitude myself. The last thing in the world that I want is a meaningful romantic relationship with the girl in question, but think that I feel pretty guilty admitting that still.

I want pretty much the same thing that my wife wants, good friends that we party intimately with, with no strings other than friendship. I have an intense urge to do some exploring too, since I have been with so few women, but being the newbie among seasoned veterans is intimidating me very seriously.

[ciscosv]

I think you are being a little to hard on yourself. If you feel guilt, incompetent and alarmed, maybe your just not ready to dive in. I am not sure what is really going on in your head at the moment. Sounds like a ton of confusion. It sounds like is alot easier for wife to dive right in with you being hesitant on your end. Thats odd. Usually it is the other way around. Im not hung like Johnny or Mr. North and really have never thought I had performance problems and really wouldn't care. Afterall, I please the hell out of my wife! If I am reading this correctly (I dissect things sometimes and get off taget) it seems that you want to go the freindship approach where as your wife is just looking for pure sexual gratification. You have not had as many partners as her and value the relationship aspect more. Very understandable. If that is the case you guys should get on the same page. Dont think you are whining and being a dork. Remember that you are both in this together. Keep us updated.

[TeamSoBe]

Yes, Ciscosv, I might actually need to be friends with this couple first. My wife obviously doesn't care one way or another, she likes the couple but that's immaterial to her ability to get freaky with them. What I really wish is that everybody didn't expect me to take the lead, if the situation were reversed and our female half was the one that was scared then everybody would be catering to that. Since I'm the guy though, I have to step up and make it all happen, and I don't know what the hell I'm doing with a girl that I don't know at all. I have had ridiculous amounts of really hot sex, but all with a very short list of women that I knew really well.

Honestly I think that my only problem is that I'm intimidated by everybody else. I feel like a complete newbie around them when they get to the part where everybody is having sex, and I feel like everybody knows that I'm so inexperienced. Well actually, now they do because I blabbered about that when I handled last weekend so horribly.

We had a party recently where there were three of us guys, my wife, and a girl that is unfortunately blood-related to me. My wife had sex with literally everybody there, several times each, and I had a great time. I was right there with everybody else, having a blast. That's pretty typical of our parties, we do that a lot and nobody has any regrets about it. We live in South Beach, so one of the guys at that party was a gorgeous fashion model, the other a tall exotic Spaniard. These things I don't have a problem with, I'm just happy that my wife got to do the nasty with such hunky guys and then I'm even happier that she cuddles up with me at the end. The same situation with a girl that I can actually have, though, and I'm a quivering bowl of jello. Maybe this is why I never used to get laid much, women apparently intimidate me.

Okay, so here's an actual question instead of just me babbling: as a more experienced couple/person, what would be your impression of a couple with a guy that is so scared? Should I just shut up about it and pretend to be Mr Macho Man until I have had enough experience that I'm not so intimidated, or would you understand if a couple gave you the green light on anything that you wanted to do but just asked that it move a little slower this time around for the benefit of Mister Wimpy? If I don't get some confidence pretty soon then the whole problem will be moot because nobody will want to be with me anyway, I'm very aware of that.

One thing that confuses me is how much communication is expected beforehand. In my world, you know a lot about a person before you have sex with them. In my wife's world you're lucky to get a name first. I just want to know if it would be considered a party-killing foul to say "Look, I'm sorry that I freaked out and interrupted you while you were screwing my wife, I would love for you to repeat that performance but I just need everything to go a little slower this time because I'm new at this." Does that work?

I'm really not as wimpy and whiney as I sound here, there is a lot more to me, this is just today's theme because I'm anxious about this vacation next week. One of the big themes in my wife's life is that she has always taken a vacation once a year and just had as much random, impersonal sex as possible while she was away from home and then she would settle back into her 'real' life. I think that's a pretty cool feature in a woman and I really would like to share that with her. I really respect and admire my wife for how she has led her life and I look up to her in many ways, especially when it comes to sex. I feel like I'm going to let her down if I don't find a way around how intimidated I feel about having had such a slow start in my own life.

Thank you both for your help though, being able to talk to people that actually have some chance of understanding is amazing. The Internet is just too cool. Sorry again that these are so long, I type really fast and this all seems very important to me right now.

[ciscosv]

"I might actually need to be friends with this couple first. My wife obviously doesn't care one way or another" you wrote

I dont hear a "we" in there and think that swinging is a team effort. I dont want to over step any boundaries in the least. I have heard the statement " Something doesn't sound right here" on this board a few times and should say that now. It could be that I am reading to much into this but, there seems to be some repetetious statements in your posts. It seems taht something bothers you alot!

You dont have a problem with her gettin busy with any guy/gal? Why dont you start gettin busy with some ladies too? Since you do, that's a problem.

We have not gotten into the "full swing of things" (pun intended) yet. But I will tell you that I would not have a problem with my wife getting busy with another guy. Now she wont be having sex with just anyone. I will not have a problem cock-blocking any dude married or otherwise out there and she can have leash around my goods any time she chooses. This is our thing! We do want the friendship before we get down to business. We just not have found that yet. This is not a weight/age/race thing here. We are open with each other.

As far as the intimidation. You should not be intimidated by any women unless you are into BSDM/S&M? If you were not a good lover, I highly doubt your wife would have married you. Sex is a huge part of what "it" is to be human.

I really hope to hear some more opinions from other people on this board. And I am sure you will!

[JustAskJulie]

quote:

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We have also done plenty of what you guys call 'soft swinging', with guys, girls, guys and girls, whatever, our experience together is not the problem. Nobody is crossing any boundaries or anything, neither of us really seem to have any boundaries. We have had countless go-all-the-way experiences with other guys both before and after getting married and I have always been perfectly happy watching other guys have sex with her.

