Is it possible for both of us to be completely comfortable?

[Sara]

Hi everyone,
I have been lurking for a while, and have found this board to be very informative. I can't believe how many of the regular members take time out to answer the newbies, and thought I'd try to take advantage of your generosity to get some feedback!

My bf and I have been together 3 1/2 years and have decided we are ready to try swinging. My bf seems pretty much up for anything, but I'd like to start with soft swing with another couple. A scenario I had in my head were we could swap partners for kissing/touching and then go back to each other for intercourse, and there could be some interaction between me and the other woman as well; I've never tried that and always was curious about it.

We answered an ad by a couple who said they were looking for another couple with a bi-curious female, or just a bi female, for soft swap. I wrote to the woman and we seemed to hit it off well. She said her main thing was to find a woman to play with, but they were into the couples thing, too. They seemed like a great couple, and we exchanged photos and it seemed like it might happen.

The more we chatted, though, the more the woman kept emphasizing how they were looking for another WOMAN. At this point, I felt as if my bf would be left out of the equation, which is something I didn't want to happen. I wouldn't want it to turn into a threesome between me and the other couple, with my bf on the sidelines! I told her my fears and she said no, the guys won't be left out. She said they weren't into having intercourse with other people but oral sex with someone else seemed ok to them.

She just wrote me and said they had their first experience with another couple, and they liked it, but both couples fought afterward (miscommunication, and a "Did you like her better than me" type of thing). That caused some concern in me, but then I thought, hey I guess they have to learn as they go along, right? Also they seemed to have come up with some extra rules, which I guess is normal since they've had their first experience. One of the rules is no kissing the other partner (they feel it's too intimate) except "the girls can kiss of course". Now I don't know why, but this turned me off! Then she said they were all about girl/girl. I mean, she always said her biggest desire was to be with another woman, but it seems that this first experience cemented that. So, now we are both thinking this is not a good match for us.

My question, if you are still awake, is this: are we being too picky? I thought we were being open to new ideas, but once this was sprung on us we felt we should back off. Neither of us wants to do this until we are completely comfortable, but I am wondering if complete comfort is a pipe dream. How much should we compromise on? Does anyone go into a situation without feeling 100% right about it?

I am also wondering if there are, indeed, any couples out there looking for other couples, or if they are all looking for women and settling for the other guy coming along, too!

[FromFlorida]

Sara, your concerns are well founded. No, you are not being too picky. Stay with your desire for the 100% comfort level. There are plenty more couples out there to choose from, I would pass on the couple you mentioned.

You will probably run into many couples with that sort of hidden agenda. We see it often. But there are plenty of couples, that really are looking for couples. Take your time and don't be discouraged by what has just happened. It will probably happen again. You have already saved yourself a big hassel and some hurt feelings, this time.

Be patient, and give it some time. You will eventually find what you are looking for.

Mike

[PA_RACERS]

You can never be to picky. This couple doesn't sound like they are ready for swinging. Hubby and I have never fought after an encounter with another couple. We did set new boundries after our first couple. I think that is something normal. We still after 2 years changes the boundries from time to time. It is all in the communication. When it comes to other couples, it is very important to feel comfortable with them. If one of us is not totally comfortable we turn the couple down. Being picky in the lifestyle is important in my opinion.

[danc694u]

We agree with all of the above.

Being picky is part of normal life. No need to toss it aside just because you're swinging. Finding a 100% match is totally impossible. But, we try!

Make a list of things that you find to be unacceptable. Then use it as a guidelne only. You can discuss changes anytime.

We've done things that we both said we wouldn't. Regretted a couple of them, enjoyed a few too. But, that's part of the exploring & learning process, and it's all about what you are comfortable with.

[TNT]

I fully agree with all the other posts. It seems that you are having second thoughts about this couple and that is okay.

NEVER, NEVER, do anything that you are uncomfortable with in anyway. If it dosen't feel right, then it probaly isn't.

However, don't get discouraged. It takes time and patience to find the right couple, but well worth it when you do.

Good luck,
Teresa

[invictus]

Sara,
All the above is true however, I think everyone must be willing to explore a little out of their comfort zone or they will never try anything new. Having said that, please note that I said "a little". Never be afraid to say NO if you are not comfortable.
The best thing you may have learned from this couple is the need to communicate clearly what you will or will not do. This may not be the right couple for you. Be glad you found out now instead of when everyone was together and excited.
Your expressed desires match pretty closely with our likes. There are plenty of other similar people out there. Be as picky as you like and you will still find the right ones. But also remember that all people are different. Like some sage once said, "if two people are truly just alike, then one of them is unnecesary".

