Wife is shy - how to make things more comfortable?

[2stroke]

I will try to be brief....I tend to be very wordy....

Been married 15 years. We have experimented in the past with the "lifestyle" to some degree, that is once on my birthday we added a woman, and once we brought one of my male friends into the picture. Both times were bad, the girl we didnt really know at all, and my wife was not comforatble with my friend at all....it was really awkward.

This all happened about 5 years ago.

Recently, we have talked about trying again. My wifes position is that she is willing to try the "other guy" thing again, but she wants to do it with someone she knows and is comfortable with. She is not ready to bring another woman into the picture, although she is bi curious she doesnt think she could handle seeing me with another woman.

I think adding a guy would be a kick for sure, but she doesnt get out much, and doesnt know all that many people to begin with. The only guy we could think of is a guy who she has a history with. In fact some of that 'history" occured shortly after we were married. We survived that troubling time among others, so dont get me wrong, I believe we have a very strong marriage. We have the ability to forgive and move on and we know not to let the day to day bumps in the road get in the way of what really matters.

Having said that, I am wondering about bringing this guy in. It will be weird for me, but i think I can handle it. Anybody else have to deal with something similar? I am excited about it....


I wanted to try some clubs and meet some people, but she is very shy and awkward in public. Id rather it be someone else, but I dont know. If this is the only way for it to happen Id do it.

Are there any good FRIENDLY clubs around maryland?
My wife is worried of course that anyobdy we meet will be psychos or something. I would get a kick out of seeing another man flirt and do some minor things in a club situation for sure! I dont know....this thing will just not go away for us.

Or, what is the best way to meet someone for this acitivity? I was thinking it would almost be "safer"if it was a couple even if I did not participate with the woman. O man...I bet there would be no shortage of guys willing, you know how they never let single guys into clubs and such....I guess theres not much demand for an extra guy? I dont know....I really dont want this to be another bad situation, because we both have been wanting to be able to enjoy this kind of thing for quite a while.....


Thanks in advance for any comments or suggestions.....



2stroke

I wouldn't think that bringing in someone your wife had an affair with early in your marriage would be a good idea, especialy if it caused turmoil between the two of you.
But thats just my opinon.

[DnHtxCPL]

Yeah 2stroke, that really isnt a good idea. Right up there at the top of the list of bad ones.

Dont do something your gonna regret

D

[b smith]

When we had our threesome we were in a similar situation like you. A mfm was realisitic for the both of us. After discussing it, my wife had wanted someone that she knew and the individual that we agreed on was her former boyfriend. The evening went well and without any problems and still are married, 11 years.

We are still discussing having another threesome but know it won't be sometime soon. Since having our mfm we have moved. So she is reluctant to pick someone whom she does not know.

Advice to you is if you are going to use someone that she knows, you need to manage the situation. Meaning the two you need to agree on boundries and your limits. Once you have agreed on them and have found someone make sure that is also communicated to them. Having been in a similar situation, the one thing I would recommend is not to use someone that she had an affair with but choose someone who is not that much of a risk. A choice might be a former boyfriend or maybe a former co-worker that she knows.

[mixlplix]

Say, couple from MD here....I'll volunteer my services as the second male.

All kinding aside, this happened with us. We tried a MFM where we asked one of my wife's previous lovers to join us for a 3-some. It turned out somewhat okay for the experience, but wasn't great for a turn-on for me because I didn't get an erection, but she got a taste of a MFM 3-some (he got an erection).

Our original reason for doing it was to start off with 3-somes with either MFM or FMF. While talking we got into a discussion about my insecurites and my wife didn't believe I could do it, so to prove that I could I said she could have her MFM 3-some first and then I would have my FMF 3-some second. Well, I'm still waiting for my select FMF 3-some after 1 year.

So you better talk about the situation in great detail and have those limits or boundaries in place...like "it's only a one time thing". If you think you can handle it, then give it a try and good luck.

[fun_pairTX]

Meet a guy at a club or find a stranger believe us you DON"T want to mix your swing world and your vanilla world.

[xxoticangel]

I am wondering about bringing this guy in. It will be weird for me, but i think I can handle it. Anybody else have to deal with something similar? I am excited about it....

Whrough the years we have had numerous other men in our bed, some as part of a couple, others as singles, but ex's are BAD.
This was my response in this thread and I still think its a bad idea. http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...ead.php?t=7367

As little as three months ago I would have told you not to worry. However, now that I have been faced with a similar situation I have developed some reservations myself. One of my wife's old lovers has recently moved to our area. According to her they had a very active and varied sex life when they were together and he has been the topic of our fantasy sex talk for years. Of course he was on the other side of the country and it was just "talk". He attempted to introduce swinging to their relationship back then but she said no. When we learned that he has relocated a 90 minute drive away she brought up the idea of actually following through with our fantasy MFM with him. I was immediately concerned and "vetoed" him. We have no secrets from each other and I know about their previous emotional attachment. The intensity of their previous relationship won't let me give my ok to this. I feel bad about not letting her have something that would probably be the most mind blowing expierence in her life and I can't explain why.

