Newbies Weren't Ready. Shouldn't they figure that out before contacting us?

[CanadianCouple]

Recently we met with a very nice couple who have no experience in the swinging lifestyle. The meeting went very well, and they expressed a strong desire to meet again. After a few days, they dropped off the radar for nearly a week, then sent us an ICQ message saying they were now having insecurities about whether or not to pursue this. Not with us specifically, but the lifestyle in general. They say they need to talk with each other more before deciding to go ahead.

Now here's our dilemma. We wrote back saying that we understood their hesitation, but we did tell them that it would have been better for everyone concerned if they had done all the talking needed BEFORE agreeing to meet someone. We explained that declining on the basis of non-compatability with a specific couple is fine, but they should have decided whether or not to actively seek out couples before actually seeking one out and meeting with them. Namely, us.

Thoughts?

Dan

I agree with you Dan in a way... but I do understand that the thought of swinging is exciting and stimulating to people...but when the actual posibility is closer to coming true, there may be cold feet that develops. I guess if I were you I would be happy they at least let you know why they dropped off the "radar"

We have had friends ask and enquire about swinging and have been very interested in the possibilities, but when it gets down to brass tacks they back off. I know there are lots of us out there as well that after a meeting aor a couple of favourable contacts via e-mail or phone the interested party dissappears all together... no reason, nothing. SO like I said before, at least they gave a reason.

Medi

Well...
we did tell them that it would have been better for everyone concerned if they had done all the talking needed BEFORE agreeing to meet someone. We explained that declining on the basis of non-compatability with a specific couple is fine, but they should have decided whether or not to actively seek out couples before actually seeking one out and meeting with them. Namely, us.

Even though I can understand your reaction, it's not very considerate of you. How many people do you know that just leaped right on into the lifestyle? Perhaps they simply need more time, as they said.

Also, they have the right to back out, regardless of your feelings on the matter.

CyberHusband

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 09-06-2001).]

[JustAskJulie]

I agree with the last two posts. I can see where you were coming from with your response to them, but like Gaia & Medi said you should be glad they at least took the time to let you know what was going on rather than to not say anything to you at all.

It would have been more understanding on your end if you had just let them know that you understood they were having cold feet and that if they got to a point where they were comfortable again and wanted to talk that you would be there.

What happened with you is a MAJOR reason why many experienced couples avoid newbie couples, because this does happen quite often. It is very likely that they did talk things through beforehand and thought they were ready..but when it came right down to it, they weren't.

Another possibility is that they weren't into you and they just used that as an excuse

I do think that your response probably came off a bit gruff, like you felt as tho maybe you had been used?

We have had similiar instances with newer couples. We give everyone a shot initially and we try to always let people know that our main goal is friendship.. that way at least if they do have cold feet, maybe they will still keep in touch and stay friends and allow you (Us) to help them through any issues without feeling as tho they are being pressured into something. Sometimes just having friends in the lifestyle who understand where you are coming from helps a lot with getting over that initial case of cold feet.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[CanadianCouple]

Perhaps I should elaborate a bit on my opening post.

Prior to meeting these two, they gave us every indication they'd gotten past the point of just thinking about trying this, and were now ready to actively seek out a compatable couple with whom they felt comfortable. In other words, they were past the curious stage and ready to move on.

We met them on a Sunday, and when they returned home after meeting with us (they live approximately an hour away), they left us an ICQ message that was fairly gushing with enthusiasm over seeing us again. In fact, they asked us if we'd make the trip up the following weekend (Labor Day) to meet them on their home turf. Janette and I readily agreed, since we seemed to hit it off so well. They contacted us several times on ICQ for the next two consecutive nights, and their end of the conversations further cemented our belief they were gung ho about getting this into the bedroom, once they felt comfortable enough. Truth be told, Janette and I were worried they might become somewhat of a pest on ICQ, they were contacting us so much.

Then, nothing. As Labor Day weekend approached, we left an ICQ message asking if they still wanted to see us again. No reply. Weekend came and went, again nothing. Then on Monday or Tuesday of this week, they let us know they were now uncertain whether or not to pursue this, not just with us but anyone.

