Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse - Page 2

Mrs.PaganLovers · 10-07-2006, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thrax

ANOTHER introvert here!

I can usually hold a conversation pretty well if the other folks ask a few questions

Thrax

Thrax, I hate that we didn't get to spend anytime talking with you Friday evening, we were at the other end of the table and except LOL-OMG didn't know anyone. And then you weren't there for the rest of the weekend. You missed a lot of fun. Soooo ....it was nice to meet you

**Alura** · 10-07-2006, 12:41 PM

This has been Mrs. Alura's biggest complaint about swinging: Particularly, men who don't/can't talk. The sex may be very good but after it's over, there's nothing to do.

I do agree with Thrax, that asking questions instead of relating stories of your own life, can often get a more introverted person talking.

For my part, I find it irksome when a couple we've just met will avoid answering questions, citing "discretion." Bullshit! We're all in this together! If a couple is not willing to share thoughts, we're not going to waste time trying to build a communicative friendship.

Speaking of Bullshit, that's another of my communication pet peeves. We always try to meet folks in person who are interested in coming to our Meet Ups! here in Tulsa before we give them the information. We once met a husband and wife, (who turned out not to be married), for coffee, and who (at first) spoke at length about how they just wanted to meet interesting people who swing with no expectation of sex. After all the b.s. came out, we decided we weren't compatible and gently told them we'd like to be friends but that sex probably wasn't in the cards for us. Suddenly, they weren't interested in being friends without benefits. We never saw them again. They did not attend the Meet Up!

Mr. Alura

northindycpl · 10-07-2006, 12:55 PM

Shoot... I think this is just part of meeting people- swingers or not. I meet lots of people in and out of the lifestyle that have a difficult time carrying on conversations.

I understanding having moments where you are shy and don't want to talk. But I do get irritated always being the extrovert and always asking the questions.

Years ago I moderated a Toastmasters group... Which was a huge learning experience in speaking to the public and meeting new people, although for work.

It seems to me that if you are going to learn attributes about swinging so that you can improve in areas that you are challenged- such as taking dance classes- then one could in other areas, like conversation and etiquette, too.

Just my $.02.

Tybee Swing · 10-07-2006, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by avgcpl4u

Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse

Hi, have you ever met with a new couple (first time meet with them) for drinks/dinner and you ended up doing all the talking and conversing cause they did not talk much or at all? It kinda gave us the impression they were'nt very interested in us since they were really quiet. Or maybe that was just their personality?

Yes, a couple of times. We've noticed that with the majority of couples, one is the more outgoing one and the other is quieter. It seems to be the natural way that many couples pair up!

That's fine, as long as the quieter one will eventually warm up and open up more during the evening (more relaxed, more talking, laughing, smiling). It might take the quieter one 30 minutes to a couple of hours to warm up, and this is still fine with us. But, if the quiet one is just painfully shy to the bone and won't talk the whole evening, it's really not going to happen and we likely won't be interested enough to go out the second time.

If one is very quiet because they seem very stressed, nervous, uncomfortable, and maybe even there under duress (pressure to try the lifestyle, etc), we can tell. Of course, the one under pressure is likely to be the woman in these cases. We definitely won't meet that couple again. If they're not both there because they're sure they want to be, we don't want to be there, either!

Tybee Swing · 10-07-2006, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pumpkins1970

We once met a couple where Mrs. Pumpkin and I carried the conversation 90% of the time we sat with them. The other F talked a bit, but all the other male did was stare at my wife's breasts. Needless to say, we walked away from that meeting thinking "That's 60 minutes of our lives we'll never get back"

Hi Pumpkins, I laughed out loud about the speechless, staring, boobie-hypnotized husband. I know it wasn't funny at the time to you two, though!

Mr. Truelove · 10-07-2006, 01:12 PM

As long as we are throwing our labels of introverts and extroverts, I'd like to make a point about it.