[SexhoundDog]

2stroke,
Your first sentence says a lot. "She wasn't that comfortable with my friend." Some of the related posts on this board indicate that the hubby finds another guy and the wives are OK with it because they seem to be on the same page as to what she finds attractive. Some of them also say that the guys let their wife do the picking and then they like to approve the guy too. There are times where I think I know what my wife would like in a guy, but I think I'm wrong just as often as I'm right. I might see in a guy that he'd look handsome in her eyes, and she might detect an arrogance in his personality. I might see some guy who I wouldn't imagine she'd be attracted to and she'll think he's got a cute smile or something.
Anyway, if you want it to be good for her, she's got to have the initial attraction. You can certainly try to get a feel if the guy will be in it to make sure your wife has a satisfying experience, and if you're right there, I think you could detect early on if he'll be that type of guy. If not, abort the mission and boot him out right there. But I'd certainly suggest you both cover those "what if" situations first.
As far as finding a potential playmate, does she have any friends she talks locker room talk with where she might feel comfortable broaching the subject as to whether they know any single guys they think might be fun for a MFM type adventure? If not, your best bet might be to go hunting. I don't know how comfortable she'd be if a single guy started flirting with her and she had to say "So, think you can get in bed with me and my hubby and both of you send me to the sacred Moon of Orgasm?"
Vespertine has said in prior posts how she likes "the hunt." Maybe she'll come on in and enlighten us.

[2stroke]

Well, I want to thank all of you for the comments.

I am not worried she's gonna run off with her old friend fterwards. They had been an item off and on throughout their childhood. The affair was not their first interaction. HOwever, I really dont like the guy for obvious reasons.
I actually dated this guys sister years ago, so I knew him back then and he was ok in my book.

I know I should hate this guy and not let him near my wife, or at least that is what "traditional guy wisdom" should tell me . But again if this is the only way to have it happen and have her relaxed enough to do the things shed like to do....

The attraction for me is I would love to see her excited, I sand I would love to see another guys reaction to her, almost as if I would be putting myself in the other guys shoes...she wants to do pretty much everything with whomever it turns out being..she has warned me that she will not just lay there and that I should not be offended if she takes initiative. Thats how she is normally anyway, but with my friend that time, she froze up. He was sort of creepy, LOL!



If I could pick every detail, it would not be a stranger, but someone we could get to know. I know in my heart that this sort of lifestyle does not make a person "dangerous" or anything.

I suppose that if it could be with other people who are established in this lifestyle, that I could be more certain there were no hidden agendas you know. Again Id be more worried about this guy in that respect than my wife.
Ive got to make it clear to him that if this happens, he does not have "carte blanche" with my wife.

I can imagine going to a club and fooling around a little bit and seeing where that leads, but she sort of has a social phobia. Shes been a stay at home mom for the last 10 years, so I guess it tends to make it difficult.

I am looking forward nervously to what happens. I could probably set it up this w/e but we'll have to do some talking. If it goes well maybe it might lead to other experiences.

Thanks again for the intelligent responses.

[Vespertine]

I don't think using an old lover of her's is the best idea.

Especially if she's shy and insecure. Too many potential problems.

You're going to need to work on building up your wife's self esteem. Stay at home mom's are sexy too! I know I am! :P

She needs to work at feeling sexy. When she feels good about herself it's going to be a lot easier trying to pick up a male for a MFM. Until she feels confident with herself, swinging might need to be placed on a back burner.

Start going out on "date night" with your wife. Just you two, no children. Let her purchase some sexy clothes for the evening. Begin by taking her to dinner, shows, etc...Wine and dine her.

Tell her how beautiful she is- point out the men that are admiring her. When she starts to build up confidence, try persuading her to go to a Swinger's club. You might be surprised how receptive she'd be if she was feeling better about herself.

Lots of luck!

You know wether or not you can trust your wife. Obviously you believe you can to even ponder this as a possibility.

But I think the bigger question is what about HIM???
Can you trust HIM??

I take it he knew she was married to you and you did not know about what the two of them were doing.

That doesn't sound like someone I would invite into our bedroom.

[sexycopul4u]

Hey. if one or the other are uncomftorball,talk it out.

[sexycopul4u]

Hey,I don't want to be rude,You gotta set the rule's. I would never allow it.

[stoutgatte]

I guess it all boils down to patience. You want to play now and there simply isn't anyone else available.

Take the people on this board's advice, it is a bad idea to play with an ex... Don't go there, you'll probably regret it. And it doesn't matter how much she says it will be ok, it is all about how YOU feel.

Take your time though, slowly ease into it and try to use the internet. Lots of shy people say it's easier to meet over the net because of the anonymity. Place some ads, put up a pic of two, sift through the no-no's and the maybe's and take it from there... Take an active role and contact possible candidates. You don't have to live out your fantasy right now, it will pay off to rather wait a couple of months and use the incredible source of eroticism between you to build into a pleasurable experience. If you jump in right now there is a good chance it will be botched and you'll lose trust, your relationship will suffer etc, etc...

[2stroke]

Hmm.
She also has this thing about meeting people from the Internet.
I had this idea of just meeting some people in a neutral location for drinks only, you know just hang out a few times, that sort of thing, but I cant get her to go in for it.

Anyway, the whole thing may happen tonight. He is available, and may call later. My wife says her only concern is that I wont be able to handle it. I am rather stoic. Its not the kind of thing thats gonna ruin my feelings for my wife. Even if it does not appeal to me, I imagine I can get past it without any problems.

I communicated my concerns with my wife, and we talked about it alot. It sounds childish, but if he can somehow do something better than I can, or if I percieve that he can, that may be a little sobering. In that regard, I wouldnt mind so much if a stranger did really well...its just the history with this guy. I told her if hes some sort of freak of nature, it may be interesting....good AND bad (LOL!)
I am only average if you know what I mean.
We will see.

I will keep you all informed about this situation, and thanks again.