We don't feel deliberately misled, sorry if I gave that impression. But we did feel as though the rug was pulled out from under us a bit, considering what we were told both before and after meeting.

Yes, we were particularly interested in these two, the four of us seemed very compatable. And I'm willing to concede there may by some sour grapes on our part a result. But all we can do is go by what we're told by those we converse with, and take them at their word. They wish to stay in contact with the possibility of eventually being sexual with us, and we've agreed, but we're not holding our breath on the sex. A lesson learned here, hopefully, is...

never say anything to another couple unless you're certain you mean what you say.

Dan

[JustAskJulie]

I still say that for a newbie it's very hard for them to know what 100% that they mean it. It is understandable that while they thought they had gotten through any issues and that the meeting with you went really well that something happened in that week between when they invited you over and when they finally let you know what was going on. Like what?

Perhaps one partner or the other was a little TOO gung ho and it bothered the other?

Perhaps they just got close enough to reality to realize there was a lot more there than they had imagined and decided they both needed to think some more on it.

Perhaps one partner was in reality pushing the other a lot more than you picked up on to enter this lifestyle.. that partner may have been completely gung ho while the other wasn't.. the closer things got to becoming reality it finally pushed the partner who wasn't into it to the point where they knew they couldn't handle it and put the breaks on.

Truth be known if it were any of these maybe they should have let you know exactly what the deal was.. but then again.. maybe they had every right not to? Chances are that whatever issues/roadblocks they ran into were personal and they weren't ready or didn't feel the need to share them.

However, I think that your message to them pretty much cut off any chance that they will share their reasons with you in the future, if and when they do decide they are ready to procede.

I don't think it's the experienced couples job to babysit the newbie couple to the point of holding their hand through everything, but it is our responsibility to be there if they run into issues or have questions (if they want to take advantage of that). By pushing them away you effectively say.. I/We were only this for the sex..since you changed your mind we don't want anything to do with you now.

Now we all know you and know that that wasn't the case.. that you did just feel hurt misled to an extent. Chances are that you may never have heard from them again anyway.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[This message has been edited by JustAskJulie (edited 09-07-2001).]

[MiCpl]

We had a similiar situation occur earlier this year so we know how you feel. The couple we had met were pretty new, they had only been with single guys but felt that they were ready to move on to couples and give the guy a chance to play as well.

I'm bi (female) but I'm not pushy and had no problem with the fact that the female of this couple wasn't bi. We met a couple of times, had them to our house, all platonic. No one was pushing to take it further. We knew they were new and we weren't going to push them. They initially brought up the idea of doing something for New Years Eve.. we thought that would be great and mentioned travelling to a nearby city, getting a room and going out. The getting a room idea had nothing to do with the idea of swinging and we let them know that. The room was mainly because we would be travelling 30 miles, drinking and itwas NYE, so we knew better than to try to drive home at the end of the night (unfortunately we all live in really small areas where thereis nothing to do and no where to go locally). The place we had all decided on was a place we all enjoyed so we figured it would be a fun night out with friends.. if anything more happened.. great.. if not.. oh well.. we'd still have fun.

We had several other offers for NYE and turned them all down because we had already made these plans.

Unfortunately, as NYE drew closer we hadn't heard much from the other couple.. NYE about 5pm I was online and got an ICQ from them (imagine that) saying that they had to cancel (no reason), but asking if we wanted to do a movie locally instead. We said no thanks.. we wanted to go OUT and besides that we had seen all the movies the local theatre had to offer. That was pretty much the last we heard from them... and we still wonder if I hadn't gone online taht day when would they have called and cancelled?

S&J

[Stratecpl]

Welcome to the wonderful world of aggravations!! LOL We have had so many of these type things happen to us that we should write a book!

We've always stressed to our friends or guests that it's definitely not expected of them to play. If they want to, then so do we, but there's no pressure and no expectations whatsoever. That way, if nothing happens no one is hurt or offended. We can enjoy lighthearted laughter, drinks, jokes, etc., and we can also enjoy sex, sex, sex... Besides, when its over and they have gone home, the REAL TREAT is yet to happen! We still have each other!

