How long is reasonable for "getting to know you" phase?

[Tybee Swing]

I know the answers to this question will be as varied as there are individuals to answer it...but still, I'd like to hear everyone's own personal barometer on this one....

You've met a couple that you're both attracted to and interested in. They've seemed very flirty, friendly and interested in you since you first met them in the club, months ago. You've talked several times at the club, danced with them, emailed off and on. Then, you connect and meet them for a "date" - then another "date". Along the way, you learn they're a "friends first" couple. More emailing ensues, with lots of innuendo and downright "I want you" comments. During the time it takes for this to transpire, you learn that they're not nearly as active or experienced in the Lifestyle (sexually) as you would have thought, given the impressions you'd gotten from them since early on, and the level of their attendance and socializing at Lifestyle functions.

You're "dating" them, they're nice, there's definitely a personality/attaction connection, but you have no idea when, or if, things will actually pan out. At what point do you wonder if they're just the playful, teasing type? Also known as, the hanging-around-the-fringes type of couple? How long are you patient (or are you) with the heavy flirting, innuendo and dating? How do you take it to the next level?

Personal experiences/stories along this line appreciated, too.

[biblonde]

Well, we like the "friend" thing but really this is about sex to us. We did the dating thing when we were younger and to us dating is to get married. To us if everyone clicks and there is chemistry then it is get nekkid time. I would get board fast if it was constant dating and nothing to show for it. If they are a little shy, maybe one or two dates beyond first meeting. After that if they arent willing to play then we move on. I have enough "friends" and being in this lifestyle we are looking to play not date. One of the reasons we try to stay back from newer couples or those that seem to have issues. We are just looking for some fun on the side.

As for how to take it to the next level...I'm pretty aggresive in that one in which I am willing to make the first move. I am Bi so I usually will ask the lady (if I like her) if I can kiss her and well things heat up quickly after that!! You may want to talk to them and find out if they are okay with taking it further. Maybe since they have less experiance than you thought they may be waiting for you to make the first move. We have been with couples though that we did alot of talking and dating with before play but they didnt stick around very long.(I lost interest and play just wasnt as fun) And we do have couples we meet in the lifestyle and are only friends with for some reason or another. It depends on what you are looking for. If you really want to play talk to them about it. If they keep putting it off maybe you should walk away or just be friends without expectations of playing.

Best of luck!! BB

[Chicup]

Two/three hours tops.

Even as newbies it only took going to dinner for us

Anyone who waits as long as you described is not ready to swing or afraid to initiate. Its time to ask 'do you want to play'.

[LOL_OMG]

This is interesting because it's happened to us recently. Attractions are there on all sides, we have had some great times together laughing and even travelling. They are not newbies, quite the contrary.

I have a feeling we've maybe gotten to know each other too well, and I realize how stupid this sounds as I'm typing it. Our bond (especially between the women) has grown into almost best friends. We've had opportunities for a full swap but it never happened.

It's come a time with these two that we will have to talk seriously and decide what we're doing here. The friends we've made, even if no sex is involved is totally worth it...but the not knowing what the exact relationship is, kind of leaves too many questions.

Mrs LOL

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by LOL_OMG

The friends we've made, even if no sex is involved is totally worth it...but the not knowing what the exact relationship is, kind of leaves too many questions.

Mrs LOL

Dito

We are fine with just being friends but if it didn't progress the 2nd time we "dated" them, we would just ask, "Are you guys interested in getting naked with us?".

"No" is totally fine. Now we know and our expectations are set. Having friends to hang out vertically can be fun too (ok, their not as fun as friends that do us, but they are fun in their own right ).

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Two/three hours tops.

Even as newbies it only took going to dinner for us

Anyone who waits as long as you described is not ready to swing or afraid to initiate. Its time to ask 'do you want to play'.

My thoughts exactly.

We always want to get to know people before jumping into bed with them, we want to feel sure there is a desired comfort level. And for us this doesn't take long. Every time we've met a new couple (that we wanted to play with) we've played on the first meet. I don't think finding friendship and sex with people are exclusive of the other nor do you have to be best friends before you first play. For us, the friendship develops after the sex and the sex then gets better.

It only takes us a few hours to know if we want to play with a couple. There is never any pressure from us or them to play, it just happens this way when everyone clicks.

Only once have I not been the initiator out of the four of us...I usually have to back the guy up against a wall and tell him I'm interested and ask him if he feels the same about me. I've always received a "yes!" I then ask him if he feels his wife is interested in my husband. He says he can tell she is. And we go from there. The heat soon rises and within the hour we're off playing.

If you come upon a couple at a club and only spend a few minutes with them each time, I can see where your approach could be slower. Even still, I think it's up to you to make your wishes known because they may be afraid too. Somebody has got to speak up.

