Wife is shy - how to make things more comfortable?

[JustAskJulie]

Have you met this guy she has a history with? How do you click with him? Meeting him first and talking to him one on one (man to man) would be my suggestion and then go from there. If you aren't comfortable with him then don't do it. If you are then give it a try (as you've read others have been successful going this route).

Since she is the reluctant one here then I would say that you should leave choosing who will play with you guys up to her, regardless of how you go about choosing. Not to say tho that you don't get a vote... just that she needs to take the lead.

[DnHtxCPL]

I myself would say slow this thing way down. But you do seem dead set on doing it so good luck. Let us know how it goes.

D

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by SexhoundDog

2stroke,
There are times where I think I know what my wife would like in a guy, but I think I'm wrong just as often as I'm right. I might see in a guy that he'd look handsome in her eyes, and she might detect an arrogance in his personality. I might see some guy who I wouldn't imagine she'd be attracted to and she'll think he's got a cute smile or something.

That is so true! Just the other night at a social, my wife said, "ooh, that guy there is hot!" BUT, about 2 hours later her mind had changed, because he became "the guy that knows he's hot". I have a hard enough time figuring out what I like, so I don't dare try to "fix her up". I will ask, "what do you think about him, or her", but that's about it. If I tried to set her up, it would end up being the match made in hell.

[Dr Jekyll]

Just wanted to highlight this...

Don't do something you're not totally comfortable with you will probably regret it...

Good luck.

[2stroke]

Well it happened.
We booked a room rather than have it happen at the house. That helped a little, but it went a little weird. At first he just watched, as he said he wanted to, and then he joined here and there. The first 10 or 15 minutes went ok from my point of view, but I decided early on that it was not the hot thrill I though it would be.
My wife seemed to be enjoying it at first.
We did the usual things that people do in these situations, but then it seemed to fall flat. It became awkward after a point. Not uncomfortable exactly, but we just sort of trailed off. At first my wife was sort of leading the activity, but then she stopped doing that.
I tended my wife, and I took care of myself during that process. He never did "finish". He left, and my wife and I were free to talk about it.

She became very upset. As she explained it, she went out on an emotional limb and in her mind she was risking damage to our relationship, even though I assured her that I would be fine no matter what. THe point is, she was not happy with the way it turned out, and she felt bad about risking so much for something that was not "worth" it for lack of a better term.

My wife and I have been experienceing a resurgence of our sex lives the last year and a half or so. THings are better than they ever were, and better than I imagined they could be. We have SOOO much fun together. She told me she expected the 3 way to be that exciting PLUS. It was not.

She was reacting just fine whenever I was performing the primary actions, but he just was not doing it for her. She said she did not feel comfortable with him afterall. SHe thought he would be easier to deal with than a stranger, but it did not turn out that way.

I dont know. I think it speaks to what we perceive to be a primary difference between men and women, at least in our case. I think men in general can have sexual realtions with a woman and leave the emotional stuff out of it if they want. Some men do this all the time, one night stands...no long term relationships. In the case of being in the "lifestyle" I think it would be easier for me to play around with another female without needing any kind of emotional connection. She has decided that without the emotional bond, that theres no use in her trying to do any of this.

There are other issues at work. He was not exactly easy on the eye. I am by no means bi or attracted to men (not that theres anything wrong with that) but I can appreciate the male form. I can look at a guy, and say, well theres a good looking guy, or damn I wish I looked like that you know. This guy, well Hmmm....would not have been my choice. Again, Im not vain or trying to say, Im too good looking for any paticular person, hell I have a pretty low opinion of myself (LOL)

It does not seem like this will happen again. She has not ruled out the extra woman, but its not right because I think she feels like she owes me or something. I dont see it like that. I do wish that this had went well, because I was really excited about exploring new areas. We talked about doing some other sexy things like going to some strip clubs and watching each other get lap dances and things. Or perhaps going to a swing club but only doing "minor" things...

Personally, I feel ok. I was not angered or "hurt" by the situation. I think when my wife sort of turned off, I went with her. She was also upset because this guy had a problem staying aroused, although I was not looking well enought to notice. She took this as a blow to her ego. She is very upset about her body, etc....Put it this way, if I did not know her, and I got the chance to be with her I'd be going ga ga. She is quite a striking woman. It kills me that she does not have confidence in herself. He whispered to her that he wanted to be with her on his own as I was washing off, and she refused. At that point, she was just creeped out.

He admitted feeling awkward later. I guess. Ive only been wanting to strangle this guy for 12 years and he knows it. I would have felt weird too.

Theres more. During the weeks when he and my wife were discussing this, he dropped some comments like she should come to his place by herself, etc...etc...I cant help but wonder if he was not really up for the 3way to begin with. Maybe he saw this as the only way to get a hold of my wife in whatever capacity he could. Even as I saw it as the only way to have this whole thing happen in the first place.

All during the discussions, my wife's only concerns were how I would react. SHe assured me that she would be fine.I guess neither of us were prepared for having her react like this.