We have had so many of this particular pet peeve of mine--NO SHOWS. These people swear and bedamned that they are totally interested and they will be over at say, 6PM.... then, we never hear from them again. Oh, we might see them online and they may even write again in a few months, hoping that we've forgotten.... heeheee... I haven't!!!!!

It's a study in aggravation, Dan and everyone. You do everything in your power to insure them a great time, yet they still manage to let you down.

Dan, I agree with you in that these people should have talked it out among themselves a bit longer than they did. Then again, I can also understand that maybe they are standing at a crossroads (of sorts) and can't decide if it's their cup of tea or not.

Only time will tell!!

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by MiCpl:
... and we still wonder if I hadn't gone online taht day when would they have called and cancelled?

S&J

Probably never. I understand fully the hesitation we all have as newbies, and in fact we still do. We're in contact with another, local, couple here, a couple with more experience than us. And despite the fact they've both expressed a strong interest, or perhaps because of it, we're still nervous and hesitant about doing it with a new couple. Maybe we'll never lose that feeling. Maybe we shouldn't.

But we DO have a problem with those who make pledges and promises, then fail to live up to them. As Ron mentioned in the above post, there are some things that simply have no excuse, such as no shows. Never happened to us yet, but I can only imagine the frustration. We did have a sexual liason cancelled two days before the agreed date, and that was bad enough.


Dan

No shows are simply a part of the lifestyle.
there are those who chat with you only to enhance their own fantasy lives. Once it becomes much more real than that, they back away. That is where they are, and we respect that. We of course try to reduce the amount of these responses we get, but they will always be there. We have learned to accept the fact that not everyone can handle this.

While we agree that we are not here to hand-hold newbies through this, we still realize that this is something that happens.

CyberHusband

[CanadianCouple]

Well, it's happened yet again. Another couple with whom we've met and been in contact with since by computer and phone, had agreed to supper in our home later today. Janette was upstairs making the salad, I'm doing houswork, mowing the lawn, etc... then less than an hour ago the pricks leave an ICQ message saying they had to cancel, her mother was coming out. This is the second time they've cancelled on short notice. They swore up and down they're interested, and stupid us, we believed them.

And you wonder why we sounded a bit rough on that couple I mentioned in the top of this tread?

More and more we're becoming convinced this lifestyle is meant only for the young and beautiful. We want to continue the search to find compatable couples, but we're within an inch of bagging the lifestyle altogether. We just don't need this shit anymore.

Dan

[Stratecpl]

Dan,

I can feel your frustration. These very same things happened to us numerous times, also. We attributed it to game players, who obviously used it as a "conquest" of sorts... they got us to commit to them joining us. Then, they just blew us off with never a second thought.

In our preparations, though, I had taken vacation days from work. We had spent lots of money in preparations, food, etc. Our level of anxiety was running high. Then, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

They never showed up, never called (they had our phone number), and didn't even have the common decency to notify us in any manner. They may think we've forgotten, but we haven't. They will try it again someday and we'll put THEM on the spot then.

Dan, don't let these jerks throw you and Janette off course. I don't know what more that you could do to avoid such circumstances, because they will probably happen again.... just not with those same people! Somewhere out there are some good, decent, fun-loving, regular people.... people just like you and Janette. People just like Connie and me. They might be hard to locate, but they are out there, just looking for you two. Have faith, guys. It will get better.

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[CanadianCouple]

Thanks Ron, for the kind words of encouragement.

Check your mail.

Dan

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by CyberMWCouple:
No shows are simply a part of the lifestyle.

Right, there are liars in all walks of life, aren't there?

there are those who chat with you only to enhance their own fantasy lives.

I hope you're not condoning this type of behavior. Leading others on is inexcusable, I don't care how much of a thrill someone gets doing it. How many genuinely interested newbies chuck the idea altogether because they were the target of someone's idea of a joke?

For now we'll continue to seek out compatable, REAL couples in the hopes we'll finally find that elusive, as-close-to-perfect match as possible. And to all those phonies who hide behind their computer screens wasting our time, kiss my ass.

Dan

[CanadianCouple]

Ron and Connie --

Got your email. Thanks again for the encouragement.

Dan