M&J

[Atlanta43]

Wow!! I'd say..STAY AWAY FROM THEM!!! hehhehe...it doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun to be with these people. I mean, I can't imagine enjoying something when I know that at the end of the fun, its just a fight waiting to happen...

But yes, MANY people look for couples (like us..and others on here for that matter!!). Sometimes too (and this seems to be fine) some people have agreements where one night one guy gets two women and another night the other guy gets two women. This is really pretty fair for everyone involved, if you want to do that sort of thing. But keep in mind that all parties involved must stick to their end of the bargain.

In short, its YOUR fun...you can never be anything less than honest with you mate and the people you are with. Its ok to set rules and boundaries. Remember, this isn't something for everyone :-)...

[Us]

You can never be too picky!! This is your erotic life and YOU control it! Swinging is supposed to be fun and living out fantasies...don't take anything less! If you want your boyfriend to be active in this with you... do it!! There are plenty of people willing to do what you are looking for...just look..go to clubs..place ads! GOOD LUCK!

[Sara]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts!

I didn't mean to badmouth the couple -- I mean, I'd think disagreements might happen in the beginning when you are setting the boundaries...

And yes invictus, I agree we should be willing to explore a little *out* of our boundaries! Then, the whole swinging thing is a little out of the boundaries I set for myself years ago... Now, I guess, approaching thirty and being with the right man, I am ready for it. There are certain things I'd never do (unsafe sex) but, I know that sometimes, in a certain situation, you may feel more comfortable doing something that previously felt weird.

But I also feel protective of my boyfriend. I am kind of disappointed that so many couples just want a pretty girl to play with them. I feel like if they just saw my bf, he's so handsome, they'd WANT him around, too!

Anyway, I suppose it's hard enough finding one person to date... never mind having four people all agree on each other!!

[youngswingers]

There is a fine line between being picky and nitpicking for excuses. We can tell you guys how many times when we just started that we nixed couples that, at first where fine, but later on one thing or another would cause us to back off. At first we though that we were just being picky but then we realized that we were just finding excuses not to make the "big leap". Couples that we were attracted to suddenly weren't that hot. Since then we still are very selective but we understand that if we set our own rules and are firm then we are always going to have a great time. And just a little story about the power of the mind... one of the couples we backed out on for not being a "perfect match" turned out to be one of our best "swing" friends now.

In this message board we are always extoling the virtues of softswing. For onething it is very mff friendly. The way we handle this is that we say anything goes except swapping. That way we get to play f/f but also get mff interactions. Having had a mff we can say that we kinda like mfmf betterbecause noone is ever left out. Even when the ladies are doing there own thing the guys are both watching (it keeps them from feeling like the have to join in). Good luck and happy swinging!

[ 01-18-2002: Message edited by: youngswingers ]

[invictus]

"we are always extoling the virtues of softswing. For onething it is very mff friendly. The way we handle this is that we say anything goes except swapping. That way we get to play f/f but also get mff interactions. Having had a mff we can say that we kinda like mfmf betterbecause noone is ever left out. Even when the ladies are doing there own thing they guys are both watching"

DITTO!!

M&J

[Soscol]

Actually, you are being too picky. If you are looking for the perfect couple, you will never meet them. At the same time, don't settle for just anyone! Not wanting to kiss is not a big deal. Most couples go into-it with no intercourse planned and before you know it, surprise! It's inside. When things get hot, there's little control. We have our own rules also. Some of these rules we don't bend, others we make exceptions if they're not crucial. Don't be like us. We kept procastinating and 7 years went by. Now we wish we hadn't waited so long! Best wishes.

[Stratecpl]

Originally posted by Soscol:
If you are looking for the perfect couple, you will never meet them.

This is true.....I think everyone's "Perfect Couple" is actually clones of themselves. Which don't exsist. Do they?

Connie

[4sum]

We once went out to dinner with a couple that was supposedly "interested" in swinging for the first time. We had a great time with each other (just dinner and conversation) and really seemed to click on several levels.

Well, that was that...we heard from them a couple days later saying that although they really liked us, they didn't want to play with us. Now most of the time when that happens, we don't take it personally. But this was strange since everything seemed good. The bottom line was that they couldn't explain why they didn't want to swing, it wasn't a reason as much as a feeling.

Well a couple years later they're still "looking". We've found this to be pretty commonplace unfortunately. That's why I always stress knowing what you want to end up with BEFORE you start looking. Just discussing where you want to end up will give you a greater opportunity to communicate between the two of you, and that's never a bad thing.

Good Luck!