ALl in all, we've had some terrific discussions throughout this. We've been very open about our fantasies and desires. I still think our relationship might improve in some ways as a result.

Right now, Ive got to take care of her. Im glad I am in the emotional shape to do it. I guess thats the way it is in relationships if you are lucky, one is strong when the other is weak.

[SexhoundDog]

2Stroke,
Since I guess all posters subscribe to a thread, I re-read this one again after your final reply. I guess what I'm most curious of is why you asked for advice in the first place, and then had your mind so set on meeting this one particular guy that you disregarded everyone's advice? It pretty much sounds like it turned out exactly like the wise folks here said it might.

Hopefully you'll get a second chance, but this time you'll have to listen to your wife REAL closely. I don't necessarily think a woman has to have an emotional connection to a guy, but if they don't have or need that connection, the guy is gonna have to certainly be attractive to them. If you take the emotional connection out of the equation, I think they might even be more shallow than us guys can be! Not that that's a bad thing.

[Bu&Sandra]

I doon't know where in maryland you are but we have gone to a club in the York PA area called the farm. It is very large and we have net many people from Maryland there so I am assuming it is close to you. These are friendly people and believe me no one looks ike Barbie & Ken. You and your wife could feel comfortable here and they also have almost too many single men there. Go tot here website www.thefarmtravelclub.com and look around. Even f you just go have some drinks and sit in thejacuzzi it could be a good friendly no pressure place to start

[DBStPete]

I'm going to maybe buck the conventional wisdom a bit and say you both did pretty good. Oh sure, I would have agreed with most of the other's advice before the fact. But you both were brave (or something) and went ahead anyway. Good for you! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

You know what's the best part of your story? YOU were most concerned about HER. SHE was most concerned about YOU. Heh, that's it in a nutshell, mate. You've got it made. You've got a Real Marriage. (tm). You lucky guy, you. Any couple that works that way can be successful and happy in swinging, imo.

We each of us first come to swinging with our own set of hopes, fears, fantasies, inhibitions, &tc. *Nobody* comes at this totally confident, or self-assured, or any of that. Then we combine that with a spouse (usually), who brings their own set. We talk, we imagine, we try and "work out" the scenarios and emotions ahead of time. But of course you really can't, the reality is always different from what you expected.

For you guys, you had some issues that made it seem easier to start out with this particular guy. The advice you got here suggested that that might not be the best way to go, but in the end you were vindicated: the predicted difficulties did not arise. Instead, he had performance difficulties (I don't mean getting it up), and it turned out that the supposed advantage of starting with a guy you already knew, wasn't one. Okay, so lesson learned, you guys survived just fine, time to smile and move on.

What would be a mistake, imo, would be to conclude that your particular experience was "typical", or that future experiences you have would turn out that way. To put it bluntly, the attraction, and sex, just weren't very good with this guy when the moment came. Well, heck, if we all gave up sex at the first lover that didn't turn out to be that great, this board wouldn't be here! It's possible for that MFM to be freakin' incredible, but they won't all be.

My suggestion would be to stay positive, keep talking, and know that a LOT of couples have stood where you are and moved forward. There are quite a few of them on this board. We all had inhibitions and fears and missteps but we made it work. I think if you check their varied stories you will find some things that will click for you. You sound like the kind of couple that could do well with this.

DBStPete

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by DBStPete

You know what's the best part of your story? YOU were most concerned about HER. SHE was most concerned about YOU. Heh, that's it in a nutshell, mate. You've got it made. You've got a Real Marriage. (tm). You lucky guy, you. Any couple that works that way can be successful and happy in swinging, imo.

DBStPete

That's exactly what I thought when I was reading your post. DBStPete is right, you've got it made. Both of you were looking out for eachother and conscious of the other's feelings. Good for you guys!

I wouldn't rule out playing in the future. I think ya'll might do well going to a swing club and absorbing the scene and the sexually charged atmosphere. Perhaps you'll meet some friends there, feel comfortable with them and let things progress from there.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Dr Jekyll]

OK, not fair...

Dito to DBStPete and Vespertine

[Chemistry_0518]

Our first situation was with a guy with whom My Princess had some history. In fact it was her ex! They are good friends, but just can't live together for a variety of reasons. I recognized from the very beginning that they still had strong feelings for each other, and being the person that I am, I accepted that fact. I decided one day that it would be really nice to get the two of them to revisit some of the intimacy that they enjoyed in the past and I made the suggestion to My Princess that I take with him and invite him to our bed. Needless to say she was seriously opposed to the idea, but a few months later, after birthday celebrations and a couple of other social occasions were shared with him, she began to see the possibilities, knowing that I was completely supporting this. He was shocked when I approached him, trying to move forward before she got cold feet, but he was a man after all and agreed.

Nutshell: It worked! It was fantastic! She was the center of attention of two men who LOVED her and knew her. How could it be any better?

[confunktion]

If anyone was looking for a post that described the ideal relationship in this lifestyle, we may have just found it. Very happy for you guys!

The moral of the story has already been covered, so in closing: All the best to you both in the future, no matter where the road takes you.