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But you haven't done it with this couple. I totally understand what you are dealing with as my hubby is along the same lines as you. If he doesn't know a woman and feel comfortable with her then he's not going to perform well (Viagra may come in handy for you). However, if we have gotten to know the couple/female pretty well then no problem (no Viagra needed).

quote:

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. I just want to know if it would be considered a party-killing foul to say "Look, I'm sorry that I freaked out and interrupted you while you were screwing my wife, I would love for you to repeat that performance but I just need everything to go a little slower this time because I'm new at this." Does that work?

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Yes, absolutely. Most swinger couples understand that one of the basic rules is that everyone moves at the pace of the slowest person (no matter who that person is). They should be more than willing to let you dictate the pace at which you all move.

[TeamSoBe]

"I dont hear a "we" in there and think that swinging is a team effort."

No, we're a very good, tight team. My wife can't help her partner unless she knows what he needs though, and he hasn't necessarily figured it out himself.

One thing that I am absolutely confident in is the bond that we have between us. No 'normal' guy could watch his wife have marathon sex with a six-foot-tall male fashion model with an enormous robo-schlong without being very comfortable and confident in the relationship. Me, I'm just proud of her for getting him.

"You dont have a problem with her gettin busy with any guy/gal? Why dont you start gettin busy with some ladies too? Since you do, that's a problem."

I am just a complete newbie at gettin busy with the ladies myself. I literally just never have, I've been with the same two women since I started having sex. That first time with somebody new that you don't know very well is a scary, unfamiliar place for me.

I really do appreciate the replies, I'm working on zeroing in on what it is that's bothering me. I'm starting to think that if we can communicate to our playmates that there is a newbie in the room and please go a little slower for him, then I'll probably be okay. If I mention that and they are still interested in us then I suppose that I don't have much to worry about. This couple gives every indication of being very gung ho still. We're a pretty popular couple, frequently pursued, we just haven't ventured into this available-female territory yet.

[TeamSoBe]

Thanks for the help, Julie. Very reassuring. Assuming that my lady concurs I'll just let this couple know how I feel and let them know that we would really like to try it again. I am perfectly comfortable discussing things like that with them even though I'm scared about getting physical. Maybe that will help to get me out of this.

[ciscosv]

I think that alot of couples would be more than happy to work with you and your when they understand your concern. In fact, I also think that once you lay your cards out on table with another couple/s, there will be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders leading to nothing but wonderful experiences for you as well. Keep in mind that we all pretty much dont dive in to start. Here's a side note:

You are obviously comfortable with your wife right?. Use her as your viagra/fluffer and then switch to the other women to finish you off.

This may be different than your situation but here it goes. The other night my wife and I were groovin and she wanted me to "pretend" she was another woman. I gave her the name of a lady that I would consider a good "friend". I will tell you that I could not imagine her being another woman what so ever. Sure made me blow though. I love my little lady love!

I do sympathize with you! Good luck

[TeamSoBe]

Hmm, use my wife for Viagra. I like this idea. I have zero problems with my wife, even with other people around.

Yeah, the more I think about it, I would have been a lot more comfortable starting out with her instead of just striking out on our own with new people, independently.

Gee, where were you last weekend? I could have really used the advice. That, along with "Don't drink so much."

[OhioCouple]

TeamSoBe,

I think a lot of pressure exists for men to be able to perform on a moments notice. This is the F half here and quite frankly, lets face it women can "fake" it if necessary if you use some sort of lubrication. It is much more difficult for men to "fake" it for obvious reasons.

Speaking on behalf of our experiences, my better half, who would love to bed me at 10, 2, 6, and 8 daily with no problems what so ever, does have a problem when it comes to first time encounters. He ends up feeling pretty much the same as you. But,after we have gotten to know our partners over the course of time and several meetings, he is able to maintain that ever present erection that he has at home.

It sounds to me that you need to find a happy medium between you and your wife. If I read you correctly, she likes the thrill of chance encounters and you would prefer to know them better. Remember this is a "Team Sport".

Ciscosv has the right idea, start with your wife and then make the switch before you finish off. This has worked for us.

Also, as you are going to a week long house party, that will give you the opportunity to get to know others a lot better than a one night fling, which will help. Try not to be so hard on yourself, go with an open mind and relax. Julie is right that most people will go with the flow of the slowest partner. In one instance for us, it was the male who had problems and over the course of time after re-assurance that it was okay by both myself and his wife (he was upfront about his problem, his wife has absolutely none) we enjoy a very active relationship with them. In another instance, it was myself that had a problem with just meeting someone for the first time and I was pretty open and honest about it. The male was very sensitive to that and by the evenings end we enjoyed some awesome sex together as he took appropriate measures to insure that we moved at a pace which was comfortable for me. We do swing on a regular basis with both of these couples now.

Fear and insecurity are powerful emotions. Being upfront and honest about them with your potential partners and with your wifes support will help to overide them.

Lori

[ciscosv]

Add to don't smoke too much pot as well. I do know drinking does this. Smoking had killed my erection !many! times in past years. Looking back I have had some performance problems but got over the emotional anxiety rather quickly. And like you have never had a problem performing for my wife. She is comfortable and strangers are not. Sounds like you have some good ideas to play with. Have fun down in the keys for us all in the midwest!!!!

[JustAskJulie]

quote:

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Originally posted by ciscosv:

You are obviously comfortable with your wife right?. Use her as your viagra/fluffer and then switch to the other women to finish you off.

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That was more or less my thought when I mentioned soft-swinging with the couple until you are totally comfortable.