Differing Comfort Levels Within Couple

OzSeeker · 01-13-2003, 04:26 PM

Can a couple who really love each other make it together if they are into swinging at different levels? My mate loves it. I enjoy the monthly socials, but don't always have an interest in partying afterwards. I am quite content to return to the room and watch TV or sleep and let him go off to party. He, however, gets very upset with me and doesn't understand. I do not want to party just to make him happy. If I am going to party with someone, it should be because I want to, not because I have to. Am I being too selfish? Can we make it work?

J & K · 01-13-2003, 05:14 PM

Well---it sounds like you two really need to work on the relationship before you want to party with other cpls. Don't do it for him, but for eachother. It has to be agreed on to be a joint effort to have fun---not just one. Talk this one out. If he gets mad because you don't want to play---then he shouldn't play either.

If my wife says she want to go back to the room then I go with her---even if she said me to stay to have fun. No way!!!! If one don't play then the other shouldn't either, but heck---it is your rules you make and not mine for you both.

Also---sounds like you need some soul searching to find your place in things in the lifestyle. What do you want??? If you know what you want out of it then have "The Talk".

Best of Luck for you two!!!

Tanman aka Mike and Marie · 01-13-2003, 05:22 PM

Maybe you haven't found someone who really interests you yet? I think your mate should try and understand this and just go back to the room when you want to.

I'm sure when you see someone that really interests you , you will want to party.

OhioCouple · 01-13-2003, 05:38 PM

I have to fully agree with J&K. We will not do anything that "BOTH" of us are not comfortable doing. If one of us is ready to go, we both go, there is no question or being upset with the other about it. Neither of us would stay just because the other says it is okay.

Talk with your husband about this. You really do need to work on a compromise of some sort that makes you both happy and fulfills each of your desires.

If you are getting upset with each other it is not a good sign and it is a sign that you both need to pay attention to.

Lori

Flori_DAMAN · 01-13-2003, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by OzSeeker
Can a couple who really love each other make it together if they are into swinging at different levels?

Anything is possible.

My mate loves it. I enjoy the monthly socials, but don't always have an interest in partying afterwards. I am quite content to return to the room and watch TV or sleep and let him go off to party.

Now thats OK.

He, however, gets very upset with me and doesn't understand.

That doesn't register. He should not get upset. If he wants to do his thing and you are happy he should go with it. Would he be happy if you were upset?

I do not want to party just to make him happy. If I am going to party with someone, it should be because I want to, not because I have to. Am I being too selfish? Can we make it work?

Only if there is no one upset. He demands that you do what he does. This smacks of a controlling relationship. Just let him read the comments to your post. He should not demand you to enjoy his activities anymore than you should demand that he watch TV.

You don't have to do the exact same things but one should not feel obliged to do what the other does. John.

***JustAskJulie*** · 01-13-2003, 11:57 PM

The question I have is how do you feel about him going off and playing without you? If you are totally ok with sitting in the room watching tv while he is off playing then there's no problem. But at the same time, if he's not comfortable playing without you then you need to find a median somewhere. You need to sit down together and discuss your feelings and find mutual grounds where you can both be happy.

Handyman69 · 01-14-2003, 09:40 PM

Well, I have to agree with Julie on this. Need to really talk things over. My hubby and I have been very honest with each other and I feel we need to be. If both aren't happy, then we need to correct the problem. I don't want it to grow into a bigger problem later on.

Need to meet in the middle and see what happens.

Rhonda

Gwendolyn · 01-15-2003, 01:20 AM

When my husband and I got into this there was one basic rule that we made that hasn't been broken. We only play if both of us are involved. The way that we look at things is simple. It is a mutual enjoyable situation. We would be perfectly happy only having sex with each other for the rest of our lives. However we like seeing each other get whatever kind of enjoyment we can.

Your husband probably doesn't feel comfortable playing without you. The one time we flat said we would not play with another couple was when they wanted to be in separate rooms. For most couples I have met that's not what it's about. It's about enjoying new experiences together. I think the two of you need to figure out what level you need to be at so you are both comfortable and enjoying yourselves.

**Alura** · 01-15-2003, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by BostonDLT
Hi there!
I wonder if you'd mind if I ask a couple of questions?

S

You sure ask a lot of questions for someone who didn't fill out his/her profile, S. C'mon, tell us more about yourself. We'll be discreet!

Mr. Alura

**Alura** · 01-15-2003, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BostonDLT
When will you get to the part where you describe the 'style?" :p

SAS

All right, I'm just a hick Okie, and I often don't understand things, but I have no idea what you're talking about, S. Describe the "style"? I'll try to get to it as soon as I know what it is. The lifestyle? Hmmmm. No... the Turnst(y)le? Hairstyle?

Mr. Alura

**Alura** · 01-15-2003, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BostonDLT
Despite the fact that your profile is nothing to brag about, I'll provide some info...because I'M a giver! What would you like to know? Work? yes Sex? yes Age? ing

Discreet S

Okay, maybe I'll work on our profile. Next week when I get back from Big D. Status! That's what I want to know. Couple? Single? Single married honest cheater? I just want to know who I'm bantering with which, btw, I'm enjoying a lot!

