Starting swinging again with a new partner feels different

[candsinmadtown]

Scott and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and have been talking about our interest in this lifestyle since almost the beginning of our relationship. We have a great relationship, we are always having fun...we can and have talked openly about this for months, and it is something that we both want to do.

I had participated in the lifestyle during my marriage. It was a blast, we had a great time and met a lot of very nice people. I had no doubts or hesitations at all then.

So, now...I am still very interested in pursuing this with Scott, however, i am having a hard time getting over the initial bumps (what will i think or react when i see him with another woman). I know that the first time is always a little weird, but that goes away. This seems to be a little different than that.

I am interested in knowing if any other women have felt this way initially, and if so, how they were able to get past it.

[njcpl85]

Honestly it is a bit weird to see you husband or bf with another woman for the first time. For me it was actually very hot seeing him pleasure another woman. I was also involved in the play so we were both in the heat of it together and it was something we shared and until today still talk about. Gets us very worked up! facelick lol

As long as both of you are in agreement with the whole swing thing and you feel your relationship has a strong foundation the bumps or uneasiness you are feeling will hopefully disappear once you get started.

Good Luck!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by candsinmadtown

So, now...I am still very interested in pursuing this with Scott, however, i am having a hard time getting over the initial bumps (what will i think or react when i see him with another woman). I know that the first time is always a little weird, but that goes away. This seems to be a little different than that.

Different in what way? What are you feeling that's different from the initial reaction/thought of seeing him the first time with another woman?

It's interesting because you were a swinger in the past in a former marriage. Are you feeling differently about swinging with Scott than you felt about swinging with your former husband?

[candsinmadtown]

Well, when i met my x-husband, i was young, and i (as silly as this sounds) mistook an incredibly good friendship for love. So, when my x and i did this, yes, we were married, but it was more like going with a best friend than with the person that i love on a way different level. It never bothered me, ever, to see him with another woman, i encouraged it.

[Tybee Swing]

I think it's totally normal for us to wonder what we'll think & feel, and how we'll react, when we first see our beloved with another lover.

Originally Posted by candsinmadtown

I am interested in knowing if any other women have felt this way initially, and if so, how they were able to get past it.

My husband felt the same way and had the same concerns. Above all, we didn't want to mess up or hurt what we have together. I got an idea of us going to strip clubs together, so see what that felt like (we'd never done that). We did, and it was an interesting experience. I discovered through our interactions (especially a private dance that got very provocative) that I was very turned-on being in a sexual situation with him and another woman. That was the first step for us. The next step was gradually getting to know some couples until we found some people we feld comfortable with and just took it gradually from there. We both agreed that if anything felt wrong or weird to either of us, we'd quit. This gave us the freedom of no-pressure from either of us.

[candsinmadtown]

I kind of had a similar idea also, only instead of going to a strip club, that i sit in on a "cybersex" chat with he and another woman. We unfortunatly have tried this several times, but have had very little luck finding a partner online that was either legal age, or that wasn't too busy with 10 other people (makes it very hard to follow and be patient). Maybe we will try again tonight.

We have gone to a local party and tried to mingle with other couples also, but that club has now changed to an onpremise club. Not sure what to think about going to one of those yet...seems like a big step. Have you had any experience with that in your early times?

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by candsinmadtown

I kind of had a similar idea also, only instead of going to a strip club, that i sit in on a "cybersex" chat with he and another woman.

Would it be the two of you talking to this woman, or more like you watching him talk to her? This woudn't work for me at all to get a feeling of what swinging would be like. Maybe if you join a swingers' personals site where IM'ing is an option there, and try talking like that with swingers, instead of just random girls in chat rooms?

Originally Posted by candsinmadtown

I We have gone to a local party and tried to mingle with other couples also, but that club has now changed to an onpremise club. Not sure what to think about going to one of those yet...seems like a big step. Have you had any experience with that in your early times?

We went to an off-premise club together in our early times, but only because it was the nearest thing like that to us, and even that was out of state. If we had an on-premise club near us that was well-run and had the kind of rules we prefer, we'd have enjoyed visiting that even before we played with others the first time. (Rules we like: members only, no means no, new members have an orientation to get these things straight, there are separate areas for socializing and getting sexual, no cameras or cell phones allowed, etc.)