You can go further and say when thrown in with extroverts some introverts will not say anything, and some will force themselves to talk, even if i's just a little. And of course there are the extroverts that don't attempt to ask those open ended questions that get people talking, and then those that do. Like, "So what do you like about swinging." or "What got you thinking about swinging." I had that one popped on me a few times at the last meet-up and it really helps. I recognized it as an opener and tried to take off with it.

No matter which group you are in, I think as long as you make some sort of effort at making the conversation work, you should be able to as long as both parties are trying.

I, being the introvert, have actually had to carry conversations before. And I hate it when that happens, but I can make it work. Conversation is an art form in and of itself.

Mr. Truelove

Thrax · 10-09-2006, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.PaganLovers

Thrax, I hate that we didn't get to spend anytime talking with you Friday evening, we were at the other end of the table and except LOL-OMG didn't know anyone. And then you weren't there for the rest of the weekend. You missed a lot of fun. Soooo ....it was nice to meet you

Sorry I missed your post earlier. I just now found it.

Yeah, I feel the same way. I realize we just had the last-minute awkward (for me, Mr. Introvert, anyway) sort of nice-to-meet-you-goodbye greeting right before I hit the road. (Although I do remember you sticking your finger in my water glass and then...elsewhere.

Imagine if I'd tried that...

)

Regardless, hope to see you two at DJ's, a Cleveland meet-up, or at some other venue.

Take care,
Thrax

ohash01 · 10-09-2006, 07:47 PM

We have yet to run into this problem...probably partially because we're so new. We've had one single M and one couple over so far and both sets of conversations were absolutely wonderful!

The F in the couple and I are so much alike that it's frightening. We could sit there and yap and yap and yap...I honestly feel sorry for the men.

Hm...that's a question I'd like answered...do any of you guys ever just feel "bulldozed" by the women? Haha.

riswingcpl · 10-09-2006, 08:23 PM

As G likes to say, I can make conversation with a tree, so that isn't a problem for me. But the "halfway" point is soooo true. I don't want to be the only one talking, we both want to have an engaging conversation with our swingfriends. If we don't get that, odds are we won't be very interested in those folks.

We also like to talk about things other than swinging/sex when we meet. We'll probably find ourselves bored if that's ALL you can talk about. Sexy, flirtatious talk is fun and gets the juices flowing, but if you can't carry on a conversation about anything else...anything...that turns us off. We don't pretend to be MENSA members, but we like a little intellectual stimulation to go with the physical stimulation!!

Pepper & Drew · 10-09-2006, 08:32 PM

Since Drew and I are both talkers, this hasn't happened to us much, but there was one couple that I would have nawed my arm off in order to get away. This couple wrote us for about a year, and we finally said that we'd be glad to meet them for drinks. So, we met them, and.....it was the most painful conversation I have ever had in my entire life! After the whole tell us about yourselves stuff was out of the way, we sat there, blinking at each other.

If I have nothing to say to you with my clothes on, there's probably not going to be much in common with our clothes off.

Pepper

NJCouple · 10-09-2006, 09:33 PM

My husband is a great conversationalist, but has yet to learn how to flirt. We went to a house party the other night and I had to force him to give the hostess flowers. I'd swear that he was blushing. He never had to learn to flirt with me. We were good friends for years before dating and marrying and have been married 25 years. I know when he is interested in the other woman, but I'm not sure if they always know. LOL. We only started swinging in July and have had a few experiences so I expect he'll learn and get more comfortable with it. I can usually hold a conversation as well, but if the man makes me very hot, I become incoherent. LOL.
In general though, we really enjoy meeting people even if we decide not to play. We have had some really great conversations and made some great friends.
Mrs. njcouple

Mrs.PaganLovers · 10-10-2006, 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thrax

Although I do remember you sticking your finger in my water glass and then...elsewhere.

Imagine if I'd tried that...

)

Take care,
Thrax

OMG was that your water?!! I am so sorry

. Please accept my apology Thrax that was very rude of me. And it's all Mrs. LOL-OMG fault! It was her idea for the double dip (however that was kinda fun). We owe you a double dip

Amanda69 · 10-10-2006, 08:03 AM

It is interesting that we have put so much on the actual conversation here.