Mr. Alura

OzSeeker · 01-16-2003, 05:21 AM

I'm so glad you two (Alura & Boston) are getting along so well. LOL Now, let me give a little more information and an update. My mate and I are not married, and we've been together just a little under a year. The reason we're in such different places is that he has been involved in the lifestyle for years, and I had only been in it for several months before I met him (with a previous boyfriend.) I know someone mentioned that it sounded like he was controlling, but he is not. We never agreed to only party together, although we will when the circumstances are right. I knew that wouldn't be fair to him since I'm not into this as heavily as he is, and I'm perfectly fine with that. As for our ages..... well, we are both rapidly approaching BIG birthdays!

The update: we had a nice long talk since I posted this. I think we have a much better understanding of each other now, but we still have a lot of work to do. That's true of any relationship. The most important thing is we will keep communicating. I'll keep you posted!

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01-13-2003, 04:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
OzSeeker Registered Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 3 Location: St. Louis, MO Status: Couple	Differing Comfort Levels Within Couple Can a couple who really love each other make it together if they are into swinging at different levels? My mate loves it. I enjoy the monthly socials, but don't always have an interest in partying afterwards. I am quite content to return to the room and watch TV or sleep and let him go off to party. He, however, gets very upset with me and doesn't understand. I do not want to party just to make him happy. If I am going to party with someone, it should be because I want to, not because I have to. Am I being too selfish? Can we make it work?

01-13-2003, 05:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	I have to fully agree with J&K. We will not do anything that "BOTH" of us are not comfortable doing. If one of us is ready to go, we both go, there is no question or being upset with the other about it. Neither of us would stay just because the other says it is okay. Talk with your husband about this. You really do need to work on a compromise of some sort that makes you both happy and fulfills each of your desires. If you are getting upset with each other it is not a good sign and it is a sign that you both need to pay attention to. Lori
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

01-13-2003, 11:57 PM	#6 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,287 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	The question I have is how do you feel about him going off and playing without you? If you are totally ok with sitting in the room watching tv while he is off playing then there's no problem. But at the same time, if he's not comfortable playing without you then you need to find a median somewhere. You need to sit down together and discuss your feelings and find mutual grounds where you can both be happy.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

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01-13-2003, 05:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
J & K Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 192 Location: Middle GA Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:OKC_CPL	Well---it sounds like you two really need to work on the relationship before you want to party with other cpls. Don't do it for him, but for eachother. It has to be agreed on to be a joint effort to have fun---not just one. Talk this one out. If he gets mad because you don't want to play---then he shouldn't play either. If my wife says she want to go back to the room then I go with her---even if she said me to stay to have fun. No way!!!! If one don't play then the other shouldn't either, but heck---it is your rules you make and not mine for you both. Also---sounds like you need some soul searching to find your place in things in the lifestyle. What do you want??? If you know what you want out of it then have "The Talk". Best of Luck for you two!!!

01-13-2003, 05:22 PM	#3 (permalink)
Tanman aka Mike and Marie Looking for new friends Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 207 Location: Northern MI Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:Mike_n_Marie	Maybe you haven't found someone who really interests you yet? I think your mate should try and understand this and just go back to the room when you want to. I'm sure when you see someone that really interests you , you will want to party.

01-14-2003, 09:40 PM	#7 (permalink)
Handyman69 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 553 Location: MI..God's country.so we thought. Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:handyman69	Well, I have to agree with Julie on this. Need to really talk things over. My hubby and I have been very honest with each other and I feel we need to be. If both aren't happy, then we need to correct the problem. I don't want it to grow into a bigger problem later on. Need to meet in the middle and see what happens. Rhonda

01-15-2003, 01:20 AM	#8 (permalink)
Gwendolyn Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 50 Location: Las Vegas Status: M. Female	When my husband and I got into this there was one basic rule that we made that hasn't been broken. We only play if both of us are involved. The way that we look at things is simple. It is a mutual enjoyable situation. We would be perfectly happy only having sex with each other for the rest of our lives. However we like seeing each other get whatever kind of enjoyment we can. Your husband probably doesn't feel comfortable playing without you. The one time we flat said we would not play with another couple was when they wanted to be in separate rooms. For most couples I have met that's not what it's about. It's about enjoying new experiences together. I think the two of you need to figure out what level you need to be at so you are both comfortable and enjoying yourselves.

01-16-2003, 05:21 AM	#12 (permalink)
OzSeeker Registered Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 3 Location: St. Louis, MO Status: Couple	I'm so glad you two (Alura & Boston) are getting along so well. LOL Now, let me give a little more information and an update. My mate and I are not married, and we've been together just a little under a year. The reason we're in such different places is that he has been involved in the lifestyle for years, and I had only been in it for several months before I met him (with a previous boyfriend.) I know someone mentioned that it sounded like he was controlling, but he is not. We never agreed to only party together, although we will when the circumstances are right. I knew that wouldn't be fair to him since I'm not into this as heavily as he is, and I'm perfectly fine with that. As for our ages..... well, we are both rapidly approaching BIG birthdays! The update: we had a nice long talk since I posted this. I think we have a much better understanding of each other now, but we still have a lot of work to do. That's true of any relationship. The most important thing is we will keep communicating. I'll keep you posted!

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