After we were already somewhat active in the lifestyle but still fairly new, we visited an on-premise club out of town. Very neat experience! Friendly people, well run. You can enjoy the free and open feeling at a good on-premise club without being pressured to swing with others. You could even just play as a couple there, if you like. It's a great way to get started. Even in an on-premise club, you can mingle and get to know people without having sex with them.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by candsinmadtown

We have gone to a local party and tried to mingle with other couples also, but that club has now changed to an onpremise club. Not sure what to think about going to one of those yet...seems like a big step. Have you had any experience with that in your early times?

Personally I don't know about the cybering idea. Don't think it would give you a realistic POV. I mean, you've already swung before. And I can associate with your summarization of it being more like going with a friend rather than a lover. My ex-husband and I considered trying to swing...but by the time that came along we were more like friends/roommates rather than romantically entangled. *lol*

There are times I have trouble wrapping my mind around seeing my BF do things with other women. I don't mind him doing it, I just don't want to watch him do it if that makes sense. Just not much of a voyuer as far as that is concerned.

To get to my point, the club we go to is on premise. We have yet to play with any other couples (we've taken advantage of the facilities, just with each other)...but the social aspect of it is great. No one says that you have to go there and have sex with someone else if that isn't on your agenda that night. The atmosphere is good, at the very least it gives y'all an outlet to be watched or be near other couples having sex while you are (the club we go to has a couple of smaller private type play rooms and one larger play area with a couple of couches, a platform, and a hammock), or play out some fantasies (ours has a 'dungeon room' with a swing, a 'classroom', the 'jungle room' is the large play area and they have a mardi gras themed 'porch' area where you can flash people or just play up on that upper level).

To quote one of the books I'm reading on the topic now, the club experience is what you make of it.

HTH,

Maria

[candsinmadtown]

yeah, i don't mind the thought of him doing it so much, but i really am not sure that i want to see it.

The On Premise clubs seem to be the way to go from what i am reading. Can anyone give me some ideas of what to expect when we go? What makes a club stand out from the rest? What should we look for when making a choice?

Not that we are sure we wiill do it...but I am very open to idea of "getting our feet wet", or other things ...without totally taking the plunge

I also just want to say thanks for the replies I am getting. What a great group of very helpful people.

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by candsinmadtown

The On Premise clubs seem to be the way to go from what i am reading. Can anyone give me some ideas of what to expect when we go? What makes a club stand out from the rest? What should we look for when making a choice?

Clubs are as varied as the people who frequent them.
I have been to one what was beautiful inside, like being in a spa. Everyone was dressed right up(or naked, as one woman was)and the point was mostly see and be seen.I went to another one that was more bar like with less "open" sexuality. This one was more of a come as you are feel. A cheers feel, you know, "everyone knows your name". It was mine and Dogs first time there and we knew most everyone by the time we left. That one was my favorit.
It comes down to what kind of people are you? Dog and I are laid back, down to earth people. We don't put on a show for people. We enjoy a good joke and funny people. So a social pub is what we enjoy, not so much the dance club setting.
I would check out a few clubs and see what works best for you. You will likely need to contact the club through the internet and make a "reservation". Let them know you are first timers. They will (hopefully) take good care of you.
Best wishes and have fun
Your friend,
Prettylady

[candsinmadtown]

Maybe we will/should give that Off/On Premise club another try. When we found out that they were basically going to on premise, it kind of scared us away a bit...i think they do have some just "meet n greet" areas that is off limits for play.

I think what bothered me most about that club, was that the hosts didn't even introduce them selves throughout the entire night...we found a source of some great info, but i thought it was a little on the lame side that they didn't introduce themselves, or introduce us to others. Is this normal? should we NOT have been bothered by that? We are a little on the he shy side...but a lot of fun when we get warmed up.

-C

[blondie77]

I can't offer any help in regards to the clubs as we've never been to any, but I know what you mean about feeling unsure about watching your spouse or BF with another woman. It is strange at first (at least it was for me). It took some getting used to. The first time we were with another woman, I was totally unprepared to see him kissing her. Strangly enough, it was the kissing that bothered me the most. We talked through it and we agreed to just take it slow. We came up with a little signal that I could give him if I started feeling a little strange about what I was seeing. He would then slow it down and give me some reassurance until I felt I wanted to proceed. Now, I have absolutely no jealousy issues or problems seeing him with another woman. For me, it was a trust issue, and after realizing that he wasn't going anywhere I could finally relax and just have fun. I don't know if this will help you or not, but my only point is that it is totally normal I think to have these feelings, and that more often than not it's just something you can work through as a couple. It may take time and lot's of conversations, but if this is truly the lifestyle you want, then I think this is something you can overcome. Good luck.