My first reaction was, if they aren't talking I would also put a halt to everything.

Though after a little thought though some encounters realized it is not about the talking but about the non-verbal communication.

I have nights where I sit quietly but if I am interested I can still give a look to a partner or potential partner to catch their attention and let them know things are possible. I can also behave in a manner that says while they might be doing a lot of the talking, that I am interested in what they are saying. I can make eye contact, lean forward, nod my head, (pull my top off - lol just wanted to see who was paying attention).

It is all about the interaction between the couples. If there is chemistry it can work no matter who does the majority of talking. If there isn't then no amount of conversation will save the day.

2jersey · 10-10-2006, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

If one is very quiet because they seem very stressed, nervous, uncomfortable, and maybe even there under duress (pressure to try the lifestyle, etc), we can tell. Of course, the one under pressure is likely to be the woman in these cases. We definitely won't meet that couple again. If they're not both there because they're sure they want to be, we don't want to be there, either!

We have met mostly extroverts, but we did encounter one female who was particularly shy. We may have misjudged her, but we interpreted her quietness as a sign that she was a reluctant participant. Deal breaker.

Thrax · 10-10-2006, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.PaganLovers

OMG was that your water?!! I am so sorry

. Please accept my apology Thrax that was very rude of me. And it's all Mrs. LOL-OMG fault! It was her idea for the double dip (however that was kinda fun). We owe you a double dip

Absolutely no apologies necessary.

But I'll remember the double dip promise.

Thrax

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10-07-2006, 12:41 PM	#17 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,144 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse This has been Mrs. Alura's biggest complaint about swinging: Particularly, men who don't/can't talk. The sex may be very good but after it's over, there's nothing to do. I do agree with Thrax, that asking questions instead of relating stories of your own life, can often get a more introverted person talking. For my part, I find it irksome when a couple we've just met will avoid answering questions, citing "discretion." Bullshit! We're all in this together! If a couple is not willing to share thoughts, we're not going to waste time trying to build a communicative friendship. Speaking of Bullshit, that's another of my communication pet peeves. We always try to meet folks in person who are interested in coming to our Meet Ups! here in Tulsa before we give them the information. We once met a husband and wife, (who turned out not to be married), for coffee, and who (at first) spoke at length about how they just wanted to meet interesting people who swing with no expectation of sex. After all the b.s. came out, we decided we weren't compatible and gently told them we'd like to be friends but that sex probably wasn't in the cards for us. Suddenly, they weren't interested in being friends without benefits. We never saw them again. They did not attend the Meet Up! Mr. Alura
	__________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

10-07-2006, 12:55 PM	#18 (permalink)
northindycpl Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 1,425 Location: Indiana Status: Blissfull SITCOM Swing Lifestyle Name:northindycpl	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse Shoot... I think this is just part of meeting people- swingers or not. I meet lots of people in and out of the lifestyle that have a difficult time carrying on conversations. I understanding having moments where you are shy and don't want to talk. But I do get irritated always being the extrovert and always asking the questions. Years ago I moderated a Toastmasters group... Which was a huge learning experience in speaking to the public and meeting new people, although for work. It seems to me that if you are going to learn attributes about swinging so that you can improve in areas that you are challenged- such as taking dance classes- then one could in other areas, like conversation and etiquette, too. Just my $.02.
	__________________ Mrs. Indy

10-07-2006, 01:12 PM	#21 (permalink)
Mr. Truelove Wearing a evil grin Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,198 Location: Fort Wayne Status: Married Male Swing Lifestyle Name:Thetrueloves	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse As long as we are throwing our labels of introverts and extroverts, I'd like to make a point about it. You can go further and say when thrown in with extroverts some introverts will not say anything, and some will force themselves to talk, even if i's just a little. And of course there are the extroverts that don't attempt to ask those open ended questions that get people talking, and then those that do. Like, "So what do you like about swinging." or "What got you thinking about swinging." I had that one popped on me a few times at the last meet-up and it really helps. I recognized it as an opener and tried to take off with it. No matter which group you are in, I think as long as you make some sort of effort at making the conversation work, you should be able to as long as both parties are trying. I, being the introvert, have actually had to carry conversations before. And I hate it when that happens, but I can make it work. Conversation is an art form in and of itself. Mr. Truelove
	__________________ The most fun I can never tell anyone about!

