How do we get past the shyness?

[ILoveGreenEyez]

we are new to this also. How do you get over the shyness? we have been married since we were 17( and now are 32/31) so we have been only with each other for over 16 years.. I have had kids and no longer look like my 17 year old body, I am terrified that i will engage some other man,and then find out he isn't turned on by me. Help!! give me some of your first experience's to help me understand hpw to move forward with the swinging life style.

[lustylearning]

Wow!! I'm surprised this hasn't gotten a response yet. Must be the holiday season

When we started, we were both nervous and shy. Our first lifestyle activity was a hotel club event. In that first evening we met a variety of people - older, younger, larger, smaller, less attractive, more attractive than us, etc., but there was one near universal. They were friendly, and when you're new, there are going to be people who will be willing to help you get acclimated.

Ending up in a situation in which you're engaging a man who isn't turned on by you is, I suspect, not as much of a likelihood as you think it might be. There are subtle signals in conversation, body language, word choices, etc. that will tip you off quickly about whether or not there is a potential beyond polite conversation. And although you've been married since the age of 17, you've still picked up these signals over the years, even if you haven't acted on them.

If your early experiences are anything like ours were, you'll learn that you're more attractive than you believed you were.

Check out some of the forum topics on getting started. Relax. Have fun. Don't jump in with expectations. Just enjoy...

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board ILoveGreenEyez

Where are you two at as far as meeting people ?

Have you been to any meetings with others this far ?

I know we supported each other immensely in the beginning..... We still do that now also.

Do you trust each others opinions ?

[screaminggood]

My trick is to start flirting with my husband on the dance floor and then naturally extend those flirtacious smiles to the other people on the dance floor. The people who smile back and linger...are the possibilities. It develops from there....

[IvoryTowers]

Just go for it! The easiest way to get past the shyness is to jump in with both feet so you're so busy that you can't think!

A couple of other ideas:

Do you really know any ANY men who, when faced with the chance to have sex, would say "nope, you don't look like a 17 year old model so I'm not turned on"? I mean, just think about that!


Women have the advantage of sexy lingerie, which can cover many perceived sins. I like to wear corsets an stockings, partly because they hide my stomach and partly cause they drive the men wild.

Look at the pictures on Swing Lifestyle. REAL people swing, not just models. We come in all shapes and sizes!

Good luck. It's worth breaking past the shyness barrier.

[VANudistcpl]

Being ones that are not exactly Ken and Barbie we went through some of the same feelings. We spent a lot of time talking to each other and then when we meet someone it is in an atomsphere that we are comfortable with. If there is chemistry then we take the next steps. When we decided to attend a local club it was even a bigger help in relieving the nerves. The club was fantastic because it showed the Ms. that not everyone in the lifestyle is a model and she still can turn a number of heads when she wants.

It was worth it to break past the nerves and shyness!!

[spamcatcher]

We're an older couple who are both far from svelte and "in-shape". We don't go to clubs, because we're heard that they're often populated by younger people looking for younger people. Obviously, there will be exceptions, but we're just not club people, anyway. We prefer small parties where most of those attending have already met.

In the beginning of our adventure, we joined Swing Lifestyle, which was mentioned in the previous post. That's enabled us to contact and be contacted by others in our approximate age range, and we can exchange pictures before deciding to even meet for coffee or dinner, let alone sex play.

Often the pictures are deceptive, so we don't go by them alone, and hope that others don't, either. I don't mean that they're designed to mislead -- some people just look better in-person than in a photo. And vice-versa. The pictures just do a rough screening for us. We're more interested in personality traits and intelligence than supermodel appearance, but if I remind a prospective playmate of her dad, it's probably not gonna happen, and that's understandable.

After we've met and decided whether or not there's a connection, we'll set up a subsequent playdate, where we know going in that there's an interest in us! So there's no reason to be shy! I kid my shy and insecure wife about often being the first one out of her clothes. You may find yourself to be the same way!

[iapr]

It's ok to be shy. Everyone functions at a different level of social ease. You don't have to be real outgoing or be a social butterfly. In fact many times social butterflies are too busy fluttering around to actually make any meaningfull connection with anyone and end up being bugs rather than actually playing.

What you do have to do is to engage someone and show an interest. If you can do that then you can make a connection but if you are so paralyzed by discomfort that can't engage someone in converstation or relay to them in some manner that you are interested then you may have problems.

As far as men not being turned on by you, that is an irrational fear caused by watching too much TV, looking at too many fashion magazines and watching too much porn. Men get turned on by women that can engage them in meaningfull conversation and show a sexual interest in them pretty much regardless of what kind of self-percieved physical flaws they think they have.

The real problem you will find when you get to the club is you will not find most of the men attractive. You will have a much greater hardship finding men that you will have as opposed to men that are not attracted to you.

[2inSanDiego4u]

Originally Posted by iapr

You don't have to be real outgoing or be a social butterfly.

But, you do have to put yourself out there a bit. If you sit in a corner quietly watching and don't talk to anyone, you will probably not be successful at swinging. Having the right attitude and being somewhat social will help you immensely. We have heard from many new people who come out to events and are introduced to people, then they complain about never being able to hook up. Usually it is because they just say "nice to meet you" then go sit down somewhere and have no more interaction with whoever they just met. Just some food for thought.

[strathmore]

Originally Posted by ILoveGreenEyez

we are new to this also. How do you get over the shyness? we have been married since we were 17( and now are 32/31) so we have been only with each other for over 16 years.. I have had kids and no longer look like my 17 year old body, I am terrified that i will engage some other man,and then find out he isn't turned on by me. Help!! give me some of your first experience's to help me understand hpw to move forward with the swinging life style.

First the body image thing: Ain't none of us perfect, as you will find out. When you make contact with someone, be very frank and honest in your description and pics. This will weed out the ones who have superficial 'standards'.

Second the shyness/nervousness thing: It is quite normal, as others have said, to be nervous or anxious the first time swinging, or the first time with a new couple even for the experienced folks — a natural human fear of the unknown. My approach is to make sure there is plenty of communication, both online and by phone, up front and exchange of pics to make sure everyone has compatible expectations.

Even taking these steps there are still butterflies as you approach the door or wait for your guests, but in my experience, that all dissipates in the first five minutes after meeting. Hormones take over and perceived rational standards take a back seat.

Good luck and have fun.