We're not interested in time-consuming "dating," we want to make something happen. We primarily meet swingers through ad sites and we've already corresponded enough before the first date to know there is a strong interest. By the time we meet we're all excited to see each other. If it's meant to be we prefer to make sex happen sooner than later.

I do think there are many couples who are regular club goers who do little if any playing. They go for the social atmosphere. I've not had experience coming upon such situations, but I've read other forums where these types frustrate swingers. I read that the social "flirt only" couples feel they have as much right to be at the clubs as those who play. And I believe they do.

That leaves those of us who want to swing with the responsibility of asking the BIG question: "Can I play with you?"

LM

[LOL_OMG]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

"Can I play with you?" LM

Okay, fine. Reduce it down to something simple, go ahead. Sheesh.

[Dynamar]

I'm sitting here, reading this thread, and imagining some poor newbie "friends first" couple talking with each other after the shell-shock of another couple asked them "Can we play with you?"

Imagine... They wanted to have sex with us!

[WesternSwing]

I think if you are truly okay with it, you know if you are going to have sex with someone in the first 15 minutes of a "date". Doesn't mean it will happen the first time you meet, but it definitely should the second if it ever will.

I think there allot of couples that are testing the waters and finding what their boundries are but are too afraid to say it up front. We know couples that are testing the waters and they have told us up front, and that has been okay with us. We see them at parties and clubs and love to go out with them once in a while. But if time is limited then we will tend to gravitate toward sure things.

So my short answer... first date should be an option, second date definitely.

Mr. WS

[Additude]

My response to the scenerio you described is that this couple is testing the waters and using you to do so.

We have never met for the first time to just "get to know". We have always had expectations to have sex on the first meet and it has always happened that way.

We are not into dating couples, romancing them, becoming friends and the whole rest of whatevers. For us it's recreational sex. We get to know a couple on line, talk to them via phone, meet and have sex. If we click personally then we meet more than once if possible.

Honestly, we just don't have time to play the dating game. When we have one night to do it in, then we want to make the most of it.

[Amanda69]

We all have our own comfort zones when it comes to playing. There is no fast and hard rule for us. It is all about the moment. We don't always want to form a close friendship with the couple (can be too complicated) this is after all about SEX.

House parties are great as you can hook up with a couple, party and not have to worry about the where and when of planning dates.

I have had a few of the type of relationship originally described, "the dance" can go on a long time and the "moment" may never be right. It only takes one person to get the party started, why not be the one

[BiloxiCouple]

Hi I'm Billy, wanna fuck? No, no, no, I don't need your name just the answer. Conversation? Dating? Dining? Will you marry me? Damn, I am already married. Yes Dear. I am so confused. Which wife was this.

See what happens when I have too many ice cream sandwiches this early the morning. Bad sugar rush.

[Sweet_Candy]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

Hi I'm Billy, wanna fuck? No, no, no, I don't need your name just the answer. Conversation? Dating? Dining? Will you marry me? Damn, I am already married. Yes Dear. I am so confused. Which wife was this.

See what happens when I have too many ice cream sandwiches this early the morning. Bad sugar rush.

Dito I love it! So to the point and true. Almost spewed my coffee with laughter.

[good times]

If we meet somebody at the clubs it usually doesn't take long at all. Then again, their have been times when we met more prospective playmates in one night than we could play with on that night. Sometimes the time just isn't right for months before we actaully make it to the play room. The important thing though, is that someone has to ask "do you want to play with us" or something similar. We have found that if it goes on for any length of time without anyone popping the question, it probably isn't ever going to happen. We have met many people in swinging that we became friends with but have never played with and don't intend to. This is all fine, friends are good to, but if you want to play with them someone needs to ask. That said, I have to admit, we are notoriously bad at this asking bit. Most of the time, people have to ask us, as we suck at making the first move.

When meeting people online, we always meet with no expectations. The reason for this is that we know that the only way we will know if we are all compatable is to meet in person. We get emails from people all the time saying lets get together for sex this weekend. Our response is always "We would be more than happy to meet you this weekend to see if we all get along and are compatable, but we won't agree to have sex until after we have met". We usually never hear from these people again, which is fine with us. We are more than willing to have sex on the first date if we all get along, and usually do, but we aren't willing to commit to sex having never met in person.

[EvilMJ]

I guess Evil is a bad girl . I am not in this to date people. I don't have a lot of free time so I can't spend all that time and money 'dating' someone. If I am at a dance and we click...then it's on!! I don't do much over the internet becuase like I said we just don't have time.

I have lots of swinger friends that I don't play with and that's fine. But if we are out to have some fun, all I really need to know is that I get along with them, we are after the same thing, and we have an attraction.....anything beyone that really isn't necessary for me....hey I may never see these people again and I am not looking for an exclusive relationship with anyone.....

But hey that's what's great about swinging, it can be different for each person and still work.