10-09-2006, 07:47 PM	#23 (permalink)
ohash01 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 535 Location: Ohio Status: Single Female	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse We have yet to run into this problem...probably partially because we're so new. We've had one single M and one couple over so far and both sets of conversations were absolutely wonderful! The F in the couple and I are so much alike that it's frightening. We could sit there and yap and yap and yap...I honestly feel sorry for the men. Hm...that's a question I'd like answered...do any of you guys ever just feel "bulldozed" by the women? Haha.

10-09-2006, 08:23 PM	#24 (permalink)
riswingcpl Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 172 Location: Rhode Island Status: couple...male half posting	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse As G likes to say, I can make conversation with a tree, so that isn't a problem for me. But the "halfway" point is soooo true. I don't want to be the only one talking, we both want to have an engaging conversation with our swingfriends. If we don't get that, odds are we won't be very interested in those folks. We also like to talk about things other than swinging/sex when we meet. We'll probably find ourselves bored if that's ALL you can talk about. Sexy, flirtatious talk is fun and gets the juices flowing, but if you can't carry on a conversation about anything else...anything...that turns us off. We don't pretend to be MENSA members, but we like a little intellectual stimulation to go with the physical stimulation!!
	__________________ An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex. - Aldous Huxley

10-09-2006, 08:32 PM	#25 (permalink)
Pepper & Drew Mmmmm...tasty! Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,035 Location: Hurricane Alley Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:alhedonists	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse Since Drew and I are both talkers, this hasn't happened to us much, but there was one couple that I would have nawed my arm off in order to get away. This couple wrote us for about a year, and we finally said that we'd be glad to meet them for drinks. So, we met them, and.....it was the most painful conversation I have ever had in my entire life! After the whole tell us about yourselves stuff was out of the way, we sat there, blinking at each other. If I have nothing to say to you with my clothes on, there's probably not going to be much in common with our clothes off. Pepper
	__________________ "Swinging is a lot like riding a Harley, ...for those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible." --Mr. Alura

10-09-2006, 09:33 PM	#26 (permalink)
NJCouple Here to Stay Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 52 Location: NJ Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:voraciousdesires	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse My husband is a great conversationalist, but has yet to learn how to flirt. We went to a house party the other night and I had to force him to give the hostess flowers. I'd swear that he was blushing. He never had to learn to flirt with me. We were good friends for years before dating and marrying and have been married 25 years. I know when he is interested in the other woman, but I'm not sure if they always know. LOL. We only started swinging in July and have had a few experiences so I expect he'll learn and get more comfortable with it. I can usually hold a conversation as well, but if the man makes me very hot, I become incoherent. LOL. In general though, we really enjoy meeting people even if we decide not to play. We have had some really great conversations and made some great friends. Mrs. njcouple

10-10-2006, 08:03 AM	#28 (permalink)
Amanda69 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 907 Location: Mississauga, ON Canada Status: couple	Re: Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse It is interesting that we have put so much on the actual conversation here. My first reaction was, if they aren't talking I would also put a halt to everything. Though after a little thought though some encounters realized it is not about the talking but about the non-verbal communication. I have nights where I sit quietly but if I am interested I can still give a look to a partner or potential partner to catch their attention and let them know things are possible. I can also behave in a manner that says while they might be doing a lot of the talking, that I am interested in what they are saying. I can make eye contact, lean forward, nod my head, (pull my top off - lol just wanted to see who was paying attention). It is all about the interaction between the couples. If there is chemistry it can work no matter who does the majority of talking. If there isn't then no amount of conversation will save the day.
	__________________ Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. "Harvey Fierstein"

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